Breaking away, I lean up on his chest and look down at him, trying to keep my hair out of his face. He lifts his hands and starts to clumsily twirl my curls around his fingers, pulling at it so it hurts a little.
“You are so drunk,” I point out, laughing.
His words come out all slurred as he speaks. “I love you so fucking much, Paige,” he says with as much feeling as he can muster.
My heart jumps a little from his drunken outburst. He hasn’t said it again since last weekend. “I know you do, Elliot.”
He shakes his head vigorously. “Noooo, you don’t know, I haven’t said it properly.” He grabs my face with both his hands and looks me dead in the eye, suddenly sounding very sober. “I love you, Paige Larsen. I think I have I loved you since before I even met you.”
I smile down at him, tears emerging from my eyes because I know it’s time to end this.
“Are you crying? No, don’t cry, you’re always so sad. But whenever you smile, I feel like I won something amazing,” he breathes, using his hands to emphasise the last word.
“Elliot, you are so smashed right now. You need to sleep,” I tell him through my tears, smiling at his openness and doubting he’ll even remember this conversation in the morning.
“All right,” he says, closing his eyes. “But you have to stay right next to me.”
I nod my head and lie down beside him, resting my head on his chest and hugging him tightly, breathing in his scent and listening to the sounds of his life through his chest. I want to savour our last moments together so I can hold them in my heart and think of him always.
When I’m sure he is asleep, I kiss his neck and whisper in his ear. “I love you, too. So much.” Tears roll down my face as I sit up and touch his sleeping face tenderly. It’s time to tell him everything. I’ve been too gutless before now, but now that it’s time for him to leave, he needs to hate me enough to go alone. And he will. No one can forgive the thing I’ve done.
I forgive you, Phoenix says in her tiny voice.
Of course you do. You have an innocent heart.
Didn’t you once?
Yes. But I turned it black with bad decisions. It’s why you got hurt. It’s why I need to be alone.
I’m sorry, Mummy.
So am I, my beautiful girl.
With my fingers on my shoulder, I rise off the bed and walk out of our room, leaving Elliot asleep as I close the door quietly behind me. Grabbing a notepad and pen, I sit down and write the words I’ve been too afraid to say. My confession.
When I’m done, I fold the paper, put it in an envelope with Elliot’s name on it and tuck it inside his wallet, placing his phone on top. Then I get up and take one last look at my love, snoring softly. Then I leave.
Twenty-Seven
Elliot
Moving my tongue around my mouth to distribute some moisture, I open my eyes, acutely aware of the fact that Paige is no longer on the bed with me. Swinging my legs to the floor, I wince as the pain in my head hits me. I don’t think I have ever drunk so much alcohol in my life. This is horrible. It will make the flight home intolerable.
I shuffle out to the kitchen and grab some ibuprofen and a large glass of water, downing it as fast as I can.
Leaning on the edge of the sink, I wait, hoping the water is going to stay down. The moment I’m safe, I move again, looking for signs of Paige’s whereabouts. Instead, I notice my phone and wallet on the shelf with some paper sticking out of it.
“Paige?” I call out to no answer.
Dread fills my already queasy stomach as I walk over and take it out. It’s an envelope with my name on it in Paige’s handwriting. “What?” I move to the table and take a seat before opening it. Actually, I’m just sitting here staring at it. I don’t want to know what’s inside.
Letting out a huge steadying breath, I slide my thumb under the seal and tear it open. Forcing my eyes to read.
My dear, beautiful Elliot,
I am so sorry. I didn’t have the courage to stick around and go back to Australia with you. I wanted to. I truly did. But I know in my heart that you and I can never be. Not long term, anyway. I never said it to you Elliot, but you need to know that I love you too. I love you so much that I selfishly let you love me back, knowing that I would always drive you away. They say the truth hurts. But my truth, it destroys lives.
Do you remember that game we played? We asked each other rapid-fire questions, and it ended in us laughing and eating Tim-tams? Well, you asked me a question then. And when I gave you the truth, you didn’t believe me. You asked what my first job was, and I told you I was a sex toy and a drug dealer. I have never admitted those things before. But when you looked at me like I was joking, I knew my truth was too much for you to hear. So I kept it to myself. I know it doesn’t sound like much of an excuse, but I couldn’t bring myself to witness the love leave your face when you found out what I really am, what I’ve done.
I’m a coward for doing it this way, and I’m sorry. I kept us going until the last second because I wanted you so much. I wanted to share as many precious moments with you as I could, because I will carry you in my heart as the only man I'll ever love. I need you to fully understand that before you read on. Know that above everything else, I love you, and try to remember that for a short time, you loved me too. Please keep that in your heart when you look at the pictures of our time together. Focus on the good. Focus on our love. I know I will.
Now it’s time for my confession. I’ve already told you about my home life and how I was kicked out at 15, but it's after that that my life became an unforgivable disaster.
I didn’t go to foster care, Elliot. I couch hopped for as long as I could but eventually I was forced onto the street.
I’m ashamed to say this, but I fell in with the wrong people. I took drugs, and I sold even more. When dealing wasn’t an option anymore, I went home with different men, doing what I had to do to get a bed and some food for the night. I used people. I made one guy fall in love with me then cheated with his best friend. Then I did it all again, and again. I lost track of how many men there were. I was rarely sober enough to remember their names.
That’s when I met the man who destroyed my trust in men. He wasn’t good. But at that point, neither was I. I was a thief. I was an addict. I was a whore. He simply saw what I was and took advantage of it. He gave me away and my life stopped. I did things. Terrible, disgusting, sick and twisted things for the sake of a hit. And when I was all used up, when my skin was sucked against my bones and my veins collapsed, I was cast out again. But this time, I wasn’t alone.
There was a child in my womb. I didn’t even know until it was too late. I was in an ambulance, half out of my mind, bleeding and in pain when they told me. My baby was coming. Something was wrong.
Later that day, I realised the monster I had become when I delivered a baby girl. She was so tiny, Elliot, and she was all blue. Not even a single breath of life in her because I’d killed her in my body. The drugs. The drugs. The fucking drugs. What kind of person doesn’t realise a life is growing inside her? What kind of person kills her baby without offering it a shred of love during its moment of existence? My heart died when I held her in my arms, horrified by what I’d done. I promised then and there that I would never abuse another substance again. I promised to never trust a man, never give into attraction, never go looking for love. I didn’t deserve it. Not when my little baby never knew a moment of comfort.
Phoenix. That’s her name. I called her that because I had to believe she’d be born again to another mother who would be far better to her than I could ever have been.
My tattoo is for her. It gives me comfort to imagine she's with me, to talk to her in my mind, to touch her when I’m stressed, or alone, or sad. It’s also a constant reminder of what I did, and why I need to leave you.
I killed my baby, Elliot. Let that sink in. I was a drug-addled whore who was so bent on destroying my life that I destroyed the life of a tiny girl who’s on
ly failing was choosing my womb to carry her. I’m a monster. And you deserve so much more than I can give you.
So I’m saying goodbye. I’m letting you go. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m so sorry I let our relationship get to this point, and I’m so sorry I had to tell you in a letter. I simply wasn’t strong enough to tell you to your face.
I love you, Elliot Roberts. I will hold the time we had together close to my heart for the rest of my life. It was absolutely perfect to me. Every moment was. You need to know that even if you can’t look at my pictures anymore. Maybe it would be best if you delete them and forget about me all together.
You deserve love; you deserve a life that is so much more wonderful than anything we could have had together. If you do anything for me, please let it be that. And please don’t look for me. I won’t be here.
Goodbye, Elliot.
Yours forever,
Paige xxx
I cover my face with my hands as my tears flow freely. I haven’t cried since I was a kid but these great wracking sobs are escaping my body. Frantically, I grab for my phone. I need to speak to her. I need to tell her that the past is the past. I need to tell her it wasn’t her fault—drugs do shit things to people—and most of all, I need to tell her I love her. I don’t care what she did to survive. I don’t care. I love her no matter what. Why didn’t she trust me to love her?
I call and I call, and I get her voice mail over and over again. I plead with her. I beg her to come back and see me. I promise her I’ll come back for her, that she doesn’t have to be alone. “Everyone deserves a second chance at life, Paige. Everyone deserves love. I’m not leaving you.”
When I look at the clock and realise I need to leave for the airport, I pitch my phone as hard as I can against the floor, smashing the screen and rendering it unusable.
“How is she going to call you back if your phone is broken?” Naomi asks quietly from the doorway. She's been watching me all day. I think I’ve scared her.
I crouch on the ground to pick up the remains of my phone and shake my head. “She’s not calling me back,” I say, completely defeated.
She comes over to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugging me tightly. “I’m so sorry, Elliot, I could tell how much you loved her.”
“Love her, Naomi. I love her.”
Paige
I haven’t stopped crying since I left the flat. I sit in my car on the side of the road, howling against the steering wheel because my heart won't quit tearing at my chest. Even imaginary conversations with my daughter don't ease this pain. There is nothing that eases a shattering heart. Nothing. I know this because my heart has broken so many times I’m surprised there was anything left. In time, and the pain will numb. But in this moment I can do nothing but feel.
Elliot keeps calling. Why would he want to speak to me? Is it to yell at me? To have his say so he can walk away knowing he called me a piece of shit? No. He’s not that kind of person. Then why? Surely, he can’t still want me after reading my confession. How could he possibly want someone so selfish that they killed their own baby? Not to mention how I’ve treated him. It’s just not possible.
With shaking hands, I take my phone and dial my voicemail, desperate to hear his voice. When I hold my phone to my ear, my mother’s voice filters out. “Paige. Please talk to me. There are things you don’t know.” I skip her message. Frowning because I can’t focus on her right now. But her voice keeps coming, over and over. Skip, skip, skip. Then I stop breathing when Elliot’s strained voice fills my ears.
“Paige, please come back, we can work this out. I don’t care what you did, I love you, Paige. Please Paige, please come back with me.”
Tears stream down my face as I listen, he sounds so tormented, and by his final message, I hate myself even more than I thought I possibly could.
“Everyone deserves a second chance at life, Paige. Everyone deserves love. I’m not leaving you.”
I place my hand over my screaming heart and claw at my skin. God, what have I done?
Elliot
“You need to go, Elliot,” Naomi says while placing a gentle hand on my back.
“I’m not leaving,” I insist.
She squats down on the floor next to me, placing her hands on my knees as she looks into my eyes. “I know you don’t want to. But if you overstay your visa, they won’t let you back.”
“What if she comes back? What if she changes her mind and I’m not here?”
“She’s not coming back, Elliot. You and I both know that. If she was anywhere waiting, she’d be at the airport expecting you to be there too.”
“What if she isn’t there either?”
“Then we wait as long as we can, and we hope. But you have to be on that plane.”
“I can’t leave.”
“You can come back. I will track her down, and I will make her talk to you. She’s not lost, OK? She’s just… I don’t know, she’s freaking out right now. We can get through to her. But we can’t get through to her if you get kicked out of the country. Be smart, Elliot. Play the long game.”
“Fuck.” I take a deep breath and blow it out through my teeth, pissed that this is where we are. “You’re right. Fuck it, you’re right.”
She gives my forearm a gentle squeeze. “I’ll help you with your bags.”
She drives me to the airport and stays silently by my side as I check in. We scan the crowd, waiting for as long as we can before I have to line up for my security check.
“Maybe she’s already at the gate?” she says.
I shake my head as I lean down to kiss her cheek. “She’s not here, Nomes. She left me.”
“I’ll find her, OK? I promise you I will find her for you. This can’t be over.” A tear falls down her cheek. “It can’t be over. You love each other too much.”
Pulling her into my arms, I take a deep breath as I squeeze her in comfort, dropping a final kiss on the top of her head. “Goodbye, Naomi. And thank you. You’re an amazing friend.”
“You too,” she says, sobbing as I let her go and walk away, numb. What else is there to do?
Paige
I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe I’m sending him home without saying goodbye. I can’t believe I’m not going with him. Shit. I race through the airport, searching for his face above the crowd, frantically weaving through people I don’t even really see.
But when someone stands in front of me, blocking my path, I‘m forced to pause my search and focus on the face in front of me.
“Paige!” Naomi grabs me by my arms and holds me still. “Where are your bags? Are you checked in?”
“Where is he?” I gasp, my voice frantic. “I need to say goodbye, I need to say I’m sorry.”
Her eyes flash. “You’re still not going back with him? What is wrong with you?” Aggravation flares inside me. She’s not answering my question.
“Naomi! Where is he?” Please. Please be here.
“He’s already gone through,” she says. “You’re too late. Unless you’re getting on that plane.”
“Shit. Shit.” I glance up at the flight board. I don’t have any luggage but my passport and ticket are in my purse. Maybe I can make it? “Fuck.” Rushing for the check in, I rummage through my bag, hands shaking too hard to function.
“Let me,” Naomi says, taking my bag and getting my passport out. “Where’s your ticket?” She digs about, frowning.
“What?”
“Your ticket. It’s not here.”
I grab for my bag, about to dump the contents on the ground before the realisation hits me. “Elliot has it.”
“Oh crap. Well… Maybe you can talk to someone at the counter? They have your name. Surely they can help you.”
I nod. “OK.”
I feel close to puking as we wind our way to the service desk, and tell the clerk about my plight, handing over my passport and the email confirmation on my phone. “I’m sorry, miss. This flight has closed.”
&n
bsp; “But I don’t have luggage. You can just put me on there and I’ll go straight through.”
“I’m sorry. Boarding has already commenced. Perhaps I can book you on the next flight? There’s one leaving at eleven tonight. It’s fully booked, but I can put you on standby?”
Water blocks my vision as I stare at the woman, eyes swimming. “You mean, I’m too late?”
“I’m sorry. But I can book you on—”
“No,” I whisper, blinking tears. “No, thank you.”
I walk away in a daze, my blood pumping so hard through my ears that the airport noise is muffled. I’m too late.
“What are you doing?” Naomi yells after me, grabbing my arm and tugging me to a stop. “Get the ticket. Get any ticket. Just get through security and go find him.”
“Didn’t you hear her, Naomi? They’re already boarding. Even if I get in there, I can’t get to him in time.”
“Then wait for the next flight. Go back to Sydney. Find him. Don’t let this go, Paige. I’ve watched you fall in love with each other. You are literally the embodiment of every romantic couple I’ve ever read about. You’re soulmates. I know you are. And if you can’t make it work then what hope is there for the rest of us?” She wipes a tear from her cheek with an angry swipe.
I shake my head, frowning because I should never have come here. “You read too many books. Real life doesn’t work that way.” Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I turned to walk away.
“Don’t do this,” she says and I stop.
“Do you believe in fate?”
Her eyes light up a touch. “Of course.”
“This is it. This is fate telling me I was right to let him go.”
“No, Paige. This isn’t fate at all. You’re just not trying hard enough.”
“If fate wanted us to be together, I would’ve made it here on time. I would’ve gotten that ticket and made it through security just in time to see him go through the door. Then he would’ve looked back and seen me in that last second, and I’d run into his arms and he’d catch me, and we be together. Credits rolling. But that’s not real life. That’s not what this is. I left him. I left him because I’m a shitty person, and all of this—” I gesture around me “—is a sign that he’s better off without me. He’s better off. I promise you.”
Beautiful Boxset: Beautiful Series, books 1-4 Page 63
