Be Your Downfall

by Lizzie Fox

  35

  Jessalie

  Mercifully, Seth’s pants remained on all throughout his performance. I was more than grateful, because the arena and the crowd was huge. Huge to the point of intimidation. After all was said and done he said it was roughly in the ballpark of about fifteen hundred.

  I didn’t think I could kick the asses of that many women who ogled his ass.

  Despite that, it was an amazing performance. Seth was magnetic as always with that stage-face that I now recognized was a little too close to his smokin’-hot sex face; and we were going to have to have a chat about that. It certainly wasn’t discrediting his appeal to the female kind. But he was totally oblivious about it.

  Signing autographs earlier I couldn’t believe how many women lined up for him. Some of them were extremely beautiful and made me feel about as attractive as a wet burlap sack but Seth being himself—he not only paid them no-never-mind, but he had no problems letting the world know I was his. Either with a sexy stare, a touch, or just be outright saying it.

  If we had social media pages—which oddly enough neither of us did really—we’d have the ‘in a relationship’ box checked off days ago.

  It was hard to believe I’d truly only been with him for a couple of weeks now.

  I found myself thinking that they were honestly the best two weeks I’d ever had. Everything with Blake was intense and heavy our whole relationship, but there was a certain amount of fear involved. Fear of being kicked out of parents’ houses—which happened, or fear of judgment, whatever.

  With Seth there was no fear. I was settled now and could pay my own way no matter where I was. Seth was getting there and would have been there already if it weren’t for extenuating circumstances. Either way, we didn’t have to face judgement from our peers and family. It was…freeing. Just as it was freeing watching—no, fawning—over Seth on stage. He was so dead sexy, so sensual and perfectly gorgeous with everything he did. He could move and shake along to every beat and never did it once seem awkward, even with his black nail polish and eyeliner. In fact, the damn liner just made his eyes that much hotter and I stood in wet panties for most of the night.

  Watching him master that mic with his velvet, baritone voice and stroke that guitar with those talented fingers that could not only tear an intense riff, but with artful skill bring my body to the peaks of the highest, sensual pleasure.

  I now knew the words to all of the songs and I definitely had no issue dancing along like everyone else or swaying to the beat. And it was the hottest thing in the world—ever—when he watched me most of the night, sexing me with those eyes.

  By the time we got home, I was so hot and bothered I couldn’t stand it. The entire time on stage was just an aphrodisiac, and we were ticking time bombs ready to explode. The sex was off the charts hot, and we had been going at it for hours when we finally crashed into bed.

  Around 4 A.M., when we were both totally spent and had fallen in a complete tangle in bed I was a bit puzzled, though. For about a week now, Seth had been a little moody, a little faraway at times, and sleeping a bit more than usual for someone who said he couldn’t sleep well. I thought today he was better but tonight, he’d normally either be exhausted and passed out after a marathon sex session, or grinning like a fool seemed rather quiet and pensive. He was on his back and I lay my head on his bare chest, and he stroked his fingers lazily through the hair down my back. I’d about had nodded off, relaxed by the orgasm afterglow, and the combination of Seth’s natural musky, spicy scent mixed with the clean fruity smell of my shampoo that I breathed in when he suddenly spoke.

  “I’m sorry if being around all those women made you feel weird, Jessie,” he said.

  My head snapped up and eyes flew open, startled. “Huh?” I asked, confused.

  Seth turned his head to face me. “I really never noticed it before, until I had you around. All I could think of was how crappy that’d make you feel. I’m sorry.”

  I snorted gently. “Oh silly. It’s not your fault.” I insisted. I didn’t want to add that obviously it did make me green with envy because it wasn’t his fault. I got it. I got the appeal of him. I saw it instantly at his first performance in Minneapolis. There is just something about him that draws you in. He was bright without being too flashy, brooding without being too dark.

  Holy…he is like the moon. I recalled the conversation we had that day we had our first “date," walking along the shoreline of Independence Lake. I’d compared Blake to the sun, but Seth said he preferred the moon, because it didn’t burn out, and it revolved around the world, not the other way around.

  Maybe that’s what I needed all along.

  “Jessie?” I felt his fingertips brush over the side of my face. Grinning brightly, I turned into and kissed his palm. He sort of gave a light chuckle. “What is that for?”

  I shrugged. “Just for being you.”

  He flinched in confusion. “That’s a good thing?”

  “Yes!” I replied, laughing. “It’s so sweet that you were worried about how I’d feel or if I was jealous when it’s really not your fault. Though…”

  He arched a brow. “Though?”

  “Though we should discuss that ‘fuck-me’ face you use on stage when you’re singing sometimes.” I shook a finger at him, pretending to scold.

  Seth groaned and lay back on the pillow, grabbing my finger to his lips and kissing the tip. “Don’t pretend to be all school-teacher-y without your glasses. It’s just too hot, I can’t take it.”

  “Is that so?” With an evil smile, I reached for the glasses on my nightstand, and promptly put them on, narrowing my eyes at him. “Better?”

  “Ugh…” He sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I’m spent, I can’t get it up any more for a while. You’re gonna kill me.”

  “I just might.” He snorted, shaking his head. “If you stopped making that fuck me face to the audience, all those women might not crowd you.”

  “Wait—just what ‘fuck me’ face are we talking about? I don’t have a ‘fuck me’ face?”

  I laughed loudly. “Oh baby, you most certainly do. I’ll prove it.” Sitting up, I retrieved the laptop, opened it and searched for Night Addiction’s social media page. “I know Shane or Sabrina was taking video here and there, I’m sure they’ve uploaded already.” I navigated the page to the photo section, finding the section of photos and videos from tonight’s gig. The first video I clicked on of a power ballad called “All the More Reason” and hit play. The sound didn’t immediately come on and I moved to click the volume but Seth scowled.

  “Don’t like listening to yourself?”

  “It’s just weird. I’m not in the mood. Bad enough I have to look at myself,” he groused quietly. I gave him a light shove.

  “Stop. You’re gorgeous.” Seth still frowned sourly. “There.” I pointed to the screen at his heavy-lidded eyes, lips gently pursed and smirked as he crooned out the chorus. “That is your fuck me face.”

  “It is?” Seth laughed loudly. “I was trying to stop myself from sneezing, really. I got too close to Ian and his cologne smells like shit.”

  I smacked him in the arm. “Liar. You were nowhere near him.” Seth just chuckled lowly.

  “So that’s it? The face I make—”

  “—when you’re horny, yes.”

  He wrinkled his nose. “God. It’s a wonder you ever ever slept with me.”

  “Oh quit,” I admonished. “Don’t believe me? Look at all these damn women.” I started scrolling down with the trackpad, pointing out the various comments of young women either saying he was point blank hot, wanting to have his babies or something of that nature. “See, this one even says ‘I wonder if that’s his sex face.’” His upper lip curled into a sneer.

  “Okay but look. Look where I’m facing there, looking right into the front row. I’m looking at you. So… there,” he said defiantly.

  “I know,” I said with a grin. “Still they don’t know that. I wish I could repl
y and tell her that…”

  “Yeah?” Seth cackled impishly, taking the computer from me, sitting up and pulling the blankets over his naked bottom half, and setting it in his lap.

  “What are you doing?” I demanded. He didn’t reply, just continued to smirk as he typed. I tried to peek over his arm but he turned the screen from me. “Dammit, Seth…”

  “Here. Now you did.” He showed me the screen, pointing at the comment about his “sex face”. Underneath was a reply from the official Night Addiction page that read, “Yes it is, but it’s not for you –Jessie”

  My mouth fell open. “Delete that!”

  “Hell no!”

  Glaring, I tried to grab it from him but he was too fast; he clicked the log-out area and I couldn’t access it. “Mean. That was mean.”

  “I was only doing what you wanted,” he replied innocently, and I snickered as his gaze was still tracking over the screen. After a pause, his eyes narrowed and his lips clenched into a deep frown. I watched him curiously as his expression contorted from a frown to a downright angry glower that darkened his whole demeanor.

  “What?” I tried to peek over him again but he snapped the cover shut quickly, thrusting it at me.

  “Nothing,” he replied flatly.

  I peered at him over the rim of my glasses. “Come on…what is it?” He didn’t answer, just sighed heavily. Sensing a definite change in mood, I moved closer to him, trying to climb over his bottom half to force him to look at me, but he shifted the second I came close to him. Balking severely, I moved away. “Well. All right then. I’ll just… go to bed.” Feeling frustrated and a little wounded because he’d shied away, I rolled over onto my side, pulled off the glasses and tossed them onto the nightstand and pulled the blankets up to my chin. “Good night then.”

  “Jessie…” Seth said into the dark softly. “I didn’t…”

  Craning to regard him over my shoulder, I dully replied, “I know. Don’t worry about it, I’m sure we’re just tired.”

  “Yeah…”

  I moved to my back, watching him carefully in the dark as he still sat upright, fiddling with his lip piercing. His gaze was faraway and completely stoic and I frowned in the dark. Blake would get like this—quiet and moody—before he started spiraling into a depressive phase. Which it appeared he was doing for a while now, but he was still more or less available. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but I spent years after researching different mental illnesses. He’d already been a little moody because of his father’s unannounced visit, but what could be bothering him now? Surely it couldn’t be that he was still upset about me being hurt by the flirting? That didn’t warrant this type of closed-off reaction. But maybe to him it did.

  One thing I surely remembered about Blake, and from all I read? Their reactions didn’t always make sense. And overall I’d only seen the happier version of Seth, but I’d yet to see the true moodier version that I knew had probably been inside of him.

  In the time we’d been together—even though it wasn’t long at all but it had been intense—Seth had never once shied away from me. Often times with Blake… this was how his began. Once he closed off, there wasn’t anything I could do but watch and pay attention.

  Seth’s face was twisted into an expression of torment. His generally warm, honeyed eyes were slitted and darkened, and his jaw and everything else was clenched or tight.

  “Seth… really, are you okay?” I asked him in a hushed voice, gingerly reaching out to stroke my fingers over the edge of his shoulder.

  He jumped at the touch almost violently. Quickly I pulled away.

  “Shit. I’m sorry Jess… I didn’t mean it, really. I’m just…” he trailed off, only looking to me briefly. He sat in a contemplative silence briefly before tossing off the covers and sliding out of bed to his feet, not even thinking twice about being naked as he crossed the room. “I’m gonna… take a shower I think or something.”

  I almost asked if he wanted company, but I had an inkling that Seth needed some space. For whatever reason. I wouldn’t have gotten the chance either anyway because he was closing the door behind him before I could even sit up.

  Tapping my chin curiously, watching the closed door he disappeared behind, I tried to replay some of the events of the night. The performance was successful, everyone at the booth said the new songs were sounding fantastic, and—

  “—wait.” I reached for the laptop Seth had sort of tossed aside. Feeling a bit guilty I opened the screen and where he’d left off immediately lit up. A sickened, bile feeling churned in my stomach.

  Sabrina had put up the clips of the new songs they’d recorded—the songs they were using my poetry for. I’d only wanted to help, but it appeared I might have made things worse.

  Under a clip for my poem and song called “The Longest Night” were a handful of comments that definitely would have made Seth feel a bit… shitty.

  Poster 1: This is really great. Can’t wait to hear the finished product.

  Poster 2: I think so too, I think some of the lyrics were a little uninspired their last album. Not bad but these just feel so much better.

  Poster 1: I agree, I hear they got in someone new. I don’t know who but I think the lead singer just is seeming a bit overwhelmed.

  Poster 3: I heard he has a new woman; that’ll make anyone depressed

  Poster 2: LOL! That’s fucked up.

  Poster 4: Dude, I think it’s his new girlfriend that wrote the lyrics.

  Poster 2: Whoever it is I hope they continue. They feel more like their earlier things before Seth entered the group.

  Poster 5: You guys are idiots. Seth was the best thing to ever happen to NA.

  Poster 2: Archer is good but he’s too pretty and it’s hard to take them seriously with all the fangirls at their shows. Their sound used to be a bit edgier.

  I glared daggers at the screen. No wonder Seth was feeling like shit. Now what do I do?

  And it was my fault. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let him work. But seeing the guys get on his case when I knew how upset he was already about going to Summerfest just tugged at my heart strings. Shit.

  Now I probably gave him a complex.

  “Fuck.” I shut down the computer and set it aside on the stand, not wanting to read any more and grabbed my phone. It was still early, but I decided to type in a message to Shane anyway. He’d get it when he woke up.

  I hope this doesn’t wake you but I figure you’ll see this in the morning. There are some comments on the Facegram page that I think made Seth feel really shitty. He’s been in a strange mood for a while. I don’t suppose you can watch it a bit closer? I think I made matters worse by offering my stuff for you guys to use. Like I showed him up.

  I wasn’t expecting a response, being it was barely 5 A.M.

  Shane: Girl I saw them but I was on my phone and lost signal. Sabrina was supposed to get those off of there. He’s melting down isn’t he?

  I think he is.

  Shane: He’s so talented but this is all he’s going to see now. Shit shit shit. I could tell he’s been in a ‘mood’ lately after the stuff with his dickfuck father.

  Yeah…

  Shane: Keep me posted. We’re all worried about him but for now all we can do is tread careful. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

  You got it.

  Shit. I tossed the phone aside and lay back in bed, listening to the sounds of the running water in the shower, and he’d been in there for at least thirty minutes when my eyes grew heavy, finally tired and overwhelmed from the day and the steamy marathon sex session earlier.

  And when I woke up about two hours later after a ragged snooze, the shower had been shut off but Seth was nowhere to be found. I quickly got out of bed and went straight for the bathroom looking for him, relieved the door was unlocked but it was empty; the walls and mirrors long dry of any steam or warmth. He definitely hadn’t come back to bed, so… where was he?

  “Seth?” I asked quietly, creep
ing in my underwear through the bathroom, opening up the adjoined door to the room next door to Seth’s room that he hadn’t slept in for days now, and found him curled up in bed, still completely naked and motionless. My breath escaped me, and heart plummeted into my already volatile stomach. “Seth?” I asked again, a little louder, leaning over the bed. He was face down on the pillow, one hand tucked under him and the other over his head, and he breathed evenly; skin was still warm. I exhaled with relief, I hadn’t realized how scared I’d be to possibly find him…not there.

  Desperately I wanted to climb into bed with him, curl against his warmth and feel him next to me. I wanted to stroke his hair over his pierced ears, scratch my fingers over his stubbled chin and console him somehow, hoping to kiss the pain away of whatever disappointment he felt or the idea in his mind that he was a disappointment. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

  Seth was amazing. Seth was everything. I wanted him to be my everything.

  Somehow I just had to remind him of that, when his mind was able to hear it again. For that… I’d have to be patient.

  Sighing, I knew I probably should have left. But… I couldn’t. He was used to people bailing. So I went back to my room for a couple of blankets strewn about on the sofa and the bed and brought them back to Seth’s. I draped the heavier comforter over him, tucking the side along his back gently and kept the other for myself. Before I crawled in I remembered I was still in my underwear and found one of Seth’s t-shirts and a pair of boxers in an open box and pulled them on. I smiled gently; he must have worn them because they still smelled a bit like him.

  I slid into bed with him, taking care to keep my distance, to give him the space he needed. Maybe he needed space, but I was sure going to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

  Not anymore.

  36

  Seth

  I didn’t recall falling asleep and I certainly didn’t recall falling asleep here.

  After reading those comments on the band’s social media page something in me felt…strange. When I heard them earlier—those two guys at the booth that said the new lyrics seemed better than the others—I was cranky about it for a short time until I saw the wounded look on Jessie’s beautiful face as she looked between them and me, looking all apologetic. Like, I’m sorry, Seth I was just trying to help you or it’s not my fault you choked when the cards were down.