To Blake, With Love

by KT Webb

  No matter how much I enjoy her company, Blake represents everything I find abhorrent. Her extended stay in Ireland is just a small step away from emigration. Who is she leaving behind that wanted her in their lives forever? Now that I’ve drawn a comparison between Blake and Madigan, I don’t think I can look at her the same way.

  I ruined everything tonight. Maybe if I’d kissed Blake and just left it at that, it would have been salvageable. But I panicked and said the one thing I swore I would never say to anyone. Kissing Blake was confusing. It was nothing like how I remembered it with Madigan; this felt like more. This felt like it could be everything that was missing from the empty life I’ve been living since Mads left.

  It’s well past midnight by the time I finally fall asleep. I wake with the sun because I forgot to close the curtain. That’s okay, I need a hot shower anyway. Once I’m under the scalding water, I think about how I’m going to do damage control. Mum is going to kill me when she finds out how big of an ass I’ve been. I stand beneath the water for longer than usual, relishing the burning sensation against my skin. At least I’m feeling something other than anger and regret.

  Just as I step out of the shower, there’s a knock at my door. I didn’t order any room service, so the only person who may be standing on the other side is Blake. My stomach turns. I’m stark naked. I can’t answer the door like this! The knocking has grown more insistent, and I hear the muffled sound of my name being called from the hallway. I have no choice; I quickly wrap a towel around my waist and rush to the door. Just like that, I’m dripping wet, a towel covering the naughty bits, and staring at Blake Molloy. This really isn’t helping anything.

  “I’m ready to go. I can wait downstairs for you,” Blake is careful to keep her eyes on my face.

  “Hold on,” I say as I reach to stop her from leaving. “You can wait in the room; I’ll dress in the bathroom. We have to talk anyway.”

  “Yeah, I’d really rather not.”

  I’m hoping my expression reflects my contrition. “Please, I promise I’ll offer you some explanation. I feel terrible for last night.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing happened last night,” Blake replied coolly.

  I deserved that. With a sigh, I stand back and open the door for her to come inside. Blake takes a few moments to step over the threshold, but when she does, she lopes to the chair in the corner, sits down, and crosses her legs. My clothes are on the bed, so I grab them quickly and rush to the bathroom. Starting a relationship with Blake is not a good idea. I don’t know why I feel the need to remind myself of that repeatedly, but I do. Once I’m presentable, I step out of the bathroom to find her still staring at the wall with an irritated expression.

  “You wanted to talk?” She asks with surliness I didn’t know she possessed.

  God, she’s adorable. I clear my throat and sit on the edge of the bed closest to her. “I’m sorry for what I did and said last night. I didn’t mean any of it.”

  Except for the kiss, maybe, I definitely meant that kiss. The longer I look at Blake’s pouty lips, the more I want to lose myself in this woman. I hate my brain. When she doesn’t offer any response, I take it as a cue to continue with my apology. I don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty details with her, but she should at least know I’m damaged goods. I don’t think I could ever love anyone after what Madigan did to me.

  “I haven’t been inclined to start a relationship since the love of my life walked away from me twelve years ago. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find you to be incredibly attractive, but I have no interest in beginning a relationship with anyone.”

  “Okay,” is the only answer I get before she stands up and grabs her bags again. “How long until we can hit the road?”

  “That’s it? You don’t want to talk about this anymore?”

  Blake regards me for a few moments. I can see the wheels are turning, she’s trying to find a way to respond. I don’t know what I wanted; did I want her to yell or cry, maybe throw things? Perhaps I expected her to be angry at me at the very least.

  “Don’t get me wrong, Gannon. I’m pissed. Not because I thought we had some magical connection or something ridiculous like that, but because of how you handled things. I’m a big girl, I can handle rejection. It’s not like I pursued you, it seemed pretty mutual to me,” Blake’s voice is even as though she’s thought through what she was going to say.

  Oh boy, was it ever mutual. The attraction is there, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve been attracted to plenty of women. My choice to remain single is a direct result of my past. I let Mads in. It was stupid of me to be so open and loving to someone who simply tore my heart apart and stomped on it on her way out the door. Part of me knows I’m behaving in a completely irrational manner. I’m doing this to myself; Blake has no idea who Mads is, she doesn’t have any idea why my attitude has changed.

  “I’m sorry. I wish I had handled this differently. I know I already got a do-over, so I’m not going to ask for another. Let’s go check out and hit the road for Kinnitty,” I offer.

  “You know what, you're right. You don’t get another do-over. I’m not going to be a bitch about this, but I feel like some things need to be said,” Blake paces the room as though she’s gathering the courage needed to get the words out. “I don’t know who hurt you or why you are the way you are any more than you know my past. The bottom line is, we’re both adults. I didn’t come here to get entangled in some torrid affair with a surly Irishmen, not that the fantasy hasn’t crossed the mind of literally every woman in the world.”

  I can’t help but laugh at her quip. The look on her face in response to my laughter immediately silences me. She’s not done, and I’m acting like an ass again.

  “I came here because my grandfather sent me a letter just before he died. His last request was for me to come here and reconnect with his family. It was something he regretted his entire life, and I’m the one he wants to try to make it right. Do you know why he chose me, Gannon? No. Of course, you don’t. Not only was I his favorite granddaughter, but I’m also a total loner. I have nothing in my life back in America. Nothing. I walked away from it all a few years ago, and I don’t regret leaving.”

  I have no idea what to say. Maybe Blake is more like Madigan than I thought. From what I understood, Brion Molloy had three children, and they each had a few of their own now. Blake has a family that probably loves her, and she abandoned them, just like her grandfather, and just like Madigan.

  “So, Mr. Fitzpatrick, while you’re sitting there feeling sorry for yourself because you fucked up and kissed some stupid American tourist, I’m over here feeling used and confused. I swore off men like you a long time ago. Whatever this is,” she gestures between us, “it isn’t going to be anything more than a friendship. Ever. If we can even be that.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her. I can see that she barely contains the tears threatening to fall. She doesn’t say anything else, she just bends down to grab her bags again and walks out the door of my hotel room. It’s going to be a long drive back to Kinnitty.

  The hour and a half it takes to get back to my hometown are excruciating. I’m doing my best not to upset her any further. At this point, I’m pretty sure any interaction with her may send her off on another rant about how terrible I am. Not that she’s wrong. Along the way, she made some comments about the landscape and asked to stop a few times so she could take a picture. I was happy to oblige, and pleasantly surprised when she didn’t pull out a selfie stick to get pictures of herself with the Irish countryside behind her. Instead, all she was interested in was capturing images that included our rolling hills, grazing cows, and bleating sheep. By the time we pass Kinnitty Castle, I’m pretty sure I have to figure out a way to get back into her good graces. We may not have a future as a couple, but I wouldn’t mind having the opportunity to show her I can be a decent friend.

  As I pull the truck up to the Molloy Bed and Breakfast, I glance at Blake’s reaction
. It had to be strange to arrive in a place that held so much family history for her, even though she knew nothing about it a week ago. Her eyes sparkle with a mixture of excitement and curiosity as she stares up at the manor house once occupied by her great grandparents and beyond. I don’t know that I’ve ever looked at anything with that amount of longing. I already know I was wrong to think she was just like all the other tourists I’ve seen come and go from here. As we get out of the truck, Blake is awestruck by the B&B. I pick up her bags without any fuss and carry them up to the front door of the side cottage intended for the caretaker. Mum has been the caretaker for most of my life, but she’s never lived in the cottage. I can remember her telling Brion Molloy over the phone on many occasions that she would not be living there. We have a home, one my father built before he died. She didn’t want to leave that behind, it holds too many memories for us.

  Thinking about mum sends a shock of hot shame through me. If she knew how I’d behaved thus far with Blake, she would probably box my ears. I’ve always been taught to respect other people, especially women. Usually, I have no problem doing just that, but I screwed that up big time. Now, as I look at the expression of instant love on Blake’s face, it seems stupid that I ever compared her to Madigan. Blake doesn’t even act like the woman I try not to think about. Maybe it’s her confidence and lack of care regarding the opinions of other people. Or perhaps it was the way she called me on my bullshit this morning with only the barest hesitation.

  “This is where you’ll be living for the time being,” I reluctantly interrupt her silent ogling.

  “Oh. I assumed I’d be staying in the B&B. What’s this?”

  I swing the door open for her and gesture that she should go in. It takes a few trips for me to bring her bags inside, but once everything is in, I close the door behind us. Blake is busy looking around.

  “This is technically the caretaker cottage, but mom has never lived here. She keeps it clean and ready for potential guests if the bed and breakfast doesn’t suit the needs of a family or has too many guests. It hasn’t been rented out in quite some time, though. She decided you would need some privacy considering the length of your stay is up in the air,” I explain as she wanders around.

  “Thank you. It’s beautiful,” Blake says with a genuine smile.

  I nod and turn to leave, but her hand catches my arm and pulls me back slightly. I feel the immediate electricity at her touch, but I do my best to ignore it. It’s impossible to know what her intentions are right now. When I look back, her emerald green eyes are almost pleading.

  “Gannon, thank you for bringing me here. I hope we can put last night behind us. I could use a friend right now.”

  All I can do is offer her a small smile and the briefest nod. If I try to speak, I may say something idiotic. I’m going to be in trouble with this girl if I’m not more careful.

  “What happened last night?”

  Well shite. I tear my eyes away from Blake’s beautiful face to see my mum standing by the back door. The look on her face tells me she’s read me like a book. I’m in deep shite.

  I can tell from the look on Gannon’s face that the voice behind me is none other than Aoife Fitzpatrick. The last thing I want is to get him in trouble with his mother. Last night was far from okay, but it happened. If we’re going to live in the same tiny town, we’re going to have to move past the embarrassment of that experience.

  Gannon is panicked, but I know I can help. I turn around to face the last woman I expected to be related to the tall, sexy, bearded god standing near the front door. Aoife is short and thin. She reminds me of a sweet lady you’d meet at Bible study. Gannon must take after his father.

  “Hi! You must be Aoife. I’m Blake Molloy, it’s so nice to meet you. Gannon has told me a lot about you,” I try to make sure my smile is both sincere and innocent.

  Aoife isn’t easily distracted. She narrows her eyes at her son before returning her focus to me. I can tell the subject isn’t closed, and Gannon is going to have an awkward conversation with his mom at some point soon.

  “It’s lovely to meet you, Blake. I hope you’re okay with these accommodations. I wasn’t given a lot of warning about your arrival. That Brion Molloy, God rest his soul, was a bit of a stinker sometimes.”

  I am immediately charmed by her, she’s got to be the complete opposite of her son. After looking back at Gannon with raised eyebrows, I offer Aoife my hand. She shakes it with a firm pump before releasing me and walking directly to her son.

  “I hope my boy took good care of you, Miss Molloy. He can be a bit ornery, but he’s a good man, I promise.”

  “Oh, he was fine. We saw some of Dublin yesterday and had a nice drive to Kinnitty this morning. I think we’ll be friends in no time,” I know I’m laying it on thick, but I’m just as responsible for the incident last night as Gannon is, so I don’t want him to get into too much trouble on my account.

  “Well, the cottage is all yours, dear. We’ll leave you to get settled in. It’s still early, so I’m sure you’ll be ready for tea before too long. I’ll get some ready up at the main house. Feel free to join me when you’re ready,” Aoife loops her arm through Gannon’s and guides him from the cottage.

  I didn’t have time to tell her I would much rather have coffee, but that’s okay. For now, I just need to get some things unpacked and make this place feel a little more like home. Something hanging above the mantle catches my eye. I’ve seen it before but never carved into wood as this version is. The Molloy family crest hangs proudly above the fireplace in my new home. I carefully reach up and run my fingers across the smooth edges. I haven’t allowed myself any time to process the loss of my grandfather, and the weight of it is beginning to wear on me.

  The regret grandpa felt at how he left his family must have eaten away at him for years. I don’t think he regretted his decision to leave Ireland, he built a beautiful life for our family. But I think he carried the pain of not reconnecting with his family, not making things right with them, until the day he died. That’s why I’m here. I’m an olive branch to his family. Without me, they would never have the opportunity to know the man my grandfather became.

  With a deep sigh, I gather my things and head into what appears to be the master bedroom. There are two other bedrooms in the small cottage, but only one of them has a bed in it. Judging from the natural light pouring in from the window in the empty room, I decide to make it my office. I’ll have to see what I can get delivered from the Irish extension of my favorite online store. From a quick glance at the kitchen earlier, I already know I need to order a coffeemaker and some coffee pods to go with it. My list is growing, I should probably write it all down.

  It doesn’t take long to locate my laptop amidst the plethora of suitcases. After plopping down on the bed, I turn on my connection to the rest of the world and start writing my first Ireland blog post.

  To Grandpa,

  I’m here! I made it. Before I get into any of the details of my first few days in Ireland. Yeah, I just typed that. I’m. In. Ireland! Okay, anyway, I wanted to tell you the first thing I felt when I stepped off the plane is almost impossible to put into words. It was a strange sense of homecoming. Like my heart had been looking for this place all along. It seems silly to say, but I don’t know how else to describe it.

  When I got through customs and tried to find my ride, I was given a delightful surprise by our caretaker. She arranged for her son to show me around in the city before we returned to Kinnitty. Dublin was fantastic. I can’t believe the things I had the opportunity to see. Every place I visited reminded me how rich the history is here. The knowledge that I am deeply connected to this place, and that my ancestors played even the tiniest part in that history only makes me want to dive deeper.

  Now that I’m sitting in the cottage that will become my home, I feel like I’m closer to finding the pieces of you that you left behind years ago. From the Molloy family crest hanging above my mantle to the Molloy Bed & Breakfast that
was once your family home, I can’t wait to get to know the man you were before you became my grandfather.

  With Love,

  Blake

  My first few weeks in Kinnitty are mostly uneventful, aside from the time I spend with Aoife in the B&B. The place is well-kept and quaint. I learn quickly that the caretaker takes her job very seriously. She knows everything there is to know about the history of my family business and takes great pride in her work. Between writing and helping around the B&B, I haven’t had time to do anything fun. I’m itching to get out of Kinnitty for a few days to see more than just a few places in Dublin. My interactions with Gannon have been limited. Of course, I’ve visited the pub a few times, but it’s always busy, and I don’t bother him if I can help it.