John (Guardian Defenders Book 3)

by Kris Michaels

  John shook his head and dropped into a vacant chair. “Beats the fuck out of me.” He accepted an ice-cold bottle of water that was pressed into his hand. John glanced over at Chief and raised the bottle in a salute. He downed the damn thing in one go. After he crunched the thin plastic and capped it so it remained flat, he shook his head. “Doc Wheeler is talking with her now.”

  “Did she actually…” Drake’s question floated out there half-asked.

  John glanced at Adam before he spoke. “No. She didn’t.” John knew what Drake was asking, and he knew the Doctor couldn’t say a damn thing.

  John started the chair rocking just to give his body something to do. Listening to her tonight, he understood that guilt was eating her alive. He got it. He’d tasted a version of that hell. Lori would be alive now if he’d acted faster, been more alert.

  He’d had to learn how to cope with what had happened. He learned to understand he wasn’t responsible for the leak of his information or what happened to her as a result of their work. He wasn’t the person that planted the bomb under Lori’s car. He wasn’t the one who’d killed his father and left him to rot in a dumpster. But their work was the reason both his father and Lori had been killed. There was a portion of that responsibility that would forever fall across his shoulders.

  Shae wouldn’t believe it right now, but she was lucky. Damn lucky. None of her coworkers or family had died from her actions. John drew a deep breath and sat quietly in the dark with the other four men. The silent agreement to hold vigil until Jeremiah was finished bound them to the quiet and retrospective mood. Cat jumped up into his lap then hopped up to the back of the chair and jumped over to Drake’s chair to hunker down with her owner. The beast’s squeak-slash-purr was the only sound that punctuated the gentle nighttime sounds of the ranch.

  It was close to three hours later before the lights in the cottage extinguished and Jeremiah walked toward the porch. John knew the man couldn’t talk about any of the things he and Shae had discussed, but he damn sure hoped he could provide some kind of reassurance that she would be all right.

  “She’s sleeping. It was a big night for her. I think we turned a corner. She has a long road ahead of her and a lot of work.” He gave a glance at the men sitting with John. “Sorry for interrupting your Thursday night tradition.”

  “Just glad she’s okay.” His friends rose and said their goodbyes.

  Jeremiah turned back to him. “I need you to understand that she needs to make this progress on her own. I know you want to help, but let her extend her hand to you, don’t push yourselves on her. She is a resilient lady.” Jeremiah waved off a bottle of water he was offered. “I have to head home. I’ll be back tomorrow morning. Adam, can we talk a moment?” The doctor unfolded himself from the chair and followed Jeremiah to his truck. John stood and stretched, glancing back at Cat, who’d woken up at all the movement. She lifted and stretched, looking like a Halloween silhouette before she jumped down and jogged after Drake.

  John leaned against the railing of his porch and waved to both doctors as they departed. He sent his gaze over toward the drover’s cottage. He wasn’t supposed to care. He was supposed to be doing a favor, but that woman had reached out and grabbed him by the throat tonight. Got his attention real quick, and he wasn’t about to turn away from her. She’d laid her heart bare while he held her. Emotion so deep and so personal that he felt like a voyeur for having witnessed it. How could he not care? He glanced up at the millions of stars in the South Dakota sky and drew a deep breath. If anyone would have told him years ago he’d be in a place where he gave a fuck about anyone again, he’d have called them a liar.

  Chapter 9

  Shae watched Jeremiah’s pickup back out of John’s driveway. It had been over a week since her meltdown. Jeremiah called it a turning point. She called it hitting rock-fucking-bottom. She’d spent more time with Jeremiah in the last seven days than she’d ever spent with any one man. Well, outside her partner. The doctor was helping. She couldn’t deny it. She wasn’t going to paint a rosy picture of unicorns and glitter, because… just fuck no, her life had never been about that girly stuff, but she was feeling better. Not much stronger physically but… better mentally. She still couldn’t stand anyone close to her and Jeremiah had told her that aversion was natural given the circumstances of her detention. Shae walked out to the cottonwood tree and sat down at the base of the massive trunk.

  She looked out over the ranch, glad that she could see the cattle and horses from where she sat. She was happy to be on the ranch side of the property. She wasn’t ready to face Guardian’s facilities. She’d seen glimpses of the detachment when she was trundled over to her small cottage the day she landed. Guardian had placed no mandates or timelines on her, yet assumably, they needed answers to their questions. But… not yet.

  Jeremiah had left her this morning with more questions than she had answers for. The sneaky man did it on purpose. Her mind churned through their conversations today and snagged on several key points. She had touch aversion, except she’d let John hold her. Hell, she’d clung to the man that night. Shae closed her eyes and leaned against the rough trunk of the old tree. She felt safe in his arms. Did she have any idea why? No.

  She called up his image in her mind’s eye. He was tall, broad in the shoulders, and lean. Dark hair with touches of silver at the temples, brown eyes… five o’clock shadow every night that he stopped by. He had a cat that hung around him and adored him, even though it wasn’t his. Shae chuckled at the thought of the poor thing. It was a busted, used-up excuse of an animal, but the thing adored John. And if she was honest, she liked that cat, too. She was sweet and wasn’t a mean thing like the one her mom had when she was growing up.

  Shae’s thoughts plummeted at the thought of her mother. She’d called her mom once to let her know she was alive. Her mother didn’t answer her phone, so she left a message and a call-back number. She was in that hospital for months and her mother never returned her call. Her mom was very happy with her new husband and she wasn’t needed in her mom’s life any longer. Yeah, she knew she wasn’t ready for the emotion that would come with facing her mother or anyone else back in Israel. A horrible cloak of guilt flew at her from her subconscious. Shae popped open her eyes and drew a deep breath in, counting to ten, focusing on the numbers, nothing but the numbers, and then let it out for a count of… well, eight because she couldn’t exhale long enough. She went through the breathing exercise and willed away the darkness. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. She had other tricks that Jeremiah had given her, or she had the magic pill. But she didn’t want to have to take any more medication. She was tired of the disassociated feeling the drugs gave her.

  She heard the truck pull up but continued her breathing exercises. At the sound of footsteps heading her way, she opened her eyes. John ambled over the grass followed by Cat and a white, poofy… was that a dog? John sat down in the shade and removed his hat, wiping the band with a bandana from his back pocket.

  He grabbed Cat and lifted her into his lap where she promptly tucked into a circle and began cleaning her scraggly coat. The poofy dog pranced over to her and barked.

  “Meet Sasha. I’m not sure if she has a brain in her head, but she’s fun to watch.” The dog started spinning around in circles and barking before it promptly sat down and started panting.

  “I see what you mean.” She reached out to pet the little dog, but it bounded away at a full run.

  “Ah, Joy must be calling her. Joy is the dog’s owner.”

  “Do you always collect other people’s animals?”

  He laughed and glanced down at the cat in his lap. “It would seem I do. How’s the day treating you?”

  Shae shrugged. “Some good moments, some bad. How was yours?”

  “Typical day. Never-ending list of chores.”

  “How did you come to work for Frank? I mean, you were with the men who rescued me, so this job on the ranch, is it a… cover?” She couldn’t concei
ve the exact relationship of a man on a rescue operation and a ranch hand.

  “Ah, not really. Let’s just say he was looking for a ranch manager. I was looking for a ranch to manage.” John didn’t look at her when he spoke; instead, his attention was suddenly focused on Cat. Shae got the message loud and clear. He didn’t want to talk about it. She could respect that. She watched the man’s strong, calloused hands stroke the pitiful-looking feline with tenderness that his size and stature belayed.

  “Are you feeling better?”

  Shae’s eyes snapped up to his at the question. She didn’t see the slightest hint of judgement or sympathy. It was hard to figure out what was in his expression, especially since the lower dose of antidepressants still fucked with her ability to instantly grasp what emotion she was internalizing.

  “I never did thank you, did I?” She watched as he dropped his eyes back down to the cat and gave a shrug of his shoulder.

  “Any one of the people at this ranch would have done the same thing. They all care about you.”

  “That may be true, but you were the one who was there. Jeremiah told me you called him because you were concerned.”

  John met her gaze. He swallowed hard and nodded before he added, “I lost someone I loved. I bear a portion of the responsibility of her death. I understand what you’re going through—to a degree—because everyone’s experience in life is different. It took me a long time to be able to close my eyes at night and not blame myself. But I was able to acknowledge what happened, accept what responsibility laid on my shoulders, and move on. It hasn’t been easy.”

  Shae took a moment to look out over the pastures and absorb what the man had just told her. “Does Jeremiah know about your loss?”

  “Nah. I wasn’t really associated with Guardian when I came here. I wasn’t part of the organization to begin with. They gave me refuge from a bad situation. They gave me a safe haven after my usefulness at the other agencies I worked for ran its course. I didn’t get professional help for the situation that happened. I gutted it out and struggled with the insanity I was putting myself through. I’m sure that’s why it took so long for me to come to terms with what happened.” John pulled a long strand of wheatgrass and tickled Cat’s ear with it. She rolled onto her back and swatted at the blade of grass.

  Shae considered the man’s words—or rather, lack of information—carefully. There was more to him and his past than he was telling. That was fine by her. Unfortunately, the man was front and center when her life exploded, and he had a damn good idea of what her secrets were and why they were haunting her.

  “Anyway, the reason I asked if you were having a good day was that one of the horses had her colt. I have to go down to the barn and check on her and the little one. Some horses don’t really have any maternal instinct. They had to hand-raise this particular horse’s colt last year, and if she doesn’t take to the little one we’ll have to do that again this year. I thought I’d ask if you want to go see the little guy.” John pulled the grass along his jean-clad thigh and Cat pounced on him, grabbing the strand with a curled paw and attacking it.

  Shae glanced at the distance to the barn. She could probably walk there, but it would take every ounce of energy she had. It was at least a quarter-mile. John followed her gaze and shook his head. “I’m not asking you to walk it. I know that would be a tall order and you are still recuperating. We’ll take the truck. We can drive there and then maybe take a drive around the area after. You probably need to see something different by now.”

  Shae averted her eyes. The man was so damn thoughtful. She did want to see a baby horse. She’d seen horses in pastures when her school went on trips but had never seen one up close. In Israel, the horses were bred by the rich. Arabians of the finest bloodlines. She viewed the world as an amazing place back then. Hers to conquer and nothing was going to stop her. She felt the darkness creeping toward her again and acted on impulse rather than in fear. “I’d like to see the pony.”

  John laughed and got to his feet, offering her a hand. “Foal or colt. A pony is a small, fully-grown horse.”

  “Okay. I want to see the baby horse.” John laughed at her obstinance, but she only noticed that he towered over her. Shae stiffened and tried to quell the fear of reaching out toward his extended hand. She froze, unable to move.

  He slowly lowered until he was right in front of her. “You trusted me when you were at your lowest. I haven’t changed. I would never hurt you. Take my hand. I won’t pull you up and I won’t grasp your hand. You are in control. Trust yourself and trust me. Take my hand, Shae.”

  Shae moved her gaze from his outstretched hand to his face. The kind sincerity in his eyes softened his sharp features. She closed her eyes and reached out slowly. The rough callouses of his palm scratched the pads of her fingers. She opened her eyes and focused on the place her fingers laid against his palm.

  “There you go. Now, let’s go see that baby horse.” John stood, leaving his hand in the exact same place. Shae tightened her grip and used his hand as leverage. As promised, he didn’t close his hand or try to do anything other than support her weight when she pushed down on him. He remained motionless when she finally stood upright, allowing her to gain her balance. The pain in her ankle forced her to pause and wait for a moment. Her body trembled, not from the effort but from the contact. She slowly pulled her hand away and took a step toward his truck.

  They walked slowly toward the massive four-wheel-drive king cab. Shae stopped beside the behemoth. She turned toward John and then glanced back at the high step to the cab. “I don’t…”

  John smiled and held up a finger. He went to the back of the truck, dropped the tailgate, and pulled something from the bed. He lifted a plywood set of steps and brought them to her side of the truck, positioning it directly in front of the door. John reached over, lifted the handle, and opened the door. He moved to her side and extended his hand just like he’d done minutes before. She looked at the steps, up at the truck, and over toward him.

  Take my hand. The phrase echoed in her mind. Shae made the visual sweep again, resting her gaze on his outstretched hand. She moved up to the step and reached out to him. She pushed against his palm, gripping it tightly when she lifted her bad leg up the small step. He remained completely still and steady underneath her grip. Shae drew a deep breath and took the next step and the next. She grabbed the handle inside the cab of the truck and released his hand, finally sliding onto the leather seat. Her body was covered in a sheen of sweat and her heart felt as if it would pound out of her chest. She closed her eyes and leaned forward.

  “Breathe. You did a wonderful job. It isn’t easy to trust or to take chances when the façade of our normality is stripped from our lives. Rebuilding takes small steps, tiny movements that can gain momentum. Starting is the hardest part.”

  Shae opened her eyes and turned toward him. Standing where he was, he was just above eye level with her. “Starting sucks.” It was the truth, and she’d never been one to sugarcoat a fact.

  His face split into a wide grin and then he laughed, “It does indeed.” He picked up the stairs in one hand and shut her door with the other. Shae automatically moved to pull the seatbelt across her chest and froze when the sensation of being strapped in became too much. She unclenched her hand and let the belt retract back to its position. She couldn’t bear that. Not yet.

  John got into the truck and started it before backing out of the drive and almost idling the quarter of a mile to the barn where the horses were kept. The steps reappeared and his hand extended for her to use. It wasn’t easy, and it took almost five minutes for her to get down from a height she’d normally jump down from with ease. When she reached the ground, her legs shook, and she was awash with sweat. She glanced toward the barn and the short distance morphed in her observation. She was exhausted.

  John motioned to the sidestep of the truck. “Have a seat. I’m going to head over to the corral and check on the new bull we got in. It’ll take five min
utes or so. I’ll be within your line of sight. If you need anything just give a shout. After that, we can go look at the foal.” There was another man at the rail of the corral, and John turned heel and left before she could form the words to object to his obvious lie.

  Shae stared at his retreating back and gladly collapsed on the truck’s shining silver step and rested. She’d bet her last paycheck that bull didn’t need his attention.

  Sitting in the shade that the truck threw over her, she tried to recover from the effort. Adam had said her diet was the primary reason for her lack of strength, and now that her meds had been adjusted, she’d started eating more and at regular intervals. The protrusion of her hip bones and collarbone told her she’d lost a lot of weight. She used to pride herself on the firm muscle she’d worked hard to build and maintain. She drew a deep, shaky breath and leaned back against the maroon door of the truck she was resting on. Her eyes flitted over the barn and corrals that were either butted up against the structure or in the immediate area. The smell of animals was strong. Shae scrunched her nose and gave a half-hearted swat at a huge fly that had invaded her personal space. Her eyes cut to the men at the rail. John laughed and pointed out past the corral, drawing the other man’s attention out beyond the pile of muscle and horns that lumbered past the men. Neither one of them paid the massive animal any attention. A bark of laughter from the men brought them back into focus.

  John Smith was a handsome man. Rough around the edges, but there was no denying he was attractive. Shae let herself stare. Before her assignment, she would have propositioned the man in a heartbeat. She liked sex. A lot. Sex with a man who could dominate her? Well, fuck, that was all the hotter because she’d never submit to a man who wasn’t strong enough to take what he wanted. She used to love the chase, especially when it was her doing the chasing. But holy hell, when she found a guy that wasn’t put off by her forwardness, one that would chase her… and then catch her…