Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  Gan smiled. “My employer will see you now.” He opened the door and bowed, the smile warm on his face. “I wish you luck.”

  I smiled back, and Orion guided me forward with a hand on my shoulder. We entered a spacious drawing room with a polished rectangular table. Tapestries, paintings and vases of lore surrounded the walls around the room, each article having its own small light illuminating it as if on display at a museum.

  A figure stood at the front of the room. I’m no purveyor of fine clothes, but I could tell the cut of his suit was very select, very expensive. I couldn’t see the man’s face, but he had wide shoulders and a slight stoop, although for all I knew he could have been slouching forward.

  He spoke, and his words were hoarse and guttural. “Ganymede. The door.”

  The room’s sole lighting came from the gentle exhibition lights on the artifacts along the walls. It was kind of eerie. Also a little exciting. Gan closed the door and stood in the shadows somewhere by the door.

  Beside me, I could just make out the whites of Orion’s alert eyes darting through the darkness, checking for threats. Being the ex-special forces gal that I was, I’d already committed the layout to memory as I stepped inside.

  “My apologies for the lighting,” the figure at the head of the table said. “My eyes aren’t what they used to be. Bright lights irritate them.”

  Weren’t the lights just on though …?

  “And I hope it is not a problem that I wish to remain anonymous?” He worded it as a question, but gave us no time to protest. “I am pleased that you are both interested in this job,” he continued. “However, this is a special job, and I wish to ascertain that you both have what it takes before I share any details.”

  “A test?” Orion said.

  “A test? Hm. Yes, I guess you could put it that way. Word of warning, you must both pass it in order to advance to hearing the job description.”

  I punched Orion lightly on the shoulder in the dark. “What do you say?”

  Orion didn’t say anything for a few moments, and I found myself wishing I had told him about my dire money situation back in the truck on the way over here. Sure, this job offer was starting to get a little sketchier by the minute … but this girl needed money. A lot of it. Finally Orion said, “Sure,” and I relaxed a bit.

  If only I’d known what was coming next, I might have turned and ran for the door.

  “An Aptitude Test Sure to Weed Out Bad Applicants”

  Gan appeared at my side without a sound and slipped something heavy and leather-bound into my hands. I hefted it. It felt like a book—a real whopper of one, too. Something I might have found on my father’s bookshelf when I was younger.

  I heard the identical sound of a heavy tome dropping into Orion’s hands beside me.

  Our prospective employer took a deep breath and said, “You have each been given a book. On the count of three you may open it, and your test will begin.”

  Reading a book in the dark? What kind of test was this? Now I’d seen it all …

  “One. Two. Three.”

  I opened the book.

  The first thing I realized was that it was dark. Much darker than when I had gripped the book’s cover and turned to a random page around the middle. Also, I was no longer holding the book.

  I blinked but could discern no difference in the amount of light with my eyes open or closed. I swept my hand cautiously to the side, but it passed right through where Orion had been standing before I’d opened the book. My hands instinctively went to my shoulders, but I wasn’t wearing my bizarro protective shoulder pads.

  “Simon? Garfunkel?” I tried to say, but all that came out was a muffled mumbling. It was like when you’re having a nightmare and you know it’s a nightmare. And you can almost see your body from the outside while some horror unfolds before you, but your lips are held tight as if by wire. And then you wake up, aware that you had just been making those strange sounds you heard moments before on the fringes of unconsciousness. Also, you need a shower because you’re covered in sweat.

  Yeah, it was like that. Except I didn’t wake up.

  And still, I was sure it was a dream. But how? I’d simply opened a book …

  Skritchhh …

  The sound came from somewhere up ahead, and my body moved blindly forward as if I was a camera on a rail system and not a human with legs.

  Scratchhh …

  This time it came from the side and I turned, but too late.

  Something lurched toward me with frightening speed, its furry coat shimmering with a whitish, phosphorescent, almost powdery glow. It resembled a small rabbit with a mouth full of sharpened teeth, its paws spinning in a flurry of claws. I urged myself to move and my entire being seemed to shake free from its nightmare sludge. I bent simultaneously at the waist and the knees, my body moving like a blow-up man at a car dealership, my arms sliding to the side as the creature passed me like a rabid tornado.

  I spun to the invisible floor, catching myself on my palms as a flat, shiny, transparent plane surfaced like an iceberg on a dark sea. My wrist stung; I gritted my teeth, on my hands and knees. I must not have been as quick as I’d hoped. That damned creature thing had taken off some skin and it felt like it was bleeding. At least I’d moved when I had, or that thing would have bored a hole right through my body …

  Where the hell am I?

  I picked myself up in the dark hell I now found myself in as I staggered from side to side. I saw no sign of my aggressor and tried to remember what it had been. Some drugged-up rabbit experiment? It didn’t make sense.

  How’d I get here again?

  I called out to Simon and Garfunkel, but again all that came out was a garbled mess of choked-off consonants. Some small part of me started to panic.

  Then I remembered the book in my hands. The book that was no longer there.

  As if triggered by my realization, the world around me started to materialize. The floor was a solid sheet of transparent ground shimmering like a razor. There seemed to be no walls in this place. The flat plane beneath my feet stretched out endlessly in all directions. I was all alone, except that up ahead I could see something. Like a blip on the horizon. And diaphanous gray smoke now swirled like a distant fog in the darkness from below, to the side and above me.

  Skritchhh!

  The sound again. Behind me.

  I threw one glance over my shoulder, saw it was a horde of the toothy fluffies and booked it forward, making a bee line toward the blip now growing larger and larger until I saw it was a plastic playground one might find at a park. Except it was made of clear plastic, and shimmered like the surface of the floor.

  Weird.

  I stole one last look behind me, said, “Shit” (okay, actually I said Mrrphgghhh!) and leapt toward a glimmering cargo net hanging off the side of the playground.

  My fingers clutched the clear rope and my body slumped forward against the slack in the netting. As soon as my sneakers found purchase, I propelled myself upward as the first of the torpedo-rabbit creatures shredded through the rope.

  What the hell?

  I pushed myself up and crawled through a narrow plastic tunnel that seemed to close in on me the farther I got—I’m not sure if it was because I was slightly claustrophobic or if it was the darkness seeming to press in on me from all sides, compressing my waist and chest like a corset.

  I started panting as I crawled on hands and knees, scurrying as multiple somethings connected with the soles of my shoes—and I felt something tearing its way through my soles, eating my shoes.

  Seriously, what the hell!

  I remember thinking, what if more of those creatures were waiting for me at the other end?

  The tunnel was getting narrower to the point where my hips got stuck.

  Crap!

  Whatever was at by backside was shredding through my shoes—my new shoes! And then something snapped in me.

  No one messes with my shoes.

  I kicked backward like som
e feral beast.

  Eeekkk!

  Ackkk!

  How do you like that, you furry little bastards!

  I kicked out again behind me and pushed forward. I felt myself gain some small amount of ground, and I pushed one more time as if I was … birthing myself.

  Gross …

  And then I pitched forward and landed upon another flat surface outside of the tunnel. I turned back at the furry tornado of death propelling itself toward me.

  I reacted instinctively. It was too late to dodge; I threw my hands up in the typical karate stance to protect my face, and when the creature connected with my forearms I gripped a tuft of its fur and spiraled off to the side, wrenching the creature off my skin and chucking it like a shotput. The creature flew away with a diminishing Wheeee!

  The tunnel thumped, and I saw the forms of more creatures lurching and hiking toward me.

  I clambered to my feet, teetering awkwardly on my chewed-up soles. Directly in front of me was a pole—and not your typical slide-down-me-like-a-fire-station pole you might find at a playground. This one was meant to be climbed.

  The noise in the tunnel grew louder. I jumped and latched onto the shimmering, transparent pole with my hands, hoping I still had some traction with my impaired soles. Lucky for me, whatever substance was in my shoe soles had great grip, and I was up the pole in no time thanks to my daily training regime and skills gained from military boot camp.

  Ahead of me was an enclosed plastic slide that I couldn’t see the bottom of.

  Skritchhh!

  I dove head-first.

  I toppled out face-first onto another shimmering, transparent floor. Far above me came the echoing cries of the creatures swirling down the slide after me.

  These things don’t quit!

  I picked myself up and realized I stood at the edge of a drop-off. Glancing across the canyon of swirling darkness, I could see the other side, but it was like thirty yards away. But it was totally cool—spanning the distance was a mind-bendingly long set of translucent monkey bars.

  Seriously?

  I flexed my fingers and leapt out over the drop-off, skipping the first couple bars to get a head start.

  Wheee!

  I turned in mid arm stride as a creature spun at me from the side like a dart. I swung backward like a pendulum, and continued onward when the coast was clear.

  But that wasn’t the only creature to come spitting at me.

  Wheee!

  I dodged it. Continued on.

  Wheee!

  Wheee!

  Whee—

  I kicked the last one right across the furry cheek and swung forward off the last bar, sticking a rolling land I wish Orion could have seen just because it was so slick.

  Oh well. I’d settle for surviving this nightmare.

  I broke into a sprint toward some bright red light beams up ahead, braking awkwardly on my chunky shoes when I realized what the light show was: lasers. Freaking lasers.

  Scratchhh!

  I didn’t even turn to look at the horde which had somehow crossed the monkey bar gap. I just stood there for another moment studying the pattern of the crisscrossing lasers. It looked like the quintessential scene from any heist movie, the one where the thief is inside or just outside the vault and it’s protected by red gleaming lasers.

  This isn’t even making sense …

  Skritchhh!

  I darted forward, stepping over a tripwire and ducking under another at about chest-height. Then I turned sideways and twisted, maneuvering through two horizontal beams. After that I dropped to the floor and rolled under a few more lasers before bypassing several more. And then I was through.

  I turned and looked back as the horde reached the start of the laser maze.

  Eeekkk!

  Ahhhh!

  I stood and watched as the furry killer creatures ignited and caught flame, the lasers incinerating them as they rushed headlong through the maze to try to get at me.

  Good riddance …

  I turned and brushed my hands together like one might do after completing an arduous mission.

  Clang.

  I raised my hands, my biceps tensing with the weight of two glowing iron hand axes that had suddenly manifested in my palms.

  And before me, teetering toward me in lurching steps like some giant maniacal furry nutcracker was a supersized version of the tornado creatures. Smoke unfurled from its twin-bored nostrils as it clomped closer.

  And closer …

  Oh crap …

  I was still hacking and slashing, dodging and weaving even though the goliath furball was already down for the count when I was forcibly sucked back to reality by which I mean the dark drawing room with the lit-up artifacts on the walls.

  “Huh? What?” I was still disoriented and ready to kick someone or something’s ass. But instead of axes, I now held the heavy book in my hands.

  The lights undimmed slightly and I saw Orion’s still body lying on the floor next to me, his face pale. At first I was certain he was dead and then he coughed up some water (water? How the hell did he get water in his lungs?) and pushed himself up into a seated position. I sighed. Realized I was shaking.

  “What happened?” Simon said. My shoulder pad was soaked through with his tears.

  “Yeah,” Garfunkel said. “Your heartrate was spiking through the roof!”

  I’d never heard such concern in Garfunkel’s voice. It was equally surprising and appreciated, but before I could respond, my potential employer’s raspy voice cut through the darkness and confusion like a karate chop to the carotid.

  “I do apologize for the … discomfort of the test. And I understand if you are angry with me. But I hope you realize I had to test your worth.”

  I was still trying to catch my breath. I doubled forward so that I was suspended over my knees with my palms over the book. “What was that? Some kind of living nightmare?”

  “Of a sort. Perhaps you’ve heard of the Rasputin tomes?”

  I shook my head.

  “They manifest one’s greatest fears on a plane where they can be tested and overcome.”

  This kind of confused me. Sure, I was a little claustrophobic. But since when was I afraid of hybrid rabbit monsters? And playgrounds? Sheesh. My childhood wasn’t that messed up. Or was it …?

  “Did we pass?” I asked before I could travel too deep into the rabbit hole that was my thoughts. (I had rabbits on the mind …) I blinked, my disoriented senses still expecting a furry tornado to launch itself at me at any time.

  My potential employer said, “Let’s just say I’m ready to talk about the job. If you’re still interested.”

  I glanced at Orion, wringing water from his hair. “In for a penny?”

  He sighed. Picked himself up slowly. Cautiously.

  I turned to where I gauged my future boss to be standing in the darkness. “Talk.”

  “Dolla Dolla Bills Y’All!”

  “I want you to procure an item for me. It is old and powerful and I must make it a point that you are not to unwrap the object or even look upon it. It shall be in a cask in a storeroom and marked with this insignia.”

  Gan appeared at my side without a word (OK, really starting to get creepy now …) and slipped a scrap of paper into my hand and Orion’s. On it was a rough sketch of what looked like a volcano surrounded by lightning bolts.

  “The storeroom in question is located in a series of abandoned subway tunnels under NYC. In the Elleway Transit Line. Perhaps you’ve heard of it before.”

  I hadn’t, but Orion must have because he swallowed hard beside me.

  “Whose storeroom is it?” I asked.

  “A man by the name of Typhon.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “The biggest underground Other crime lord in NY?”

  “The same. I understand if this knowledge changes things …”

  “No,” I said before Orion could interrupt me. I needed this job.

  “Then allow me to tell you how much I’m off
ering for your service.”

  “Yes please,” I said.

  “Two hundred and fifty thousand American dollars.”

  My stomach tensed. “Five hundred,” I said, part of me cursing myself for looking a gift horse in the mouth.

  “Five hundred thousand,” my employer repeated simply. “It is done. Shall I draw up the contract?”

  Shit, I thought. I should have asked for more!

  “We need to discuss the timeframe first,” Orion said, glaring at me in the darkness.

  “I was going to get to that,” I whispered back—which had been a lie. All I was seeing was glowing gold dollar signs floating about my head in the dark like little cherubs.

  “Of course,” our employer said, and I heard his hands clasp together. “I am willing to allot you a week’s time to prepare. Would that be sufficient?”

  The voice of the debt collector echoed in my mind. “You have until the end of the day to make a payment …”

  “How about we do the job tomorrow night?” I said. “And we get an advance right now.”

  Our employer’s silence suggested he was thinking about it. Finally he said, “Tomorrow night would be perfect as there is an underground arena fight that could conceal your activities nicely. I’ll leave it to you to figure out how to get in and out.” He paused. “As for the advance, I choose to decline. Not because I can’t afford it. But because I don’t believe in payment before the job is complete.”

  Reasonable … but dangerous for me as I’d never worked with this new boss before. With the extensive resources at his disposal, his refusal was a bit sketchy … as was the dim lighting and his handsome yet creepily stealthy butler Gan.

  “What about expenses?” I huffed. “Equipment, gear, travelling …”

  “I believe 500K will be more than sufficient to cover any expenses incurred. Or do you wish to tempt my generosity?”

  “No,” Orion said quickly. “Uh Theo, may I share a word with you?” He whispered in my ear. “Are you crazy?”

  “Just desperate,” I said. Now I would have to call Larry back and beg for a few more days’ extension. It was a longshot, but it was my best hope. I just had to smooth things over with Orion first.