The A to Z of Us

by Hannah Doyle

‘Why not,’ he says with a look of playful resignation. Thrilled, Nat marches us up to the front and Zach wraps his arm around my shoulder, handing me a microphone and quickly throwing himself into Mel B’s A-Z wrap. Instantly I’m reminded of the business card he gave me when we first met. How he’d boldly announced that we should work our way through a whole alphabet worth of dates and how I’d found the idea hilarious. As if we’d get past C! And yet here we are, on date K. The intense, brooding artist I thought might interest me for a couple of dates is now the man I’m seeing exclusively and currently to be found belting out Spice Girl lyrics at the top of his voice. Either the sequins on my dress are reflecting some serious light, or there are actual fireworks dancing above my head.

  ‘We’re calling it a night,’ Natalie winks at me as she and her date grab their stuff. ‘I’m going back to his.’

  ‘Text me his details so I know where you are, okay? And ring me when you get there. And stay safe. Have you got condoms?’

  Natalie titters. ‘All right, Mum! I will be just fine, he’s a guy I know through work so don’t panic. This means you’ll have the house to yourself,’ she adds with a nudge.

  I cast a glance at Zach, currently deep in conversation with Eve and Nicky about which Spice Girl is the best, and feel anticipation ripple through me. Home alone with my date. The last time we went for a big night out he left early but tonight’s he’s the last man standing.

  ‘You’re so lucky to have lived through all of that the first time around,’ Eve is saying, hanging off Zach’s every word. ‘I wasn’t even born when they had their first hit.’

  ‘Oh my god, I hate you a little bit,’ I laugh.

  Zach’s grinning. ‘Apparently the Spice Girls are having a huge renaissance,’ he tells me. ‘As is Friends.’

  ‘Another classic,’ I nod.

  ‘Guys, I could stay and listen to you talk about old people stuff all night but Nicky and I need to get some beauty sleep and I haven’t even made my overnight oats yet.’

  ‘The kids of today! See you at work.’ I laugh, waving as they head off and turning to Zach. ‘Well, well, well. Fancy taking this ancient twenty-nine-year-old home for the night?’

  ‘Yes I do.’

  ‘I’m a tiny bit tipsy.’

  ‘Me too. Don’t take advantage now,’ he smoulders.

  ‘Never! Though I should probably warn you that I found your secret karaoke side very sexy.’

  He laughs. ‘I knew my Take That days would come in handy one day.’

  ‘See! It’s not all that bad, is it? Letting yourself go can be very fun.’ I’m swirling my finger around on his chest now.

  ‘Well, let’s just say that I have no regrets. Can I take you home now?’ He pulls me into a kiss which takes my breath away and as we head outside to grab a taxi, I’m filled with this warm, fuzzy feeling. It’s been amazing to go out and let off some steam tonight, and now it feels just as good to be heading home with Zach. To know that I’ll be waking up next to him tomorrow morning.

  Lunch

  Zach

  Like all good Italian boys, family is a massive part of my life, probably all the more so because the importance of famiglia seemed to skip a generation for my parents. I remember overhearing a conversation Mum had on the phone with Nonna when I was a kid, telling her mother-in-law how she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life putting her kids first like Nonna had with Dad. It still stings to think of it now. If only she’d known that Raff and I never wanted her to put us first, we just wanted her to show us that she cared.

  When Raff met Ellie, I watched my older brother make sense of his life with her by his side and now that they have the girls, we make even more of an effort to see each other regularly. They’ve made this awesome home together, not to mention two great kids, and as much as Raff pretends to grumble about being a downtrodden dad I can tell how proud he is to have such a strong bond with his own children. It’s exactly what we didn’t have growing up. Raff, Ellie, Fran and Sienna. The people here today are my family.

  Tiny barks at the bottom of the ladder I’m up.

  ‘Are you telepathic, Tiny? Don’t worry, you’re part of my family too.’ He sits down by the bottom step and sticks his tongue out.

  ‘Now you ask, I’m a little overwhelmed to introduce Alice to the rest of this bunch.’

  Tiny licks his lips.

  ‘You’re right, it is a big deal. It wasn’t for Alice, you know? She welcomed me into her circle the minute I met her. Now I think about it, she’s shown such a willingness to let me in. I think that sums her up perfectly. Happy to give things a go, to be open and kind. God, I must seem so reserved in comparison?’ Tiny barks up at me and I’m convinced I can see a frown on his face. ‘She was really keen when I suggested meeting you guys.’

  More barking.

  ‘No I hadn’t expected that either. I thought she’d run for the hills.’

  ‘Having a heart to heart with the hound again?’ It’s Raff, coming towards me with a huge bowl of apricots.

  Tiny looks up at me conspiratorially. He knows so many of my secrets.

  ‘I’m not sure we need bunting,’ I say, choosing to ignore Raff’s question. I’ve been stringing triangles of colourful fabric around the garden for the past twenty minutes and there’s still reams of the stuff left.

  ‘Ellie’s going all out,’ Raff shrugs. ‘And you know what she’s like.’

  A force to be reckoned with, which is probably why I’ve put this off for so long … in case she scares Alice away.

  ‘She’s never got the bunting out for any of my ex-girlfriends,’ I point out.

  ‘I think we can all sense that Alice is different.’

  ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘You’re into her, that much is obvious, but you haven’t got tunnel vision like you have had in the past. How do I put this? Alice seems to be bringing out the best in you.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ I scratch my head. ‘Well that’s good news, I think?’

  Raff laughs. ‘Don’t look so worried! The sun’s out and there’s enough food to feed the entire village. Today’s going to be a good day.’

  ‘She’s here!’ Fran and Sienna run into the kitchen from their vantage point in the living room. They’ve been staking out a spot by the window for the past five minutes, desperate to catch the first glimpse of Alice.

  Christ I’m tense.

  ‘Right, um, excellent,’ I say, mindlessly picking up a tea towel and putting it back down again.

  ‘So sweet that you’re nervous,’ Ellie pinches my cheeks and I frown. She’s my best friend and honorary big sister rolled into one but bloody hell, she can be annoying.

  The doorbell rings.

  ‘You should probably get that,’ Ellie grins.

  Why am I faffing about? I make for the front door but it’s too late, Fran and Sienna have already opened it. I can hear them chatting away and quicken my pace.

  ‘You’re called Alice and you’re Uncle Zach’s girlfriend and he’s nervous about you meeting us but there’s no need, Mum says, because we’re actually very sweet and not at all intimidating.’

  Girlfriend? Oh god. I cannot believe they just blurted that out. To me, it feels like Alice is my girlfriend already but we’ve not had The Conversation yet and I’m already worried that she’ll be scared off by my noisy family. Now we’ve got the G word to deal with as well?

  Flustered, I rush to the front door and there she stands, framed in the hallway like a painting waiting to happen. Her summery dress is an explosion of yellows and oranges, her hair in plaits twirled around her head. She’s carrying a bouquet in one hand and a shopping bag in the other, which she sets on the floor as she greets my nieces.

  ‘Alice, hi.’ She turns her gaze to me and I’m fixed to the spot with her wide smile. She doesn’t look too freaked out so that’s good. ‘I see Sienna and Francesca have made their introductions already. Do you want to come through?’

  ‘I’d love to,’ she replies as I kiss her on
the cheek. I pick up her bag and we head into the kitchen, Fran and Sienna chatting non-stop as we go.

  ‘The famous Alice,’ Ellie pulls off her apron and kisses Alice three times on the cheeks.

  ‘That’s the kind of introduction I can get on board with,’ Alice laughs. ‘Ellie? It’s a pleasure to meet you.’

  The two women take a few steps back from one another and I realise I’m holding my breath. Raff’s standing next to me and I get the impression that he’s doing the same.

  ‘Thank you so much for inviting me today,’ Alice says after a pause. ‘I asked Zach if I could bring a dish but he said you’ve got that covered so I bought these instead.’ She hands Ellie the bouquet of bright yellow sunflowers tied together with brown paper.

  ‘These are beautiful,’ Ellie says. ‘Thank you. Now come in, come in! Make yourself at home. We’re having a picnic lunch outside a little later.’

  ‘L for lunch,’ Fran pipes up. ‘Uncle Zach told us about your alphabet dates.’

  ‘Oh did he? Well, he told me that you guys are into colouring at the moment and guess what? So am I! I brought some felt tips and colouring books with me if you fancy …’ Alice is being dragged outside by Fran and Sienna before she has time to finish her sentence.

  ‘Well, she’s definitely a hit with the girls,’ laughs Raff as we watch Alice pulling the gifts out of her bag and placing them on the play table in the garden. The girls have dragged a sun lounger over so Alice can sit down next to them and now they’re fighting over who’s closest to her, so Alice seems to be diplomatically making sure both Sienna and Francesca feel like they’re getting plenty of attention.

  ‘She’s a natural with kids,’ Ellie says, following our gaze.

  It’s true. Raff, Ellie and I stand for just a minute, watching the sweet scene outside before the timer goes and Raff’s put in charge of pulling the lunch together.

  The table is heaving with food. Sliced focaccia sandwiches stuffed with salami and aubergines. A fresh tomato salad dressed with herbs and olive oil. Artichokes and roasted peppers. A taleggio frittata in the middle. Jugs of peach juice making crackling noises as Ellie tips in handfuls of ice.

  ‘This is heaven,’ Alice sighs as Raff hands her a plate laden with food. ‘Did Zach warn you that I’d eat you out of house and home?’

  ‘I bought some Hula Hoops just in case,’ I tease and she chuckles.

  ‘We’re foodies here Alice, you will fit right in,’ my brother smiles and I could convince myself that Alice looks pleased at that.

  She runs her hand along the gold cutlery and colourful plates. ‘This looks so effortlessly stylish.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Ellie says. ‘When Raff and I got married, his Nonna sent us a huge box of mismatched crockery as a wedding gift. It’s been in the family for years.’

  ‘The lemon prints on these plates are too pretty,’ Alice enthuses.

  ‘Apparently there’s a lot more back in Italy ready for Zach when he—’

  Don’t mention the M word! We’ve already got the G word to contend with.

  ‘More frittata over here please!’ Raff cuts across his wife and I’m eternally grateful for his timing. Thank goodness for brothers. I give Ellie what I hope is a shut-your-face look.

  ‘Did you guys marry over there?’ Alice asks.

  ‘We had a legal ceremony here and then a big celebration in Amalfi. My family are Italian too so I think we’d all have been disowned if we didn’t celebrate over there,’ Ellie says.

  ‘How did you meet, then?’

  ‘Through this legend,’ Ellie waves at me. ‘Zach and I met at uni, we were in the same halls in first year. Zach had found the only decent Italian restaurant in Newcastle, made friends with the owners and charmed his way into free food at the end of each service so most of our time at uni was spent eating bowls of pasta late at night.’

  ‘That sounds perfect!’ Alice flicks her eyes between us.

  ‘It would have been if I didn’t have to spend it with this chump,’ Ellie jokes.

  ‘Come on. There’s no way we’d have handed in our dissertations on time if Angelo hadn’t kept us stocked up on limoncello on the night before our deadline,’ I point out.

  ‘I met Ellie on their graduation day,’ Raff pitches in. ‘I’d heard so much about this best friend of his so I knew she’d be brilliant to hang out with, I just hadn’t expected her to set my heart on fire as well.’

  ‘Oh you two! That’s so cute,’ Alice says.

  ‘Adults are gross,’ announces Fran. I ruffle her hair.

  ‘You just wait, kiddo. Besides, as best friend of the bride and brother of the groom I got to go on both the stag and the hen do,’ I grin, reaching for another piece of focaccia.

  ‘You weren’t looking so pleased when my friends suggested you strip and serve us shots,’ Ellie laughs.

  She’s right. That was embarrassing.

  Suddenly Sienna’s setting both her elbows on the table and looking very serious. ‘What are your intentions with Uncle Zach?’ She asks Alice.

  The focaccia drops down onto my plate.

  I look at Alice in panic, wondering how she’ll take being interrogated by my 5-year-old niece over lunch. If anything, I thought Ellie would be the overprotective relative today. She’s going to freak out, isn’t she? Alice places her glass of juice back down and looks around the table. I follow her gaze. Raff and Ellie are silent-laughing, their shoulders heaving. Sienna looks thrilled with herself.

  Alice bursts into laughter and the whole table erupts.

  ‘Did Uncle Zach bribe you to ask that question?’ She asks once everyone has quietened down. Sienna giggles gleefully, hanging on Alice’s words.

  Alice pauses, catching my eye. ‘Can you keep a secret?’ She stage-whispers to my nieces. They bob their heads up and down, thrilled. ‘I do like him quite a lot,’ Alice says.

  Fran and Sienna cheer while I savour those words of hers. ‘The feeling is very mutual,’ I say.

  ‘So,’ Raff says, breaking the spell. ‘No doubt that you’re not just here for a bit of lunch, Alice. I expect you’ll want all the dirt on Zach from when we were younger and Ellie and I are here and ready to share. Shall we start with the teddy bear years?’

  Alice clasps her hands together with glee while a little bit of me dies inside. ‘Yes please. My friend Dylan showed Zach some deeply embarrassing photos of me as a child and I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since. It’s payback time’

  Dylan again, I think. He peppers her conversation so often and I need to stop finding it annoying.

  ‘Photos, you say? I can do one better,’ Raff turns to me with a grin. What’s he up to? ‘I was going through a load of storage boxes in the garage the other day and found Zach’s comics. You probably think I mean comics that you might buy in a shop but in fact I mean comics that he’d drawn and starred in himself.’

  I am going to kill Raff. He’s rushing back into the kitchen with a look of pure joy on his face. He’s not fetching them, is he? I don’t usually blush but I can feel my skin going a deep shade of crimson right now.

  ‘Just a friendly reminder that I’m due to dogsit Tiny again soon, bro,’ I call after him. ‘You wouldn’t want me to cancel at the last minute with a severe case of mortification, would you?’

  Raff’s hearty laugh echoes out from the kitchen. Ellie, Alice, Sienna and Fran are sat around the garden table on tenterhooks and I’m wondering if it’s too early to crack open the vodka, especially when I see the smug look on my bro’s face when he comes back out.

  ‘Alice, may I introduce you to Captain Zach the Brainiac,’ Raff says.

  If the ground could swallow me up right now, that would be great. I haven’t thought about Captain Zach the Brainiac in years and yet here’s Raff, handing a copy over to Alice.

  I clear my throat. ‘I’m just going to go and check the … oven’s off.’

  ‘No!’ Alice protests. She looks up at me from the comic in her hands, a brief frown casting a shadow over
her face. She motions for me to sit down next to her and as I do she whispers: ‘I don’t want you to feel embarrassed. Shall I put this away?’

  I’m so touched by the fact that she’s checking in on me that I’m briefly out of words.

  I sigh good-naturedly. ‘Thanks, but it’s only fair that you should read it. Just … promise you’ll still like me once you’ve taken a look inside the mind of a teenage, angst-ridden boy? In my defence, I was listening to a lot of emo at the time.’

  Alice laughs. ‘I can picture you now, smudging charcoal liner around your eyes with My Chemical Romance playing in the background.’

  ‘Were you spying on me?’ I joke.

  ‘The eyeliner phase! I’d forgotten about that,’ Raff’s roaring with laughter. ‘Really Alice, we’ve so much to share with you.’

  Lunch turned into dinner, peach juice turned into white wine and now Raff and Ellie are persuading Fran and Sienna that it’s bedtime.

  ‘But I don’t want to,’ Sienna groans for the fifteenth time.

  ‘Can Alice come again?’ Fran asks, eyes mournful.

  ‘She is more than welcome any time,’ Ellie grins as she finally shepherds the girls indoors.

  It’s just Alice and I sitting in the garden now, solar-panelled lights draped along walls. I have loved seeing how easily she’s fallen into step with my noisy, nuts family but it’s nice to have some one-to-one time too. I listen as she breathes a contented sigh.

  ‘They’ve really taken to you,’ I tell her.

  ‘The feeling is mutual. Raff and Ellie are raising some strong girls there.’

  I nod. ‘I’m proud of them.’

  ‘You should be. They obviously adore their Uncle Zach.’

  ‘Ah well, being an uncle is great because I get all of the fun and none of the shit.’ I’m interrupted by a bellow coming from an open bedroom window upstairs.

  ‘THAT’S MY TELESCOPE SIENNAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH.’

  ‘Right on cue,’ laughs Alice.

  ‘They can be a handful. Like earlier, when they dropped a certain G word as soon as you arrived?’ I say tentatively, wondering if she picked up on it.

  Alice catches my eye.