Youth, a Narrative

by Joseph Conrad

last of the ship.'

  "'I can't stand by any longer,' shouted the other. 'Mails--you know.'

  "'Ay! ay! We are all right.'

  "'Very well! I'll report you in Singapore.... Good-bye!'

  "He waved his hand. Our men dropped their bundles quietly. The steamermoved ahead, and passing out of the circle of light, vanished at oncefrom our sight, dazzled by the fire which burned fiercely. And then Iknew that I would see the East first as commander of a small boat. Ithought it fine; and the fidelity to the old ship was fine. We shouldsee the last of her. Oh the glamour of youth! Oh the fire of it, moredazzling than the flames of the burning ship, throwing a magic light onthe wide earth, leaping audaciously to the sky, presently to be quenchedby time, more cruel, more pitiless, more bitter than the sea--and likethe flames of the burning ship surrounded by an impenetrable night."

  *****

  "The old man warned us in his gentle and inflexible way that it was partof our duty to save for the under-writers as much as we could of theship's gear. According we went to work aft, while she blazed forward togive us plenty of light. We lugged out a lot of rubbish. What didn't wesave? An old barometer fixed with an absurd quantity of screws nearlycost me my life: a sudden rush of smoke came upon me, and I just gotaway in time. There were various stores, bolts of canvas, coils of rope;the poop looked like a marine bazaar, and the boats were lumbered to thegunwales. One would have thought the old man wanted to take as much ashe could of his first command with him. He was very very quiet, but offhis balance evidently. Would you believe it? He wanted to take a lengthof old stream-cable and a kedge-anchor with him in the long-boat. Wesaid, 'Ay, ay, sir,' deferentially, and on the quiet let the thing slipoverboard. The heavy medicine-chest went that way, two bags of greencoffee, tins of paint--fancy, paint!--a whole lot of things. Then I wasordered with two hands into the boats to make a stowage and get themready against the time it would be proper for us to leave the ship.

  "We put everything straight, stepped the long-boat's mast for ourskipper, who was in charge of her, and I was not sorry to sit down for amoment. My face felt raw, every limb ached as if broken, I was awareof all my ribs, and would have sworn to a twist in the back-bone. Theboats, fast astern, lay in a deep shadow, and all around I could see thecircle of the sea lighted by the fire. A gigantic flame arose forwardstraight and clear. It flared there, with noises like the whir of wings,with rumbles as of thunder. There were cracks, detonations, and fromthe cone of flame the sparks flew upwards, as man is born to trouble, toleaky ships, and to ships that burn.

  "What bothered me was that the ship, lying broadside to the swell and tosuch wind as there was--a mere breath--the boats would not keep asternwhere they were safe, but persisted, in a pig-headed way boats have,in getting under the counter and then swinging alongside. They wereknocking about dangerously and coming near the flame, while the shiprolled on them, and, of course, there was always the danger of the mastsgoing over the side at any moment. I and my two boat-keepers kept themoff as best we could with oars and boat-hooks; but to be constantlyat it became exasperating, since there was no reason why we should notleave at once. We could not see those on board, nor could we imaginewhat caused the delay. The boat-keepers were swearing feebly, and I hadnot only my share of the work, but also had to keep at it two men whoshowed a constant inclination to lay themselves down and let thingsslide.

  "At last I hailed 'On deck there,' and someone looked over. 'We're readyhere,' I said. The head disappeared, and very soon popped up again. 'Thecaptain says, All right, sir, and to keep the boats well clear of theship.'

  "Half an hour passed. Suddenly there was a frightful racket, rattle,clanking of chain, hiss of water, and millions of sparks flew up intothe shivering column of smoke that stood leaning slightly above theship. The cat-heads had burned away, and the two red-hot anchors hadgone to the bottom, tearing out after them two hundred fathom of red-hotchain. The ship trembled, the mass of flame swayed as if ready tocollapse, and the fore top-gallant-mast fell. It darted down likean arrow of fire, shot under, and instantly leaping up within anoar's-length of the boats, floated quietly, very black on the luminoussea. I hailed the deck again. After some time a man in an unexpectedlycheerful but also muffled tone, as though he had been trying to speakwith his mouth shut, informed me, 'Coming directly, sir,' and vanished.For a long time I heard nothing but the whir and roar of the fire. Therewere also whistling sounds. The boats jumped, tugged at the painters,ran at each other playfully, knocked their sides together, or, do whatwe would, swung in a bunch against the ship's side. I couldn't stand itany longer, and swarming up a rope, clambered aboard over the stern.

  "It was as bright as day. Coming up like this, the sheet of fire facingme, was a terrifying sight, and the heat seemed hardly bearable atfirst. On a settee cushion dragged out of the cabin, Captain Beard,with his legs drawn up and one arm under his head, slept with the lightplaying on him. Do you know what the rest were busy about? They weresitting on deck right aft, round an open case, eating bread and cheeseand drinking bottled stout.

  "On the background of flames twisting in fierce tongues above theirheads they seemed at home like salamanders, and looked like a bandof desperate pirates. The fire sparkled in the whites of their eyes,gleamed on patches of white skin seen through the torn shirts. Eachhad the marks as of a battle about him--bandaged heads, tied-up arms, astrip of dirty rag round a knee--and each man had a bottle between hislegs and a chunk of cheese in his hand. Mahon got up. With his handsomeand disreputable head, his hooked profile, his long white beard, andwith an uncorked bottle in his hand, he resembled one of those recklesssea-robbers of old making merry amidst violence and disaster. 'The lastmeal on board,' he explained solemnly. 'We had nothing to eat allday, and it was no use leaving all this.' He flourished the bottle andindicated the sleeping skipper. 'He said he couldn't swallow anything,so I got him to lie down,' he went on; and as I stared, 'I don't knowwhether you are aware, young fellow, the man had no sleep to speak offor days--and there will be dam' little sleep in the boats.' 'Therewill be no boats by-and-by if you fool about much longer,' I said,indignantly. I walked up to the skipper and shook him by the shoulder.At last he opened his eyes, but did not move. 'Time to leave her, sir,'I said, quietly.

  "He got up painfully, looked at the flames, at the sea sparkling roundthe ship, and black, black as ink farther away; he looked at the starsshining dim through a thin veil of smoke in a sky black, black asErebus.

  "'Youngest first,' he said.

  "And the ordinary seaman, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand,got up, clambered over the taffrail, and vanished. Others followed. One,on the point of going over, stopped short to drain his bottle, and witha great swing of his arm flung it at the fire. 'Take this!' he cried.

  "The skipper lingered disconsolately, and we left him to commune alonefor awhile with his first command. Then I went up again and broughthim away at last. It was time. The ironwork on the poop was hot to thetouch.

  "Then the painter of the long-boat was cut, and the three boats, tiedtogether, drifted clear of the ship. It was just sixteen hours after theexplosion when we abandoned her. Mahon had charge of the second boat,and I had the smallest--the 14-foot thing. The long-boat would havetaken the lot of us; but the skipper said we must save as much propertyas we could--for the under-writers--and so I got my first command. I hadtwo men with me, a bag of biscuits, a few tins of meat, and a breaker ofwater. I was ordered to keep close to the long-boat, that in case of badweather we might be taken into her.

  "And do you know what I thought? I thought I would part company as soonas I could. I wanted to have my first command all to myself. I wasn'tgoing to sail in a squadron if there were a chance for independentcruising. I would make land by myself. I would beat the other boats.Youth! All youth! The silly, charming, beautiful youth.

  "But we did not make a start at once. We must see the last of the ship.And so the boats drifted about that night, heaving and setting on theswell. The men dozed, waked, sighed, groan
ed. I looked at the burningship.

  "Between the darkness of earth and heaven she was burning fiercely upona disc of purple sea shot by the blood-red play of gleams; upon a discof water glittering and sinister. A high, clear flame, an immense andlonely flame, ascended from the ocean, and from its summit the blacksmoke poured continuously at the sky. She burned furiously, mournfuland imposing like a funeral pile kindled in the night, surrounded bythe sea, watched over by the stars. A magnificent death had come likea grace, like a gift, like a reward to that old ship at the end of herlaborious days. The surrender of her weary ghost to the keeping of starsand sea was stirring like the sight of a glorious triumph. The mastsfell just before daybreak, and for