Jax reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the novel he’d been reading to his father. “This was the book my father saw my mother reading the first day they met. He said he read it because he wanted something they could connect on. I’m not going to lie and pretend my parents had a great relationship, because they didn’t. They had flaws, like us all, but this book connected them, and I wanted to finish reading it to him before his last days so I could find a connection with him, too. I fell a couple chapters short, which is how I felt about our relationship in general. We fell a couple chapters short.”
Sniffling, he brushed his hand beneath his nose and shrugged. “I hope he finds peace in the darkness, and I hope wherever he goes, morning will come, and he’ll be given another chance at finding his light.”
He lowered his head as his emotions overtook him. I hurried to his side to hold his hand. Eddie moved in too and took the book from his hand.
“What are you doing?” Jax asked.
“I’m going to read a few chapters,” Eddie said, flipping through the pages. “Because the book is not done until the last word is read.”
“There is still a way to go, Eddie,” Jax argued. “You can’t read all of it.”
“I’ll read some, too,” Yoana cut in, and like a chain reaction, everyone stepped up to read along as we stood around Cole’s casket. It was the most beautiful moment I’d ever witnessed. We passed the book around, one by one, and when it came to the last page, Jax read the words out loud.
When he finished, he placed the novel on top of the casket and said his final goodbyes.
Then we all walked back to our cars holding each other’s hands, because walking alone wasn’t something we’d ever have to do again.
33
Kennedy
After the funeral, we headed over to Jax’s house. It seemed he was handling things pretty well up until it came time for him and Derek to go through their father’s belongings. They’d been in Cole’s office for a while before I heard Jax shout, “This is bullshit!”
Alarmed, I checked in on the two of them to make sure they were okay, and the moment I saw Jax, my heart began to break.
His eyes looked heavy—tired—and his hands were wrapped around a glass of whiskey.
We hadn’t had a chance to change out of our outfits from the funeral. We hadn’t had a chance to even think, really. Jax’s black suit was unbuttoned, his tie was undone, and his internal light had slowly burned out.
“We’ll figure this out, Jax. Don’t worry,” Derek said, his voice somber. He turned to walk out of the office and gave me a halfway grin. “Take care of him?”
“I will.” Derek closed the door behind him, leaving me alone with a very upset looking Jax. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“He was an asshole.” Jax nodded, looking down at the glass, which was shaking. “And I don’t mean that in a ‘I’m a grown-ass man with daddy issues’ way. No, I simply mean he was an asshole. No one showed up to his funeral because he was an asshole. No one other than me visited him in the hospital because he was an asshole. To the very end, even after death, he was a fucking asshole.” He chuckled, but we both knew there was nothing funny. Every laugh felt like a stab. Every smile felt like pain.
I leaned against the doorframe and stared at him. “Jax…”
“Don’t,” he hissed, lifting the glass from the desk. “Don’t make me feel better. I don’t want your light right now.”
“What can I do? How can I help you?”
“You can’t. You don’t get it. You don’t know what he did…” He took a deep breath and moved to the bookshelf, where he rested his hand, the liquor wavering back and forth in the glass. His back was turned to me, but I could hear it in his voice—the brokenness.
“Tell me,” I urged.
“Derek left after my mom passed away, after he saw the man my father had truly always been. He was smart to get away, and I could’ve left with him, too. I could’ve left. Derek told me to come with him, but I stayed because I figured I owed my father something. He never told me anything that made me feel as if I was good enough. He never gave me a reason to stay. I remember every fucking time he laid his hands on me. I remember every repulsive comment he made to me, and I can’t for the life of me remember the last time he told me he loved me. Ever. Then he dies. He dies, Kennedy. Dead. And he has the nerve to leave that behind for me.” He gestured toward the desk.
My eyes traveled to that location before I walked over and lifted up the packet of paperwork. It was a copy of his father’s will.
Jax snickered. “Flip to page three, paragraph four,” he ordered. When I did as he said and read what was written there, my stomach dropped, and I felt a wave of sickness wash over me.
My gaze found Jax’s, and he nodded. I reread the paragraph, hoping it was wrong, a typo, some kind of mistake. It wasn’t.
“He left Derek the plumbing company, and the property. He left him this…” he said, nodding his head, chewing on the corner of his mouth. “This is all I’ve ever had. My father and this place were all I ever fucking had, and he gave it to my brother, who ran away.”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure how to process the information. All I knew was Jax had been dealt a shitty hand in life, and just when it’d looked like the possibility of it turning around was alive, life happened again, dealing him another round of disappointments.
“He had to have left you something… He had to have…” My words stumbled and somersaulted off my tongue. “This doesn’t make sense,” I said, still in disbelief.
“Cole Kilter never made sense.”
“He left you nothing?”
He shook his head and gestured toward the will again. “There’s a shoe box on the floor. That’s what he gave me.”
I glanced down and picked up the box. Inside were letters—our letters, the ones I’d never received from Jax and the ones I’d sent his way that he never got. On top of them was a piece of paper that read, You took my happiness, so I took yours.
When I looked up, Jax was staring at me. I didn’t have a clue what to say or what to feel, so I couldn’t even imagine what thoughts were running through his mind.
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” He paced the office, his voice rising. “Even from his grave, he gets to hurt me.”
“Jax…”
He shook his head back and forth. “All this time I thought there would be some point to all of this, some reason behind all the bullshit, but there wasn’t.”
How was I supposed to fix this? How could I make a man who’d spent his whole existence fighting for others see that he, too, was worth fighting for when so many things in his life had told a different story?
“It’s all a joke,” he muttered. Stepping back, he stared at the damage, and I saw the tiny tremble in his bottom lip. He dropped the glass to the ground, and as it shattered, so did he. He fell to his knees and his shoulders slumped forward. He didn’t cry, but I knew it was his breaking point. My hand covered my mouth to hide my own cries for the broken soul before me. When he couldn’t cry, I fell apart for him.
His hands landed on the broken glass, which sliced into his skin. I moved to him and didn’t say a word. I didn’t beg him to stand. I didn’t tell him to try to be strong. I sat beside him during his storm, and I stayed when he begged me to leave him alone.
34
Kennedy
“How’s he holding up?” Derek asked after I forced Jax to lay down for some rest. Derek and Stacey were staying at the bed and breakfast in town. Stacey headed back to rest a bit, but he didn’t want to leave without knowing that his brother was okay.
I walked over to him and sat down on the couch with him. “He’s struggling, of course. I can’t blame him. What your father—”
“He wasn’t my father,” Derek hissed through gritted teeth. “He wasn’t Jax’s father, either. Not by a long shot. The way that monster treated Jax was disgusting. I couldn’t even imagine what he went through when I left. I shouldn�
�t have left him here.”
“You tried to get him to come with you,” I offered.
“Yeah, well, I should’ve tried harder.”
“At least you can leave him the property,” I said. “I’m sure you can sign it over to his name, or something. I’m sure there’s a way to make this work.”
Derek lowered his head. His fingers were laced together, and his knuckles were white as he stayed quiet.
“Derek,” I urged. “You can turn your father’s cruelty into something good.”
“I know,” he agreed. “Which is exactly why I’m going to sell this hellhole to the highest bidder.”
I felt the stab of his words. “You can’t do this. This place means everything to Jax.”
“Really? Is it because of the fist holes in the walls? Is that’s what’s keeping him here? Or the memories of when Cole threw the microwave across the kitchen? Or the memories of when he punched me so hard that I blacked out the night before I left? Is that what’s keeping him here?” he snapped.
“No. Of course not.”
“Then what in the hell could keep him staying in this place?”
“Your mother,” I breathed out.
Derek began tapping his foot against the carpeted floor. His whole body was shaking. “That’s another reason he should leave this place behind. It holds too much tragedy.”
“He’s trying to turn it into something beautiful. You have to believe that, Derek.”
“You can’t make beauty out of our past. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
I grimaced watching Derek’s anxiety build more and more as he sat there. I knew his mind was moving at the speed of light, and he truly believed he was doing the right thing by selling his family’s land.
“Derek—”
“I’m going to get in contact with the right people to get this moving on sooner than later.” He stood from the couch and brushed his thumb against his brows. “I have a flight back home early tomorrow, but I’ll be in touch with Jax.”
“Wait, no. Please, reconsider,” I begged, shooting to stand up. “This will break him, Derek. If you take this house from him, he will break.”
The corner of his mouth flinched as he refused to make eye contact with me. “He’s been through worse things and made it out okay. I’m sure he’ll get through this, too, and be better for it. He can finally start a life.”
“He has a life here.”
“No, he has a cage here. One he’s been stuck in for too damn long. Listen, Kennedy, I get it. You care about him. I do, too. That’s why I’m making this choice. He won’t make it for himself. I’ve done a lot of messed up things in my life. I’d made the wrong choices time and time again, but I feel in my soul this is right.”
“Where will he go?” I whispered, shaking my head. “Without his home, where will he go?”
“That’s the beauty of this all,” he muttered as he smoothed out his designer suit. “He can go anywhere but here. Tell him I said goodbye, will you?”
“How about you tell him yourself? Be a man. Look your brother in the eye and tell him what you’re playing to do.”
“I’ve never been a brave person.” His head lowered for a second and he took a deep inhalation before sighing. “Just tell him it’s for the best and I’ll be in touch.”
“You’re a coward,” I barked, disgusted by the idea that Derek was going to walk away without telling Jax his plans. That he didn’t even have the guts to look his brother in the face and tell him the truth. “He adores you, and you are going to crush him.”
“He’ll forgive me, because that’s what Jax does. He forgives people.”
“That doesn’t give you the right to take advantage of him.”
“You’re right, and maybe I’ll have to face a heavy load of karma for this choice, but at least I’ll be able to sleep better knowing that my brother isn’t staying in this prison. I get that you care about him, hell, I’m happy he has someone fighting for him, but I’m fighting for him, too. I’m sorry you can’t see that right now, but over time maybe you will. Goodbye, Kennedy.”
He left me there with the news that I knew was going to destroy the man I loved.
There I was, with the ticking bomb in my hands, which I knew was going to explode Jax’s soul in the worst of ways.
* * *
After I’d told Jax the news about Derek leaving, he didn’t get upset. He didn’t shout and he didn’t breakdown. He seemed…deflated. Numb, almost. As if he rolled through every emotion and was left with complete emptiness.
“I think you to go,” Jax said as we sat on the edge of his bed.
“No, Jax. I’m not going to leave you.”
I kept reassuring him of that fact, but I wasn’t certain he was even hearing me anymore.
He was unplugged from his surroundings, unplugged from his feelings, unplugged from me.
He shifted around as he sat down on his mattress before clearing his throat. “I have to use the bathroom.”
I stood to my feet as he stood. He gave me a weak smile. “You don’t have to follow me to the toilet, Sun. I think I can handle that.”
“Right. Of course. Okay. I’ll be right here waiting.” I sat back down as he walked out of the room. A few moments later, I heard the engine of his truck start up. I dashed to the front door in time to watch him drive away.
* * *
“He hasn’t been answering his phone. I’ve been calling nonstop. It’s been over four hours,” I explained to Yoana the moment she arrived at my place. “I’m really worried.”
“I’m sure he’s okay. He probably needed to clear his mind. Everything that happened was a lot for him.”
“I don’t want him out there alone, though. I want to be there for him. I feel like he needs someone, but he’s pushing everyone away. I know what that hell is like. I pushed you away for a whole year because I knew you would give me comfort, and I didn’t think I deserved it.”
The sadness of that truth stung Yoana’s eyes. “You love him, don’t you?”
I nodded. “With everything I am.”
She gave me a broken smile and nudged me in the arm. “Do you know what you do when you love somebody?”
“What’s that?”
“Love them so much more on their worst days. Jax is hurting, and even though he might not think he does, he needs you. He needs you more than ever before. Do you know what I would do if it was Nathan?”
I waited for her answer.
She stood, walked to the front door, and began putting on her tennis shoes. “I’d search every corner of the world to bring him back home to me. So, let’s go searching.”
I grabbed my shoes, and we were on our way.
35
Jax
“Whiskey,” I muttered, sliding my empty glass toward the bartender. I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting inside that bar. I didn’t know how long I’d been there. I drove off from Kennedy and her comfort because my mind was too messed up. I needed to get away, and when I made it out of town, I realized I had nowhere else to go.
I didn’t know anything else but that damn town.
So, I ended up in Ray’s Bar and Grill, drunk off my ass on a Saturday night. I was officially to the point where the whiskey stopped burning and my thoughts went blank. Good. I didn’t want to feel anything. I didn’t want to deal with the fact that after years of trying to make up for my past mistakes, I’d still failed. I was homeless, with nothing to show for it.
I gave my father everything I had, and he screwed me over. Even though he told me that someday I’d get the land. Even though he swore it would be passed down to me. That was my mistake—believing in a liar. I might as well had believed in Santa Claus.
“You sure you haven’t had enough, Jax?” Ray asked, narrowing his eyes. What was the deal with people naming the restaurants after their first names in this town? Did they lack that much creativity?
Shit.
I was drunk.
“I buried an asshole today, Ray. I co
uld handle more whiskey,” I muttered.
Ray frowned. “Heard about that.” He didn’t offer me his condolences, because he was an honest man. He wasn’t sad that my father had passed away. Didn’t blame him. Yet, he did place my glass back in front of me and leave the whiskey bottle with me.
I raked my hands through my hair that was wild and untamed before pouring myself another glass. I shut off my phone, to avoid Kennedy’s calls that kept coming through. I wasn’t ready to feel good. I wasn’t ready for her love that she was going to give to me.
All I wanted to do was drown in my pathetic truths.
All I wanted was to be left alone.
Unfortunately, I knew that wasn’t going to happen the moment I heard a giggling voice come crashing into the bar. “Oh my gosh, Lars! Stop it,” Amanda snorted.
I glanced over my shoulder to see two Amandas and three Lars’ barging into the place. They were tipsy, obvious, and dancing to the country music that was blaring on the radio. Since when was music playing?
Maybe the whole time.
I blinked a few times and shook my head. Turned out there were only one Amanda and one Lars. Whatever. It didn’t matter.
I went back to my whiskey and tried my best to shake off my annoyance when Lars hollered. “Well, if it isn’t Jax Kilter out at the bar. What a treat for everyone in this place!” he shouted, clapping his hands together.
My chest tightened, but still, I ignored.
“Leave him alone, Lars,” Amanda said. “He’s been through enough today.”
Southern Storms Page 24
