by Hannah Doyle
Dylan puts his paddle down and takes one last swig of beer, catching my eye triumphantly.
‘We should probably go,’ he says. ‘See you soon, Pickle. Zach.’
I’m still hot from the game, patches of sweat blooming under my T-shirt and my head swirling with the effects of the beer.
Alice has sat back down at our table, her arms folded across her chest.
‘What was that all about?’ she asks.
In my hot, drunken, angry state I find myself unable to find the words to ease her worries and I already hate myself for it.
‘He’s obviously in love with you,’ I say.
‘What?’ She almost laughs at that and I find myself getting more het up.
‘Please don’t laugh at me. Dylan’s done enough of that already. I’ve spent the whole night feeling like the dork at school being rounded on by the popular kid.’
‘Dylan is not in love with me,’ she says firmly. ‘I’m really sorry that you’ve felt awkward tonight Zach, I never want to make you feel that way. You have been acting weird, though …’
I try to sort through my swirling thoughts.
‘Why did you tell him about Clara?’ I ask eventually.
‘Why wouldn’t I? He’s my best mate and I needed some advice.’
‘I get that, it’s just that now he obviously hates me.’
‘He doesn’t hate you!’
‘He made it his mission to put me on the spot this evening. I invited him out tonight because I wanted to show you that I was making an effort with him and he’s gone out of his way to make me feel like a dick.’
‘I don’t think that’s true.’
‘That’s how I see it. I thought it was pretty rude when he turned up late and you just shrugged it off like it wasn’t a problem.’
‘Oh my god, why are we arguing about Dylan’s poor time keeping?’ Alice shoots her hands up, exasperated. ‘He’s always been like that, Zach. And it’s not really that big of a deal is it?’
‘It’s not just that. He thinks I’m dangerous, Alice. What the hell? He’s clearly made assumptions about me that aren’t fair. Yes, I made mistakes in the past but I would never deliberately, knowingly, hurt anyone. That’s not who I am. But Dylan doesn’t see that. I understand that he’s protective of you, I just wish you’d thought twice before telling him about my past because now he’s got a reason to make you question things.’
‘It’s not my fault that your last relationship was a huge mess, Zach,’ Alice says, and I feel myself recoil. That stung.
‘I’m just saying …’
‘That I shouldn’t talk to my friends about you?’
‘Well, no …’
‘Because they have been by my side for my entire life and I trust them implicitly.’
‘Well then I’m fucked then, aren’t I? Because Dylan has already made his mind up about me.’
‘And what about you? Seems like you’ve made your mind up about him, too. He’s never on time and you don’t like that. He’s confident and it seems to me like he makes you feel insecure. And he’s protective of me and you don’t like that.’ Alice is listing the problems on her fingers and my head is spinning.
This is spiralling out of control, fast.
‘I felt backed into a corner by him and it would have been nice to have your support.’
Alice shakes her head. ‘I don’t know what to say to that. I thought I was supporting you but that’s clearly not the case. You know, I’ve always avoided relationships because I don’t want this kind of drama in my life. I don’t want to be the person arguing with my boyfriend in a public. I don’t want to feel angry and hurt and confused.’
I rub my forehead, hating that tonight has soured so badly and that I’m a bit too pissed to think straight.
‘Can we just call it quits for the night?’ I suggest.
Alice grabs her bag from her seat, her brows still knitted in obvious anger.
‘I think we should call it quits, full stop. Sorry Zach, but I’m done.’
Quiz Night
Alice
I wake up thirsty and blissfully memory-free, but in the few seconds it takes to reach for my glass of water, reminders of what happened last night come flooding back. I definitely wasn’t as pissed as Zach but my brain’s decided to drip feed the flashbacks anyway. Dylan and Zach acting like a pair of teenage idiots. Zach getting incredibly stressed out over what I thought were little things. And then the kicker. Us breaking up.
Last night I pressed eject on the best thing that has happened to me in years.
Too hot and bothered to lie in bed, I kick off the duvet and push my bedroom window open as far as it will go, hoping to let some cool air in but it’s stiflingly hot already. Idly picking my phone up, I try to numb my mind with an Instagram scroll but even social media’s conspiring against me today. The first post I see is from my favourite café, sharing a picture of today’s batch of doughnuts alongside an iced coffee. Zach had suggested we could go there together this morning and I’d teased him for being presumptuous, assuming that he’d get to stay over after our P date. The stark contrast between yesterday, full of excitement for a weekend with my boyfriend, and today, sad, angry and now completely boyfriend bereft, is a painful one.
I need to take my mind off this. There’s only one thing for it.
Twenty minutes later and I’m at the allotment, a satisfying pile of weeds next to me as I work my way through the soil. It’s the kind of thankless task I’ve been putting off for ages but if there was ever a day for weeding, this is it.
‘No handsome helper today?’ ViVi asks, her head popping over the fence as I drop another weed onto the pile.
‘Um …’ The weight of what’s happened threatens to spill over again and I find myself lost for words. I catch ViVi’s eye, her face growing concerned as she watches me, and I realise that mine has crumpled.
‘I’m coming round,’ she says decisively, bustling through the little gate onto my patch. I pull a few more weeds out as ViVi announces she’s making us a brew, before returning from my potting shed with two mugs. She unfolds the deckchairs and motions for me to sit down.
I can feel the sun on my face as I do what I’m told, my fingers exploring the cracks in the mug, my eyes shut tight. I can hear ViVi pottering around and feel comforted by her presence. My mind wanders back to the last time I sat like this in my deckchair, with Zach by my side. He’d listened so patiently as I’d unloaded a whole load of emotional baggage onto him that day.
‘Oh love, you’re crying,’ ViVi says, handing me a hanky.
‘Urgh, sorry,’ I reply, swatting at a tear. ‘I’m not normally a crier. I just split up with my boyfriend.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she says kindly. ‘You know there is nothing wrong with a good cry. Just get it all out!’
So I do. ViVi sits down next to me while my tea goes cold and the tears stream down my face. Eventually, I blow my nose on her hanky and try a smile. ‘You’re right. I do feel better.’
‘Would you like to chat about it?’
‘Hmm, I’m not sure I can face it right now. I think I’d prefer to bury my head in the sand for a bit longer.’
‘There’s nothing gardening can’t fix,’ she beams. ‘However if you do any more weeding you won’t have any soil left. What about a bit of watering instead?’
‘Will you stay?’ I ask.
‘Of course, love! I’m here all morning. Shall we put some music on and have a little sing along? Though Gerry from two plots down still has my radio, he’s meant to be fixing it but between you and me, I suspect he’s made it worse and now he’s playing for time.’
‘That’s a problem I can solve,’ I smile, heading into the potting shed and firing up my stereo. ‘What do you fancy listening to?’
Ten minutes later, ViVi and I are singing along to some sixties classics. Every now and then she chuckles, recounting a story from the decade, and I listen, happy not to be processing anything more than ViVi’s penchant f
or beehives and Twiggy eyeliner right now.
The following morning I find Natalie sitting with her legs crossed under her, a laptop resting on her lap, when I walk downstairs.
‘If it isn’t the lesser spotted Alice,’ she says. ‘I haven’t seen you all weekend.’
I slump down next to her. ‘I spent most of yesterday at the allotment and then when I got back I … um, took a Pot Noodle to bed and called it a night.’
‘A Pot Noodle? Couldn’t you have at least upgraded to those Itsu ones you can get from the supermarket?’ Nat nudges me to let me know that she’s joking and then takes a deep breath. ‘So … wallowing in bed with instant noodles, huh? I take it Friday night’s ping pong date didn’t improve after I left?’
I shrug. ‘I don’t think I’m quite ready to say it out loud just yet.’
‘How about I tell you some good news and then we talk about it?’
‘Deal. What’s the good news?’
‘You know Rustlings Lodge?’
‘The chicest hotel in all of Yorkshire?’
Natalie beams and points her thumbs towards her chest. ‘I’ve been sweet-talking their marketing manager and she’s agreed to put you and I on their roster for wedding suppliers.’
‘What? Seriously?!’
‘Yes! I’ve organised a corporate thing there before and when I went on a recce, it was all set up for a wedding. The space looked amazing but our company could do it So. Much. Better. So I went back and pitched our tushes off and they were sold.’
‘NATALIE! That’s amazing. I know we’d agreed that you’d handle meetings and bring in new business because that’s your area of expertise but honestly, I hadn’t realised it would happen so quickly.’
‘I know! And on that note, I just want to make it super clear that I’ll keep you completely up to speed with all of this going forward. This meeting was all very last minute … They called me yesterday morning and I did knock on your bedroom door, but when there was no reply I figured you and Zach were probably sleeping off a late night.’
‘I must have already gone to the allotment.’
Natalie looks at me with concern. ‘I guess so.’
‘Well, thanks Nat. I’m so proud of you!’
‘I’m so proud of us. We’ll need to get our website sorted asap so that potential clients can find us, and I was thinking that we should organise a shoot to show what we can do. Your flowers, my events planning, etc. We’ll also need business cards printed and to come up with an actual name for our company …’
‘So quite a lot then,’ I laugh, my spirits lifting. ‘I’m so ready for this. Shall we spend today working on it? It’s not like I have any other plans.’ That was meant to sound easy and breezy but I don’t think I nailed it. Nat’s giving me a sympathetic look.
‘Alice, shall we talk about Zach now?’
‘It’s over,’ I say, forcing my finger though a hole I’ve found in the hem of my T-shirt. How did that get there?
She snaps her laptop shut and pulls me in for a hug.
‘I’m fine,’ I insist. ‘I temporarily let a boy come along and side-track me and now I’m back on track thank you very much. You know me. Work. Friends. Those are the things I thrive on, right? I’m fine.’
‘So you’re fine then?’
‘FINE. I opened myself up to a relationship and now my heart hurts. I knew this would happen.’
‘What happened after I left ping pong? Yes Octavia was snooty but I thought everyone was having a good time?’
I fill her in on Zach and Dylan’s drunken jibes over the ping pong table and our stupid, stupid fight which I think started because of time-keeping? How angry Zach was that I’d confided in Dylan, how he suggested Dylan was in love with me, how awful it was to watch them clash. ‘Ultimately, it was a huge drunken mess and I bailed.’
Nat sucks in her breath.
‘Jeez. Have you spoken to Zach since?’
‘Nope.’
‘Do you want to?’
I shuffle on the sofa, kicking my feet out in front of me as I think it through.
‘Dunno,’ I puff. ‘When I woke up yesterday I felt his absence so keenly that it was almost like a physical pain and that hasn’t gone away. The idea that I won’t see him again makes me feel desperately sad, but what’s the alternative? Besides, I’ve told him it’s over so I guess that’s that.’
‘You know what, you don’t need to make your mind up right now. How about we get stuck into some work on the business and you just let it sit for a bit?’
‘That sounds like a very wise idea,’ I say, relieved. Work, I can do.
Working alongside my best friend is just the tonic I need. After the weekend’s debrief we’ve spent our evenings getting our heads together, brainstorming ideas for the brand and working on a website.
I’m sifting through photos on my computer, looking at all the weddings I’ve worked on and pulling out my favourite pictures to use on the new website when Natalie sits down opposite me, pushing a plate of spaghetti bolognese in my direction.
‘What would I do without you?’ I smile, twirling some onto my fork.
‘Possibly be suffering from some kind of nutrient deficiency,’ she suggests. ‘I’ve seen the amount of instant noodle packets in the bin this week, Al. What would your mum say?’
‘She would not be thrilled.’
‘Exactly. It’s all very well throwing yourself into our new venture but you are going to have to face up to things at some point. Have you heard from Zach?’
I shake my head. ‘He hasn’t messaged but I did made it brutally clear that we were over.’
‘But is that what you actually want? Because it seems to me like you’re pretending to be all right when deep down, you care way more about this than you’re letting on. I’ve seen you checking your phone and staring off into space.’
‘I think I’m just really confused,’ I admit. ‘I ought to feel relieved that it’s over but the truth is, I don’t. I liked Zach and I miss him. I feel like I’m grieving for what we had together and if I let myself dwell on it I feel sad and cross and not in very good headspace at all.’
‘So you’re just going to paper over the cracks by working even harder than usual?’
I shrug, dusting some parmesan onto my food.
‘We’ve spent all our spare time planning and working on the new business. I know I need a break so why don’t we go out tonight?’
I shovel hot forkfuls of pasta into my mouth, surprised at how hungry I am.
‘Tonight?’ I say eventually.
‘Yes,’ she says, polishing off some salad.
‘Tonight was meant to be my next date with Zach.’
‘All the more reason to get you out of the house, then,’ Nat replies, clearing our dishes away.
‘I got some Mr Kiplings on the way home earlier …’
‘Oh no you don’t. You’re not binning me off in preference of a couple of cherry bakewells, babes. Come on!’
Dismayed, I cast one last look at my outfit before finding myself being bundled out of the door.
Natalie is clearly trying to torture me. She’s dragged me to the exact pub I’d planned to meet Zach at for what would have been our Q date. The only difference is that I am wearing an extremely baggy old man’s jumper pulled over the same T-shirt with the hole in I’ve been wearing all week, rather than a cute date outfit. I’ve made the hole even bigger now. Oh, and did I mention that my lewk is completed by a pair of leggings?
I take a sip of unspecified white wine and resolve not to let myself feel too despondent about the situation. Just push those emotions down! That’s definitely the best way to deal with things, I think as I grab a quiz sheet.
‘How about Cool Story, Brew?’ I ask. ‘For a team name.’
‘Why don’t you ask him?’ Nat’s nodding behind me and I spin round.
Zach’s here.
His hair’s wet from the rain and he’s walking towards our table. Where I am sat.
Zach
.
My heart starts to beat quicker and my brain fires out questions so quickly that I struggle to keep up with them. Am I happy to see him? Yes. Why am I happy to see him HAVE I NOT LEARNED MY LESSON YET? Shrugs. Why am I dressed like I’ve just got out of bed? That’s not important right now.
‘Hi,’ he says nervously, looking at me through thick, dark lashes. ‘I didn’t know if you’d want to see me or not. I can go, if you’d prefer?’
‘Um.’
Why have I lost the ability to construct sentences? I flit from Zach to Natalie.
‘I may have messaged him,’ she whispers, already scrambling out of her seat. ‘WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TIME! I’ve got to get back for … that programme I’ve been watching. Totally forgot it was on tonight!’ I narrow my eyes. ‘Zach, why don’t you sit here and take my place.’
‘Is that okay, Alice?’ he asks. He looks so anxious and hopeful that my initial shock turns to something else. I think it’s hope.
‘Sure,’ I say.
‘Excellent,’ Natalie is actually clapping now, looking like she’s just masterminded a genius plan. ‘Bye Al, bye Zach.’
Bye Zach. Is that what I want to say to him, too? I’ve never even had a long-term boyfriend to break up with before. The thought of not seeing him, or laughing with him, or jogging through woods with him makes my head heavy. I don’t want that. But what’s the other option?
Zach sits down opposite me, fidgeting with the table salt.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he’s suddenly saying, meeting my gaze. ‘I behaved unbelievably badly on our last date and I know that I’ve messed things up. I’ve missed you …’
‘You haven’t been in touch since.’
Zach’s eyes search the room as he collects his thoughts. ‘I’ve wanted to, so much. But you were so cross that night and I knew you’d need space.’
‘And yet you’re here now,’ I point out.
He looks completely defeated, I realise, and my fingers yearn to reach out and touch his.
But the problem is that this week, while I’ve been throwing myself into work and picking a hole in my T-shirt, I’ve realised something. That the main reason I bolted is because I’m worried I can’t trust Zach.
