Santa Claus Confidential

by Kevin Neary

Phil, on the other hand, must have had some aspiration of being a letter carrier when he asked Santa, “How long does it take for a letter to get to you at the North Pole?”

  As for the mysterious place known as the North Pole, the best question came from Hannah. Hannah went through the traditional Santa visit, she introduced herself to Santa’s Helpers, she sat on Santa’s lap, instructed him as to what he could bring her for Christmas, and agreed to leave milk and cookies. But just before her visit to Santa Claus was over she asked, “What does your house at the North Pole look like and how long does it take you to get home every night?”

  Santa’s reply first had to describe what a beautiful place Santa and Mrs. Claus live in and second, stress what a distance it actually is to the North Pole. If I didn’t phrase the response correctly, then Hannah would have wanted to go with Santa and see for herself. Therefore, Santa replied, “Hannah, the North Pole is a very beautiful and wonderful place for Santa, Mrs. Claus, the Elves, and the reindeer. It is, however, quite far and extremely cold. But don’t worry, over the years we’ve all gotten used to it there. As for your question, how long does it take me to get home, remember that Santa is able to freeze time and travel time is nothing at all.”

  Many children have questions about Santa’s Elves. I guess they want to make sure Santa Claus is treating them correctly.

  For example, the best question I remember about Santa’s Elves came from Amelia. Amelia was concerned about the well-being of the Elves and wanted to be sure that Santa was providing a decent standard of living. So Amelia asked the question, “How much do you pay your Elves?”

  Another clever question about Santa’s Elves came from Christy. Knowing that Christmas would soon be here, Christy asked, “What does Santa get the Elves for Christmas?”

  Yes, the Elves, those unsung heroes of Santa Claus. They do all the work, they design, create, and build all those wonderful toys, and the big guy, the toy god, Santa Claus, gets all the credit. Another one of those unsung heroes is Santa’s wife, Mrs. Claus. Not much is known about Mrs. Claus. Perhaps the only thing is that Mrs. Claus is faithful, kind, and very understanding, and because of her obscurity many children seem very interested in knowing more.

  A little girl named Rebecca came to visit Santa Claus one December afternoon and wanted to know a little bit about my faithful wife. Rebecca’s question to Santa went like this: “When is Mrs. Claus’s birthday? Because I would like to send her a card.”

  Another creative question came from Austin, who wanted to know what Mrs. Claus’s name was prior to marrying Santa Claus.

  Along the lines of Austin’s question came an interesting question from Maritza. Maritza was a little girl no older than four who asked Santa one year, “How long have you and Mrs. Claus been married?”

  Playing the role of the now forgettable husband, all I remember saying was “Santa and Mrs. Claus love each other so much we never count the years.”

  Some of the other questions, concerns, and comments about Mrs. Claus that have been asked over the years include “If you ever get sick Santa, does Mrs. Claus deliver the gifts?” Shannon wanted to know, “Does Mrs. Claus ever leave the North Pole?” and Greg asked “Do you and Mrs. Claus have any children?”

  Over the years, the children have also asked their share of personal questions concerning Santa Claus. For example, Stella wanted to know, “How long did it take to grow that beard?”

  Anne Marie asked the familiar question, “How old are you, Santa?” Naturally, my response has been, “Santa Claus is ageless.”

  Summer, being the up and coming “influencer” that she was, asked a few years back, “Santa, can I find you on Facebook or Twitter?”

  Quite possibly the thing that fascinates a child the most about Santa is his ability to know when they’ve been “good” and when they’ve been “bad.” They are true believers when it becomes part of the legend that Santa possesses this ability to know their secrets and therefore keeps a record to track each little child’s progress.

  Tom, a little boy of five, came to visit Santa a few seasons back and was very curious about his own standing in Santa’s “book.” Tom said, “I know that you know when we’ve been bad or good. I’ve been trying real hard this year to be good . . . so I’m just wondering which book I am in.”

  I remember a troubled little girl named Clarissa who came to visit Santa Claus a few seasons back. Obviously, Clarissa had been bad or had been up to some mischief because the first thing that she said to me when she arrived on Santa’s lap was, “Is it true Santa that you are really watching us?” Apparently, Clarissa had just been told this prior to her visit by her parents about Santa’s “all-knowing” ability.

  Perhaps the strangest question that has been asked to this Santa came from Dwayne. He simply wanted to know, “What if Santa dies?” How devastating! Then I asked myself if Dwayne knew something I didn’t know or was planning something here?

  Little Dave came to see Santa just a few seasons ago and had a question in reference to Santa’s ability to know what each boy and girl are doing. Dave knows that Santa has a “Good Book” and a “Bad Book,” but his question involved this “all-knowing” and “all-seeing” ability that Santa has. Dave wanted to know if Santa had a Magic Mirror that allowed him to see exactly which boys and girls have been bad or good.

  Then there was Gerry. Now, Gerry was a little boy who came to see Santa Claus during my first season and he certainly showed all the signs of a budding philosopher or lawyer. Gerry was never really concerned to know his standing in Santa’s book but rather what requirements were necessary to be in each book. Meaning, what exactly made up Santa’s standards?

  In Gerry’s words: “Santa, how bad is bad? What do you consider bad and who gets the coal?”

  This chapter would not be complete, though, if I didn’t answer the most frequently asked of all questions. The question is one that is actually asked when I am out of the Santa Claus uniform.

  Allow me to explain. It never fails that as soon as I mention to an individual that I play Santa Claus, I am asked, “Has any child ever had an accident on you?” People seem to be fascinated with this question. [Note from Santa: Actually, you’re lucky, I cleaned up the phrasing of this question, and most people are a lot more graphic when they ask.] Well, the long-awaited answer is, no–at least not to my knowledge.

  Rest assured, the same thought crossed my mind when I started the role. The reason why I expressed concern is because prior to my first day on the job the people in Special Events, they’re the division in our store that is responsible for Santa Claus, presented me with an eight-page paper titled “A Successful Santa.” The paper was created and completed to help individuals who were interested in playing the part of Santa.

  The eight-page paper also made up the entire extent of my training session. One section encouraged the Santa to be “understanding and patient.” It was the next line that worried me, the one that read, “Remember, the little ones are keyed-up and excited in the presence of Santa and on occasion do strange things.”

  It was the phrase “do strange things” that had me concerned. Fortunately, as mentioned, I’m batting a thousand, no accidents.

  Though when it comes to spitting up, that’s another thing.

  For example, there was Stewart, a little guy no older than nine months, and his parents were determined to have a picture of him smiling on Santa’s lap. The problem is you can’t really make a small child like Stewart smile if he doesn’t want to. They just kind of sit there like a sack of potatoes. You can bounce them on your knee and hope they let out a smile. However, this is no guarantee that they will. After all, if the child doesn’t want to smile, nothing you can do will change the expression.

  Stewart was just such an example of one who wasn’t about to laugh or smile. The heat from the lights certainly didn’t help and after five minutes, the constant bouncing was beginning to take its toll on Stewart and out came that morning’s formula. Well, thank goodness for f
ast hands and some quick footwork by Santa’s elf, for Stewart was swept off Santa’s lap. I stood there with arms extended, holding Stewart out to his mother. Her response was, “Oh, that’s okay.”

  Santa’s reply, “No, that’s not okay, and I think Stewart feels the same way too.”

  I guess you could say that for the remainder of the Santa season, I was a little gun-shy when it came to little babies. Wow, it’s amazing how Similac smells even worse the second time around. And they can put a man on the moon, but they can’t make baby formula smell any better!

  Another question I often get asked is, “Have you ever dropped a child?”

  Sadly, I must admit, I have, but not to worry, all was good in the world. Allow me to explain. It was perhaps in my second year of playing Santa and little Laura came to visit with her mom and dad. It was chilly day in Philadelphia and little Laura was dressed from head to toe in a ski suit. Santa’s Helper lifted little Laura and preceded to place her on Santa’s lap. Unfortunately, based on the texture of Laura’s ski suit, the material made for one slippery ride. Once Santa’s Helper placed Laura on Santa’s lap she went sliding, right down Santa’s knee and into his red bag of toys.

  Mortified by what had just happened, Santa looked at Laura to see if she was hurt by the incident, but the little one treated the whole experience as an “E-ticket ride” and heralded the entire event as the funniest episode of her young life. Needless to say, Santa Claus finished the visit with Laura and her wish list while she stood safely next to him.

  A lot of takeaways can come from these Q&As. One of the patterns that I’ve noticed during many of these exchanges is that kids have an unbelievable ability to take compliments. As adults, we are often embarrassed by any kind remark said to us by others, but kids just take comments in stride.

  For example, when Santa goes to compliment a little girl on how pretty she looks that day or what a lovely name she has, I get this response ninety-nine percent of the time: “I know!”

  One little girl named Courtney figured she’d get a jump on Santa’s bag of compliments. I would say Courtney was no older than five when she came to visit Santa Claus. Courtney turned to Santa and before I could even get a word out she said, “Do I look pretty to you?” Santa’s response was naturally, “You certainly do … and what a lovely name Courtney happens to be!”

  “I know!”

  And this, my friends, is why I took on the job for as long as I did. As they say, laughter keeps us young (even Santa)!

  I Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up

  Largely, the children who have come and visited Santa Claus over the years have been pure joy. For many families, the traditional visit to see Santa is and always will be remembered as one of the more important ingredients in the life of their children. It provides the ideal setting and backdrop for every Christmas season.

  However, every once in a while you get your share of children who don’t feel the same sense of joy when it comes to visiting Santa Claus. They remain a perfect example as to why Santa does have a “Good” and a “Bad” list.

  For example, I remember these two little characters like it was yesterday. They were a set of twin boys, Timmy and Jimmy, who came to see Santa many years ago. The one brother, named Timmy, seemed to be the spokesperson for the two when they both sat on Santa’s lap. Timmy believed it was important for him to let Santa know about some troubling news concerning Jimmy.

  Timmy turned to Santa and said, “Do you know what my brother said about you while we were in line?”

  Naturally, I was expecting those tender words of affection, so Santa said, “And what would that be?”

  According to Timmy, “He said that he wanted to rip your face off!”

  What a little darling, I thought. I wonder if he can turn his head completely around and spit out green pea soup?

  I don’t understand why some children have this built-up aggression towards Santa Claus. Hey, I’m a good guy. I’m the guy with all the toys. I never did anything personally to them. But, just to be safe, I did look over my shoulder a few more times that day.

  Melissa also wanted no part of Santa Claus when she came to visit. Her parents brought her and her brother Mark down to see Santa Claus one afternoon. Mark was the picture-­perfect Santa visitor. Mark got right up and sat on Santa’s lap, smiled from ear to ear, and then proceeded to tell me all about the wonderful toys he wanted for Christmas.

  Melissa, on the other hand, ran off screaming at the first sight of Santa. Yet I was determined to get to the bottom of the problem, so I turned to Mark and asked, “You’re not afraid of Santa, are you, Mark, like your sister, Melissa?”

  Mark responded, “No, Santa, and Melissa’s not afraid of you.”

  Thinking at first that fear was the obvious reason for her departure, I then asked, “Do you know why Melissa didn’t want to see Santa today?’

  Still smiling from ear to ear Mark simply replied, “Because she said that she hates you.”

  That same year, I had another little angel who also paid her respects to Santa Claus. Blake, who was no older than nine, certainly did not disguise the fact that a visit to see Santa Claus was the furthest thing from her mind. Blake had no problem sitting on Santa’s lap, but based on her mannerisms she clearly preferred to be somewhere else.

  To continue with the Santa legend, I gave Blake the benefit of the doubt. Santa gave her one of his traditional greetings and then I asked the standard questions.

  “Now, Blake, how are you today? Haven’t you grown so much since Santa Claus has seen you last? Well, what can Santa get you for Christmas?”

  With each question Santa asked, Blake would not reply. The only thing Blake did was just sit there and shake her head, with this awful expression on her face. Not to fear, I continued with the now one-sided conversation. Finally after some delay, Blake replied, “I hate this! I hate this whole thing! I feel like a real idiot up here!”

  Well bless her heart, I thought to myself. I knew that I didn’t want her to ruin the Santa experience for any other child that may have been listening to the conversation. So I turned my next question around and asked Blake, “Don’t you believe in Santa Claus?”

  Blake responded immediately, “No! I don’t, and I hate being up here!”

  Then, I asked the question that usually calls their bluff, “Can you be absolutely sure I’m not the real Santa Claus?” It’s the statement that gets them every time. It worked in Blake’s case because after a brief pause she must have reconsidered all of her options and she said to Santa in a sweet little voice, “I would like a Cinderella doll and an Easy Bake Oven.”

  Then there was another set of twins, this one a boy and a girl. The boy, Jackson, could have demonstrated some compassion when it came to his sister Leah’s wish list. Needless to say, little Leah was very eager to visit with Santa and tell him all about the toys she wanted for Christmas, in addition to this very special request. It was this special gift that her brother was finding difficult to accept with the same sense of enthusiasm.

  With both kids on Santa’s lap, I started my conversation first with Jackson. I then turned my attention to Leah and asked her the same question, “Is there something special you would like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

  The word “special” must have been the key word because Leah immediately became excited at the notion she could now tell Santa all about her special request.

  Leah enthusiastically said, “Yes, Santa, there is something! I would like a kitty cat!”

  Before Santa had a chance to utter a reply, Jackson, her twin brother, spoke up and said, “We already have a cat and it drives us all nuts!” Jackson continued with this further warning to Santa, “So you better not get her one!”

  Then there was this mother one day who decided to let Santa Claus in on a little secret. Apparently, she was able to get her oldest son, Wyatt, to do some of the dirty work for her when it came to correcting the behavior of her youngest son, Jayden. The mother was hoping to use Santa
Claus as well, along with his Christmas list, as the means of altering this bad behavior.

  Wyatt would inform his younger brother, Jayden, that if he continued to be bad, Santa would not bring him all of the toys he wanted for Christmas. As time went by, the younger boy was not changing his devilish ways. With each bad action, his older brother was eliminating toy after toy and instructing his younger brother that this was Santa’s policy.

  By the time the Christmas season rolled around, the boy must have realized that Santa Claus had pretty much eliminated nearly all of his requests. So Jayden basically didn’t care anymore when he came to visit Santa.

  Sadly, Santa Claus was not informed by the mother concerning this plot until after the visit. Otherwise, this information would have helped before I went through my normal dissertation with the two children. Santa, naturally, asked the little boy what he would like for Christmas. Stress must have gotten the best of Jayden and he replied, “What do you care, you big piece of poop?! Haven’t you taken away enough already?!”

  Then there was the story of Hudson, a little boy who came to visit Santa one day with his father. Fortunately, the father informed Santa Claus, prior to the boy sitting on my lap, of a plan by his wife and Hudson’s mother to correct his behavior.

  Apparently, the mother kept telling Hudson, “If you aren’t going to be good then I will have to call Santa Claus and tell him not to bring you any toys for Christmas!”

  When Hudson did get his chance to sit on Santa’s lap the first thing he said was, “Santa, ignore those phone calls from my mother. I’m better now.”

  Family portraits over the years have always been popular, with a few exceptions. One such portrait I seem to remember the best involved a mother, father, a seven-year-old boy, and his teenage sister. Normally, when it came to family portraits, Santa’s Helpers positioned the parents behind Santa’s chair with the children scattered about in front or on the lap.

  Thinking this was just another family portrait, one this Santa had performed thousands of times, the parents stood behind my chair and then the Helpers positioned the younger boy on Santa’s lap and then the teenage girl was just about to sit on my other leg when the brother spoke up.