Hard Ass in Love

by Sasha Burke

  He takes another deep breath.

  Before he can answer, Hannah pushes the door open and comes in.

  “Dad.” She meets his gaze dead-on. “I want to go up again. I know you’re scared for me, and I’m scared, too. But, I need you to let me try again.” Her voice grows stronger with each word. “And if I fall again, I need you to let me try again after that.”

  My heart is just about bursting at the seams. A few months ago, she’d never have been able to do this. God, she’s come such a long way.

  Logan clenches the edge of his desk until his knuckles turn white. “Honey, I want to say yes, but you don’t know what fear can do to you up there. I do. I’ve had the scariest things in my life happen to me. I’ve lost things I can’t ever get back. If you got injured up there, I’d never recover. I’d never forgive myself.”

  Me, too.

  “Please, daddy. Just let me try.”

  I look over at Logan and see he’s wrestling with himself.

  “There is a way we can reduce the fear factor a little for her,” I say, hoping I’m doing the right thing.

  Hannah looks over at me. “Really? How?”

  I can feel Logan’s disapproval over me butting in again, but despite what he thinks, I’m not here to railroad over his feelings, or his role in his daughter’s life and choices. So, I turn to him and simply give him as much info as I can to help him make this difficult decision.

  “There’ve been studies showing how climbing blindfolded focuses the mind and body on the climber’s sense of touch over the climber’s surroundings.”

  He’s looking at me like I’m nuts, but, I forge on. “Relying only on her sense of touch could help Hannah tune into her body while she’s climbing, and offer her brain a constant security that would not be there if she could see her environment. The blindfold dramatically reduces fear by focusing the climber on the task at hand and blocking everything else out. It proved remarkably successful for people who had a fear of heights, which is why I believe it can work here.”

  I look back at Hannah and put aside all the psychological stuff for a moment. “All that said, sweetie, I want you to understand that you have something I’ve never had in my life. You have someone who loves you so much that no matter how high you climb, how far you go, he is right there with you. Your fears are his fears. So, if he doesn’t want you to do this yet, just...try to look at it from his perspective.”

  My eyes are still on Hannah, but my words are being aimed at Logan as well. “I never had a parent—or anyone—love me the way your dad loves you. Trust me when I say that not having that connection to a person, that tether when you’re up on a mountain by yourself, makes the climb so much lonelier than it has to be. And so much scarier. If I were lucky enough to have a connection like that with any human being, I’d never do anything dangerous or reckless to sever it. Because I can guarantee you that I’d spend the rest of my life wishing I never lost it.”

  Logan stares at me in stunned silence.

  “So just...think about it. Both of you,” I say. “I’ll leave you two alone to discuss this more. It’s a family decision. I’ll be right outside, ready to help whatever you decide.”

  “No. Stay, Nicole.” Logan exhales heavily. “Please. I’m asking you to stay.”

  I think that’s the first time he’s truly asked and not demanded.

  Of course, I stay.

  22

  * * *

  | LOGAN |

  Between that speech Nicole just delivered and hearing my baby girl stand up for herself the way she did, my brain is on overload.

  The way Hannah marched in here and spoke her mind, took charge of her life… Hell, that was something.

  Admittedly, a part of me hates it a little bit.

  Okay, a lot.

  But that doesn’t diminish how amazingly proud I am of her, of how much stronger and more confident she’s become since Nicole started working with her.

  And that’s just everything.

  But having Hannah climb blindfolded? That’s just insane.

  It was bad enough when Nicole had her climb with one arm tied behind her back the other week. Sure, it was with a Velcro release so she could use her second arm if she wanted, but the very idea of it had made me nervous as hell.

  Nicole’s explanation had been sound, of course, having Hannah experience this would cause her psyche to rely on different avenues to accomplish tasks and practice re-routing her decision making and other reactions to help better equip her to cope with things.

  That time, I’d let her do it, even with my reservations.

  But this…I just don’t know that I can be on board with it.

  “You could go up with her,” suggests Nicole softly. “You could shadow her.”

  The thought had crossed my mind. “But that would be like a safety net, right? Your therapy wouldn’t have its full effect?”

  “Yes. You going up there would more be for you than for her.”

  I love that she never pussyfoots around things.

  Turning to Hannah, I gaze into her determined little face. “If you do this, you know there’s never any shame in stopping and coming back down, right? Facing your fear doesn’t have to happen all at once.”

  I’m not sure if I’m still talking to her anymore or myself. And Nicole. “Sometimes, it takes a lot of steps, a lot of retries after your fear gets the best of you. And sometimes, you even need to fall in a big way first. All that can be scary, I know. So, if you need to come back down, we will all be here for you.”

  I exhale a long, heavy breath. “And we’ll all be here the next time you try. And the next.”

  Hannah’s watery smile makes that unbelievably difficult declaration all worth it.

  “I promise, Dad. I’ll be smart. I’ll come down and try again tomorrow if I need to.”

  I shake my head. “That’s not smarts, that’s strength. And baby girl, you are so strong. I believe in you with all my heart. So go on up, squirt. I’ll be down here scared shitless, but supporting you the whole time.”

  She beams and throws her arms around me.

  Before I know it, she’s facing her mountain and stretching out again, with all of my free staff cheering her on. I make a mental note to give the whole lot of them raises.

  Derick slips the blindfold over her eyes.

  And then she’s up on the wall.

  I don’t even realize I’m gripping Nicole’s hand until I register her nails digging into my skin.

  Every new handhold she grabs shaves another few days off my life, and every time she pauses to choose her next move and then makes it, I feel my whole fucking heart overfill just a little bit more with unending pride.

  I don’t think I breathe until she makes it all the way back down without a single misstep.

  “I did it! I did it!” she squeals, ripping off the blindfold and pumping her fist in the air before running to hug me. And then Nicole.

  Derick comes over to give her a big hi-five. “That was one righteous climb, kiddo. I’m going to add this to your video highlight reel. Wanna come see it? We’ve been videotaping you all these weeks. I’ll cue it up to the big TV monitor. And I’ll make you a copy so you can show all your friends how badass you are climbing blindfolded.”

  Hannah squeals and runs over to go watch the footage.

  Nicole finally let’s go of my hand and drops her hands to her knees, her breaths coming in slow and deep, the tension in her frame easing a fraction with each exhale.

  I stare down at her face—at the mix of fear and joy I’m sure mirrors my own.

  “You didn’t answer my question earlier,” I say, breaking the silence. “Do you see Hannah as just one of your clients?”

  She pauses for a moment before answering softly, “No. That’s not how I see her.”

  Well aware that my staff is staring at us, I grab her hand again and lead her back to my office. Before the door is even fully shut, I continue my interrogation with a gruff, “Earlier, you said y
ou love Hannah. Did you mean that?”

  She blinks up at me. “Yes. Yes, I did.”

  Yeah, I believe it. And that’s a good thing. So, what the hell is my issue with it?

  Clearly, she’s wondering that too. “Does that…upset you?”

  I sigh. “Of course not.”

  She remains silent, waiting for me to unjumble the mess of thoughts in my head.

  Not really sure where to begin, I finally ask her, “Do you know that I’ve never once heard you say you love anyone or anything before? Not that one time I overheard you talk to your folks. And not even when you talk about those sushi rolls you practically moan over when you eat them.”

  She looks startled. “Well, the reason I don’t say it with my parents is because they don’t ever say it to me. Truth be told, I can’t actually remember them ever saying those words to me.”

  Seriously? I yank her into my arms. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know.”

  She shrugs it off. “I’m not going to say it’s okay or not. They are who they are. They do love me, I’m sure. Just in their own, silent way. But besides them, you’re right, I’ve never said it about anyone else because I don’t really love anyone else. Terrible as that sounds. I don’t have any other family to speak of, no super close friends who I could honestly say I love.”

  She blushes then. “As for those sushi rolls, of course I love them. Apparently, very vocally. I didn’t realize I sounded like that when I ate them. I’ll make a point not to be quite as…err, graphic about it.”

  “Don’t. It’s hot as hell.” I study her. “What else do you love?”

  “Um… Dessert? I love dobash cakes almost as much as sushi.”

  Not exactly the answer I’m looking for. “Do you love it when I suck on your clit? Tongue fuck that wet, perfect little slit of yours?”

  Thank god we’re alone. Though honestly, the way I’m feeling right now, I could care less who’s listening.

  Her breathing gets thinner. “Yes.”

  “Say it.”

  “I...” She’s fire engine red now, but I don’t let her off the hook. “I love it when you make me come,” she says instead. “All the ways you make me come.”

  Dammit, that big brain of hers is sexy. I narrow my eyes on her, wanting more. “Do you love making me come?”

  This time, her breathing stops altogether for a few beats. “Yes,” she whispers. Then she adds without prompting, “I love making you come.”

  Now for the most important one of all. “Do you love me?”

  Her eyes widen. “I…”

  Her hesitation is gutting me. And it’s possible I’m feeling my fucking heart crack right down the middle.

  “I’m scared to,” she answers finally. “It’s different with Hannah. It’s not scary for me to love her.”

  “But it’s scary to love me?”

  “It’s terrifying.”

  What the…? “Why?”

  “Really? Are you seriously asking me that? You who won’t engage in anything more than a temporary fling with a woman?”

  Well, hell. “Sweetheart, you’re more than a fling. And you damn well know it.”

  “You’ve never said it out loud.” Her voice becomes quietly vulnerable. “Why is that? Is it guilt? Or fear?” she asks softly. “Or is it both?”

  “It’s not what you’re thinking.” It truly isn’t.

  She tilts her head. “What do you think I’m thinking?”

  “You’re thinking that I’m afraid to get into a relationship with a woman because Janine died and that I’m going to feel guilty about loving another woman.”

  “Are you? Do you?”

  “No. I told you, it’s…different.”

  “So, explain it to me. Please.”

  Immediately, I feel my throat clogging up with the words I’ve never actually voiced until now, but I push through. “The day Janine died was both the saddest day of my life because I lost my wife, and also the happiest day of my life because my daughter was born—do you have any idea how something like that can screw with a person’s head?”

  Of course, she does, she’s the head specialist. Still, I try and explain how it was for me. “It came in waves, the bouts of pain followed by happiness, the avalanches of anger followed by guilt. While it kills me to even think it now, shortly after the doctor had told me that Janine didn’t make it, I’d wondered—for one brief, awful moment—if we hadn’t gotten pregnant with Hannah, if Janine would still be with me.”

  The immense, unforgiveable shame over that makes my eyes slam shut. “For that one second, I allowed my grief to overshadow my love for my own child.”

  I open my eyes to gaze down at Nicole’s tear-filled ones. “And I’ve spent my entire life since making up for it. I vowed to myself that day that I would make damn sure that Hannah knows without a doubt in her mind that my love for her is absolute. Second to no one and nothing. From that moment on, Hannah became my entire world.”

  I cup her sweet, beautiful face in my hands. “Then you came along.”

  23

  * * *

  | LOGAN |

  She’s holding her breath so I of course dip down to give her my version of a little mouth-to-mouth. I want to be sure her brain has all the oxygen it needs for this next part.

  “Before you, it was easy to have no-meaning flings,” I say matter-of-factly. “And frankly, it wasn’t really much skin off my dick to keep things like that for the past nine years.”

  I lock my eyes on hers and say with all the certainty I feel, “I noticed you that first day you walked back into our lives, that first day you climbed in here five years ago. There was something different about you; I almost didn’t recognize you as the same girl from college. Then I watched you go up that wall and you took my fucking breath away. You loved it up there…bad as you were at it back then.”

  She gives me an annoyed look and I can’t help but chuckle over how sexy that is too. There isn’t much I don’t find unbelievably cute about this woman.

  “I think a part of me knew from even back then that if I was going to love a woman again, that it’d be you. I didn’t get full confirmation of that until recently though.”

  I shake my head, surprised I’m talking this much about my feelings—the woman really is gifted at this therapy stuff. “The idea of loving you…yeah, it was scary, and yeah, it made me feel guilty. But not because of Janine.”

  She nods in understanding. “Because of the vow you made the day Hannah was born.”

  “I spent her whole life living my whole life this way. I basically didn’t know how to live it any differently. Still don’t in fact.”

  Resting my forehead against hers, I admit softly, “I love you so damn much, Nicole. I love how amazing you are with your students, how incredible you are with my kid. And I fucking love when we’re together.” I press gentle kisses on her cheeks, after brushing away the tears wetting them.

  “Logan, I don’t want you to feel guilty about putting me second to your daughter. I’d never expect anything more than that.”

  I smile. No, of course she wouldn’t. And that’s what makes her perfect. “How about tied for first? That sound okay to you? Sound all psychologically healthy and stuff?”

  More nodding. And more silence. Don’t think I’ve ever heard the woman be this quiet before. It’s a bit disconcerting.

  “Now,” I say. “I’m going to ask you again. Do you love me?”

  “Yes,” she answers quickly. No hesitation this time.

  Best feeling ever.

  “Tell me the truth, now that you know the whole story, are you going to start harping on me doing some kind of therapy or something to hash out all my buried feelings and stuff?” I ask, completely serious.

  “Oh, my goodness, I’m so glad you brought it up first,” she replies, just as seriously. “I can pencil you in for next week after my regulars.”

  I chuckle. Me and my big mouth. “Depends. Are you going to start telling folks—and by that, I mean t
he whole damn world—that you love me?” I demand in question form. “Your parents included? I don’t care if they have hollow tin chests, they’re going to damn well know we love each other.”

  She grins. “Yes, and yes.”

  “Are you going to make sure Hannah knows how much you love her? Because she needs to hear it. Every day. I know your folks didn’t do that, and you’re not used to it, but—”

  “Yes,” she interrupts softly. “And what’s more, I’ll want to hear you both tell me the same.”

  Jesus, why the hell was I such an idiot for the past five years?

  “OMG, Dad, just kiss her already!” hollers Hannah over the speaker intercom system blasting through the entire gym. The one we use only for fire drills.

  I grin my ass off.

  “You did that,” I tell Nicole, with no small amount of pride and gratitude. “My once shy, quiet little girl is now that crazy bullhorn-wielding bundle of badass over there.”

  Nicole chuckles and points over to the big wall TV, currently broadcasting a live feed of my office. We both look up at the far climbing wall and see Derick up there with a video camera, waving.

  “We’re recording through your window,” says Hannah, grinning. “So, make it romantic, you guys.”

  I do my damndest.

  After all the clapping dies down, and the camera is no longer rolling, I gaze down at the incredible woman in my arms and tell her simply, “You’re moving back to our place tonight.”

  “And here I thought we’d made progress on the asking instead of demanding thing,” she comments, not sounding terribly bent out of shape over it. “We need to address these bossy tendencies of yours. There are some great therapeutic strategies that can—”

  I grab her chin and tilt her head back to kiss her again. Not because I don’t want to hear her go all full-shrink on me, but because her talking like this really is becoming some kind of inexplicable turn-on.