Back From Chaos

by Yvonne Hertzberger

  The look she gave him was filled with empathy. “Remember, Gaelen is your friend as well as your lord. Some things are hard to hide from those who care for you. I have informed him of what I am telling you, and he understands its importance.”

  “I will do what I may, lady, to be sure. But I must think on how.” His mind whirled. This revelation was so unexpected that it completely unnerved him.

  “You will find the answers you seek.” Liethis voice conveyed her confidence.

  Liethis left with assurances that Klast would speak with Brensa and not avoid her further. A deeply troubled Klast watched her go. He could not imagine what, exactly, he was supposed to do.

  ~71~

  KLAST’S DILEMMA

  Liethis’ admonition put Klast in turmoil. He could not get around the problems that developing closer ties with Brensa posed. Unanswerable questions kept his head going in circles, and he got no closer to finding answers no matter how much he thought about it. Some of the questions concerned his relationship to Gaelen and how his work would be affected. Others revolved around what his relationship with Brensa would look like. Was he to be her guardian … her friend … her … lover?

  Was he supposed to join with her, to take her to wife? That last idea frightened him most … and led to even more questions. If he and Brensa joined, how would they solve the problem of Brensa’s fear? Brensa had been so damaged that he believed she might never be able to lie with him without terror or pain. Hurting her by insisting was out of the question. She trusted him. Nothing would incite him to break that fragile trust.

  Could they live together as brother and sister? How would he manage that? He could no longer deny he desired her. Would they grow to hate each other? Liethis had been so vague about the nature of their destiny that he had few clues to go on. The more he wrestled with the problem the more rattled he became.

  In the end, he decided talking to Brensa might be the best way to find some answers. He had been such a solitary person for so long that the idea of consulting another, especially a woman, was alien to him. So before approaching Brensa he went to Gaelen for advice. Since Gaelen had been told of the problem, and since he owed him first loyalty, that seemed a good place to start. He sent a message requesting that Gaelen meet him in their usual spot.

  Klast lit the lone tallow candle in the cell where he waited and paced, head down, hands clenched at his sides. Sitting was out of the question. The two rickety chairs remained close to the table, undisturbed. He looked up, startled, when Gaelen appeared at the door

  “My friend, it is good to see you again.” Gaelen smiled warmly. “My lady sends her regards, as does Brensa.”

  Gaelen sat down on one of the chairs but did not bid Klast to do so. He opened directly, “I understand that Liethis paid you a visit before she left?”

  It was more statement than question. Klast understood the intention. Gaelen was letting him know he anticipated the reason for the meeting.

  “Am I correct in thinking this is what you wish to speak to me about?”

  Klast struggled for the right words. “Indeed, my lord. I find myself in a most difficult situation.” Then, as if Gaelen had been part of that conversation, he added, “Although Liethis assured me it would not interfere with my allegiance to you.”

  “That is good to hear. I know you well enough to understand how hard that would go for you.” He caught Klast’s eyes and added, “Your loyalty is not in question, my friend. How may I help you?”

  Klast took a deep breath, collecting the courage to proceed. “My lord, it appears I must foster closer ties to Brensa. Until now, I had believed it best for us both if I remained away from her, and discouraged her affections for me.” He glanced at Gaelen for a reaction, but he could read nothing but interest there.

  Klast plunged on. “I deemed it both dangerous and unwise to let any tie between us become known, for her safety. And I believed it unjust to expect that she should concern herself with my own safety, when my duties take me away from Bargia.”

  “Perhaps I can ease you on that level at least, Klast. I had planned to speak with you after we had resolved our business with Sinnath, but perhaps this is a good time to do so.” Gaelen stopped, looking at Klast directly. “Understand that what I offer is a proposal only, not an order. But perhaps it will make your decision regarding Brensa easier.”

  “My lord?” Klast grasped at the momentary reprieve.

  “Yes, for now Bargia seems out of danger from attack from outside its borders for the foreseeable future. This is partly as a result of the losses our neighbours suffered from the illness that weakened us as well. Too many of the guards that I relied on since my father’s death have also died. This leaves me with few I can trust to guard my person, and none with your special skills.”

  Klast stood, alert … waiting.

  Gaelen paused again, as if reluctant to continue. “I know that you have preferred a solitary life with no true place to call home, but I have need of your services more here in Bargia than outside its borders. I ask you to consider staying here, as head of my personal guard, with possible excursions as need arises.” He paused again and added, “My friend, I cannot order you to do this. It is a request only.”

  Klast looked at Gaelen, eyebrows raised.

  Gaelen quirked a smile. “It seems I have managed to surprise you, my friend.” He laughed. “I had not thought that possible.”

  Gaelen sobered again. “Of course, the change will not take place until we have Sinnath unmasked.”

  Klast did not respond, digesting this turn of events.

  Gaelen added, “Now that you may have an added reason to stay in Bargia, I hope this eases your dilemma.”

  Klast recovered his tongue and stammered, “My lord! I must think carefully on this. It does offer possibilities. But as you say, I am unused to living among others. Questions arise!” He resumed his pacing.

  After some time he stood still and looked at Gaelen. An unwelcome realisation suddenly hit him.

  “My lord, will it be necessary to take up permanent residence in the city? You know me well. If you command it, I will obey, but this would be most difficult for me.” He grew even more serious. “I do see that this would benefit Brensa.”

  He sat down suddenly, placed his elbows on the table and lowered his forehead onto his palms.

  “Klast, my friend,” Gaelen spoke quietly, leaning toward him. “I know your need for solitude well. Without a good dose of it, and frequently, you will be of little use to me or anyone else. I cannot ask that of you. I will promise you a good deal of time in more solitary duties. It will not be necessary to spend overmuch time at court.” He stopped a moment, as though a new thought struck him. “I think Brensa, too, would welcome less time at court. She still has not recovered her former carefree disposition and jumps at every noise and shadow.”

  Klast shook his head slowly. “My lord, will you give me leave to consider this?”

  “Certainly. I do not require your answer immediately. But do not leave it overlong.”

  Klast stood to go. Then, recalling what he had come for, he turned back to face Gaelen. “My lord, it seems I must speak with Brensa in order to find the answers I seek. How may I request a private audience with her? Preferably away from court, where we may speak without interruption. Do you think Lady Marja will release her for an afternoon?”

  “I am certain that she will do so, and gladly. You two have much to discuss.” Then he gave Klast a teasing look. “I think you will find my lady inclined to look favourably on any request you might make, since you have, once again, saved her dearest friend.” He gave a wry chuckle. “I am confident she does not hold your ordering her out of Brensa’s chamber against you any longer.”

  Klast’s sudden dismay about this reminder of his breach in protocol brought another laugh from Gaelen. “She is not angry, my friend. Go. She understands better than you know.” With that, he stood to go and held the door, waving Klast out of the roo
m ahead of him.

  In his turmoil, Klast did not even hear the door close.

  ~72~

  THE TALK

  As Gaelen had predicted, Marja readily gave permission for Brensa to leave with Klast for a few spans. She assured Brensa she wanted a nap and had no need of her for a while.

  Klast led Brensa through a maze of passages to a small, enclosed courtyard in the oldest part of the castle.

  “No one knows of this place,” he explained, “not even Lord Gaelen. I come here when I need to think.”

  Klast used the courtyard when he wanted to make sure no one interrupted him. It made a good refuge. He found its stone walls, too high to let in enough sun for a garden, comforting.

  A few tufts of brown grass and a stubborn patch of goldenrod gave the only signs of life. The ground was a dusty, cobblestone square. No benches lined its perimeter. Many years ago it had been used as a refuge where the lady and her maids could get some air if the city was under siege. Now it stood forgotten and neglected. Klast wondered what Brensa thought of his rough sanctuary.

  She waited to one side, looking around, but showed no inclination to speak.

  Klast withdrew a bundle from behind a loose stone. It consisted of an old horse blanket with a crock of wine rolled up in it and two poor clay mugs. He spread the blanket, poured wine, sniffed it, and curled his nose in disgust. It had gone sour.

  “Had I planned this better, there might have been cakes and fresh ale. As it is, I fear this wine is no longer drinkable. Forgive me.” He indicated the blanket. “Please sit. We have much to speak of.”

  Brensa did as she was bidden, but instead of joining her, Klast began pacing as he had done with Gaelen. After a moment’s silence he started. “Brensa.”

  Brensa spoke at the same instant. “Klast.”

  They both stopped short and Klast barked a short uncomfortable laugh.

  Brensa smiled shyly as their eyes met. “You start, Klast, since you asked to meet.”

  Klast agreed with a short nod. “Brensa, you know me to be a man of few words. I do not know how to make pretty speeches. Allow me to finish what needs to be said before you speak. There is much, and I do not wish to forget anything important.” He looked to Brensa for agreement. She merely nodded, clearly puzzled and anxious.

  He continued. “Liethis came to me before she left Bargia. She tells me that there is a connection between us that needs to be made stronger. She says this is important for Earth, in order to restore the Balance lost to the plague.” He looked at Brensa to see if she understood. She nodded again, open interest on her face.

  He spread his hands wide, a puzzled frown creasing his brows. “I cannot see why we have been chosen. Of what import can we be? I do not understand it.”

  She nodded again, eyebrows raised slightly in question, but remained silent, waiting for Klast to elaborate.

  “To answer the obvious question,” Klast went on, “no, Liethis does not know how or why this is so.”

  Brensa’s looked disappointed but still held her tongue.

  “Brensa, until now, I have tried to discourage your affections for me, believing this to be in your best interest. Liethis tells me I am mistaken. It seems we must seek out each other’s company.” He spread his hands again, palms up, unable to understand, unable to hide his frustration, hoping she would not take it amiss. Earth, but he was no good at this!

  Brensa brightened slightly, hope lighting her eyes.

  Klast gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head and resumed pacing. How should he proceed? What should he say that would not lead her astray? Best be blunt, not give her false hope.

  He stopped and faced her again. “I am not like ordinary men.” His pacing resumed. “I cannot offer you a home in the city, near the court, as you deserve. I need solitude, time away from people. I am not accustomed to spending more time than necessary in the company of others. And I am much older than you.”

  A sudden thought brought him up short. He stopped in mid-stride and spun toward her. “I have told you I have never lain with a woman.” He knew this sounded angry, almost as an accusation that he needed to defend himself against, but it popped out that way, and now he could not take it back. What must she think?

  Brensa merely nodded again to show she remembered. Klast could see her confusion. It mirrored his own. He could not face the questions in her eyes, so began pacing again, hands clasped behind his back.

  “Lord Gaelen has offered me a position as head of his personal guard. This means I will not be sent away so often on more dangerous missions. I will remain in Bargia.” He glanced at her over his shoulder to see if she could tell where this was leading.

  “We must decide what we shall do.” Klast whirled back and looked at her intently to make sure she was listening. She nodded, rapt, eyes never leaving his face. At least she did not look hurt. Maybe he did not sound as angry as he thought. Or perhaps she understood how hard this was for him.

  “Here are the two ways I see. We can continue as we are but act as friends. You will stay with Lady Marja, and I in my quarters.”

  He hesitated, watched her face fall, then admitted, “I do not think this will satisfy what Liethis sees.” He felt embarrassed at this new realization. Why had he not understood that before now?

  He shook himself and made himself relax his posture, though his pacing continued. “I could find a place for us to live together … but it must be outside the city. We could live as brother and sister. That might present its own problems, which we will need to discuss … or …” He stopped, took a deep breath and forged on. “We could be joined and try to live as husband and wife … I do not know if this is possible for you,” he added hastily.

  There. He had said it. He stopped abruptly and turned to face her. “I am finished. Now I will try to answer your questions.” He waited, feet firmly apart, hands behind his back, expectant and alert. It was her turn now. He understood how overwhelmed she must be, just as he had been. She looked at him for what seemed like a long time, her expression going through changes faster than he could read.

  Finally she spoke.

  “Klast, please sit. I know you are waiting for me to speak, but this is all most unexpected. I do not know where to begin. I have so many questions, and now you also wish a decision from me.”

  Klast felt chagrined and immediately sat across from her cross-legged. “Forgive me. I have had more time to think on these things. Of course you will need time to make your decision. Please ask what you wish. Then I will return you to your quarters and wait upon your reply when you are ready. You will wish to discuss this with Lady Marja as well, I expect.”

  He watched Brensa square her shoulders in determination, though she could not hide her anxiety. “Klast, are you truly willing to honour each of the offers you have presented? Can you live with each of them?” Then she took a deep breath and went on before he could stop her. “Do you love me still?”

  Klast was caught off guard. He blurted, “Still? You know that I love you? How?”

  Brensa gave a trembling smile. “When I was ill you whispered it. You thought I would not hear … but …is it still so?”

  Klast sagged. He looked at the ground, then raised his head to meet her eyes again. He felt as if he had been caught in a fault of character. But he made no attempt to dissemble, and answered softly, “I did not think you heard. Yes, it is so. I cannot deny it. How, I do not know, but you have captured my heart. I did not think such a thing possible for me.” His failure to understand himself better made him feel lost.

  Brensa’s face lit up and she blushed, her eyes bright with hope. She was so transparent. It made Klast uncomfortable. He sat up straighter and put his closed mask back in place. He watched Brensa’s brightness fade and regretted his awkwardness.

  “Klast, I think you already know that I love you. And that you are the only man I trust completely. Not even Lord Gaelen can ask that of me.”

  Klast acknowledged that with a s
low inclination of his head, eyes never leaving her, knowing there was more to come.

  Her voice shook as she continued. Klast admired her courage as she took a deep breath. “You know what happened to me. Klast, before I can make a decision about sharing a dwelling, I must know. If I cannot share your bed can you truly be content to treat me as sister only?”

  Klast tried to hide the conflict he felt. He had made a promise. He must honour it. But he suspected she would know. “Brensa, I have made you that offer. I can and will honour it. Since I have never lain with a woman I can continue without it.” But he knew his tone lacked conviction.

  Brensa studied his face for a long moment. “Klast, I need time to think about what all this means for us. As to living outside the city, that is what I wish also. I no longer feel safe among so many people. Lady Marja has done her best to help me recover, but I fear I will never again be comfortable with court life.” She paused and looked at him shyly. “Truth be told, I dream of a small cottage, with a hearth of my own and a garden, far away from court.”

  She gave an ironic laugh, breaking the tension. “But in my dreams I already know how to cook. I fear if it were so I may starve before I learn to feed myself … us.” The last word came out in a whisper, and she studied her hands, fingers twisting.

  Now it was Klast’s turn to laugh, a rich sound that surprised even himself. “You need have no to fear there on my behalf. Some of what I have had to eat in the past made dogs turn up their noses. And I can teach you the few things I learned in my travels. I am satisfied with very little.”

  Then he sobered again. “But you are accustomed to court food.” It hung between them like a question as he waited for her to continue.

  Brensa smiled at that. “You fed me well enough when you rescued me. I am sure you will be an apt teacher. Perhaps neither of us would starve after all.” The ice had been broken and the air felt lighter. Klast smiled back, a new warmth suffusing his chest.