Santa Claus Confidential

by Kevin Neary

  What a change from the days when I was a kid! When I was younger, it seemed like our only concern was getting together enough kids to play a game of baseball or football. As for what toys always seemed to dominate my own wish list, Lincoln Logs and LEGOs ranked pretty high.

  I was always fascinated with the toys that could build things. I never asked for clothes (in fact, I hated clothes with a passion, but what kid really likes them?). You certainly don’t want to be in a situation where you waste a wish on clothes. I wanted to reserve those few precious spots on the list for toys.

  Then, once in a while, there were those kids who would come along and melt my heart with their requests. Robert was one such example.

  “Santa,” Robert said, “I know you’re busy and all that stuff, but maybe someday can you come out and watch me play baseball?”

  I wish I could have said yes to Robert, but you have to follow the Golden Rule and you don’t want to make any promises. Although, I do love baseball! Robert did, however, bring up a very valid point in his follow-up line of questioning: What does Santa do in the off-season, especially during the summer months? I know Santa is responsible for his “Good Book” and “Bad Book” (I never used the word “naughty” when I talked to the kids, so “Naughty List” and “Nice List” were not part of the vernacular) and supervises the toymaking process, but be realistic, even Santa requires a vacation now and then.

  Sometimes, it became clear to me that there were more society-wide problems exposed by the answers to Santa’s question. Violence and weapons seem to have always had a place on children’s wish lists, though the traditional game of cops and robbers to which we were exposed while growing up has undergone some changes over the years. Now it’s warriors, ninjas, warlords, attack forces, and even contras. What hasn’t changed is Mom’s opinion on the subject. I think Eric brings this point across rather nicely.

  According to Eric, “Santa, there is something else I would like for Christmas. I would like a Rambo doll, but my mommy doesn’t want any guns in the house.”

  I did get a request from a little boy named Bruce, who asked for a BB gun. Of course, the first thing I thought of when Bruce made the request was the movie A Christmas Story. After looking up at Bruce’s mom, I could tell immediately he wasn’t about to get his request in a million years. I wanted so much to say, “You’ll shoot your eye out!” but I thought that was better left for Mom and Dad to say.

  Something else that hasn’t really changed much over the years is that no matter the age or race of a little girl, dolls are always the most requested item from Santa Claus each year. The one that tops the list every year is, without a doubt, Barbie. Truly, I’ve got to hand it to Barbie. Even after all these years, she is still able to enchant and thrill each and every little girl. You’ve got to admit, Barbie has held up pretty well. Not one wrinkle after all this time.

  It is within the Barbie category that I’ve often gotten the most unusual requests.. Take for example, Ella, who was having a little problem with her Barbie.

  “What can Santa get Ella for Christmas?”

  “Some Barbie clothes,” replied Ella.

  Logically Santa asked, “So does this mean you have a Barbie doll now, Ella?”

  “Yeah, but she doesn’t have any clothes.”

  Sadly, all I could imagine was this naked Barbie running around.

  Then there was Lacey, who happened to be in desperate need of a new Barbie doll when she came to visit Santa one Christmas. The tears in her eyes gave it away.

  “Lacey, why are you crying?” asked a concerned Santa Claus.

  Hysterically Lacey replied, “My Barbie doll.”

  “What about your Barbie doll? What’s the matter with her?” again Santa was curious to get to the bottom of this dilemma.

  Lacey then pointed her finger at her twin sister and said, “Lori ripped her head off!”

  Apparently, Lori was seeking revenge from an earlier incident and decided to use Lacey’s Barbie doll as the instrument of her rage.

  Jasmine had a similar problem with her Barbie and was hoping Santa could help.

  Santa questioned, “What else can Santa get Jasmine for Christmas this year?”

  Jasmine replied simply, “Some Barbie pieces.”

  Somewhat confused by Jasmine’s request, Santa pushed on and said, “Oh, do you mean some Barbie accessories, like a Barbie car or dream house?”

  Looking at Santa this time like he was crazy, Jasmine replied, “No, I need a new leg and an arm for Barbie.”

  Finally to conclude my tribute to Barbie, there was Zoe, who seemed a little confused concerning the subject of anatomy. Zoe couldn’t have been any older than four when she paid a visit to Santa Claus one Saturday afternoon in December.

  Speaking in a gentle voice, doing my best not to startle Zoe, Santa asked, “Can Santa get Zoe anything special for Christmas?”

  “I want a girl Barbie and a boy Barbie,” replied Zoe.

  Over the years, this Santa has also heard his share of unusual wishes, but they fall into the category of simple requests. I know that promising a child that you will bring a certain item for them for Christmas is a definite “no-no” but in Chadwick’s case I thought I could handle the request.

  “What can Santa Claus get Chadwick for Christmas?”

  Chadwick replied, “Air.”

  Santa’s only reply back given the request was, “I think I can handle that!”

  Then there was Russ and his request from Santa, which went something like this:

  “What special thing can Santa bring Russ for Christmas?”

  “A box.”

  I guess it’s true when they say the kid will probably like the box more so than the toy that came in it.

  There was also Daryl, who asked Santa for the following after being questioned. “I want macaroni and cheese!”

  Again, I think I could have handled that one.

  I’m pretty sure I could have handled Agnes’s request as well.

  In response to Santa’s question, “What can Santa get you for Christmas?” Agnes said, “I want rope for Christmas.”

  Naturally, Santa thought Agnes was referring to jump rope, so I questioned her response.

  “No, just rope,” Agnes replied.

  Similarly, there was Logan, who just asked for “string.”

  There was also Eddie, who was probably thinking more about breakfast than his Christmas list when he asked for “an egg and cheese sandwich.”

  Another classic request came from Victoria when she asked for “blue toys.” Victoria never did go into any detail as to which blue toys she meant, but apparently this four-year-old’s favorite color was blue and she didn’t care which toys Santa Claus was going to bring her as long as they fell into this color category.

  And finally, there was Dylan, who after Santa’s question, “What can Santa get you for Christmas?” replied, “A haircut.”

  I felt like saying, “Hey, does this kid know I’m not a barber or hairstylist!” This is when Dylan’s mother stepped into the picture and told Santa that her little boy wanted to look like Mr. T. For all of those folks out there who are not familiar with this individual, here’s a little history: Mr. T was one of the stars of the 1980s television program The A Team who could easily be distinguished by his trademark Mohawk haircut. Well, luckily for Dylan, this was one request I was certainly not going to promise, considering the look on his mother’s face at the slightest hint of a haircut such as that.

  However, not all of the requests were so simple. Then, there was the other extreme.

  For instance, Phil asked for “all the toys in the local shopping mall.” There was also Felicity, who requested “a briefcase full of money.” Tyler asked for his house to burn down. When Santa Claus asked the logical question, “Why?” Tyler responded, “This way I can ask you for a fire truck so I can put the fire out.” And finally there was Luna, who phrased her response to Santa Claus’s question, “What can Santa get you for Christmas?”
as simply, “I want everything.”

  Another unique request came from Elizabeth, whose wish I was not about to fulfill.

  “Elizabeth, is there anything else you would like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

  “Yes Santa. A new baby sister.”

  “Oh, you mean a little baby doll, don’t you?” Well, at least Santa Claus is consistent. I was wrong again!

  “No, I mean a real baby sister.”

  “Elizabeth, you’re going to have to ask your mommy and daddy for that one.” Another excellent example of why Santa doesn’t promise anything.

  A popular request year after year seems to be for appliances. I don’t mean appliances like the Easy Bake Oven, a toy kitchen, vacuum cleaner, lawn mower, or even a snow cone machine, I mean those manufactured by Whirlpool, Hoover, LG, Sony, BLACK+DECKER, and Amana. And speaking of vacuum cleaners, kids always seem to be fascinated with them. Maybe it’s the noise vacuums make or the way they clean up messes. I’m not really sure, but until some company out there makes one that is silent then kids will continue to request them from Santa.

  What I have discovered is that, in most of the cases, the reason appliances are part of the Christmas wish list is because they want to help Mommy or Daddy with some chores around the house.

  A perfect example of a child wanting to help one of their parents with chores was Owen. While speaking to Owen one Saturday morning a few seasons back, Santa asked, “Now Owen, what can Santa get you for Christmas?”

  “A saber saw; Daddy has some paneling to do around the house and I want to help him.”

  Louie asked for a collection of tools but then followed it up with this interesting promise back to Santa.

  Louie said, “Hey Santa, if you leave me all of the tools I want, I promise to clean your clothes every day!”

  I honestly didn’t have a reply to Louie at this point.

  Then there was Rose who said, “I want a vacuum cleaner.”

  Santa’s response back was “One that is made so when you walk with the vacuum cleaner, the top lights up?” I really thought I was being clever; I had just seen one like it and thought maybe Rose meant the same one.

  “No,” replied Rose, “a real one from Dyson.”

  This desire to help out Mommy, Daddy, and other family members also extended to the dinner table. For example, there was Jessica, who decided the Thanksgiving turkey could use a little sprucing up.

  Here is how the story went, according to Jessica’s mother, when she told Santa the tale on Black Friday many seasons ago. It was Thanksgiving Day and Jessica had asked if she could help her mommy and grandmother prepare the special meal. Well, at some point, both mom and the grandmother left the room to greet some other family members who had just arrived. Jessica, who was just about five, decided the family’s turkey looked a little dirty. Jessica did the next best thing and took the turkey over to the sink and decided to give it a bath, utilizing water, some dish soap, and a sponge. By the time the mother and grandmother both got back to the kitchen they noticed the turkey was completely immersed in soap and bubbles, and even a little cleaner.

  While Jessica’s turkey story may have been more unusual, there were some requests that I heard on more than one occasion. As mentioned earlier, dolls, especially those named Barbie, have always been popular with little girls over the years. The best plain old doll request I can recall came from Cassidy, who simply requested, “Santa, I want a doll with a lot of hair.”

  No doll in particular, just one that had a whole heap of hair.

  It was 1985, and I was in my third year of playing Santa Claus when a new plush doll made its entrance in the marketplace. The new doll was known as Teddy Ruxpin. What made this doll so popular with kids was that the bear’s mouth and eyes moved while it read stories that were played on an audio tape which had a cassette built directly into its back. It was a pretty cool toy for its day based on the technology that it utilized.

  What Santa discovered was that, based on the number of requests I received that year and into the next Christmas season, the talking teddy bear was basically universal, and equal numbers of boys and girls wanted Teddy Ruxpin for their Christmas list. As you might have expected, Teddy Ruxpin is now the star of the next few stories.

  To give you a little more history on Teddy, he was this brown two-foot bear that wore a tan vest. Again, you’d place a cassette tape in a compartment in his back and this would activate the bear’s mouth and eyes which would allow him to talk. Teddy would talk and talk and talk.

  Derek offered a perfect example of how important it was to give Teddy Ruxpin a rest every once in a while.

  “I want a new Teddy Ruxpin doll,” Derek asked when prompted.

  “A new one? What happened to your old Teddy Ruxpin?”

  “My daddy ripped the old one’s mouth off.”

  Tammy had a similar problem, but it involved her mother and Teddy Ruxpin. Again, Tammy phrased her request in the same fashion as Derek, and she too wished for a “new” Teddy Ruxpin. Tammy responded, “I want another Teddy Ruxpin doll because my mommy broke it. She said she was tired of hearing it!”

  In Grayson’s case, his parents decided to attack Teddy Ruxpin’s life-support system. Grayson was hoping Santa could help him out with this problem.

  “I want batteries Santa, because my mommy and daddy hid the ones that go into my Teddy Ruxpin doll.”

  Some kids sure are clever! In another such example that illustrates why Santa Claus never makes any promises, a little girl named Morgan must have practiced her response over and over again, “Santa, I’m going to give you one more chance this year. This time last year, I sat here and asked for some ballerina slippers and you didn’t get ‘em for me! This year I want them again.”

  I didn’t have the pleasure of seeing Morgan for a third year.

  Maybe, it was two strikes and you’re out for Morgan. She just wasn’t about to give this Santa another chance.

  Now, I haven’t yet addressed the topic of live animals. The answer is yes, kids do request them, but don’t think of the traditional domestic animals if you ever plan to play Santa; think exotic and global.

  Little Heather, for example, requested from Santa, “two hermit crabs.” And Tracey wanted a goanna! I had to look that one up when I got home. I did find out it was a lizard primarily found in Australia. There was also Don who asked for a “boa,” and if I couldn’t get one of those then a “lizard will do.” For little Bubba, a dog and a cat were not enough.

  “Go ahead Bubba, tell ’em what you want for Christmas.”

  “A real elephant.”

  [Note from Santa: Bubba is just one of many nicknames I came across during my time as Santa. Other nicknames included Boogie, Eggy, Egghead, Skeeter, Limpy, Tubby, Pooh, Rocky, Roo, and my personal favorite, Boo-Boo.]

  But back for a moment to the subject of pets, I can’t forget about Garrett. From what I could surmise, the family’s pet cat had just died so in Fluffy’s remembrance, Garrett requested the following from Santa.

  “Santa, can you help me get my cat Fluffy stuffed for Christmas?”

  Apparently, the parents had just gone through a divorce and Garrett thought this would be an easier way for them both to enjoy Fluffy. Garrett also thought this was the perfect way to transport Fluffy from house to house.

  Kathryn was another child who asked Santa for a new pet; this one was a feather friend for Christmas, namely a parakeet. Somewhat concerned and assuming the worst, Santa asked, “What happened to your old parakeet?”

  “He got out of his cage and Daddy accidentally sat on him!”

  Oh no, I thought … splat, poor Polly.

  Don’t get me wrong, on occasion you do get your share of requests for dogs and cats for Christmas. Little Pam provided Santa with just such a request. This is how the conversation between Santa and Pam went.

  “Well hello, Pam. You have certainly grown since Santa has seen you last. Was there something special you would like Santa to bring you for Chr
istmas?”

  With a big smile on her face, Pam replied, “A kitty cat.”

  Santa then asked, “Would you like a real kitty cat or a stuffed animal kitty cat?”

  “It doesn’t matter, they’re all the same!”

  I’ll end on one final cat story. Paul asked Santa for a cat. That wasn’t unusual in and of itself, except for the fact that the family already had one and when they moved, I guess in the hectic pace they forgot kitty.

  Over the years, some of the more touching requests you get from children involve items they want Santa to bring for their parents, sisters, brothers, and other family members. Many of these children feel as though these other family members might be left out of the whole Santa process. So as not to disappoint, the child generally does the requesting and wishing for them.

  The requests usually come at the tail end of their own wish lists. The children generally tell you about the wonderful things they would like and once they get their requests out of the way, and locked in, they feel free to do the ordering for the rest of their family.

  “Mary is there anything else you’d like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

  “No Santa, but I would like you to bring a case of Schaefer for my daddy.”

  Brian, on the other hand, was looking out for both his parents when he made the following request, “Santa, if it’s no trouble can you please get my daddy a Jeep Cherokee and my mommy a winter coat?”

  Wow! It seems like good old dad is getting the better of these two gifts. But since Santa’s role is not to offer commentary, I’d learned to keep my opinions to myself.

  Vonnie was actually looking out for the rest of the family when she decided that air freshener was an appropriate gift for her little baby brother. As Vonnie put it, “I think you ought to get Russell an air freshener for Christmas, Santa, because he doesn’t smell that good.”

  Lincoln, on the other hand, was looking out for an older sister when he asked, “Santa, can you help my sister get her driver’s license and help get the band U2 to play at her birthday party?”

  Then there was Anna, who was looking out for her aunt when she asked Santa for “two carrots for my Aunt Danica.”