Letters from Berlin

by Tania Blanchard

  One man reached out and grasped me on the arm. ‘They’re coming, you know. The Red Army. And when they do, there’ll be no mercy.’ I pulled away, shocked.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Marika was by my side in an instant.

  ‘I’m fine. He’s just ranting, probably crazy with pain.’

  We both looked at the soldier. His eyes were wide and desperate, as though he was watching a terrible scene over and over again.

  ‘We’ve held Kiev for two years and with this new battle we’re receiving so many casualties,’ she whispered. ‘Maybe the Russians are taking it back.’

  ‘Trauma,’ I said, with as much authority as I could muster. ‘I’ve seen it before. I’ll give him something to help him sleep.’

  I shivered. Clearly the soldier believed what he was telling us. Was he some kind of prophetic angel? Would the Soviets save us from Hitler – or merely take over where he’d left off? I remembered Tante Elya’s stories of the Russian pogroms from her childhood. I shook my head in irritation. I was exhausted and not thinking straight.

  8

  By the time the leaves were falling from the trees like coloured confetti, whispers of a new round of deportations had begun. Those who remained in Berlin – so-called privileged Jews by virtue of their connections or skill – were being placed in ‘protective custody’ before being transported to the eastern labour camps.

  ‘My father’s accountant was escorted by the Gestapo from his home in the early hours of the morning,’ Tomas had confided to Julius and me earlier over coffee and cake. ‘It’s been a week and nobody will tell us where he is. He’s the only one who understands our books and Vati’s furious, but it makes no difference. I don’t think we’ll see him again.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘He’s a good man and he doesn’t deserve this treatment.’ My horror had welled at his words but I’d only shared a glance with Julius, desperate to leave poor Tomas and find out what Julius knew.

  ‘Is it true? Have you heard anything?’ I asked Julius, unable to appreciate the beauty as we walked through Tiergarten. The sound of traffic along the tree-lined avenues that led to the Victory Column was muted. Except for the brief glimpses of the golden statue glinting through the trees, we could have been in the middle of the countryside.

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ he said, tucking my hand into the crook of his arm. ‘Jews married to Germans and their children are the only ones still protected by law, but I don’t know for how much longer. There are no other Jews to deport.’

  ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘There’s only one thing to do. Announce our engagement.’

  ‘Whatever we have to do,’ I said quickly. I couldn’t have Elya and Leo any closer to danger.

  ‘It should ensure Elya and Leo’s safety, but this is serious and I’m afraid you’ll have to mingle with more Nazis.’

  ‘I know the stakes, Julius,’ I said, gritting my teeth, ‘I’ll be discreet and charming.’ But the thought made me sick. I’d have to hide my disgust and become the epitome of social graciousness and glittering conversation.

  ‘I’ll have a ring made for you.’

  ‘A ring?’ A wave of dizziness washed over me. It was becoming too real.

  ‘Of course. It has to look legitimate. There’s a government gala I want you to attend with me next week. Let’s announce it then.’

  My stomach swirled with apprehension at the thought of telling my family. There would be no going back after this.

  * * *

  A few days later, I was on the bus heading to Gut Birkenhof. Julius and I were having dinner at the estate but he was running late, stuck in a meeting, and would follow me when he could. I was counting on his support to tell my family of our engagement. I didn’t know how I was going to face Leo. How could he possibly understand?

  Tante Elya had insisted that we would have rabbit, no doubt one of the dwindling numbers that Onkel Georg and Leo captured in traps across the estate. There was going to be a proper sauce, the precious cream scraped from the top of our milk, and flavoured no doubt with the mushrooms I had helped Frau Kraus thread onto long loops of string and left to dry in the cellar months ago. I felt touched by the thoughtfulness of the meal, Tante Elya using valuable ingredients to welcome me home. I wondered if she and Onkel Georg were expecting our news, whether word had got back to them about how much time Julius and I had been spending together. Either way, I loved her for the effort she made.

  We had to eat without him in the end. Tante Elya put a plate together and left it on the stove for when he arrived. I was surprised when Leo sat at the table with us. I hadn’t seen him when I’d come in. Although conversation was stilted at first between Leo and me, soon it seemed like old times, he and Onkel Georg talking about the farm and the decisions they would need to make about crops and livestock, Tante Elya adding her opinion on the matter. Agriculture was a family affair, one I had grown up with, and so I understood the technical points and the business considerations involved. The conversation had invariably turned to my life at school or university, what I was studying, and a lively philosophical, cultural or historical debate always resulted, but now I told them about my nursing and how I was learning new procedures to accommodate the horrific battle injuries that we were confronted with. But the empty seat next to me and Leo’s presence across the table was almost enough to drive me to distraction.

  I could barely look at him, afraid that my guilt was plain as day. But I could feel him watching me and I couldn’t help but glance at him from time to time, my eyes drawn to his mouth as he spoke, wishing those lips were against mine and his expressive hands were caressing my skin. As always, when our eyes locked I knew that the attraction between us was as strong as ever.

  ‘What have you been doing with Julius in Berlin?’ asked Leo casually as he put down his glass.

  I felt the heat rise from my throat into my cheeks. ‘He’s been teaching me to drive,’ I said, smiling brightly, glad I hadn’t brought the Opel. I hadn’t wanted to answer questions about such an extravagant gift before I announced my news.

  ‘Oh, very good,’ said Onkel Georg, nodding with approval.

  ‘So you’ve been spending a lot of time with him then,’ said Leo. His body was coiled like a tight spring.

  ‘A bit, I suppose,’ I said, guardedly. ‘He’s taken me to a couple of concerts and a few dinners, to broaden my horizons, and introduced me to a few people.’

  ‘So you’re making new friends then?’ said Onkel Georg, looking hopeful.

  I nodded, sipping my beer so I didn’t have to answer.

  ‘Perhaps life in Berlin suits you,’ said Tante Elya, but I could see the shrewd look in her eyes.

  ‘I’d rather be here at home with you,’ I blurted out.

  Her face fell and she quickly hid her wobbling smile behind her serviette.

  ‘Nonsense,’ said Onkel Georg. ‘A young girl like you should be the centre of a glittering social scene. You’re right where you should be.’

  I could hear the telephone ring across the hall. Footsteps clicked across the timber floor and Ida knocked and entered, then whispered into Onkel Georg’s ear.

  ‘It seems that Julius is delayed,’ he said. ‘Problems with the railways again. He apologises to you all, but he won’t be able to make it tonight.’

  I paused, fork and knife in mid-air. The gala was in a few days and I was needed at the hospital every other hour. Tonight was our one and only chance to break the news.

  ‘Onkel Georg, can I speak to you in your study after dinner?’ I asked calmly.

  ‘Of course.’ Suddenly I was fascinated with the contents of my plate, but I could feel Leo’s burning stare on my skin.

  It seemed like an eternity until everyone had left the table. I watched nervously as Onkel Georg retired to his study, but a burst of irritation flamed through me as Leo accompanied him without apology or a backward glance at me.

  I kept Tante Elya company as she embroidered in the parlour, telling her about the staff
and life at the hospital while listening to her favourite piano concerto by Tchaikovsky on the gramophone. The grand, emotive music spoke volumes to me. It reminded me of the highs and lows of love, the passion and pain involved in tapping into its true nature.

  ‘Do what makes you happy,’ said Tante Elya softly behind me when I finally heard the study door open and close and I slipped from the lounge, ‘and don’t give up hope. We never know when we’ll get what we want most.’

  I turned and saw the sadness on her face. I was sure she knew what was coming. I hated the idea of causing her any concern and wanted nothing more than to tell her what I was doing – what I really felt about Leo – but it wouldn’t do any good. Everyone had to believe that my engagement to Julius was genuine. Love would have to wait. I only nodded instead.

  ‘What is it, liebchen?’ Onkel Georg asked as I sat down on the worn leather seat opposite his desk.

  I clenched my hands in my lap to stop the terrible shaking that had overcome me. My heart was hammering through my chest, but I had to do this. I swallowed hard.

  ‘As you know, Julius has been looking after me in Berlin.’ He nodded, slowly sipping the tea Tante Elya had sent in for him, but I noticed the frown that quickly crossed his brow at my omission of ‘Onkel’. ‘He’s kindly taken me to more restaurants and concerts than he’s had to and introduced me to many of his friends and associates.’

  ‘So he’s found you a match then?’ He put his cup down on the saucer and gave me a frank look, his blue eyes clear and bright.

  There was no point beating around the bush. ‘Julius has asked me to marry him and I’ve said yes.’

  Surprise bloomed on his face, quickly followed by relief. His shoulders visibly relaxed and I realised that it hadn’t been totally unexpected. ‘Is this what you want?’ he said, his eyes searching mine.

  ‘Yes. He’s been kind to me and I know how much you wanted a good match for me.’

  He sighed and smoothed down his bushy moustache. ‘Elya told me she suspected as much, but…’

  I took hold of his hand, rough with callouses. ‘Isn’t this what you wanted? He’s your oldest friend after all.’

  ‘But you’re my daughter.’ He kissed the top of my head. ‘I’ve known Julius most of my life. He can be fickle with women, but he couldn’t have chosen any better than you. If he’s made you this promise he will protect you with his life. But he’s much older than you, old enough to be your father…’ A warm glow rushed through me at his concern.

  ‘We plan to make it official at the government gala.’

  ‘Well then, it sounds like it’s serious. He’ll make a good husband and he’s an ambitious man but, remember, he’s a Nazi. You must understand that a marriage to him places you within the circle of powerful men who have put this family in danger.’

  ‘But, Onkel, it could also protect our family. Julius loves you and your friendship is of the utmost importance to him.’

  He pulled his hand free, his face a mask of concern. ‘Susie, please tell me you’re not doing this for the wrong reasons.’ I wondered if he’d seen through me. ‘Do you have any feeling for him at all?’

  ‘We love each other,’ I said. It wasn’t a complete lie. I did love Julius in my own way, adoring him since childhood, but he would never be the great love of my life. He’d never be Leo. ‘Something just clicked between us these last months in Berlin.’

  His eyes narrowed at my words. ‘I know he’s always been fond of you since you were a child and I’ve always trusted him, but please tell me he’s only ever been a gentleman.’

  ‘Of course!’ I jerked back, offended. ‘He would never disrespect me. He’s serious about the responsibility you gave him to look after me. He told me that he meant to court me in a respectable manner.’

  ‘You’re sure about this?’ His expression was ferocious and I knew all he wanted was to protect me. I almost broke down and blurted the truth.

  ‘I am. He wanted to be here to tell you himself and ask for your blessing.’

  He sat silent for a moment while I held my breath, then he nodded. ‘If it’s what you want, you have my blessing, but remember that we’re always here for you.’

  ‘Thank you, Onkel Georg.’ I hugged him tight. He only wanted me safe and happy. Exactly what I wanted for him, Elya and Leo.

  When I returned to the parlour, the light was still on. Tante Elya was waiting for me, the embroidery on her lap.

  ‘Come and tell me, myshka. What news do you have?’

  I sank into the lounge by her side. ‘Julius asked me to marry him.’

  ‘And what was your answer?’

  ‘I said yes.’

  ‘Oh, Susanna.’ She put her hand on my arm. ‘I know he’s been helping us and we’re in his debt, but is this what you really want?’

  I turned my head, my eyes squeezed tight, holding in the tears that threatened to overflow. ‘It seems that I can’t have what I really want,’ I said, my voice shaking. I took a deep breath and turned to face her. ‘Julius is good to me, he makes me smile, and I know that Onkel Georg wanted a good match for me with someone who could take care of me.’

  ‘I see.’ Her face was filled with compassion, but her dark eyes were sad. ‘Can you learn to love him?’

  ‘Many matches have started with less… I think so, with time.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, milaya, but maybe it’s for the best. He’s in a position to keep you safe from uncertainty and for that at least I’m grateful.’ She put her arms around me and held me. ‘Never forget how much we love you.’ She kissed my forehead and we stayed like that for some time, relishing the quiet moments together.

  That night I didn’t sleep well.

  I dreamed I was in the back seat of the car again, wrapped safely in the darkness as the gentle movement and soft drone of the engine lulled me to sleep. A sudden screech of tyres jolted me awake and I pushed myself upright as a sickening thud forced our car off the road. I heard my mother’s scream as our car took flight, felt the terror welling inside me as I groped for something to hang on to, anything to anchor myself to the ground with. And then the moment of impact when everything went black. Then I was running through a tall maze of green hedges, crying. I thought my family were all dead, but then I could see them, all my family, past and present, at the end of the maze. But when I got there, I was consumed by horror. Emaciated, lifeless bodies were lying in a pile like rag dolls – their unseeing eyes staring up at me.

  * * *

  I woke up with a start in the early dawn. I felt exhausted and rattled. My dreams always seemed so real, the raw emotions lingering for hours after, setting me on edge, but this one stiffened my resolve. No matter how bad it was going to be, I had to tell Leo of my engagement.

  But in the end it wasn’t me who broke the news.

  ‘Susanna’s getting married,’ said Tante Elya at breakfast after the milking. I sat rigid, waiting for his reply.

  ‘Are you being funny?’ said Leo. He looked dishevelled and was dark under the eyes as though he’d had a bad night as well.

  ‘Your mother’s serious,’ said Onkel Georg. ‘Julius asked her to marry him and she has agreed.’ The look of complete shock and hurt on his face was almost my undoing.

  ‘That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,’ he said stony faced, refusing to look at me. ‘I’ve got better things to do than hear about Susie’s social life.’ He pushed his chair back, threw his napkin on the table in disgust and stalked out of the room.

  ‘It’s a shock to him, not something he expected,’ said Onkel Georg, wiping his mouth. ‘But he’ll calm down soon enough and congratulate you properly then.’ Tante Elya remained silent, but I saw the pain in her eyes and knew it wasn’t just for me.

  I nodded and stared at my plate. How was he ever going to forgive me?

  It didn’t take long for him to confront me. I was coming out of the barn after feeding hay to the older calves when Leo grabbed me by the arm and towed me back into the shed.


  ‘Let go of me,’ I snapped. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘What am I doing?’ he roared. ‘What are you doing? After I warned you about him!’ His eyes blazed with fury.

  ‘He’s been helping this family, if you remember. Anyway, I don’t have to listen to you,’ I yelled back, wrenching my arm free. ‘Your father wanted me to marry someone who can look after me.’

  ‘Someone with money and power,’ he said with contempt. ‘A filthy Nazi who’s only helping us because it suits his purpose. But what happens when he falls from grace or, God forbid, we lose this war? What happens to you then?’

  ‘It’s not your problem,’ I spat back. ‘I’m doing my duty as a good daughter. Your father’s happy with the match.’

  ‘And you?’ He was watching me warily now, unsure of how I’d answer.

  ‘I’m happy enough.’ I noticed the flash of satisfaction before his face darkened.

  ‘If he hurts you, I’ll break his neck.’ He was shaking with rage, but I couldn’t allow myself to feel guilty for his hurt pride. I’d chosen my path.

  ‘Oh, Leo, spare me the heroics. Just be civil to him.’ I touched his arm, wanting him to somehow understand. ‘I don’t want to see you hurt either. If we can both survive the war, who knows what will happen after?’

  ‘What are you talking about? You’ll be a married woman with his mewling brats at foot.’

  I slapped him hard across the face. ‘Don’t ever speak to me like that again. I have my own reasons for entering into this marriage, but don’t presume to know what I will or won’t do.’

  He grabbed me by the shoulders. ‘I can’t bear the idea of his hands on you.’ His breath was ragged on my neck.

  ‘He hasn’t touched me.’

  ‘Oh, but he will, the first chance he gets. As soon as you’re officially claimed, his paws will be all over you. You’re just a girl, but you’ll end up a ruined woman if he leaves you.’