From the Inside Out

by Talya Andor

  It felt good to get the weight of Stephen off his chest. Over a year and a half since he'd spoken with anyone about it…there was no one at the University of Portland he'd confided in. He had made a fresh start, and no one who knew him now had known him before. Stephen and their petty arguments and the ultimatums…the ghost of a relationship that had been laid to rest. Still, images lingered in his mind, that last dance together at prom, moving across the floor pressed chest to chest. Nostalgia had ignited a fire inside him, fueled by regret. Part of Lucas had believed all this time that there must have been something he could do to prevent the end, that the stirred feelings of that evening should have pushed him to try harder for what they'd had.

  He remembered the moment the jocks, the watching throng of styled faces, the drunk-flushed girls had broken their silence and begun to laugh.

  He had let public opinion trump his own feelings. He'd left without standing up for himself, or Stephen. He would regret that forever, regardless of whether he forgave himself for letting Stephen go.

  Still, if Stephen hadn't left his life, there would have been no Soren.

  Lucas scrubbed himself down quickly and toweled his hair, before scrambling into a set of fresh clothes. The apartment was still dark and quiet as he moved to the common area, barefoot and rubbing a hand through his loose hair.

  He approached Soren from behind where he leaned against the kitchen counter. Then he remembered the painful lesson from last week.

  "I'm making noise," Lucas announced, walking up to Soren.

  "I was expecting you."

  Lucas smirked, placing his mouth against the curve of Soren's neck.

  "I was thinking," Soren said, as Lucas wrapped his arms around Soren's waist, their bodies gravitating closer. "About what you said…about Stephen."

  "Hmm?" Lucas traced a line up toward Soren's ear with his tongue.

  Soren slowly twisted, his arms going around Lucas in turn. "I wasn't taking your side earlier. I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to come out to your parents and bring a boy home…when I'm having a hard enough time with that, myself."

  "Ah," Lucas skimmed his hands up Soren's body and settled lightly on his shoulders. "When you're ready…let me know. I'll come with you, if you want. To your parents." It was easier to promise than the prospect of Jonathan and Irene Daye coming to Portland to visit. He shrank back from that thought and its tangled associations. With Soren, he didn't want to think of anything but the moment.

  "Teach me more of that which you call 'groping,'" Soren said, tilting his head up with wide eyes.

  Lucas chuckled, leaning in to press his lips to Soren's temple. Even that much, the sensitive skin beneath his lips, was enough to cause his excitement to quicken. "My pleasure," Lucas murmured. He had to be insane. Lucas glanced over Soren's shoulder and began to walk him backwards, steering him toward the couch.

  By the time they reached it, Soren was laughing and trying to crane his head over his shoulder to find the couch, but Lucas wouldn't let him, leaning in for a kiss every time. They thumped together, breathless, onto the couch and Lucas crawled over Soren, bending to kiss his mouth, his cheeks, his neck, keeping Soren down with a hand on each shoulder.

  "More groping, huh?" Lucas murmured, leaving space between their bodies, eyes flickering down, then back up to Soren's face.

  "Mmm…" Soren's throat worked as he swallowed, and then he nodded, hair fanning out. Tentatively, he slipped his hands into Lucas's shirt again, then splayed them higher, moving with the slow deliberation of one not quite sure of what he was doing.

  Lucas closed his eyes and held his breath, then let it out slowly. Control, Lucas. Control. Somehow those unskilled touches were turning him on more than someone with twice the experience. He lowered himself by degrees until they touched from the thigh and down.

  Eyes on Lucas, Soren's hands explored higher and brushed over his nipples. It made Lucas want to reassure him, to kiss that anxious look on his face. He gave Soren the faintest of smiles, which seemed to make him less anxious. Soren's brow creased in concentration, and he thumbed Lucas's nipples experimentally.

  Lucas gasped, ducked his head and kissed him, slow, and lingering. Soren made a soft sound as their lips parted against one another's. He pulled his hands hastily out of Lucas's shirt.

  "Hey," Lucas said softly, pulling his face back to get a good look at him, but now Soren's hands were delving between them and grabbing the top of Lucas's jeans, pulling their bodies together. There was a rapt look on his face. "You little…" Lucas grinned and kissed him again, then hovered close.

  "Let's go to your bedroom," Soren breathed against his mouth. His hand fluttered in the vicinity of Lucas's groin, then curved over his waist to settle at the blurred line between lower back and upper rear.

  "You sure?" Lucas murmured. "This is fine, for now."

  Soren made a frustrated noise. "I want to. I need…more."

  Lucas planted his lips on the corner of Soren's mouth, trailing kisses down to the hollow of his ear. "Well, that means I'm doing something right."

  "What?" Soren writhed, an uncomfortable expression flitting over his face. He hooked a leg over Lucas's, but not pushing up.

  "Turning you on." Lucas trailed his fingers over the skin bared by Soren's bunched-up polo shirt.

  Soren's stomach muscles twitched and he made another noise, soft and pleading. "Lucas," he hissed, and caught his breath.

  "You could take a cold shower like I did," Lucas teased, shifting his position, lowering himself to kiss Soren's bared stomach.

  Soren told him in explicit terms exactly what Lucas could do with his cold shower.

  "I would have, you see, but it's cold," Lucas explained, shuddering a bit to illustrate his point. He could feel Soren throbbing beneath him. Contrary to his typical seduction techniques, he wasn't going to do a damned thing until Soren begged him for it. "Are you sure you want to go to my room?"

  "Yes, dammit." Soren arched against Lucas, pressing against his stomach. "And I don't want to be seen like this if someone walks in the door."

  Lucas kissed Soren's stomach again, framing the points of hips beneath his hands and enjoying the way Soren's legs clenched to either side of him.

  "I trust you." Soren's hand moved to touch Lucas's face, brushing aside the hair that had fallen forward. "You make me feel safe. And sexy. And right now, really damned frustrated!"

  Lucas laughed. "All right, all right…" He climbed off Soren and stood, holding out a hand.

  Soren looked up at him, smiled, and took it.

  Eight

  In the bedroom, the blinds were drawn, and the door clicked shut behind them, the soft sound of the latch underscoring the quiet. Soren bit his lip and held onto Lucas's hand as he turned on a single bedside light to add to the atmosphere. Lucas was a warm, solid presence, the fingers woven with his providing an antidote to the unreasoning fear that clawed at him. It was the closest Soren could ever be with someone.

  Lucas looked at Soren. "We don't have to—"

  "It's fine. I want to." If he didn't get himself past the fear, he would create an even bigger block for himself. If he couldn't do this with Lucas, then Lucas might lose interest. There had been one of those, in dance class a long time ago. The bubble of memory resurfaced now at the most unexpected point. Someone had liked him, but he couldn't go further, and so his crush had gone for someone else.

  Freeing himself from Lucas's entangling arm, Soren began to strip with brisk, mechanical movements, as if he were taking his clothes off for a shower or exam.

  Lucas caught his wrist, an adorable furrow between his brows. "What are you doing?"

  "What?" Soren asked, shaken. "I'm…I'm taking my clothes off?"

  "Come here." Lucas coaxed him along to the bed, that towering, intimidating four-poster bed. But it was Lucas, so he went willingly, and when they climbed onto the spread, he was drawn into Lucas's arms. A hand sifted through his hair and petted his shoulder. "You don't have to do that. I don't w
ant you to do it like that, Soren. Let's just…take it slow, okay?"

  Soren hummed, vision hazing when Lucas's face came into kissing range. It was territory he was comfortable revisiting. He parted his lips and let Lucas in.

  "Let me help you out of this," Lucas murmured, his hands blazing a path over Soren's skin and raising his shirt up, pausing near his ribcage.

  Soren helped with the removal of his shirt. He didn't need it, anyway. Lucas's mouth caught his again, tongue probing him thoroughly. Soren let himself sink back onto the bed. Lucas's hands on his skin were feverish, making Soren shudder, and he shifted his hips, feeling the terrible ache in his body, knotting in his groin.

  Teasing with lips and hands, Lucas descended. His plans seemed to run along the lines of 'leave no inch of Soren unmapped' and to this task, he dedicated himself thoroughly, drawing a fingernail lightly over Soren's nipple and chasing it with his tongue, before treating the other nipple the same way. His mouth made a track down from breastbone to navel, and Soren breathed hard, sliding his hands into Lucas's fine hair. So close…A tongue trailed across his stomach from one side to the other, skirting the very top edge of his pants.

  "Lucas…" I want, I almost, I need to… Soren turned as Lucas crawled the length of his body and closed his lips over Soren's mouth again, keeping his own body shifted off to one side, barely touching Soren.

  At the moment, he certainly didn't feel like saying no.

  "What do you want, Soren?" Lucas asked, a smile playing over his lips. His hand traced down Soren's bare chest from collarbones to the edge of his pants. He rested his hand there, on Soren's bare lower stomach, rubbing softly.

  Soren groaned and wanted to thrust upwards. "I…I don't know." He made a noise, inarticulate and wanting, as Lucas ducked in to nibble at his ear, tongue following the crevices there in a way he'd never thought could be so arousing, but it went straight to his groin. "Lucas, take your shirt off too."

  Lucas obediently rolled away from him and dragged the long-sleeved shirt over his head. He was pale from time spent indoors. His slender body was broader through the shoulders and chest than Soren, his pectoral and stomach muscles flat but well-defined.

  Soren reached for him, sliding an exploring hand over his chest, the firmness of a pectoral, the subtle ridges of his abdomen. All the while, Lucas regarded him with lazy, heavy-lidded eyes, a lion on the verge of the pounce. Soren stopped, of course, at the edge of Lucas's jeans, although he was aware of the bulge there and could hardly keep his eyes off it for fascination. He'd done this—he had this kind of power.

  "I want…"

  Folding him close, Lucas kissed him again, and they lay side by side on the bedspread trading kisses. This was different from before. The tension sang through Soren's body, building, pulling him closer to Lucas before he knew it. Their bodies were flush and Soren pressed himself against Lucas, slanting himself open to a very aggressive tongue, fumbling over his hip to grab for a hold. Soren thrust against Lucas and moaned when Lucas thrust back, grabbing at his butt, grinding their bodies together in urgent pulses.

  Lucas drew back. "Sorry," he muttered, and plastered a quick kiss on Soren's mouth. His hand withdrew from Soren's rear.

  Soren breathed hard and grasped at Lucas's hand. "Don't be," he murmured, and guided Lucas's hand to his fly. His breath eased out of him as Lucas dragged his zipper down.

  Soren clung to Lucas as his pants were stripped down over his thighs and he was taken in hand. It was something Soren had done before for himself, and therefore not so intimidating, but it was Lucas and so much different, more wonderful, better. Their mouths never parted for long as Lucas continued the rhythm by which they moved, hand and heart and sex. Soren tracked his hand down in turn, catching at Lucas's fly, determined to share the soaring rhythm that clogged his throat with rapid breath and stopped up his voice.

  He drew Lucas out, fascinated by the silken weight against his palm for a moment before echoing Lucas's movements. Lucas's breath sped to match his and they were kissing, quickening together.

  "Please…" Breath poured over Soren's lips as he kissed Lucas with frantic intensity, inclining his hips into the steady pull of Lucas's hand. His own pace, he realized, had slackened, and he sped up to match.

  They leaned against one another, rough and bumping, bodies colliding. Lucas was kissing him again, and their arms pressed as they moved together. Soren was having trouble splitting his concentration between Lucas's mouth and what his hand was doing. Lucas's hand was pulling pleasure from him, moving fast and demanding a response that Soren's body was eager to answer.

  Soren pulled back, eyes wide open, and all he could see was Lucas. He cried out, and Lucas kissed his neck, the sensitive spot beneath his ear, and rubbed against him cheek to cheek. A moment later, Lucas stiffened against him.

  There were tissues on the bed-stand counter, and Lucas made liberal use of them while Soren lay against him, pliant and enjoying the lazy sensuous feeling that had spread throughout his body. A great weight had evaporated, leaving him free and pleasantly surprised.

  Lucas lay back down, and they turned and shifted together until Lucas was spooning him, brushing Soren's hair away from his face and draping an arm over him.

  "Don't go," Lucas whispered, kissing the back of his neck. "I don't want you to go just yet."

  "I don't want to, either," Soren whispered back, tugging the arm tighter around him and fitting himself back against Lucas's body. Amazement made him light inside, hollowed out for the warm flush of happiness filling him like a cup. He'd done it, and he didn't feel shamed or gross or sinful. He felt good and completely at peace with it.

  "Then don't," Lucas said.

  "Well." Soren shifted, grunted, turned himself over with the aid of Lucas's hands. The move brought them nose to nose. "I already said I'd stay for dinner, you know."

  "Stay the night," Lucas said, and kissed him slowly, mouth dwelling over his as if memorizing the shape.

  "And wear my work clothes to class…" Soren closed his eyes and nuzzled against Lucas, tracking to either side of his nose before closing on his mouth again, worrying at his bottom lip.

  "You can borrow one of my shirts," Lucas said lazily, his hands sliding low again, then he rolled onto his back and tugged Soren on top of him. "Hmm?"

  Truth be told, Soren had never felt more comfortable, more sexy, in his life…and he had no desire to let go of the feeling. If he'd known, if he had done something differently…The ideas chased round his head, but he cut them short. He had waited. It was just the right time.

  "I'll stay."

  *~*~*

  There were lights on in the apartment when they emerged from the dark and quiet of Lucas's bedroom. "Hey, who's here?" Lucas called out, reaching back to take Soren's hand, enjoying the smug flush of satiation. Not only had Soren not freaked out, he'd seemed more than comfortable in Lucas's arms, head nestled against Lucas's shoulder as they'd dozed afterwards.

  Soren trailed behind him, shoving hair back away from his face with one hand. He was wearing an older white shirt of Lucas's, one that was too tight on Lucas now, and therefore a good fit for Soren.

  In the afterglow they had discussed the mechanics of the next day. Lucas would drive Soren home so he could pick up clothes, and then they would go to work together the next morning. It was only a half-hour until Lucas's shift started, and there was always homework to do.

  "It's Lisa. And Brandon. Are you two decent?"

  "Ha, ha," Lucas said dryly as they emerged from the hallway onto the kitchen area. "We weren't that loud." He was annoyed. Somehow, he'd expected to continue to be alone after reaching a turning point in his relationship with Soren. Having Brandon and Lisa intrude on the moment was off-putting.

  "Soren, are you blushing?" Lisa asked, looking delighted. "I was teasing."

  Lucas frowned at her. Would Soren want to retreat, and ask him for a ride home again?

  "Leave them alone," Brandon said, reaching for the phone in its cradle. "
Hey, have you eaten? We were thinking about ordering a pizza, we could order two."

  "One for you, one for the rest of us," Lucas agreed, releasing Soren and heading for the counter. "Dinner and a movie sounds good."

  "What, no clubbing?" Lisa looked Soren up and down and grinned.

  Soren ducked his head, then returned the grin with a weak smile of his own, going for the fridge. "We have work tomorrow."

  "Not to mention classes," Lucas added. He was trying to downplay the focus on his past behavior. Hearing that he'd been prone to hitting up clubs no matter what day of the week it was wouldn't exactly increase Soren's confidence in him.

  Lisa pulled a face. "Oh, since when has that stopped you from hitting the club circuit? Classes, at least."

  Lucas cast a glance at Soren. "I don't know if we'll be doing so much of that."

  "I'd like to," Soren said, tossing Lucas a Coke and pulling the tab on his own. "With you, I mean. I've gone with Sloane and it was never much fun." His face was still faintly flushed. "I'm not much of a dancer, and besides, dancing with Sloane…"

  "Doesn't do it for you?" Lucas supplied with a faint grin.

  "Not at all."

  "Okay, so two pizzas?" Brandon broke in, phone still in hand.

  "What, no gourmet meal?" Lucas asked. He turned the Coke can in his hands, giving it time to settle before opening it. His eyes kept returning to Soren, fixating on little things. He looked at the curve of his jaw, the faint flush on his cheeks, the dip between his collarbones. Lucas was still pleased about what they'd done, but…

  How long before Soren needed something he wasn't able to give?

  Brandon waved the phone at him. "I'd like to see you try cooking, for a change. I know you can, but you've been all talk. No, we need to go grocery shopping, and besides, if we get pizza you can pay for half."