Yours and Yours Alone

by Marilyn Lee

  He typed the following message for the accompanying card:

  Thanks for loving and always being there for me. I love you, Mom. Raven.

  Then knowing he had to talk to someone, he called Shane. “Hey, Chief. I apologize for calling in the middle of the night, but I need to talk.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “How is Cher and Mikey and Johnny?” He asked of Shane’s wife and his twin sons.

  “They’re fine, but I have a feeling you’re not. Must be some serious shit for you to call me instead of Bray or Neka.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to burden you, Chief—”

  “Talking to you is never a burden. I’m listening and won’t offer any judgement afterwards.”

  “Bray and Neka would probably read me the riot act. I’d deserve it, but what I need right now is to talk to one of you without the judgement I know I deserve.”

  “Give me a moment to go into the living room.” Several minutes later, he spoke again. “Brother on the line, Ray. I’m listening.”

  “I just slept with a married woman and now I’m sitting in my car about to take her a morning after pill I wish she wouldn’t take.”

  “Wow. I can hear you’ve had better days, but ...I can’t say it’s totally unexpected news. How is she handling it?”

  “When you say she you mean...?”

  “Kania.”

  “I didn’t say I’d slept with Kania.”

  “You didn’t have to. I know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t knowingly sleep with a married woman unless you were in love with her. And I know you’re in love with Kania.”

  “I never said I wasn’t.”

  “You didn’t need to.”

  He sighed. “And who else knows?”

  “That you’re in love with her? Neka knows.”

  “Bray?”

  “I don’t see how he could miss it, but Neka and I have never discussed it with him.”

  “But you’ve discussed it between yourselves?”

  “It hurt to see you so in love with her and her so determined to stay with that ass wipe she calls a husband. And we tried to provide you cover whenever we could.”

  “By flirting with her too?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not surprised I broke one of dad’s cardinal rules?”

  “We had the best father ever, but he was lucky in love. He didn’t have to suffer the torment you’ve endured. I’m not so sure he wouldn’t understand.”

  “Do you?”

  “I’m very fond of Cher, but as you know I’m not in love with her. I’ve never been in love. However, I’ve seen love up close with Neka, Bray, and you. Clearly, it’s a powerful emotion.”

  “It’s all consuming. I didn’t come here intending for this to happen. Hell, when I arrived, I thought she was in Japan. But she was here. He’d walked out on her. She was lonely and vulnerable and like a dick, when I got the chance, I just couldn’t stop myself from taking advantage of her.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “No. She’s not. She’s guilt-ridden.”

  “As are you.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You are or we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Is she going to divorce him?”

  “She insists she’s in love with him.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Repeat the offense as often as she’ll let me.”

  “Oh.”

  He inhaled slowly. “I can imagine that it’s disappointing for you to hear how low I’m prepared to sink.”

  “It’s not my place to judge you. Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?”

  “I don’t want to burden you with keeping secrets from the others, but please let me tell them in my own time.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of breaking your confidence, Ray.”

  “I didn’t mean to imply...fuck, I shouldn’t have called.”

  “Of course you should!” Shane sounded angry. “You and the others have always been there for me. You insult me by implying I’d find it a burden to return the favor.”

  “I’m sorry, Chief. I’m just so damned screwed up.”

  “I’ll fly out to offer in-person moral support.”

  “No. Don’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Your presence would only add to her guilt. And honestly, I’m a selfish bastard because I think having you here would decrease my chances with her.”

  “Then I’ll keep my ass home, but you have to understand that you can and should call me if you need to talk. I don’t care what time it is. I’m here for you as you’ve always been there for me. No judgement, Ray. Just brotherly love and support.”

  He blew out a breath. “I feel better.”

  “Glad to hear it.”

  “Thanks, Chief.”

  “Love you bro.”

  “And I you. I’ll let you get back to bed. Kiss the twins for me and give Cher my love.”

  “I will and I’ll be ready to listen anytime you need to talk.”

  He ended the call and sat back in his seat, taking slow deep breaths. He knew he’d need to talk to Neka and particularly Bray soon. However, he doubted they’d be as reluctant to criticize his behavior as Shane had been.

  KANIA WOKE TO FIND Raven seated on the side of the bed, stroking her cheek.

  She knew she’d have to face the consequences of sleeping with him, but she wanted to enjoy the remnants of satisfied lust for as long as possible. She smiled, caught his hand, and pressed it against her lips and then between her legs.

  He arched a brow, smiling. “You want to give me some pussy?”

  She shook her head and rolled onto her back. “If you want some you’ll have to take it.”

  His smile vanished. “I don’t do force.”

  “I was teasing.”

  “That’s not a subject I’m prepared to joke about.” He rose.

  “Raven! Don’t spoil the moment.”

  “Your pills are in the bathroom.”

  “Pills?”

  “I wasn’t sure which one you wanted so I got two different brands.”

  So much for keeping reality at bay. She sat up, holding the sheet against her breasts.

  “You know when you do that, you arouse me.”

  “With your donkey dong walking probably makes you hard.”

  He narrowed his gaze. “What the fuck. Don’t you talk to me like you think I’m just a big dick.”

  She frowned. “Sorry. I thought you liked dirty talk.”

  “Dirty talk? Yes? Having you treat me like a piece of meat? Not so much.”

  “Well damn. Excuse the hell out of me.”

  “Yeah. Excuse the hell out of you. Do you want me to speak to you as if I think you’re just a wet pussy?”

  “No.”

  “Fine. We’re on the same page. Don’t treat me like a piece of meat and I won’t treat you like an easy lay. Now go do what you need to while I go downstairs and scramble some eggs and make coffee.”

  She touched his arm when he turned away. “I’m sorry, Raven.”

  “This is not and never has been just about sex for me—even if that’s all it’s about for you.”

  Damn he was touchy. “How many times do I need to apologize?”

  “Go take your damn pill.”

  He clearly didn’t want her to, but she had to do what was best for herself. And belatedly, her marriage. Kicking the covers aside, she rose, and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

  RAVEN PACED THE KITCHEN floor on his second cup of coffee when Kania walked in nearly an hour later. “All right? Everything set?”

  She shrugged. “I didn’t take them.”

  “Isn’t the window when they will be most effective closing?”

  She shrugged. “Probably.”

  “Then why didn’t you take them?”

  “I don’t know why not. I just didn’t.”

  He put the coffee cup down and crossed the room to take
her in his embrace. “Does that mean what I think it does?”

  She burrowed close, wrapping her arms around him. “Probably not.”

  That answered annoyed him. “And if there are consequences?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He tipped her chin up and stared down into her eyes. “You don’t know what you’d want to do if there were?”

  “No.”

  “Then please take the pill because I couldn’t bare it if you later told me you aborted my baby.”

  “I don’t want to take it.”

  “Then promise me you won’t get an abortion.”

  She jerked away from him. “My heart almost broke when I miscarried, what the hell makes you think I’d ever consider getting an abortion?”

  “Your insistence that you can’t afford to get pregnant by me.”

  “I can’t, but that doesn’t mean I’d abort the baby.”

  “But you do know that you don’t want to be pregnant by me?”

  “I do and I don’t. I want a baby, but I can’t do to Hank what my mother did to my father. I can’t. I sometimes think that’s why she and her lover lost the baby and could never have another. That it was God’s way of punishing them.”

  “Your father was in love with and living with your mother when she...strayed. Hank walked out on you. There’s a big difference. You can understandably be forgiven for thinking you and he are separated. But if you’re not sure, please take the pill or I’m going to go out of my mind.”

  “You don’t get to determine what I do with my body, Elkhorn.”

  How could she say that to him knowing how he felt about her? Fuck her. He turned and walked from the kitchen. He needed some space before he said something for which she’d find it difficult to forgive him.

  KANIA SIGHED, WAITING for the sound of a slamming door and his tearing out of the driveway. After long minutes past while she picked at the eggs and bacon he’d made, she walked through the house.

  He was on the patio. He’d removed his shirt and was going through a series of martial arts exercises he’d once told her were called katas. He said doing them helped him to focus, mediate, and maintain proper technique. Watching him reminded her that he possessed a black belt in karate. He could have easily disabled and injured Hank. Knowing he’d refrained out of her concern for her, endeared him to her.

  And he was right. She needed to take the pill. She returned to the guest bathroom to retrieve the pills. Then she went into her own bathroom. She opened the bag and sat on the toilet seat and read the instructions. Then, still undecided, she bit the bullet and listened to Hank’s message.

  “You were right and I was wrong. I want to try again. I’ll be home in six weeks for a month and we can get reacquainted and try for another baby.”

  Oh, God what mess. Why hadn’t she waited to talk to him instead of cheating with Raven? She pressed her fingers against her forehead and looked up.

  Raven stood in the doorway.

  She noted the flick of emotion in his dark gaze as he spotted the boxes in the trash can.

  “You used both of them?”

  “No. How long have you been standing there?”

  “Longing enough to hear that he wants to get you pregnant. Are you going to let him?”

  “He’s my husband and we both want a baby.”

  “And what am I?”

  “I don’t know. I know I have feelings for you...strong feelings or I wouldn’t have...”

  “Are you going to take him back?”

  “What else can I do?”

  “Divorce his useless ass and marry me.”

  “I don’t think I can do that.”

  “Then where the fuck does that leave me? I ended my relationship with Tasha and Kia—”

  “I never asked you to do that.”

  “No, but you sure as hell gave me reason to think I needed to do that to get anywhere with you.”

  She shook her head. “You misunderstood—”

  “I didn’t misunderstand shit! You know, what, Kania? Fuck you, you...”

  “Go ahead. Call me a bitch. We both know you want to.”

  “And give you an excuse to kick my ass to the curb? You want me out of your screwed-up life and your bed, then kick me out. Until you do, I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Meaning what?”

  “Meaning I’m going to remain in LA for the next two weeks, I’m flying to Philly for Mother’s Day and then I’m coming back here. And you know how I’m going to spend that time? Every night I’m going lie in his bed, and stare at his picture, while I screw you. Any objections?”

  She was past pretending she didn’t want him as her lover. But she regretted that instead of speaking of love, he now spoke of screwing. “You’re going to need a lot of condoms.”

  He picked up the box of condoms he’d bought and tossed them into the trash can. “I’m going to screw you every damn night. All night long. We’re staying raw and I’m not pulling out. I’m going to flood your damn pussy every chance I get!”

  “And if I object?”

  “Are you objecting?”

  “Raven—”

  “Are you objecting?”

  “No.” She bit her lip. What the hell was wrong with her?

  “Then shut the fuck up.”

  “Don’t talk to me like that.”

  “Stop screwing with my emotions and I won’t. Who the hell do you think you are that you can have your cake and eat it too? You can’t have us both. Make a damned choice.”

  “You do not get to dictate to me.”

  “And you don’t get to fuck over my feelings. He walked the hell out on your ass. What do you still find so appealing about him?”

  “I don’t have to justify why I want to stay with my husband.”

  He urged her off the seat and glared down at her. “Yes you do. Bitch!”

  Hearing him utter what she’d always considered a profane word didn’t anger her as it should have. But it hurt and disappointed her. Even though she had egged him on. “You don’t get to call me bitch.”

  “I just did.”

  When a man called a woman a bitch he didn’t respect or probably even like her. How could she expect him to respect her? “Get out.”

  “Fuck him and fuck you too!” He turned and stormed off.

  She went to sit on the side of the bed. Forcing her thoughts away from the wreck she was making of her marriage and life, she recalled the first time she saw Hank. No longer reeling from the breakup with Braden, she was ready to start dating again when they met.

  She’d been enjoying a girls’ night out at a local jazz club with Rena and several friends when he walked over and smiled down at her. “Hi. I’m Hank.”

  He was everything she liked in a man: tall and handsome with smooth ebony skin. His voice was deep, his eyes dark, and he possessed a sensual smile. During the next six weeks, they dated exclusively. He was kind, considerate of her at all times, and didn’t mind spending time getting to know her father. He sent her flowers, fruit baskets, and balloons regularly. And made her feel special and desired.

  He didn’t push her for sex but was content to allow that part of their relationship to move forward on her terms. And she quickly fell in love with him. When he asked to go away with him for the weekend, she agreed.

  They spent the first night sitting by the fire and talking until dawn. They both wanted children and believed marriage was sacrosanct. The following night they made love several times. Each time, he slipped inside her, he sent chills down her spine and left her gasping with pleasure. And she finally knew she could be happy without Braden.

  The one special night, he took her and her father to dinner. When dessert was served, he got down on one knee, and proposed while her father watched with a smile of approval. She happily accepted. Neither wanted a long engagement so they planned their wedding so that they married within eight months of meeting.

  She’d told him about Braden and he’d discussed the woman he’d dated p
rior to meeting her. She was happy and looking forward to her future with Hank. Things quickly went wrong with their marriage when they returned from their honeymoon in St. Lucia. They packed up their old apartments. Clearing his went smoothly. Hers not so much.

  They were flirting and discussing how they were going to spend the night making love when he suddenly fell silent. When she looked up, she saw that he held an old photo album that contained pictures of her and Braden on various vacations.

  In nearly every picture, Braden either gazed adoringly at her or passionately kissed her. There was even one picture of them lying together in skimpy bathing suits recreating the beach scene From Here to Eternity. It was a picture Neka’s first wife Kelly had taken.

  “I thought you said it was over between you and him before we met.”

  “It was,” she assured him, hurrying across the room to take the album.

  He held it out of her reach. “Then why do you still have all these pictures of him with his hands all over you?”

  They had argued for over an hour before she promised she’d go through the album and only keep pictures that included other people or couples. At the time of making the promise, she’d intended to keep it. Later when she found she couldn’t, she had given the album to her father to hold. Of course, after his death, Hank had discovered it again and left for Japan without her.

  She heard a tap on the bedroom door and looked up to see Raven standing in the hallway. “May I come in?”

  Commonsense dictated that allowing him into the bedroom she and Hank had shared would end badly. She nodded anyway. “You don’t know him, Raven. He’s a good man. He came into my life at a time when I didn’t see a happy path without Braden and we created one together.”

  “Except you’re not happy.”

  “Raven—”

  He shook his head and held up his hands, palms outward. “I’m not here to argue. I’m here to apologize. I was totally out of line and had no right to speak to you with such disrespect. I’m ashamed and dismayed to find I’m one of those men who turn nasty when rejected.”

  “I haven’t rejected you. I just want to give my marriage another try—if he’ll forgive me.”