“Then we won’t put you in a car, but you can’t stay out here in the rain, so come on.” He held his arms out toward me.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to carry you.”
My broken heart started beating again as I stared into the peace filling his gaze. As I was panicked, he stayed still. He was the calm of the sea as my mind swam through its own brutal waves of despair.
I shook my head. “No, Jax. We’re t-too far from my place. You can’t do it. Plus, I’m too heavy, and, and, and—”
“Kennedy,” he cut in, still holding his hands out toward me. “I’m going to carry you now.”
I didn’t say another word, just nodded as he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me from beneath the tree. He began walking in the direction of our houses, which were blocks away.
“What are you doing?” Connor asked.
“I’m taking her home.”
“That’s over a mile, Jax.”
“It’s not a problem,” he said matter-of-factly even though I knew it was an insane task.
Connor combed his hands through his hair and sighed. “I’ll follow behind you, in case you decide you need a ride.”
He climbed into his car and drove slowly behind Jax. Connor was to Jax what Jax was to me—a true friend. Anyone who would carry you in the rain was someone worth having in your life, and anyone who would trail you to make sure you didn’t need a ride was also worthy of awards.
Havenbarrow had men who were made for romance novels.
I buried my head into Jax’s chest as he carried me, never seeming tired from the heaviness of my body in his arms. Each step he took felt controlled and deliberate. As my head lay against his chest and as I listened to his heart beating, my own heartbeats seemed to calm.
“Thank you, Moon,” I whispered, holding onto his soaked shirt tightly.
“Any time, Sun,” he replied.
As we arrived home, he went ahead and carried me up the steps of my front porch. Connor rushed to me with my purse and keys. He held them out to me, and I thanked him.
Before I knew it, Connor wrapped his arms around me and held on tight. “I’m so sorry, Kennedy. For anything I did, I’m sorry.”
I told him he hadn’t done anything wrong, but when he let me go, I saw the tears in his eyes as guilt swam in his stare. “I swear, Connor. I’m okay.”
He nodded once and straightened his baseball cap. “Get some rest, lady. Jax, keep an eye on her, will you?”
Jax brushed his hand across the back of his neck. “Will do.”
Connor headed back to his car and drove off, leaving a dripping-wet Jax standing on my porch. I felt a little silly now that I’d calmed down from my panic.
My hands brushed my cheeks as I gave him a pathetic smile. “You shouldn’t be standing in those wet clothes. I’m okay now, I swear. I’m going to change and head to bed and—”
“You can talk about it.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“You can talk about what you’re feeling with me.”
I shook my head. My lips parted to speak, but I choked on my words, unable to express the emotions weighing heavily on my heart. “I don’t know how to talk about it. I thought I was better. I thought I was getting better.”
“You are getting better.”
“No, I’m not. I have panic attacks when I see kids. I have panic attacks when it rains. I can hardly get into a car without being overwhelmed. I can’t drive. Don’t you see? I’m not normal. Penn always said I was too much, and I am. Amanda was right.”
“Amanda?” he asked, arching an eyebrow. “What the hell does Amanda have to do with anything? What did she say to you?”
“It doesn’t matter. All that matters is she was right. You deserve someone who isn’t as broken as me.”
“You’re talking crazy,” he said, shaking his head. “You just had a panic attack—it’s not the end of the world.”
“Yes, it is. Don’t you see, Jax? I’m broken. I’m damaged goods, and you’ve already fixed yourself. You don’t deserve to have to deal with my broken pieces after you’ve been through so much on your own.”
“Tell me your truths, and I’ll stay,” he swore. “Whatever they are, Kennedy, I’m not afraid. I’m here.”
I lowered my head and wiped the tears that stubbornly kept falling. “Some days, I can hardly look at myself in the mirror without feeling the heaviness of my past mistakes.”
He stuffed his hands deep into his pockets and narrowed his eyes as he studied every inch of me. “I know how that feels.”
“But you’re better off in your healing. You did the work to get better. I feel like I take one step forward and five backward.”
“There’s no straight path, Kennedy. Healing isn’t linear. Healing comes with curves, bumps in the road, and potholes. I still have days when I think about my mother and want to stay in bed forever. I still have weeks when my body aches from the memories of the past, but I know those days are part of healing. Eddie once told me that we can’t heal if we are too afraid to honor our shadows, too. Even the sun gets covered by clouds some days. That doesn’t take away from the light it gives off.”
My lips parted, and I didn’t know what to say. My chest was still so tight, and my hands were shaky.
“Let me hold you,” he said, nodding my way. “Please?”
I nodded.
We headed into the house, and I changed out of my wet clothes. I gave Jax a pair of my oversized sweatpants, and he slipped into them, remaining shirtless.
We crawled into bed, and he wrapped his arms tightly around me as I allowed myself to break. He didn’t tell me to hurry. He didn’t say there was a time limit on suffering. He just allowed me to feel everything, all at once, and I realized how necessary that was for me. I needed to fall apart, and he was there to catch my broken pieces.
* * *
“I have this fear,” I confessed, staring up at the ceiling of my bedroom. I’d spent a good amount of time crying against Jax’s chest and was finally coming back down to Earth with my emotions. “That I’m too hard for anyone to love. That my brokenness is a turn-off to the world. That my trauma broke me into too many unlovable pieces.”
Jax was quiet for a moment. It was as if he was trying to form the words in the perfect way to make me understand his thoughts. When he spoke, I was listening with every ounce of my being.
“I’ve never been in love,” he said. “I’ve never been in love, have never known how it works, but I’m trying to understand it more. I’m trying to learn all I can about it. What I’ve learned so far is when I think about love, I think about you.”
My lips parted as chills raced over my body. “Jax…”
“I love your broken pieces, because it shows that you’ve lived. It shows that you are brave enough to give yourself to the world, no matter how hard it can be at times.” He looked into my eyes. “I love you, Kennedy. I love you in a way that’s bigger than love. I love your sun rays and your moon shadows, and I am going to keep loving you and your broken pieces until you feel my love so strongly you forget your heart has any damaged cracks. Then, I’m going to love you more.”
His words healed parts of me I hadn’t even known were broken. My lips danced across his, and I kissed him ever so lightly. “I love you, too.”
“One day, you’re going to get past this, Kennedy. One day, you’re going to be able to walk outside and dance in the rain like you did when you were younger, and I’ll be dancing right there with you. But you don’t have to rush it, okay? You are allowed to go slow. There’s no timeline to healing. You walk at the pace that works for you, and I’ll carry you when your legs get tired. You don’t have to walk this path alone.”
That night, the storm outside raged on, but for the first time in a long time, because I was in Jax’s arms, I was able to fall asleep.
* * *
When I woke up the next day, the sun was streaming through the windows. I rolled over i
n bed to see that Jax was gone. Sitting up quickly, I reached for my phone, and it was already past eleven in the morning. I had crashed a lot harder than I had thought.
I slipped on my robe and went searching the house for Jax. Had he left without saying anything? Before I could wonder any more, I heard a loud buzzing sound coming from outside. When I reached my front door, my heart almost leaped out of my chest as I saw thousands of bubbles being blown in my direction. Dozens of bubble machines were sitting in my front yard, and right in the midst of it all, Jax stood with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants, wearing a big smile on his face.
“What is this?” I laughed, shaking my head back and forth.
“You can’t be sad when blowing bubbles,” he told me, walking my way. He took my hands into his and squeezed them. “And I wanted you to feel a kiss from your daughter this morning. I wanted you to remember that, no matter what, she’s still here.”
Tears formed in my eyes. “You’re everything I wanted and everything I never knew I could have.”
“I’m yours,” he promised. “I think I always have been.” He took a step back, held his hand out toward me, and bowed slightly. “Now, will you do me the honor of dancing with me in the bubbles?” he asked.
I laughed, took his hand, and we danced.
31
Kennedy
“What are you doing here?” I gasped as Yoana came walking up toward my front porch. Jax and Connor were working on the landscaping and I was knee-deep in writing a scene in my novel when I noticed my sister skipping my way.
I shot to my feet and hurried over to her, pulling her into a tight hug.
“You guys weren’t supposed to be home until next month,” I said, confused as ever.
“Yes, well, I had a little birdy in town tell me you might be in need of some family. Nathan is back at home, resting, so I figured I’d stop by to see you so we can talk,” Yoana said as she glanced over at Jax, who was trying his best to act as if he was hard at work. “And you must be Jax.” She smiled as she walked over to him. “It’s nice to see you again after all these years, and thank you for that call.” She pulled him into a hug, and I was still confused as ever.
“You called her? How?” I asked, baffled.
He shrugged. “I grabbed your phone the other night while you were sleeping and reached out to her. I figured you could use some familiar faces around.”
My heart was his.
“Thank you, Jax,” I said, and he gave me his half-grin, which warmed me up inside. I went on to hug Yoana again.
She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and nudged me in the side with her hip. “Now, how about a cup of Mama’s favorite coffee so we can catch up a little?”
“Aren’t you jetlagged? You don’t have to hang out with me if you’re exhausted.”
“I’d rather be exhausted with you than sleeping. Now, come on. I need you to catch me up on everything, especially the hottie that little Jax turned out to be.”
I shook my head. “I thought you were concerned about me dating him.”
“After that phone call? No way. I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. So, come on—caffeinate me.”
We headed inside, and my chest felt as if it were going to explode with excitement from having my sister back with me. I needed her more than I even knew. We sat down in the dining room, talking about everything under the sun. She told me all about her travels, and I could see that whenever she mentioned Nathan, she had even more love for him than when they’d left. It amazed me how love could keep growing after so many years.
“And this Jax guy, Kennedy,” she said, shaking her head as she held her cup of coffee. “He’s the real deal, isn’t he?”
“I think so. He just makes me feel better. He makes me feel happy on days that would normally be sad.”
“Good,” she said, nodding her head. “That’s what you deserve. I’m not going to lie; I was really nervous when you told me about his past. I didn’t want you to get hurt, but the way he showed up for you when you were at your lowest, the way he championed you…that’s what I always wanted for you. I wanted you to have a real love, the kind that holds you up instead of letting you fall. Penn wasn’t that man for you, but Jax…the way he looks at you…” She pretended to swoon, making me laugh.
“You saw him stare at me for all of two seconds, and that was all it took?”
“Yes,” she said somberly. “You know why?”
“Why is that?”
“Because he stared at you the way Daddy looked at Mama—like you were the world and he was lucky to even be near your orbit.”
Butterflies kicked around in my stomach. “That’s how he makes me feel: important, like I’m enough.”
“Because you are enough, Kenny. You always have been. I know you’ve been through some hard times, but in the end, I know they are going to make you stronger. I’m already so proud of the progress you’ve made.”
I looked down at the coffee swirling in my mug. “Sometimes, I think I was so foolish for staying away for so long. I could’ve been here with you and Nathan and healed much faster.”
“Nobody can make a person heal faster, but we sure as hell would’ve sat with you during the rain.”
Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Maybe it isn’t about getting to the sunlight, but being able to weather the storm with those you love most.
“I think I’m going to start seeing someone,” I said. “Jax mentioned how therapy helped him, and I think it might help unclog some of the mess built up inside my head.”
“I think that’s a brilliant idea. It takes a brave person to reach out for help. Just never forget that you aren’t alone in this world, Kennedy. I’ve got your back through thick and thin, and you know the most beautiful thing about it all?”
“What’s that?”
“We now have a team of angels watching over us each day. If that isn’t a blessing, I don’t know what is.”
* * *
That night, I thanked Jax with both my words and my body. I loved on him as if it was the only thing I was ever meant to do. Our bodies fit together so well, as if we were each other’s missing puzzle piece. I loved the way he loved me, both with his body and his words.
As we lay in bed, his phone dinged, and he sat up to see it. I saw the grave look on his face as he read the words before him.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s from Amanda about my father,” he said somberly. “He’s on life support, and it’s not looking good. They transported him to a hospital.”
“Oh my gosh, Jax. I’m so sorry.”
He began scrambling. “I have to get down there. I have to go see, I have to…” He began putting his clothes on, and his words were jumbled. “I need to—”
“Hey,” I said, stilling him by placing my hands on his shoulders. “It’s okay. I got you. I’ll drive you there.”
“No, I can’t ask you to do that. I know how driving is for you. I’m okay, I’m…”
“Jax, you’re not okay. You can’t drive right now. I got you. Give me your keys.”
He reluctantly handed them over, and we gathered our things before leaving. As I slipped into the driver’s seat, I took the deepest breath of my life. I’d have been lying if I said my nerves weren’t shot, but I had to get past that quickly, because in the passenger seat was a man who’d stood beside me during my storms, and now it was my turn to do the same for him. I turned the key in the ignition, put my foot on the gas, and away we went.
When we arrived, the outlook wasn’t good. Jax brought a book inside with him, and the doctors informed him that there wasn’t much time left for Cole, said Jax should prepare to say his goodbyes.
He didn’t say a word to his father about his feelings. He didn’t express his love or gratitude. He didn’t share stories about how his father had changed his life. Instead, he sat and read War and Peace. He read chapter after chapter until his emotions began to get the best of him. When it became too much, when th
e words wouldn’t fall from between his lips and the heartache began to drown him, I took the book from his grip, and I began to read the words for him.
32
Kennedy
Cole took his last breath on August 5th. I was there with Jax when it happened. We sat inside the hospital room, the nurses giving us space as Jax witnessed his father’s lungs inhale and exhale for the last time.
After it happened, Jax turned to me and lowered his voice. “Is it wrong that I’m somewhat relieved he’s gone? Is it selfish to think that he can no longer hurt me? Does that make me a monster?”
“No,” I said, taking his hand into mine. “It makes you human.”
The day of the funeral, the sun was out, but the world felt gloomy. It was a small gathering of people that met at the graveyard; Cole hadn’t wanted a ceremony. Jax’s brother, Derek showed up with his fiancée, Stacey. Eddie and Marie came, along with Connor, Yoana, and Nathan. Everyone who cared about Jax was there to surround him.
My heart began to skip a beat when I turned to see another figure walking toward us. Joy was approaching the cemetery, and when she reached us, she took a place right beside Jax.
He turned toward her, shocked that she had finally left her house after so many years. “What are you doing here?” he asked her, confusion filling his stare.
Joy gave him the kind of smile that makes all broken hearts heal. She took his hand into hers and held it tight. “I go where the love is,” she calmly replied. “Which means I go where you are.”
My heart almost exploded as I witnessed them sharing this moment.
“Thank you, Joy,” Jax whispered.
“Always,” she replied.
When it came time for Jax to say a few words, he wasn’t certain what should be said. “Most of you never knew my father, and those of you who did, you didn’t know him to be the greatest man. It’s ridiculous for me to pretend he was a good father to me, because he wasn’t. He was cruel, and hard, and most of the days, I hated him, and still…” He took in a breath. “You ever hate someone so much and still miss them at the same time? That’s how jaded my love for my father is. All I ever wanted to do was make him proud, even down to his final days.”
Southern Storms Page 23
