She told me that if I wanted to keep Katrina in my life, then I was going to have to become the friend she deserved. I was going to have to spend time with other people and stop putting myself around Trina’s relationship so much.
“I’m not saying that you have to stop seeing her. I’m just saying that maybe you should give her the chance to come to you occasionally.”
“What if she doesn’t?” I asked, suddenly really worried.
“She will, David. I guarantee it.”
Eight
February came quickly, and with it, the start of the school year. It also brought on my birthday. I’m one of the rare people who was born on the 29th, so for a long time we just celebrated my birthday on the last day of the month, and we’d have a party every leap year for my actual birth date.
We had just entered a leap year, but after all the drama I’d been through at school, the last thing I wanted was to throw a party. All I wanted was the day off school so I could go and get my license.
A few people remembered there should have been a party and asked me about it, but most of them didn’t give a shit. I’d given up my friends the day I beat up Ben, and I didn’t even really care about the new group I’d started to hang out with anymore. We were in our final two years of school. All I wanted was to be left alone to study and get the hell out of dodge.
Some of the top-ranked students of year ten were invited to the Sydney University campus in Redfern to have a look around and see if it was somewhere we’d like to attend.
Along with UTS, it was the best university in Sydney. I was in awe being there. Katrina had been invited along as well, but she wasn’t as excited about it as I was. Since things had become more serious with Ethan, she was concerned about her proximity to him. He didn’t make it into university and was doing a TAFE course instead. TAFE was a place you went to when you didn’t qualify for university, kind of like community college in the states. Some people used it as a stepping stone to get into University, while others went there to learn a trade or skill.
Ethan was still interested in optometry, but now he was studying to be the technician who makes the glasses instead of the actual optometrist. So Trina being Trina, she thought long-term and was thinking of going to UWS to be closer to home and closer to him.
“You can always catch the train here and still live at home, you know,” I told her.
“No thanks, there is no way I’m sitting in a train for over an hour each way every day,” she said, looking around at the heritage building that towered above us. Being there was like stepping back in time. I loved it.
“Just keep an open mind,” I said, grabbing her hand to drag her around the campus one more time. “Just look at this place.”
“I’m not denying it’s beautiful. I just know that uni is a lot of work. I’ll have limited time as it is. Adding travel will only take away from that.”
“Have you considered that your priorities might be different in two years’ time?” I asked, trying to point out that she and Ethan may not even be together that far into the future without actually saying it.
“I still don’t want to travel this far every day,” she said. “It’s insane when there is a perfectly good university twenty minutes away.”
“Twenty minutes. When high school is finally over, I want to be as far away from Penrith High as possible.” I took a cleansing breath. Even the air felt different here.
“You really want high school over that much?” she asked, gripping my elbow to pull me to a stop.
“Don’t you?”
“No.”
“Why? High school is the pits.”
“Yeah, but we won’t be around each other as much at uni. I won’t get to see you every day if you come to a place like this. I mean, would you commute, or would you live in uni housing?”
“Uni housing, I guess. I don’t want to be stuck out west all my life.”
“Do you really think moving away from Penrith is going to change who you are?”
Her question caused a jolt in my chest. Even though she didn’t mean it that way, it was like she was telling me that no matter how hard I worked or how successful I became, I would still be the boy I was now. I’d still be my father’s son. Nothing.
“I don’t know, Trina. I just know I want something different.”
“What about me?”
Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, we walked slowly toward the café, the smell of coffee luring us over. “I’ll call you daily and see you every weekend.”
“You better.”
“Ah, you probably won’t even notice if I skip a day. You and Ethan will probably be married by then at the rate you’re going. You'll be fine without me.” I grinned and nudged into her with my hip.
“Marriage? Hell no. We’re both far too young for that. Building a career needs to happen first. I don’t want to be pregnant at eighteen with no degree to fall back on.” We joined the end of the line at the café and she fished around in her backpack for her purse while she continued to talk. “And you’re wrong. I would notice if you didn’t call one day. I mean, I love Ethan, but he’s my boyfriend. He’s not my best friend. He’s not you. Just because I have another guy in my life doesn’t mean I don’t want you around too. I still need you; you know. I’ll always need you.”
“Come here.” I pulled her into a big hug. Hearing her say that was music to my ears. I needed her as well. I just couldn’t figure out how I needed her. “We’ll always be friends, Trina. I promise.”
She nodded as I released her and pressed her lips together in a sad smile, wiping at her eyes while trying not to meet mine.
“Hey, why are you getting upset?” I asked, furrowing my brow as I peered into her face.
Shaking her head, she dropped her gaze. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just worried. You hardly come over anymore. I’m worried that once high school is finished and you aren’t forced to spend time with me, then our friendship could be over.”
“Forced? Are you serious? Trina, I’ve been trying to do the right thing and stay out of yours and Ethan’s way. I’ve been trying to give you space for your relationship. I get to see you all the time at school, and Ethan only gets you when you’re training together and on the weekends. I’m trying to be fair.”
“Fair? Going from visiting me all the time to only seeing me because of school feels like you don’t want to be around me at all anymore. I miss you. I miss spending time with you.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to upset you. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“Well you weren’t. You were pushing me away.”
“I’ll start coming around more often then.”
“Really?”
“Of course. I’ve been missing you too.”
With a relieved sigh, she threw her arms around my neck and held me tight. When a guy cleared his throat behind us, we released each other and progressed in the queue, ordering our coffees and something to eat before finding a spot in the shade to eat and talk. Trina seemed so happy now that I’d agreed to hang out with her more often, and I was stuck wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I hated seeing Trina with other guys. I couldn’t expect her to stay single while I got my shit together, but still, I liked not being the third wheel to her and Ethan for the past couple of months.
But I was a sucker for the girl. I would pretty much do anything for her happiness—besides be in a relationship, of course—so for the next year, I became that continual third wheel in Katrina and Ethan’s relationship. It helped that he was someone I got along with anyway, but I could tell he didn’t really want me there. And I couldn’t blame him. I was competition for his girlfriend’s attention.
Nine
Everything was going fine until the next Christmas. I’d accepted that Trina and Ethan were playing for keeps, and I started seeing other girls again. Nothing serious, same as before. But this time, I made sure I only hooked up at parties with girls from other schools. I didn’t need the Cas
sie drama to repeat itself.
Besides the odd party, I spent most of my free time studying. Trina called it ‘studying for my freedom’ since the end goal was moving closer to the city for university, but she was a great study partner, so I didn’t mind a little teasing.
“Exams are almost over,” she said as she stretched her arms above her head and rolled her neck from side to side, cracking it. “What are you going to do over the holidays?”
Dropping my pencil on the maths book in front of me, I picked up my no-name can of lemonade and took a mouthful. We were at my place, the kitchen table covered in our study notes with only two major exams left to sit before the term was over. We were almost done with Maths, but we still had science to study for after this. My brain was starting to feel a little ragged to be honest.
“I figured I’d get a job, save some money towards getting a car. I think mum’s getting sick of me taking hers.”
“How much do you think you can earn in only a couple of months?” she asked with a smile. “You’ll have to buy a total shitbox.”
“I’ll learn how to fix it up. It can be my pet project. I’ll make it all schmick and take you to the year twelve formal in it.”
Her gaze fell as she closed her books and stacked them in front of her. “Ethan’s already said he’ll take me.”
Of course he has.
“A year ahead of time?”
“Well, you’re talking about it too. And you’re not even asking, you just assumed.”
“It’s cool,” I said, crunching my empty can in my fist. “I kinda thought we’d just go as a group. I wasn’t thinking.” I got up and threw the can in the recycling bin, rolling my eyes at myself because I hadn’t even thought about Ethan at all. I just assumed I’d take Trina the same way I did last time. Maybe I had some stupid thought that things would be over between her and Ethan by then and I’d get another shot at saying yes to her. Pipe dreams.
“We can go as a group,” she said with a shrug. Although something about the pitch in her voice told me that would be a terrible idea. “It’ll be fun.”
“It’s ages away, Trina. How about we worry about it when it’s time to buy the tickets?”
“You might even have a girlfriend yourself by then?”
Scoffing, I pulled the fridge open and pulled the chicken out that Mum had put in there for tonight’s dinner. “That is never going to happen. I don’t do girlfriends.”
“I keep hoping you’ll change your mind on that.” Sliding her books into her bag, she stood from the table. “Relationships are better than you think. Even when they’ve ended.”
Pulling out the cutting board, I placed my hands on the bench and met her eyes. “I’ll have to take your word for it.”
She slid her bag over her shoulder. “You could always try it out for yourself.”
“And you could put your bag back down and stay for dinner so we can study for science as well.”
With a slight giggle, she shook her head. “I’m going to a movie with Ethan.”
Of course she was.
“OK. I’ll study for us both then,” I said, pulling the knife from the block to cut the chicken into slices.
She smiled. “See you tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I said as she came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
As she walked out, seeming so carefree and happy with her life, I couldn’t help but look around the house and think about the vast difference between hers and my situations. I had responsibilities at home—cleaning, cooking and yard work—while Mum worked long hours to provide for the both of us. Trina’s mum stayed home, her dad worked, and all she had to do was make her bed each morning and set the table for dinner at night. Everything seemed easier for her. And I was jealous. I was tired. And I didn’t know what to do about that.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Mum said with a sigh as she came through the front door later that night. She passed me at the table, still studying, and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. “What’s this?”
“Science. Well, chemistry. How was work?”
“Long.” She dropped her bag on the chair beside me, and her keys on the clearest part f the table.
“Your dinner is in the microwave.” I’d eaten hours before after she’d called to say she was pulling a double shift.
“Thank you.” She hit the quick cook button twice then folded her arms while she waited. “I thought Trina would still be here.”
I looked at my watch. “It’s almost eleven.”
“And?”
“She went to a movie with Ethan.”
“You weren’t invited this time?”
I gathered my study notes into a pile, deciding I was done for the night. “Thankfully, no.”
“Everything OK? I thought you liked Ethan.”
“I do. I’m just tired of being the guy on the outside. It’s crowded.”
“Jealous?” She grinned as the microwave beeped.
“A little.” I got up and grabbed us both a can of drink, sitting across from her as she sat to eat. “But I’m not jealous of him. I think I’m jealous of her.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. She’s just so sure about everything. She’s happy, content, moving forward in this straight line while I’m here feeling restless and anxious, like I’m a tiger stalking a cage.”
“A tiger?” She paused with a fork filled with curry and rice before her mouth.
“Yeah. Like I want out.”
Her eyes widened a little as she placed her fork back on her plate. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
Ah shit. “It’s not about getting away from you, Mum. I love you, and I think you’re awesome. But I want to get out of this town, this school. I want to go places, do more, be more. I feel like if I stay here, I’ll be stuck being something I don’t wanna be, but if I leave, I’ll branch out and figure my shit out.”
“Are you saying you think you’ve outgrown your friendship with Trina?”
Frowning, I shook my head. “No. I’d take her with me if she wanted to leave. But she doesn’t. I think she’s outgrown me. She just doesn’t want to admit it.”
“Have you spoken to her about this?”
“I’ve told her I want to go to uni in the city, stay on campus.”
“And what did she say?”
“She said she wants to stay close to Ethan, but she doesn’t want to lose our friendship.”
“So you feel that she’s choosing Ethan over you?”
“No. Yes… I don’t know. I’m just tired, Mum. I don’t want to watch her live her happy life anymore.”
“Then why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Because we want different things. It’s too late now. She’s happy. She’s in love. And I’m….”
“Tired.”
I let out a sigh and nodded.
“And you feel trapped?”
I nodded again. “And confused, lost, overwhelmed. Everything is different, but it’s still the same, and…I don’t know anymore.”
She reached across the table and placed her hand on top of mine. “I know your life hasn’t been the easiest, especially since your dad left. But I want you to know I’m so proud of the man you’re becoming. I can’t do much to change the way you’re feeling right now. I think time will give you clarity there. But I can offer my understanding and let you know I’m always here to talk when you need to. If your friendship with Katrina is truly hurting you, then it’s OK to let it go. But before you do, I want you to try something. Imagine a world in which she’s gone and you can’t pick up the phone and call her, or run to her when you’re stressed or upset. If you can do that and feel OK about it then let her go. If you can’t, hold tighter. You’ll get through this, OK?”
Holy fuck. “OK,” I said, heart in my throat because a world without Katrina? No. That would be hell.
Hold tighter. I can get through this.
* * *
I took a few days over the next
week spending time alone to think while I finished up exams. Trina didn’t press for me to socialise since she knew how important my grades were to me, so when I wasn’t preparing for an exam, I ran different scenarios through my mind, trying to figure out what the hell I wanted in life. I did as my mother suggested and created imaginary timelines where Trina and I didn’t know each other anymore. They honestly felt like the worst-case scenarios, bleak and lonely, the ones I didn’t want. Then I plotted out scenarios with various degrees of involvement. My favourites were when we were close but not too close. I preferred it when there was no boyfriend I’m in the picture of course, but being the boyfriend myself made me uneasy because it changed things between us. I didn’t know why I couldn’t cross that line with Trina—even mentally it was a struggle—because logically, we were perfect for each other, and maybe we would beat the odds and work out like my mother said. But statistically, I knew that was practically impossible. The risks felt far too great.
At the end of the day, I wanted Trina more as a friend than a lover. Sex was easy to come by, but true friendship—the kind that could withstand anything—was a rare find indeed. I wasn’t going to let that go.
Which just brought me back to the conundrum I’d been having ever since the night of the year ten formal. How do I stop feeling attracted to her? How do I remain her friend and watch her fall in love with some other guy? How do you love somebody without ever having them? I was caught in a pattern of wanting to push her away to protect myself and pull her in close because I couldn’t let go. It was ridiculous. Even I could see that. In my perfect world, she would stay single and we would be the kind of best friends we always were—close, affectionate, available…
But that kind of scenario was selfish and unreasonable. I had told Trina on more than one occasion that I didn’t want a relationship, and I needed to hold true to that. I needed to live by it, accept it, and quit wanting to weigh her down, put her on the shelf and keep her there so only I could look at her. That wasn’t fair. I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. So I needed to make peace with my decision and learn to be truly happy for her. Not just fake happy.
Beautiful Boxset: Beautiful Series, books 1-4 Page 37
