Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  “Dunno. Sucks for you though because you only have a few more hours to send the payment.”

  I sensed Larry was about to hang up. Obviously, he hadn’t read the same negotiation book as me. “Wait. Fine, I’ll do it. I’ll rescue your cat. What’s the address?”

  “Cat Heist”

  As it turned out, Larry’s ex-girlfriend didn’t live too far from the infamous meatpacking district that housed the entrance to Typhon’s underground arena. Infamous isn’t exactly the right word. One of the most unsafe neighborhoods in NY would be more appropriate. I wanted to scope it out, but I didn’t have much time left before Larry’s deadline, and I couldn’t afford to lose that investment.

  In short, Larry had me metaphorically, by the balls.

  I approached his girlfriend’s apartment building and rubbed my palms together. Strategy time …

  “There’s still time to turn away from this,” Simon said. “You haven’t done anything illegal yet.”

  “Who said I was going to do anything illegal?” I said as I pulled a ballcap from my clutch and tucked it over my eyes. An elderly lady on the sidewalk gave me the stink-eye and continued on her way.

  “You mean you’re not going to steal the nice lady’s cat?” Simon asked with puppy-dog eyes, his hands clasped in front of him like a caroler.

  I didn’t know yet. I needed to get the lay of the land first. There was a chance Larry’s ex had already gotten rid of the stupid cat. And if she still had it, maybe she’d willingly give it to me if I asked really nicely. (Never discount the power of please.) And who knows, if I was lucky, maybe the cat wouldn’t take a swipe at me like most cats.

  Anyways, reconnaissance …

  It was a typical brick apartment building, six or seven stories, and Larry’s ex lived on the fourth floor. Access to the building consisted of a main door out front and a side door on the adjoining sides. All three doors led to a central foyer with an elevator and a stairwell along the east and west walls. The doors were unlocked by a key FOB.

  Beige fire escape ladders and landings clung to the back of the building like scaffolding. And Larry’s ex lived in one of the rooms facing them.

  Bingo!

  I made my way to the back alley and stood beneath the bottom of the slide-down ladder. My neck hairs suddenly stood up the way they do when I was being watched, but I couldn’t see anyone. “Garfunkel, is someone watching us?”

  Garfunkel always had a sixth sense for reading the environment. He was able to notice tiny details that often got me out of a jam. “Nah, I don’t see anyone.”

  I shook my head. That was good enough for me; it was probably just nerves. Who knew a simple cat heist could make me so jumpy? Of course, I knew it wasn’t the mission but the outcome of the mission that weighed so heavily on me. I couldn’t lose my … investment.

  The ladder above me was just out of my reach, but there was a dumpster close enough off to the side that I figured I could leap off the top and grab hold of the bottom rung. I climbed atop the dumpster, told my familiars to hang on and jumped.

  One of my hands just barely latched onto the bottom rung, suspending me from the ladder like the “Hang in there” kitten meme. Thanks to my military training and daily running regimen, I was fit enough to haul the rest of myself up to the ladder so I could climb to the second level. Then I ascended the next couple sets of stairs until I reached the fourth-floor landing.

  As I got my bearings, I saw someone down at ground level eyeing me smugly. He was difficult to miss, with that sky blue bandana and spider tattoo covering half his face. The sun glinted off the tattoos on his bare arms.

  Oh great, just your friendly neighborhood Brotherhood of Zeus gang member … I glanced at the inside of my forearm. My tracking sigil wasn’t glowing and it wasn’t hurting like hellfire. Must just be checking up on me. I sighed. At least it wasn’t an enemy. Or her …

  “I thought you said no one was watching,” I whispered in the direction of my left shoulder.

  With a yawn, Garfunkel said, “Those tattoos must keep him warded from me.”

  “Yeah, but you’re my Other detector. Magic is Other-y.”

  Garfunkel just shrugged.

  I waved down at the Brotherhood of Zeus gang member. He didn’t wave back, just disappeared into the shadows of an alley.

  Spooky.

  I crept toward Larry’s ex-girlfriend’s window. Garfunkel didn’t even try to hide his interest. He had the keenest eyesight of my two familiars. And the way his eyes were narrowing … Well, it usually wasn’t a good thing …

  Careful to stay off to the side of the window to conceal myself from anyone inside glancing out, I peered into the apartment. There was a hardwood floor, a dresser … and a plastic pet carrier resting just outside of a doorway. I couldn’t tell if there was a cat in it so I leaned in closer for a better view.

  And that’s when the palm of a bare hand smacked against the inside of the glass and my gut tensed. Simon made a shrill noise and luckily didn’t fall off my shoulder.

  “I’ve seen this movie before!” he belted out. “There’s a killer inside and we’re all gonna die!”

  I turned to Garfunkel. His demeaner was hungry and voyeuristic, and I had a good idea why. Inching forward, I could now see that I was looking in on a bedroom, and on the bed below the window were two writhing figures masked by thin bedsheets.

  Some light dirt pattered onto my shoulder but I disregarded it.

  “Yeah baby yeah …” Garfunkel said in a parody of Austin Powers.

  Ew. Gross. The two figures on the bed were starting to take shape as my eyes adjusted.

  “Theo above you!” Simon blurted out.

  I looked up but it was too late. The shadowy figure descended from the landing above me like a spider, hitting me with a flying punch that sent me backward against the waist-high rail …

  I might have toppled backward over the rail had my assailant not grabbed me by the jacket and pulled me back so she could punch me again.

  I didn’t let her. I blocked it but she landed another blow before I gripped the rail behind me with both hands, boosted my legs up and planted a boot against her abdomen, sending her to the opposite side of the fire escape landing.

  She gave a wicked laugh, wiping her mouth with the back of one of her fingerless gloves, the movement ruffling her silvery blonde hair pulled back behind her head. A black facemask concealed the woman’s mouth and nose and her eyes flickered like pale fire. She was wearing an outfit akin to a ninja’s—dark, lots of leather straps and pouches and slots.

  Oh, and she had four arms.

  “Theo!” her muffled voice cut across the landing punctuated by vehicles honking on the streets four stories below.

  It was her. Lucy. My ex-partner. And in each of her four hands was a throwing star glimmering with the cold rays of the winter noon sun.

  I had good reflexes, but well …

  Crap …

  “Kung Fu Goddess Bodyguard”

  I stared at my old partner. There wasn’t much else I could do. I certainly wasn’t going to beg. We hadn’t parted on the best of terms but killing me …? That seemed an overreaction.

  Overreaction or not, she was a killer and a way, way, waaay better fighter than me. If I was going to survive this night, I needed to do what I did best.

  Escape (usually with the goods). But if I was going to escape, I needed to buy myself some time while I figured out a plan.

  “The hell was that for?” I blurted out as I felt at my sore jaw.

  Lucy laughed. “Theo, I’ve missed your aggression.”

  “I’m not aggressive,” I said. Oh, who was I kidding? Leopards can’t change their spots and all that jazz. If I was going to die, I was going down swinging. I took a step forward.

  “And I don’t have four arms,” Lucy chuckled. She relaxed her arms still poised for action, sliding her throwing stars into their respective pouches. Her movements were quick and yet equally calculating, like that of a grasshopper
or a karate master. But while she was now weaponless, she was far from “not deadly” in her relaxed stance. Lucy was a GoneGodDamned reincarnation of the bodyguard of an Indian goddess. Imagine Xenia Warrior Princess with throwing stars instead of a chakram. And four arms.

  Also, from a different mythology.

  “Then why the sneak attack sucker punch?” I asked.

  Lucy advanced with impossibly light footfalls and took a practice swing at me which I easily dodged. Then she threw a kick at my side, which I caught, and then she grabbed my jacket collar and slammed me against the apartment’s brick wall, just to the side of the bedroom window. I fell to my hands and knees on the landing, wondering if Midge and her new boyfriend heard the commotion from inside.

  Probably not.

  I turned to my familiars as I got back up.

  “Guys, get in your shoulder pads, both of you. Weather’s about to get choppy. You know, cloudy with a high chance of choice words and probable violence …” I turned to Lucy. “What’s this about?”

  Two of Lucy’s hands were clasped in front of her, a smile on her face. “Us, Theo. It’s about us.”

  I lashed out with a punch and Lucy didn’t even try to dodge it as she pushed toward me, sending a hard jab into my side with one fist, and then pressing my back against the wall with her two top arms. Her eyes bored into mine like vengeful stars. She had me helpless like a bug caught in a spider’s web.

  There just wasn’t much room to move around on the landing, and she had me pinned with two fists to spare. Note to self: Never bring two fists to a four-fisted fight …

  So not fair …

  “OK,” I said. “You obviously want something from me. So let’s talk.”

  “You really going to play stupid?”

  I tapped my shoes impatiently upon the landing. Lucy and I had been partners in crime (literally) for over two years before I realized how much of a liability (AKA crazy woman) she was and severed ties with her. These exact conversation skills were one of the reasons for the split. See, I may be bad with selecting the right words in any given situation, but Lucy was bad at using any words at all. A flurry of Chuck Norris moves was her idea of a friendly chat, whether it be with me, her partner, or a hapless security guard while on a mission. It should be no surprise that after our split, Lucy and I hadn’t kept in touch.

  I kicked out at her but she blocked it.

  She shook her head disappointedly. “You haven’t changed.”

  “And I still don’t know why the hell you’ve been following me over the past couple days like some psycho bitch.”

  Her glare turned to one of knowing. “You really don’t know, do you?”

  “That’s literally what I just said.”

  She scoffed, and I made my move, chopping one of her wrists holding me back against the wall. It wasn’t that hard to squirm away from her other hand holding me in place, and I even deflected her next blow. But in my attempt to carefully watch her four arms suspended over me like pissed-off snakes, I neglected her legs, and one swept up and caught me on the side of the leg, just behind the knee. I collapsed to my knee as she brought her other foot up at my head. I managed to intercept it with a last-second raise of my forearm, but the impact drove me sideways under the rail so that the upper half of my body was now hanging out over four stories of nothingness.

  Fact: I might be just a little scared of heights. Who wouldn’t be four stories up with nothing to steady yourself on?

  “Ahh!” Simon screamed.

  I felt Lucy catch me by the back of my jacket, giving me time to grab onto the rail above me. Then I kicked backward, my foot connecting with Lucy’s thigh, but before I could wriggle away, two of Lucy’s hands clamped around my neck, cutting off my air.

  “So you feel … I betrayed you …” I gasped out as my eyes continued to take in the drop-off. “And that makes you angry … Is that an … accurate statement?”

  I sucked in a breath, and Lucy said something, but I didn’t hear any of it. My attention was on the alleyway opening four stories below where Spider Face was glancing up at me, the tattoos on one of his bare arms glowing a bluish white and surging with electricity.

  There was a deep rumbling and then a sudden, painful-sounding Crackkk! as a GoneGodDamned thunderbolt screamed up at us from Spider Face’s palms.

  Lucy’s grip on my neck relaxed as she took a step backward and dodged to the side while the lightning bolt careened just over the rail (and Lucy’s head!). It exploded against the side of the building like an artillery strike, chunks of bricks and glass shards spraying over my shoulders and showering down to ground level.

  Kameno tost!

  There was another thundering crackkk and I glanced up in time to see a second thunderbolt detonating where Lucy had just been standing, the explosion flicking up her jagged silhouette against the blackened brick wall like a giant camera flash.

  Lucy cursed and limped away from me down the landing, clambering up onto the rail and making a desperate leap toward a fire escape farther down the building, latching onto a metal rail with two slender but muscular arms as she swung herself downward, another of her hands pulling her to the safety of a grated fire escape landing.

  Then she was gone.

  I glanced down at Spider Face but he was nowhere to be seen. Talk about having a guardian angel …

  As I picked myself up and saw the melted metal connecting the fire escape to the damaged brick wall, I considered how lucky I was that I hadn’t somehow been electrocuted. Magic, I guess …

  And then I realized I was looking right into the bedroom of Larry’s ex through the gaping hole that used to be a window and sturdy brick wall.

  A stunningly gorgeous, bare-chested redhead stared back at me with huge eyes and a gaping mouth, and I thought, Damn, Larry, you messed up letting her get away. I mean, wow, what a catch …

  The young man sitting up next to Midge on the bed looked equally dumbstruck. My bizarre shoulder pads probably didn’t help.

  “Wha-what do you want?” Midge asked me, pulling a bedsheet up to cover her front.

  “Your cat,” I said, somehow with a straight face.

  She stared at me for a few moments in silence before scrambling from the bed, picking up the cat carrier in the other room and thrusting it at me through the enlarged bedroom wall. A cat meowed from inside the carrier.

  “Really?” I said, feeling equal parts awkward and surprised at how easy it had been. I also felt a little bad because of the whole “stealing” thing.

  Midge shook her head. “It was a gift from my ex.” She glanced apologetically at her current partner and then turned back to me. “You can have it. I don’t even like cats. I think I’m allergic to them.”

  Great. So this meant I wasn’t technically stealing. Maybe Simon would be able to sleep tonight.

  “Cool,” I said, hefting the cat cage in my hand out on the landing. I pointed over my shoulder. “I’m just going to go now. OK?”

  Midge nodded, and her boyfriend muttered, “And I’m going to call the cops.”

  Crap.

  I turned, and the fire escape lurched, probably something to do with the fixture to the building being melted. Definitely wouldn’t pass a building inspection …

  I was about to proceed down the zigzagging metal stairs when the landing shook again and I inserted a leg into Midge’s room instead, ducking under the jagged window frame.

  A thick patina of dust covered the bedroom and I had to step over chunks of brick. I smiled weakly as I said, “So sorry about that,” and proceeded to the front door.

  “Exes and Ohs”

  Once in the fourth floor hallway, I was nearly knocked down by one of Midge’s neighbors fleeing toward the elevator. I guess that’s what you do when a tattooed gang member decides to throw lightning bolts at your apartment building in the middle of the day.

  Why pull the fire alarm when you can cause a fire for real? Of course, the magic thunderbolt strikes hadn’t caused a fire, but it had
had the same effect. All I had to do now was play the part of just another confused tenant trying to vacate the building with her cat. Up ahead, a group of tenants crowded around the elevator.

  “Stairs, Theo,” Simon intoned.

  “Geez, mom. I know,” I said.

  I pulled my ball cap lower over my eyes as I made my way past them. Simon drew out a miniature Ken ball cap of his own from his shoulder pad while Garfunkel donned a pair of pink Hello Kitty sunglasses.

  “Guys, no one can see you,” I reminded them.

  “Just getting in character,” Simon said.

  “And those sunglasses look ridiculous on you,” I told Garfunkel as I opened the door to the stairwell.

  “Oh, you like it.”

  And I did. Although I’d never admit to it. Hello Kitty was the only cat that didn’t try to claw me. Gimme a break. I can like some girly things …

  Oddly there wasn’t anyone else in the stairwell and I maneuvered down the narrow stairs smelling of dust and uninsulated coldness without getting into another fight or even blowing up a wall.

  The police were pulling up to the apartment with their sirens blaring as I exited the apartment. Simon and Garfunkel were covering their ears, and I feared for Larry’s cat. He might be mad with me if I returned a deaf cat to him. I lifted the carrier up so I could peer in at the cat for the first time since taking possession of it.

  She was gray-striped with a pink collar; Luna was the name hanging from her silver tag. Even though Midge didn’t like cats, Luna looked healthy and meowed pleasantly despite the droning sirens as I regarded her. Maybe she was already deaf.