The A to Z of Us

by Hannah Doyle

  His eyebrows raise in amusement as he plays along. ‘Could you remind me of the job specifications, please?’

  ‘Dating me,’ I say, pulling my most stern face. ‘It’s a full-time commitment. I’m very high maintenance. I expect calls at least once every ten minutes during the day, a good morning message the minute you’ve woken up and to be lavished with adoration at every opportunity.’

  Zach mimes making notes as I march on with my pretend checklist.

  ‘Absolutely,’ he squares his shoulders. ‘I’m fully on board. I will always agree with everything you say and will never argue, even if you do decide to become high maintenance.’

  He holds up the store map. On the back he’s scribbled: ‘You’re cute and I like you.’

  I laugh. ‘That is very inappropriate for a job interview.’

  He scribbles a new note and holds it up. ‘You deserve to be happy.’

  ‘So soppy,’ I scoff, rolling my eyes even though my heart is pounding. My date is charming and it’s a joy to feel like we’ve fallen back into the swing of things together. Spinning back to my imaginary computer, I start pretend typing and say, ‘I’d ask you to send me your CV but we all know what that looks like.’

  ‘What’s wrong with being a successful artist?’

  ‘I meant your love CV.’

  ‘Low blow. How about you stop ribbing me and buy me something pretty instead?’

  ‘Uh uh, no way,’ I say, swerving the trolley out of Zach’s reach.

  ‘What do you mean?’ He asks, mock-crestfallen eyes looking at me. Those eyes.

  ‘There is no way you’re putting anything in my trolley.’

  ‘Oh it’s your trolley now, is it?’

  ‘It’s always been my trolley. Ever since you scoffed at the idea of needing one, remember? Or have you conveniently forgotten now you too have discovered a load of stuff you don’t need and yet have to buy?’

  He looks down at the ceramic soap dish in his hand.

  ‘It’s possible that I was wrong,’ he grins.

  ‘Mmm hmm. So what are you going to do now?’

  ‘Use yours! It isn’t even yours, Alice. It’s IKEA’s.’

  ‘I foresaw the need for it, like a bargain basement fortune teller.’

  ‘Then you’ll have foreseen this, too.’ Zach’s up against my body before I know it, his chin resting lightly on my forehead. Instinctively I circle my hands around his waist and he moves his lips close to my ear. ‘I’ve missed this,’ he whispers and my heart continues its gradual defrost. Suddenly Zach’s stepping back, untwining my hands and looking triumphant. I cast around to figure out what he’s up to. He’s put the soap dish in my trolley!

  ‘Hey! You tricked me,’ I grumble. I’m not usually befuddled by sexiness like this. Whatever’s going on, I quite like it.

  ‘Players gonna play,’ he says, face crumpled in amusement.

  I fold my arms, stifling a giggle.

  ‘In that case, I’ll race you to the restaurant. Last one there buys the meatballs,’ I call, blocking him in with the trolley as I run off.

  With Zach and the clunky trolley in hot pursuit, I finally screech to a halt at the canteen, plonking myself down at the nearest table and throwing my hands into the air with a double victory sign. I’m about to shout something triumphant when I realise that I’ve got a stitch. Ouch. Zach pulls up next to me, his thick dark hair looking extra messy from the run.

  Finally catching my breath, I say: ‘I win!’

  ‘You cheated,’ he objects, leaning against the table.

  ‘I merely saw an opportunity.’

  ‘You hemmed me in and left me with a trolley that won’t turn on its wheels.’

  ‘Excuses, excuses. How does it feel to be a loser?’

  ‘I will be getting my own back on our next date, you just wait.’

  ‘Oh really?’

  ‘Really. Well if you’d still be up for another date that is?’ He grins, eyes twinkling and I nod. ‘Why are you sticking your fingers into your side like that?’

  ‘I got a stitch from the run,’ I admit.

  ‘So you thought you’d treat a sharp, stabbing pain under your ribs by poking it?’

  ‘What can I say, the medical profession was my second career option if floristry didn’t work out.’

  Zach laughs, easing my hand away from my side and instructing me to take slow, deep breaths. He kneels down next to me, matching his breathing with mine until the pain starts to ease. It’s the sweetest moment.

  ‘Better?’ He asks after a while.

  ‘Better. That actually worked. Thanks!’

  ‘Glad to be of assistance, ma’am. Now, I believe I’m buying. What do you fancy?’

  I rub my hands together. ‘I can’t decide between a hotdog or a plate of meatballs so I might go for both?’

  Zach stands up straighter. ‘Both?’

  Seems reasonable?

  He checks his watch. ‘It’s not even eleven a.m. so what you’re saying is, you’d like a hotdog and meatballs for brunch.’

  ‘Yes,’ I cheer.

  I can’t tell if Zach is impressed or incredulous as he walks towards the canteen.

  Predictably, Zach opted for a more stylish elevenses of coffee and cake which he wolfed down within minutes.

  ‘Who’s laughing now? You’re all done while I’ve still got a lot of balls to get through,’ I say before pulling up short. Smirk.

  ‘Looks like you’re doing a pretty good job to me,’ he grins, eyebrows raised. ‘I was wondering if you’d let me have a bite of that sausage. You’ve got a lot on your plate, after all.’

  ‘It’s what the Swedish people would want.’

  ‘So can I? Try your hot dog?’

  ‘Fine,’ I smile, holding it out to him. He takes a bite and a little bit of American mustard smudges on his lip so I reach across to brush it off.

  ‘And the winner of today’s All You Can Eat competition is …’ Zach drumrolls his fingers on the table. ‘Alice O’Neill. Congratulations, Alice, how do you feel?’

  He holds an imaginary microphone to my mouth and I giggle.

  ‘Mouth … still … full!’

  ‘I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but it appears our winner is still eating. What an impressive appetite she has! No doubt we’ll be seeing much more from Ms O’Neill through our packed summer schedule of All You Can Eat competitions.’

  Finally finishing my mouthful, I take a bow. ‘Thank you so much.’

  ‘And the crowd went wild!’

  We’re laughing, eyes trained on each other as we play out my apparent victory.

  ‘As Chief Judge, I wouldn’t mind taking you home now,’ he grins.

  ‘Wouldn’t that blur the boundaries between competitor and judge? I’m sure there are rules about that,’ I tease.

  ‘Funnily enough I wrote the rules.’ Zach pushes his glasses up his nose and pretends to read from an imaginary rule book. ‘Here it is. Under Category B, Subsection C, I can see that it is definitely ok,’ he beams, holding out his hand. I take it, both of us still giggling as we make our way to the car park.

  Jogging

  Zach

  Something’s not quite right with my brother, I think, studying his face on my phone screen over a spoonful of cereal and trying to work out why he looks different today. ‘Are you wearing lipstick?’ I ask eventually.

  Raff looks distracted. ‘Hmm? Oh, yes I am. Fran and Sienna have been giving me a makeover this morning. They said something about Daddy needing a glow up? I don’t know what that is.’

  ‘Suits you.’

  Raff laughs. ‘It’s been a while. Is this really my long-lost brother calling?’

  ‘Very funny. Listen, man, I’m sorry I’ve been quiet. Work’s gone crazy but I finally finished a commission this week so I’m treating myself to the weekend off.’

  ‘Want to come and visit?’

  ‘Ah, I’d love that but I’m seeing Alice later.’

  ‘Things back on track then?�
�

  ‘I think so. She brings out the best in me, she makes me laugh and I swear I’m working better now as well. I definitely feel at my happiest when I’m around her but we haven’t seen much of each other recently because Alice has been really busy with wedding season too; this is a hectic time of year for her.’

  ‘Are the alphabet dates still going strong?’

  ‘We went to IKEA for the last one,’ I reply, smiling thinking of how we’d acted like a couple of dorks, pretending to live in the show spaces.

  Raff grimaces. ‘I haven’t been there since the twins were three. It was so busy and the girls decided to entertain themselves by having a farting competition. I don’t think we’d be welcomed back. I take it yours was better?’

  ‘You could say that.’ I say with a big grin, thinking back to how eating £1 meatballs was not half the story, with us spending the rest of the day in bed once we got back to Alice’s house.

  ‘The smile says it all,’ Raff tuts. ‘Lucky bastard. So you haven’t seen her since?’

  ‘Yup. It’s been two weeks now and I can’t wait to see her later. I’ve missed her but I’ve also felt strangely cool about it. I like that we’ve both got our own things going on and that we’re not living in each other’s pockets. With Clara I constantly wanted reassurance from her that she was going to find time for me but I think that’s because I knew we were on rocky ground.’

  Ellie’s head pops onto the screen as she sits down next to Raff. ‘That’s because Clara was a crazy demonic …’

  ‘Person,’ Raff sensors.

  ‘Not quite what I was going for, but yeah,’ Ellie grins.

  I take another mouthful of cereal as my brother and sister-in-law settle in next to each other.

  ‘With Alice I feel like I can get on with my own stuff without worrying.’

  Ellie slaps her hand down on the kitchen table, making us all jump. ‘Well, well, well. Alice may be the first person who has chilled you out!’ She exclaims before pulling a face. ‘Listen, I’ve been worried about this, Zach.’

  ‘Here we go,’ Raff sighs.

  ‘Be quiet,’ she instructs.

  ‘Worried about what?’ I frown.

  ‘That you’ve moved on from unattainable Clara to a fixer-upper.’

  ‘A fixer-upper? Ellie, you’ve been the one championing Alice and I from the start. What’s changed?’

  ‘Don’t you think it’s weird that she’s never had a serious relationship before?’ she says. ‘Like, don’t get me wrong, I am all for people prioritising themselves and their careers but …’ I can hear her drumming her nails on the table. ‘But she’s also told you that she’s a cynic when it comes to romance and doesn’t believe in “the one”. For me that rings alarm bells. I don’t want you to get hurt again.’

  ‘Have you been reading some amateur psych memes on Instagram again, my love?’ Raff teases. He gets barged off his seat.

  ‘Look, I appreciate your concern Ellie. Alice really opened up to me at her allotment a while back and I think I understand why she’s swerved relationships. And she definitely doesn’t need fixing, okay? She’s perfect as she is. I’m just trying to live in the moment for a while, to be more like Alice, because being around her makes me happy.’

  Ellie looks like she approves of that. ‘That’s the main thing. I’d very much like to meet her at some point.’ An image of Alice under a spotlight while Ellie fires probing questions at her fills my mind. ‘So … watcha waiting for?’

  ‘A time when my best friend doesn’t give the girl I’m seeing a massive grilling and scare her off?’

  Ellie rolls her eyes. ‘Please. I’ll be divine. Let’s get it in the diary!’

  ‘All right, I’ll mention it to her and see what she says. Now, Raff, go and enjoy your glow up. Tell Fran and Sienna that Uncle Zach thinks some sparkly eyeshadow would look really good on their dad.’

  ‘I will say no such thing,’ Raff tuts.

  ‘But I might,’ grins Ellie, blowing kisses down the phone.

  By Saturday afternoon Alice is walking towards me in a pair of lilac leggings with a matching crop top, her hair bouncing in its high ponytail as she walks. I lean against a tree, trying to match her effortless cool while similarly feeling like the luckiest man in the country, which isn’t easy.

  ‘I cannot believe I was so keen to see you that I’ve agreed to a jog, Zach,’ she says, wide-eyed.

  ‘Oh really?’ I reply with a raised eyebrow. ‘You were keen to see me?’

  Alice tightens her ponytail.

  ‘I didn’t say that,’ she mumbles, trying to shrug it off.

  ‘You definitely did. Who’d have thought Ms Play It Cool was, and I quote, “keen to see me”.’

  She playfully rolls her eyes.

  ‘Did you miss me?’ I grin.

  ‘Please.’

  ‘Because I missed you.’

  ‘I might have missed you but only the tiniest bit so don’t let that head get too big.’ It’s hard to believe that this awesome woman actually likes my company and I use retying my shoelaces as an excuse to let her sentence sit for a while.

  ‘You ready? It’s the perfect day for a nice long run,’ I eventually say.

  ‘When you say nice and long you mean …’

  ‘Maybe a 10k?’

  Alice’s eyes widen in horror. She motions towards her lilac lycra and bright white trainers, her ankles edged with pink running socks. ‘Let me break this down for you,’ she says as I swallow hard, trying not to get distracted by how good she looks. ‘I am not a runner. This is the only sportswear I own and I put it on to do yoga on YouTube with Natalie. And when I say do, I mean watch. We’ll roll out our yoga mats and sometimes we’ll try a bit of the breathing but mostly we just sit and eat snacks before chanting “ohm” at the end.’

  I laugh. ‘I didn’t realise I was dating a fitness-phobe.’

  ‘I prefer the term fitness-averse,’ she giggles. ‘I’ll do a bit every now and then but to be honest, I’m on my feet all day at the shop as it is. You, on the other hand, are apparently the kind of man who talks about running in terms of distance which is alarming.’

  ‘Not alarming,’ I try to put her at ease. ‘Running’s a massive endorphin boost and a nice way to switch off from stuff, but don’t panic because there could be cake at the end of it. I’m combining a jog with junk food for our J date.’

  ‘Oh now you’re talking,’ grins Alice. ‘You know me so well.’

  Five minutes in and Alice is already asking if we’ve hit 10k so I suggest we reset our goals and go for five instead.

  ‘No way. Nuh uh. I am no quitter. You said ten and I will give you ten,’ she puffs. ‘How long does one of those usually take when you’re running by yourself?’

  ‘Just under an hour,’ I reply as we jog along the river in Millhouses Park.

  ‘Ooh, is that a pedalo?’ Alice asks, distracted by a swan-shaped pedal boat floating across the boating lake. ‘We could do that instead? Look, those guys have got an ice cream on theirs.’

  ‘I’m afraid neither pedalo nor ice cream begin with a J.’

  ‘Hang on, rewind. Did you just say a 10k takes you an hour? OF RUNNING? Are you kidding me Zach?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘Fine, I can totally run for an hour. No probs.’

  As we run along I realise that Alice is not only competitive but also incredibly stubborn. I set a slow pace at first, not wanting her to get too tired too soon and thinking that we might jack it in after half an hour or so, anyway. Alice has other plans. She’s taking great pride in racing past me as we jog through Ecclesall Woods and while running behind Alice in her lilac leggings has its obvious perks, I don’t particularly enjoy being elbowed out of the way when we come to a narrow bit so she can go first.

  ‘You’re kind of a rude runner.’

  ‘I like to win,’ she pants. ‘Surely we’re nearly there now?’

  ‘About half way through,’ I say, listening to her groan. ‘Just think of t
he end game. I’m ordering burgers on Deliveroo.’

  She shoots me a look, her cheeks pink with the effort. ‘Talk dirty to me,’ she says between exhales.

  ‘Beef patty covered in melted cheese.’

  ‘More.’

  ‘Grilled bacon on top.’

  ‘Keep it coming.’

  ‘Brioche bun. Crinkle cut fries. A cool beer on the side.’

  ‘Yes. YES. YEEEEEEEES,’ she calls out and I feel like I’m watching Meg Ryan at the diner in When Harry Met Sally.

  A dog walker overhears and looks flustered as they walk by and I laugh to myself, even more spurred on to catch up now.

  ‘I can do this, Zach!’ And off she goes again, jogging past brambles, jumping over fallen trees and at one point actually turning back to me and clapping, as if she was the seasoned runner and I was the newbie. The more time I spend with Alice, the more I realise that she never fails to surprise me.

  We’re knackered by the time we get back to Alice’s and she emerges from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, a little white towel wrapped around her hair and her skin still glowing from the run. I jump in after her, borrowing her apple shampoo, which I can smell on me now as I pull a fresh T-shirt and jeans out of the bag I’d packed earlier. I didn’t want to assume I’d be invited to stay tonight but going for a run seemed like a cheeky cover to bring some overnight stuff, just in case.

  ‘STITCH,’ Alice calls out as I head downstairs to find her lying on the sofa. ‘I’m taking deep breaths like you taught me but it still hurts.’

  ‘Jesus, what have you two been up to?’ smirks Natalie, joining us from the kitchen.

  ‘Zach just made me run ten entire kilometres and now I’m never moving again.’

  ‘Bit melodramatic,’ Nat laughs.

  ‘Agreed,’ I say, smiling at Alice. ‘Also funny because the way I remember it, you insisted that we carried on even after I’d suggested stopping.’

  ‘Oh yeah, she gets like that,’ says Nat as she potters between us in the living room and their kitchen. ‘One minute you’re suggesting something and the next Alice has to be the champion at it. It’s quite annoying, actually. Remember our school leavers’ ball?’ A snort of laughter comes from the direction of the sofa.