by Sara Summers
“I’m not leaving her.”
The words “not this time” echoed in my mind.
Kina’s happy sigh pulled my attention, and my fists clenched as she relaxed against my brother.
“You were part of the reason she took the drugs in the first place. I love you, but having you here will make her more likely to relapse and I can’t risk that.” Mom’s voice was firm.
“I thought she was fine.” I snarled. “I saw through her eyes, and she was fine. Happy. She has friends, a job, and a safe place to live. If I’d known—“ I choked on the words. “I’m not leaving her again. You can stay too, but I’m not going anywhere.”
Mom looked to dad for help, and he put a hand on my shoulder.
“Son, there are things you don’t understand about your soulmate. She’s more fragile than she seems.”
“That’s even more of a reason for me to stay.”
“She can’t handle losing you again, Rhett. She’s told me so a dozen times, and I watched her crumble the first time. She’s lost too much already.”
She was frustrated, but her frustration couldn’t measure up to mine after three years of fighting to keep myself from running back to my soulmate and begging her to let me back into her life.
“She won’t lose me again. I thought she was better off without me, but I was clearly wrong. I screwed up enough the first time; I won’t do it again.”
“I’m not Rhett. I know we look alike but—“ Stetson’s warning was loud enough that we all heard, even from outside the apartment.
When my eyes slammed shut and I saw my soulmate poised over the top of my brother in her bed, a roar rumbled my chest. I saw red as I pushed past my mom, pounding up the stairs in two large steps.
Hurtling through the apartment I knew like the back of my hand despite never setting foot in it before, I was in the bedroom almost instantly. My arms went around Kina’s waist on autodrive, my grip tight but careful as I yanked her up off of Stetson.
“Nothing was going to happen, man. I—“
“Out.” The word came out a guttural growl.
Stetson left the room, no questions asked.
Kina turned in my arms and stared up at me. She looked sleepy and relaxed; the angry lines that had been on her face the last time she looked at me were gone.
“I missed you.” She murmured, her hand lifting to rest on my cheek. At her words my heart seemed to trip, despite my knowing that she was being controlled by the drugs.
“I missed you too.” I closed my eyes, my head tilting closer to her. Her forehead rose to rest against mine and her nose nestled close the way it had been a hundred times before.
“Lay with me.” She whispered.
I opened my eyes.
“Kina, I—“
“Please.” The wobble in her voice left me with no choice. I could never turn her down.
“Rhett, you need to leave.” My mom stepped into the room and put a hand on Kina’s shoulder.
“No. He can’t leave me again.” Kina’s words were half panicked, half unnaturally calm.
“I won’t hurt her, mom. Trust me. You taught me how to take care of my girl, and this time I’ll make you proud.”
When my mom finally nodded, she brushed a strand of hair out of my soulmate’s face.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
Kina smiled and nodded before she leaned her face into my chest.
“She might try to make a move on you. Don’t take advantage of her, alright?” mom warned.
“I’m right here.” Kina reminded us, though she spaced out, her gaze focusing on the wall and not budging a few seconds late.
“I would never.” My eyes narrowed at the woman who’d raised me.
“Come on.” Kina finally tugged me toward the bed, climbing over to the far side so I had space. Her hand caught mine when I didn’t climb in after her immediately, and she pulled me toward her.
Her skin was warmer than it should’ve been, her cheeks pink and her breathing slow. She didn’t bother pulling the covers over us, just tugging my arm to get me into the position she wanted me, my body spooning hers while my arm draped over her waist.
“You like me more than Perky McPerk, right?” she whispered.
“Perky McPerk?”
“The girl you sing with. Perky McPerk.”
I choked back a laugh. Isla was definitely perky, and would probably laugh at the nickname when she heard it.
“I like you more than anyone else, Kina. Including Isla. She’s just my friend, and you’re my entire world.” I paused. “You watch my videos?”
“Yeah. I always loved hearing you sing.” She murmured. “Will you sing for me?”
“I would do anything for you.”
I didn’t bother asking what song; I already knew the answer to the question, and she hated making decisions anyway. My voice was low as I started singing our song, my eyes closing while I got lost in the memories. Kina was the love of my life no matter how far apart we were or how much time I spent trying to convince myself that staying away from her was the best thing I could do.
A few songs later, Kina was lost to sleep. I was lost to her.
My hand trailed over her silky-soft hair, and I shut my eyes. I’d have to enjoy the few minutes of heaven I had, because the non-drugged version of my soulmate would kick me to the curb faster than I could swim.
KINA
“Get away from me.” I moaned, cradling the toilet and losing my lunch for the third time in as many minutes.”
“I’m not leaving again.” Rhett was pale; he didn’t do well with bodily fluids. Never had.
Still, he was holding my hair back with one hand, which was more than I would’ve expected from him back when we were in high school.
“Leave.” I ordered.
And then puked again, killing whatever force had been behind my words.
“Let me be here for you, baby.” His soft whisper pierced every freaking part of me. I cursed my body for my reaction, even as I was dry-heaving over the toilet.
“You don’t get to-“
Heave,
“Baby me, Rhett.”
Heave.
“I don’t need you.”
“Well I need you.”
If I hadn’t been able to hear the broken honesty in his voice, I would’ve never believed him.
“I haven’t slept since I walked away from you. I’m surviving, but that’s it. I need you.”
“You don’t get to need me.” I was done heaving, so I grabbed the edge of the sink and used it to haul myself to my feet. My legs shook as I rinsed my mouth with water and then mouthwash, my stomach making noises that no stomach should ever make.
“If I’d known what was going on, I never would’ve walked away from you, Kina. Everything was my fault, I thought you’d be better off without me. If I’d known…” he shook his head, standing with his hands formed into fists at his sides.
A humorless laugh shook me.
“I get it. Kennedy told you that I tried to kill myself and suddenly it’s your fault and you get to play knight in shining armor. Well screw you, Rhett! I had anxiety and depression before I met you, I had them after you left, and I’ll have them long after you’re happily married to some perky human girl who—“
His hands closed on my arms, the look in his eyes murderous.
“You tried to kill yourself?”
Oh crap.
Maybe Kennedy hadn’t let that one slip.
I tried to pull my arms from his grip but couldn’t budge.
“You tried to kill yourself and she didn’t tell me?” his jaw was clenched and his muscles were stiff.
“When you chose to walk away from me, you lost the right to know what was going on in my life.” I snapped. My stomach made another horrible noise, and Rhett let go so I could drop to my knees in front of the toilet again. I didn’t puke, but I did moan.
“Here, Kina.” Kennedy sat behind me, handing over a few saltine crackers and a b
ottle of purple Powerade; my favorite color and flavor. She was the only person on the planet who knew any of my favorite things. Maybe that would be concerning to some people, but considering how my life had gone, I just felt lucky.
She started braiding my hair, Rhett standing frozen and tense in the corner of the bathroom.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been worse.” My head leaned up against the edge of the toilet seat, but I wasn’t puking so that was an upgrade from where I’d been a few minutes ago.
“Mom, we need to talk.” Rhett’s voice held barely-contained rage as he took a step out of the bathroom.
“Told him about the near-suicide.” I mumbled. “Sorry.”
Kennedy rubbed my back for a second.
“It’s your story to tell, you don’t need to apologize. I’ll be back in a few minutes. Stetson?” she called out for her oldest son.
“He’s coming too.” Rhett’s voice was deadly. “Calvin?”
The fourth brother was there in an instant, standing in the doorway. He had always been the quiet, thoughtful one. If any of them were staying with me, he was definitely the one I’d choose.
“Stay with her?”
It was more of an order than a question in Rhett’s strangled voice, but I caught Calvin’s nod in the mirror.
Kennedy tied off the end of my long braid with a band she pulled off the counter beside the sink, and then stood. Rhett waited for her to leave before he followed her, and I grabbed his hand to stop him before he could go.
His eyes met mine, and emotions I refused to acknowledge rushed through me. Gosh, I’d missed him so much more than I realized.
“Kennedy is the only person on this planet who loves me. If you hurt her I will end you, soulmate or not.” I glared at him, daring him to disagree.
The pain in his eyes was enough to make me let go of his hand.
“I would never hurt her.”
He left me with Calvin and the toilet and my Powerade then, following his mom out. He and his family exchanged a few words in my living room before the front door opened and shut, leaving me with a silence so heavy it felt like it was pressing down on my chest.
My stomach knotted and made another weird noise but I gripped the edge of the sink again, ready to use it to pull myself up. Before I could, Calvin’s arm wrapped around my waist and he lifted me.
“Why are you helping me?” I mumbled, my world spinning as I stood.
“You’re my sister. And if I was in your shoes, I would want to know what they were saying.” Calvin didn’t hesitate. My heart warmed, and I blamed it on the withdrawal.
We made it into the living room much faster than I would’ve on my own, and Beck handed me a large mixing bowl. I didn’t have to ask to know it was in case I lost my lunch again. Rhett’s entire family minus his parents and Stetson were in the room, so it was me and six boys ranging from thirteen to nineteen years old.
The curtains and window were already open so everyone could watch and hear. The guys were all crowded around the window, not trying to hide their snooping. They scooted over so I could watch too, and for a second, I almost felt like part of the family.
“Did you know?” Rhett snarled at Stetson.
“Not until two minutes ago. I couldn’t keep something like that from you.” Stetson’s hands were lifted in an “I surrender” sort of way. Rhett spun to face his dad.
“But you did.”
“She was in a bad place. We agreed that if you brought her up or tried to visit we would tell you what happened, but you never did. It was healthier for both of you not to bring it up.” Grant, Kennedy’s soulmate, didn’t seem worried by his son’s anger. I guess having eight sons had made him immune to angry outbursts.
“You were the one who chose to walk away, Rhett. We didn’t agree with your decision but we did respect your right to make it. We deserve the same respect.” Kennedy warned. “If you finally want to make things right with Kina, you can come back in a few days when she’s out of withdrawal and ask if she’ll give you another chance. For now, you need to leave.”
Rhett’s fists clenched, and I waited for him to throw the punch. He’d never punch one of his family members, but he’d punched a dozen walls when we were together back in high school.
It never came. Instead, his fists unclenched and he turned to look up at the window, his eyes meeting mine through the screen for a brief second before he turned back to his parents.
“I’m never walking away from her again.”
With that, he started back toward the apartment.
I scrambled toward my room, nauseous and sweaty, but my racing heart had nothing to do with the drugs. Slamming my bedroom door just as my soulmate reentered the apartment, I twisted the lock and sank to the floor. I was a wreck. Addiction told me that another hit of heroin would fix me right up, but I knew that was a lie.
My fingers itched to text Josh, to tell him to send one of his guys over. So when I grabbed my phone, I pulled up the group chat and ignored the worried texts.
I typed up a quick message, telling them that I was okay but that I would be at the church building in a twenty minutes if anyone could meet me. They started responding immediately, but I shut off my phone and slid it under my bed just in case I got the urge to text Josh again. At least there, I’d have to work to grab it.
There were a few knocks at the door. Part of me prayed it was Rhett, but I bashed that part down with logic as fast as I could.
“Kina? Can I come in?” Kennedy called out.
I unlocked the door and scooted over to let her in quickly, then closed and locked it again. She took one look at me and pulled her phone out of her pocket. A few seconds later, her phone was hooked up to the speaker in my kitchen and she had music playing. The music would keep out her sons’ snooping ears, so I appreciated it.
Tears leaked from my eyes so I slammed them shut.
Kennedy sat beside me, draping her arm over my shoulder. I leaned into her, sick and angry and frustrated. More than that, though, I was sad. I had finally been starting to feel like I was okay again, like I was healed and healthy and maybe even happy. Then Josh went and injected me, and Rhett was back, and I…
Well, I needed a whole lot more therapy.
And another dose of heroin.
Okay, no to the heroin, but yes to the therapy. Always therapy, never drugs.
“He’s not going to leave, is he?”
“I don’t think so.” Kennedy sighed. “He still loves you. I didn’t think he did, but Kina, the way he looks at you… I don’t think he’s as okay as he had me convinced. I should’ve pushed harder.”
“You did what you thought was best.” I shut my eyes, willing the tears to stop rolling. They didn’t. “He seems different now. Harder, almost damaged. Like me.” I opened my eyes to see her response.
“You’re not damaged.” She narrowed her eyes at me, and I shut mine again. “And neither is he. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe you need each other.”
“I can’t need him.” I snapped, opening my eyes and standing up rapidly. The world swam and I caught myself on the wall and door before I collapsed again. “He’ll stay until I’m too wrapped up in him to lose him, and then he’ll leave me again. I won’t survive it a second time, Kennedy. I swear, I won’t.”
“He’s not the same person he was when you were seventeen. I think you should talk to him, give him a chance to explain. Maybe you should’ve talked back when everything fell apart.”
“I have to get ready.” I let go of the wall and headed to the bathroom. I’d looked like a wreck before the drugs, so afterward… well, if there was a zombie apocalypse, no one would suspect I wasn’t undead. “I’ve got a meeting in fifteen minutes.”
“That’s good.” Kennedy followed me. My greasy hair hung in a neat braid thanks to Kennedy, so I attacked it with a little dry shampoo. A makeup remover cloth stripped my face of the smudged and streaked eyeliner and mascara, and I didn’t bother wit
h more makeup.
I brushed my teeth and swished some mouthwash before heading to my closet, where I put on clean underwear and pulled on a pair of black leggings. I considered my favorite fuzzy black sweater, but since I felt like crap I grabbed a hot pink one instead. Hopefully, the bright color would make me feel less sucky.
One last glance in the mirror showed that I still looked like death had caught on pink fire, but there was nothing else I could do.
I didn’t bother with shoes, heading out into the apartment barefoot and nauseous and swaying a little but managing to stay upright.
Rhett and his whole family were still in my living room, spread between the couch and the kitchen table. I didn’t know what to say to them, so I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my puke bowl and my Powerade. As I stepped up to grab my purse and keys, Rhett threw the strap over his shoulder and picked up his keys. My car was still parked outside the church that loaned us one of their classrooms for our meetings.
Everyone in the room tensed, waiting for me to rip him a new one. I considered it; he deserved it, right? But I was tired, and something inside me knew without doubt that he wouldn’t be leaving my side in the semi-near future.
“I’ll drive you.” His eyes met mine, daring me to disagree.
“Whatever.”
After stuffing the saltine crackers in my purse, I left the apartment. Kennedy would lock up if she left, but I didn’t think she’d be leaving for a while either.
Rhett followed me out to his car, and neither of us spoke as he pulled away. I told him when to turn, not that he seemed to need my instructions. When we parked beside my old junker car, his hand found my knee and I froze.
“Kina…” He raked a hand through his hair, and I took in his wrinkled tuxedo pants and white button-down. He hadn’t changed since the wedding, and if he wasn’t leaving my side probably wouldn’t for a while.
“I can’t do this right now.” I said, completely sincere. My eyes met his, and the guilt in his gaze made me want to cry. “After the meeting, we can talk. Probably. You can say what you want, at least, and I’ll try to listen. But right now I need to be in there, and you can’t come with me.”
