by Lissa Kasey
Nate was surprised to be met with Leo in the kitchen. “Oh my God, how did you get out?” Leo sat there, unconcerned. Had Nate left the door open when he’d gotten ready for the walk? Friar Tuck jumped down off his chair and stalked toward Leo. “Oh no!”
Jamie held out a hand to stop Nate from sweeping Leo up. “Just give them a minute. If they swipe at each other we’ll take them to corners, but Tuck is pretty neutral.” Jamie went to the sink and washed his hands. Nate copied him even though he’d just been holding leashes. He kept an eye on Leo who was all of five pounds and Friar Tuck who looked twice his size, even missing a leg.
Tuck reached Leo and rubbed along his side, only for Leo to turn and lick himself as if he’d just been made dirty. They barely acknowledged each other. Jamie grinned. “Figured they were both too old to care much.”
“What about Ember and Ash?”
Jamie shrugged. “They’ll either get along or they’ll avoid each other. You know how picky cats are. Let me jump into the shower and we’ll watch a movie.”
It was after nine. “Don’t you have to be up early?”
“Seven?” Jamie shrugged. “I was up a lot later talking to you most nights. You forget you were two hours ahead of me. Go change into some jammies and meet me in the living room. I’m thinking it’s a Guardians night.”
“You just love the music from that,” Nate shouted back as he made his way upstairs.
“Yep.”
Nate’s door was open, but both AJ and Riley were still in the room. AJ on the bed and Riley on the bookshelf. Funny enough, Ember and Ash were on the bed too, curled up into twin gray balls about four feet from AJ. Nate hurried into a pair of sleep pants and a T-shirt. He probably could have gone to bed since he was pretty tired, but didn’t want to disappoint Jamie. In fact, he looked forward just to spending some time with his best friend. Too much time had passed during Nate’s illness in which he’d pushed people away. He didn’t want to do that to Jamie anymore.
Nate headed back downstairs to find Jamie fiddling with the TV. He waited for Jamie to get started, though the box of tarts was on the table. He rifled through it and found one of the lemon special diet ones. It was fantastic. Jamie glanced his way and grinned. “They’re amazing, aren’t they?”
“So good,” Nate moaned with a mouthful. “These are the special ones, and I didn’t think they’d be as good. No gluten or sugar.”
“They make a chocolate avocado pudding cake that is amazing. Flourless. It’s thick and rich. Need a huge glass of milk to eat even the tiniest sliver.” Jamie got the movie going and sat down on the edge of the couch. He reached for the box and balanced it on the fluffy back of the sofa. Nate took the other end. Jamie pointed to a blanket hanging off the chair nearby. Nate grabbed it and curled it over his lap, letting his bare feet rest on the middle cushion. He kept glancing Jamie’s way to see if he’d get mad at Nate for having his feet on the furniture, but he said nothing. His feet were bare too.
Leo leapt up into Nate’s lap. “Hey, baby boy. How you doing?” Nate asked him as the cat put his nose to Nate’s collar and began to knead. “I’m here for you.” Nate stroked the cat. Jamie shifted in his seat so he could put his feet on the middle cushion too, and dug them up under the blanket. Nate smiled and tried to ignore the fact that Jamie’s feet were cold and they were touching.
Chapter 7
Nate woke early, resolved to make breakfast for Jamie. It was the least he could do. He had also decided to take the bakery job. It would give him some income and hopefully keep his head from going too crazy while he worked. He put together a frittata for Jamie, even found an insulated lunch bag that was clean, and began to pack a lunch.
Jamie appearing in the kitchen wearing only his pants, his hair sticking up all over, froze Nate in place. At least he hadn’t been trying to crack eggs or something. Christ. Jamie wasn’t chiseled perfection. He was guy next door, and that worked for Nate. His arms were thick and muscled. Nipples dusky and mouthwatering. He didn’t have washboard abs, just a hint of a belly with a delightful trail of golden-blond hair disappearing down into his pants. He was covered in fuzz. Stocky all around. Though Nate would never consider Jamie fat. The man was more overall muscular, something which came from lots of hiking and manual labor. Nate couldn’t think of what he was supposed to be doing.
“What smells so good?” Jamie sniffed. “Cheese?”
“Frittata. Spinach and Gouda.” Nate opened the oven and pulled out the frittata. It smelled and looked like heaven.
Jamie sucked in a deep breath. “So good. You should share the recipe with Lori. She’s got an amazing breakfast spread, but it’s a lot of sweets. I really love savory.” He turned and disappeared into the laundry room that was off the kitchen, coming out with a T-shirt and his button-up work shirt. He tugged the T-shirt over his head, flexing, though he probably didn’t realize he was doing it. Nate had to bite his lip to keep from moaning. He needed to focus on something else.
Nate hurried to the fridge and added one of the freshly made oat and honey protein bars to Jamie’s lunch bag. He zipped the bag shut and set it down beside Jamie. “Take that with you. Eat healthy, please.”
“I’m a park ranger, you know. I can find berries and stuff. Eat bark and bugs.”
“Gross,” Nate said.
Jamie just snorted out a laugh as Nate found a knife to slice the frittata. “Oh, that looks good.”
Nate cut him a huge slice and added a couple bacon wrapped asparagus pieces to balance it out. Protein, greens, high energy carbohydrates. “Dig in,” Nate told Jamie, handing his plate over, and dishing up his own.
It was odd since Nate had trouble eating for a few months. Nothing tasted right, and often he couldn’t force himself to eat. Apparently plunk him down on a northwestern island with his best friend and his appetite was fixed. The frittata tasted perfect. Just as he remembered, only better as everything was so flavorful and fresh. Normally he didn’t buy all organic ingredients, but since so much had been locally grown, he’d decided to spend a little extra to support the residents of the island who were giving him a new home.
“I’ll be deep in the park today,” Jamie said. “I’ve got to get some soil samples. You going to be okay here with the critters?”
“Of course,” Nate was positive. “I could clean or something if you’d like.”
“Rest,” Jamie said. “There is no rush.”
But Nate had to be useful. If he wasn’t, then what reason did he have to exist? “Do you think I should pack a lunch for your friend Graham too? There’s extra from last night. I’ll add a few more protein bars to your bag.”
“Graham can feed himself. He does pretty well at feeding himself and Jason. How about you just focus on you? Take a relaxing bath. Read a book. Walk the goat.”
“I want to be useful,” Nate insisted.
“What makes you think you’re not?”
Nate threw his hands up in the air. “I’m not doing anything.”
“You made dinner last night, and breakfast this morning. You walked Harry yesterday and helped me with the dogs. I don’t expect you to do any of that, but I’m thankful you did. I just want you to rest and relax. Focus on you. Why is that bad?”
Because resting gave Nate too much time to think. Thinking made his head run in circles of what-ifs until he panicked. Busy was better.
“I’m going to take the bakery job,” Nate confessed waiting for Jamie to protest. Nate had a whole list of pros to give.
“Okay,” Jamie said. “Just don’t push yourself.”
“I need to do something.”
“I agree,” Jamie acknowledged. “But take care of yourself first. Okay? If it’s too much stress or you’re just not ready, that’s fine. Don’t make yourself sicker trying to feel useful. You are useful just being. I like coming home to find you here. I like knowing you’re here, safe, close enough that if you need me, I can get to you fast. Even if it’s just for a hug. Promise me, okay? Self-care first.”
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Nate stared at him.
“Nate?”
“Okay.”
“Promise.”
“I promise to take care of myself first. If I start feeling crappy, I’ll come right home.”
“Or call me.”
“Or call you.”
Jamie nodded like he was making progress. “It’s not a marathon. I hope you get that.”
“I just need to stay busy to keep from drowning in my own head,” Nate confessed.
“I understand that too. You said last night that Troy gave you some relaxation tips. Try at least one today, okay?”
“Okay,” Nate said.
“Good.” Jamie got up and loaded his plates into the dishwasher. It was almost eight. “I’ve got to head out. Call if you need me.”
“Already said I would.”
Jamie gave him a look that said he didn’t quite believe Nate, but he left anyway. Nate decided to get moving himself so he didn’t get dragged down by another cycle of self-destruction playing in his own head.
He arrived at the bakery just after ten in the morning with a copy of his resume in hand and dressed in the nicest pair of slacks and a button-up he could find that didn’t hang on him since he’d lost weight. He didn’t think his resume would help since he had no experience at all with baking and it had been almost a decade and a half since he’d worked in retail. But he had to do something. He’d taken a bath after Jamie left. Filling the tub with steaming water and lavender scented salt had helped calm him, but he could only sit in the water for about ten minutes before he was chomping at the bit to get out and do something.
Angel was helping a couple who were purchasing a box of pastries when Nate came in. He waited patiently until she was done, though she threw him a welcoming smile and a good morning. Once the couple had been checked out, she waved him forward.
“If you’re willing,” Nate told her, handing over his resume. “I’d like the job. I know nothing about pastries other than how good they taste, but I can run most registers and take instruction well.”
She looked at him for a minute and Nate worried. What if he was too presumptions? What if she had just been being polite yesterday when he’d been in with Charlie? “Okay. But the lunch rush is about to start. I won’t have time to do your paperwork until that dies down around two.”
“I can help,” Nate offered. “Just tell me what to do. I can put together orders for people.” He was sure he could do it. Today was a good day. He felt good, mostly stable. He’d slept well the past few days. He was positive he could make this a good day too.
She hesitated a moment longer, but nodded and stepped over to the gate to hold it open for him. “Let’s get you an apron and some gloves. I’ll give you a quick run-down of the case and the register.”
After that the day was a blur for Nate. He was filling boxes, placing orders for hot food, which Angel told him went to the kitchen of the diner to prepare, and ringing people up at the register. He and Angel moved around each other like they’d been doing it for years. She had introduced him to the bakers, but he couldn’t recall their names. At one point there was a line out the door and Nate got a little panicky. He had to step into the back bakery area for a minute to breathe.
“Focus on the next person,” Nate said out loud. “Not the line.” And he did. Zipping through orders, boxing up pastries, at one point that was all he did as Angel was faster at the register. He ignored the first throb of a headache through his left brow. Stress, he told himself. He could work through it. It hadn’t started with an aura so he didn’t think it was a migraine.
But after an hour he knew he was wrong. He squeezed his eyes shut as the nausea rolled through him. He’d barely made it to the bathroom before he’d thrown up. Had spent a good ten minutes kneeling on the floor, hurling the small contents of his stomach and thinking that whoever cleaned the employee bathroom was very thorough.
Angel had come to find him after a while, offering him a glass of lemon water, which he sipped as she let him into her office. He apologized the whole time, promising to be out in a few minutes to help.
He tried rubbing his temple, closing his eyes, even lying on the floor with his legs up the wall like a yoga instructor had once taught him but every sound and tiny bit of light ached. He was probably fired, before he’d even officially started. If he weren’t so nauseous and light sensitive, he’d have cried his whole drive home. Only he knew that driving with a headache this bad was not only dangerous, it was deadly. It didn’t matter that he’d taken a couple Tylenol. Nothing helped. He’d have to take one of his few remaining Vicodin and sleep.
The door opened. Nate flinched from the light. There was no way to hide his tears or his pain. He felt awful, physically and emotionally. What if he could never work again? He knew it was almost impossible to get disability coverage for migraines. Would he just die in the streets somewhere? Homeless? Forgotten once Jamie got tired of taking care of him?
“I’m so sorry, Angel. I’ll go in a bit, I promise. And won’t bother you again.”
It wasn’t Angel who sat down on the edge of the desk and reached out to pull Nate into a hug. Angel wasn’t that big. Angel smelled like sugar and vanilla, not wind and pine. Fuck.
Jamie’s arms around Nate anchored Nate. He longed to put his face to Jamie’s shoulder and just cry while breathing in the man’s scent.
“You said you’d call me,” Jamie whispered.
“I didn’t want to bother you at work. It’s bad enough I messed up on my first day. Everyone will know soon and I’ll never get a job now.”
Jamie’s sigh was long and deep. He held Nate a few minutes longer before getting up to tug a hoodie over Nate’s head. It was obviously Jamie’s hoodie since it was huge and smelled like him. “Put the hood up and cover as much of your eyes as you can. I’ll take you home.”
“What about my car?”
“I’ll walk back and get it later. It will be fine.”
“I’m sorry,” Nate whispered. He took Jamie’s hand and let himself be guided out of the bakery and into the sunshine, which was so bright it shone through the fabric of Jamie’s hoodie. Nate crawled into Jamie’s truck. He barely felt Jamie pull the seat belt into place, instead he leaned over, trying to keep his face away from the light, and his stomach from swaying as the truck began to move. The day had been a disaster. He’d only been in town a few days and already it was all going to hell.
Nate wanted to curl up and die. That would be quicker, right? Less of a burden on Jamie. He was smart enough not to voice the words. Put those words out there and they would haunt him. Jamie might take him to a hospital somewhere. He might be committed for being as crazy as he was, but he also couldn’t take them back. It was like as long as he didn’t speak them out loud, they had less weight. The demons needed to stop pressing on him so hard. He wasn’t ready to go yet. Wasn’t ready to give up. No matter how much sometimes his brain spun with the options.
Nate didn’t recall getting to the house or even getting into his bed. He woke to soft voices and the weight of AJ curled against his side. The headache had faded a little, nausea mostly gone. He hoped that didn’t change when he got up. He was surprised when he moved to find an arm wrapped around his waist. It tightened, keeping him in place. There was also a warm weight at his back, like a solid pillow of support.
“Rest,” Jamie said.
Nate sucked in a deep breath. He was in bed with Jamie. Nate’s bed, because he recognized the blankets. Leo was on the pillow near Nate’s head, and AJ purring at his side, either unaware she was close to Jamie’s arm, or unconcerned.
Nate had heard voices. Jamie’s and…
“It was my mistake for missing the Gouda. I knew it was a trigger. I just totally missed it in the cart.” Troy. “The lotion seems to be helping though. I think once you get his magnesium levels back up it will reduce the quantity of his migraines. That and trigger foods. I’d say avoid them all for now and slowly add them back in one by one. That way yo
u can eliminate his triggers. Aged cheeses are a trigger for a lot of people. Some people can’t do dairy at all. I’d recommend switching to almond milk and cutting out all cheese. I’m not into fad diets but the Paleo diet is a good start for him. Back to the basics and build from there.”
“Can you write out a list? I’ll put it on the fridge with a big, ‘No Nate’ sign on it.”
“Yes. It’s probably best if you check through it slowly. Not a daily change sort of thing. Maybe try one new thing a week. Refined sugar is often a trigger as you know since that’s one of Bastian’s. Bastian also can’t have chocolate of any type. He does okay with cheese.”
“Did he go through this testing thing?” Jamie wanted to know.
“Yes. It took almost a year to find all his triggers. Some are worse than others. Now that he’s with Charlie, I think he has less than one migraine day a month. Charlie watches Bastian’s trigger foods very carefully. You’ll rarely find any of them ever in their house. The magnesium helped him too. Over time. Just like any mineral it has to build up. It will start helping with the anxiety as well. Start him on the tea. No caffeine. Chamomile, or lemon, keep it herbal. Schedule it, breakfast, lunch, dinner. Like he’s English or something. That will help with his mood. If he’s not into tea we’ll have to get him an extract to take. Put the lotion on all day. Bottoms of the feet, back of knees, thin areas of the skin so it can absorb. It’s much easier on the body than anything oral would be.”
“Thanks, Troy.”
“No problem. I’m glad I could help. Call me if you need anything else.”
Jamie shifted a little, likely feeling Nate’s tension.
“Don’t get up. Let him just relax with the oil and a friend. Sometimes that’s really all we can hope for. I’ll put the list up on the fridge and email you more information,” Troy said.
“Thank you,” Jamie said again.
Nate heard Troy leave, but didn’t try to move. He was oddly calm. Warm, sleepy, and very calm. More than a little shocked to find himself in Jamie’s arms. “Did you guys give me something?” Nate finally asked.
