Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  Another ghost stepped up to me, his hair slicked back, a cap in his hands in front of his belly. “I’ll help—”

  “Silence!” LK roared.

  I turned. LK’s cloudy eyes were somehow wide and bloodshot, his face full of splotchy holes and his garments tattered. His body seemed wider, too. And taller, like he’d huffed and puffed himself into a slightly larger version of himself.

  “I found her first. Theo, I shall play your game but only if I get to choose it.”

  “OK. Sure. What do you—”

  “Russian Roulette.”

  “Russian Roulette—What Could Possibly Go Wrong?”

  As I stood back to back with LK in the ghost pub, I reflected that if there was one thing ghosts liked as much as their alcohol, it was their guns. Nearly all the ghosts gathered here had guns strapped under their translucent clothing. Wyatt Earp supplied the revolver for the “game”, handing it over to me with a wink after inserting a ghostly cartridge and spinning the chamber.

  I wasn’t winking back though. I was too young to die. Sure, I’d been known to take a lot of risks in my profession, but leaving my life up to a game of Russian Roulette? Always think on the bright side of life … At least I had a 50% chance of … winning.

  And I’d already tried to back out of it and select some random ghost for the job. Apparently I could not back out of the “game”.

  “The rules are simple,” Earp said. “You each pull the trigger until one of you loses.”

  I stared down at the gun in my hand, the polished metal glowing with spiraling, spectral tendrils. I knew it was a ghost gun, but it was heavy like a real gun and I figured it could do just as much damage as a real gun. A glance at my watch showed my time was running out. This was my best chance at getting a new pair of tickets in time for the event tonight.

  “Theo!” Orion was shouting. “You are not playing Russian Roulette with a ghost!”

  “Listen to Orion,” Simon pleaded. “I don’t want you to die.”

  Garfunkel just sat back with his Hello Kitty sunglasses on.

  “I appreciate the concern, Simon.” I cleared my throat and glanced at the serious, ghostly faces of the crowd. “But I think this is something I must do.”

  “And … begin,” Wyatt Earp said.

  “Guys,” I addressed my familiars. “Please get in your shoulder pads.”

  I raised the revolver to my temple and Earp stepped forward and positioned my wrist so that the barrel was pointing straight at my forehead. Again he winked knowingly. Too bad I didn’t know what he was trying to tell me.

  I pulled the trigger.

  Click.

  I wiped my forehead and handed the gun to LK who wasted no time in pulling the trigger before handing it back to me.

  I swallowed. Pulled the trigger.

  Click.

  LK performed the same quick action and handed it back to me.

  “Theo! Don’t!” Orion was yelling. It sounded like he was somehow chipping away at the brick wall from the other side.

  I raised the gun to my forehead and pulled the trigger.

  Boom.

  Luckily exactly what I hoped would happen, happened. Ghost bullets and all, and me a living person.

  It didn’t hurt. Not one bit.

  But I had been shot. The wide-open mouths of the ghosts surrounding me proved it. They stared at me and I stared at them and then they broke up into a fit of laughter.

  Then I heard LK mutter, “Oh crud.”

  I turned and saw a hole the size of a quarter through LK’s forehead.

  The ghost with the slicked back hair and cap in his hands shouted, “She hasn’t got a scratch on her! She wins!”

  Earp stepped forward and patted me on the shoulder. “He’s right. Rules are rules. You win. Mr. LK is beholden to help you in your quest.”

  LK shrugged his shoulders in acceptance of his defeat, and Orion burst in through the bricked up doorway in a showering of smoke and debris, passing through the dust cloud like a commando, his crossbow at the ready, looking ready to shoot every last one of the ghosts if they didn’t back the hell away right that instant.

  I raised my hands. “Take a chill pill, Orion. Everything’s cool.”

  Orion still looked like he was recovering from a coronary. At last he looked at me and said, “I’m glad to see you’re finally making friends.”

  “My door!” the bartender squealed.

  Orion glanced over his shoulder. “Sorry about that.”

  The bartender sighed. Picked up another glass to wipe clean. “Place needed some air, anyways. And it’s good to see some animated flesh in here again.”

  Orion’s eyes found LK. “Good, you found him.”

  LK bowed, his eyes suddenly beaming. “Yes. And I am ready to assist thee in thy hallowed mission.”

  “Um OK …” I said and Earp leaned over and whispered in my ear.

  “The thing about lich kings is they need a purpose to be happy in life.” The lawman ghost chuckled, gave me a hearty wink. “Course, they don’t know it. Will even deny it if you try to bring it up to ‘em.” He smiled. “You tethering Mr. LK in service to yourself is probably the best thing you could have done for the ol’ chap.”

  Wait, what? I thought. LK was tethered to me …? I already had two magical beings tethered to me—I didn’t need a third!

  Now it was my turn to sigh. “Too bad we don’t have a location for two more tickets.”

  “Actually,” Orion said. “Arachne called me on my cellular phone when you were infiltrating.”

  The ghost of Wyatt Earp stepped forth. “Cell reception isn’t too good down here, pardner. It’s all the stonework. We ghosts don’t have much use for cell phones, and besides, they are too complicated.” Earp took a step in Orion’s direction and took off his hat, pressed it to his chest over his silver star. “Name’s Earp. Wyatt Earp. Pleasure to make your acquaintance, pardner.”

  If I thought my eyes widened at his introduction earlier, Orion nearly fell over.

  “Fanboy much?” I asked. “Damn, since when did you have all this time to read comic books and learn about pop culture and world history?”

  Orion just grinned and pointed upward.

  I clapped a hand to my head. “Of course. The constellation thing. Wait, did you actually watch over Wyatt Earp when he was alive?”

  The two men approached each other and clapped shoulders in comradery. “Big fan,” Orion said, shaking the ghost’s hand.

  “The same,” Earp said, each man clasping the other at the forearm as well as the hand in imitation of the Old West days. “I was something of a stargazer back in the day. Back when you could actually see the night sky. The Great Hunter was always my favorite constellation.”

  Orion grinned, and with some effort turned toward me. “I wish we could stay but Arachne says we’ve got to move now or we’re going to miss our shot at another pair of tickets. The couple possessing them is currently at a coffee shop.”

  I bit my lip. Part of me wanted to shirk all responsibility and say to hell with my debts and liabilities and just hang out with the boo crew down here. Garfunkel liked it. And Simon … well, he’d wake up eventually. The universe owed me another beer at least, and the company down here couldn’t be beat. Besides, there was no way my debtors were going to find me in this place. There wasn’t any cell reception, and there were twenty or so armed ghost men, most packing shiny old-school pistols. That only shot harmless ghost bullets …

  “Yeah,” I said quickly. I turned back to my newly made … friends, I guess. Friends. Such a foreign concept for me. “Guys, we’ll have to come back when this is all over and celebrate.”

  “Yes,” the lich king said with a triumphant thrust of his fist. “Although long is the road, and short is life, we shall persevere and return for mead and fellowship.”

  Earp tilted his hat again. “Say, y’all expectin’ some trouble? I could tag along to dole out justice.”

  I swallowed. Earp was a personal her
o of mine (and Orion, too, it seemed). He was also on the side of the law. What would he think if he knew I was a thief—er I mean re-appropriator? He was the ghost of one of the most famous sheriffs of all time …

  A glance over at Orion showed that he would be grateful for the extra help.

  I cleared my throat. “While I appreciate the noble gesture, the success of our mission relies upon subtlety. And we only have admission for two.”

  “I am a lawman,” he said with his fingers looped around his belt. “Surely I’d be admitted to whatever event you are attending …”

  I stomped subtly on Orion’s boot until I heard him grunt and back me up. “Theo is correct. We will be fine. But we will be back after justice prevails.”

  Justice … What had I gotten myself into …?

  “See ya, boys,” I said, giving a slight curtsey even though I was wearing jeans instead of a dress.

  Earp caught Orion’s eye on the way out. “Take care of the lady for me, will ya?”

  Orion nodded politely and we stepped through the man-sized opening in the brick wall, LK hovering behind us with renewed vigor, a pep in his step—er you know what I mean. Already his greenish skin looked decades younger and he seemed very pleased with himself that he now belonged to our merry little band.

  “Tickets to a Different Kind of Show”

  Orion filled LK and me in on the taxi ride to the coffee shop. I called Arachne as we got out of the taxi. LK graciously offered to pay the fare and I’m not sure if he was trying to pay with gold coins or coppers or what, but Orion had to step in and settle the bill.

  “Arachne,” I said. “We’re—”

  “There. Yes, Theo. I’m watching you, remember?”

  Right … The coffee shop before us was a small brick establishment with a chalkboard stand outside displaying the daily specials in bright pastel colors. There looked to be a small theater next door with a gaudy flashing marquee sign hanging above the sidewalk.

  “Oooh. Caramel frappé,” LK said. “That sounds good—”

  “We’re not here for the refreshments,” I said. (Although I had to admit, it did sound good …)

  “Arachne, what do the two targets look like?” My phone beeped.

  “Just sent the photos.”

  I pulled them up. Studied our marks: a skinny blonde woman and her movie star-lookalike boyfriend with longish hair, who was a few years older than her.

  “Uh, Arachne,” I said softly. “We aren’t exactly dead ringers for these two.”

  “Hair dye?” she offered.

  “I’m not a blonde,” I said.

  Orion shuffled his feet. “I think you’d look good in blonde.”

  “It’s my hair thank you very much. And I’m not dying it.”

  “OK OK,” Orion said.

  “You’re perfect just the way you are,” Simon said. “Hair color does not define you.”

  “That’s right,” I said.

  Simon continued, “Of course, it would bring out your eyes …”

  “You must really not like pancakes as much as I thought you did.”

  That shut Simon up. Now, back to the mission.

  I pressed up against the coffee shop’s front window. There were a lot of people seated inside for such a small place. But none of the people seemed uneasy. They all seemed happy. Not at all cramped.

  “Perhaps in thy near future we three could partake in the sacred human ritual known as ‘grabbing coffee,’ together,” LK said.

  Yep. Dude definitely thinks he’s part of the team now.

  Was I being selfish? Maybe. But there wasn’t an open slot on the team. Batman had Robin. He didn’t have Robin and a ghost-for-sidekick. (Of course, maybe he did and didn’t realize it. Ghosts …)

  “Pardon my ignorance,” Orion said, “but if liquid passes right through you, why do ghosts need to drink—”

  I shushed them both as I located our two marks sitting at a table for two.

  “There they are,” I said. “Crap, they’re getting up.” Before I could react, our doppelgangers left via a side door in the coffee shop and entered the building next door, an old-fashioned theater …

  Double crap …

  I grunted. “Who goes to movies during the day?”

  “I believe they’re called matinees,” Orion said. “They’re much cheaper and maybe you should consider going to them instead of the ones at night.”

  “I know what a matinee is.” I sighed. “I don’t need to go to movies. I’ve got a home theater in my apartment.”

  LK’s pale eyes widened as he clasped his hands together. “Truly? You must be very wealthy. You must invite me over sometime. We can partake in the popcorn and delight in the delicacy humans call soda pop.”

  I facepalmed. This guy just wasn’t going to take the hint. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Look at me. The green ghost was growing on me.

  “Look,” I said. “We’re going to have to sneak into that theater behind them. And then LK, it’s all on you to sneak the Arena Tickets from their purse and wallet, I guess.” The more I thought about it, this job was starting to sound harder than I’d initially thought. It would be tough even for me to … er … liberate the tickets from the two people without them knowing. At least it would be dark inside the theater. I was counting on ghosts seeing well in the dark.

  Orion held open the front doors and we stepped into the theater lobby. “You know, Theo, for all the jobs we’ve pulled together, we’ve never seen a movie together.”

  Wait, what? Was Orion asking me out on a date? I didn’t have time to interpret manspeak right now. I was busy looking for LK while we stood in the mostly empty lobby in front of the checkout kiosk. LK was nowhere to be seen. I felt like I was watching a kid—a very adult and ghostly kid.

  “Uh oh, Theo,” Garfunkel said. “You lose someone?” He snickered.

  “Hush it you. Where’d LK go?”

  Beside me, Orion studied a life-size cut-out of the actress playing some superhero in the latest Marvel movie. Ahead of us, the blonde target and her boytoy had just accepted a gigantic bag of popcorn from the snack booth and disappeared into the hallway leading into the theaters.

  “We’re going to have to get them,” I said as I stepped up to the movie ticket kiosk where a bored teenaged girl popped bubblegum between her teeth.

  “What movie d’ya want to see?”

  I didn’t even glance up at the movie showtimes above the desk. Instead I pointed over the clerk’s shoulder at where Blondie and BoyToy had disappeared. “That couple before us. Skinny blonde …”

  Pop went the bubblegum. “The one with the sugar daddy?”

  I frowned, and she nodded at Orion.

  “Yes,” I said. And then, “He’s not my sugar daddy.”

  She nodded disbelievingly. “Uh huh.”

  “What movie were they going to see?”

  She looked at me like I might be a stalker or something.

  “We’re old friends,” I added. “Haven’t seen them in a while and wanted to catch up after the movie.” I was still worried she might be breaking some customer privacy rule by letting me know that information. Too bad I didn’t have any spare cash to bribe her with …

  “Like, uh I don’t care.” She flicked through the computer screen facing her. “They’re seeing, uh, Chainsaw Mansion.”

  Simon squeaked from my right shoulder. “Absolutely not!”

  Garfunkel chuckled. “The Arena gig isn’t for another six hours. Plenty of time to catch a flick on the silver scream. Get it? Scream … screen …”

  I shook my head. “One, Garfunkel, that’s ridiculous. Two, Simon, we are not going to see it.”

  “I love you so much, Theo,” Simon intoned. “I thought I was going to have to start singing to get you to leave.”

  I held up a hand. “Please don’t start singing.”

  Orion joined me. “I’m not sure this is the time to be seeing a movie right now.”

  I turned to him. “We’re not �
��” I exhaled loudly. For a mythical hunter dude with ears as good as a bat, he sure had a bad case of selective hearing when it was convenient for him.

  I turned back to the theater clerk who was twirling her long-braided hair around her finger. Pop! “You’re weird. And possibly crazy. Of course … I talk to myself too … Look there’s a line starting to form behind you. Can you just tell me what movie you want to see?”

  I didn’t know what to do. Where the hell had LK gone to?

  And then a hand was tapping at my shoulder and I spun, ready to chop some fool across the neck. “LK? What the? Where the?”

  The lich king’s glowy green face twisted upward into a smile. He raised a hand and between his boney translucent fingers were two tickets.

  I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. “LK, I could kiss you right now.” I caught Orion giving me a sideways glance. “But how did you do that?”

  LK bowed regally. Then he stood up and disappeared AKA went fully transparent until only his smiling lips remained. Then even that vanished. A moment later, he materialized as if he’d been there the whole time.

  “Simple. I burned some time.”

  “Don’t burn time at my expense!” I scolded. “Your life is too precious … Also, that’s pretty cool that you can turn yourself completely invisible at will. Why didn’t you tell me you could do that sooner?”

  Great, I thought. How am I, a world-class thief, to compete with that? GoneGodDamn, hopefully the rest of the heist went a little smoother.

  LK frowned. “I am sorry to have let thee down. But thoust did not ask.”

  “It’s not your fault.” I turned to Simon. “You need to add an entry to that mental Others encyclopedia of yours. That could have really saved us some time—which we’re almost out of.”

  “Ah, deadlines,” Garfunkel said. “I love the sound they make as they go whooshing past …”

  The teenage clerk popped another bubble. “Can you make up your mind? You’re, like, holding up my line.”

  “Dressed to Kill—er, Steal a Priceless Artifact”