Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  Without the flame whip, the place was quickly turning into a winter wonderland; one word to describe it: cold. I kept waiting for the axe in my hand to ignite or start bubbling or whatever it had done the last time, but no such luck. A mini-chimera jumped at me and I batted it aside with the flat of the blade. At least the weapon still wasn’t freezing up upon contact with these beasts’ hides.

  “Guys, now or never!” I shouted.

  My shoulders momentarily flashed as my familiars magically came together, and an instant later, Libra herself stood tall and illustrious in her shiny armor, drawing her sword with a righteous Zinggg!

  The boss chimera opened its mouth and let out frosty Godzilla breath right at my position. Lady Justice leapt in front of me, swung out with the heavy brass scale in her other arm, shielding me from the icy blast. The frothing projectile stuck to the scale for a moment as if being weighed, before coming free and ricocheting off the ceiling somewhere behind us, coating any surface it struck with a streaking glaze of ice.

  “Nice!” I shouted. Wow. How cool was it to have a badass constellation on your side?

  Godzilla Chimera swiped out at Libra with a massive paw and she ducked it, rose up with her gleaming sword, thrusting it through the monster’s icy heart. With lightning-fast reflexes, she withdrew the blade, dodging to the side as a plume of liquid icy exploded from the creature’s chest like a geyser.

  Said geyser sprayed right at me, and I sprinted to the side out of its trajectory. As I stopped and skidded on the icy floor, I realized there were too many chimeras gathering to effectively maneuver among. Also, I started to doubt Libra’s effectiveness against the chimera; its chest hole had already clotted over with ice. Speaking of ice—with its floors and walls cast over in a thick sheen of it, the place now resembled an ice palace. We needed to escape before this Reliquary became our tomb.

  There was just one giant problem: the super-chimera blocking the door. The only way through was …

  The icy-slicked floor beneath and between the creature’s bulging clawed legs.

  Libra lashed out at the monster again, this time with a horizontal slash of her sword, following up with a pirouette kick to the gut. Neither attack did any real damage, and I gasped as Lady Justice slipped on the icy floor. Towering above her, the Chimera King raised a bulging foot to stomp her flat.

  “To me!” I called out, not really sure if it would work. Libra pivoted away from the beast to meet my gaze, one eye pure white, the other absolute black. As the monster’s foot slammed down, a brief but intense flash of light engulfed Libra, and my two familiars spring-boarded to my shoulders with a look of apology on their tiny faces.

  As chimeras closed in on our position, the Big Daddy planted its feet wide and inhaled deeply.

  “Hold on guys,” I said as I tucked and sprinted forward, pitching backward to the floor and sliding feet-first between the creature’s hulking legs as its mouth opened directly over my head with a rumbling, deafening roar.

  The ice breath poured out over my head as I slid just under it, swinging out with the lava axe just for funsies at one of its ankles. The axe blade bit in and a spray of ice crystals sprayed out, momentarily blinding me and blowing Simon GoneGods-only-knew where. As I scrambled blindly to my feet somewhere on the other side of the door, I heard a Snap! and an “Awaaahooo!”, Simon’s invisible tether slingshotting him back to my right shoulder. I guess he stuck the landing because Garfunkel said, “Eh, I’ll give it an 8 out of 10,” coolly behind his frosted Hello Kitty shades.

  The monster behind turned as I blinked the last remnants of frost from my eyes. When I clearly saw all the chimeras eyeing me hungrily from all sides in the corridor outside the room, I almost wished I’d stayed blinded.

  “Welp, it was nice knowin’ ya,” Garfunkel signed off.

  Several of the nightmarish creatures leapt at me and I swung the axe like a mad woman to the sound of startled whinnies. If I survived, I knew I’d never look at a horse the same way again.

  One of the smaller creatures leapt onto my back; another sank icy cold fangs into my calf.

  “Ow! You little demon horse thing!” I smacked the little bugger over the noggin and it let go of my leg before it could freeze it solid. Can you say … frostbite?

  Another dropped from the ceiling and onto my shoulder—oh GoneGods they were everywhere up there!—and I spun at the last minute. It knocked me to the ground with a membrane-y wing draped over my shoulder. It leapt for my jugular and Garfunkel leapt on it and sank a pocketknife into the creature’s side. The mini chimera turned to face Garfunkel as the small knife froze solid and cracked to pieces, icy foam breath rippling Garfunkel’s poofy hair.

  “Get down!” a rough voice shouted.

  A sprinting figure stopped just in front of me and raised his hands through the ice fog billowing up all around. Bluish electricity flickered and sparked and the chimera about to chomp down on Garfunkel was zapped away, crashing into a suit of armor that crumpled upon it and crumbled to ice particles.

  For a moment I thought the figure was Spider Face but then another figure appeared and then another until a small group of men and women had formed up in full tactical gear and vests, commando headsets hugging their heads and night vision goggles strapped over their eyes. Sky blue bandanas flapped from their biceps and foreheads.

  The boss daddy chimera sucked in a gaping breath behind me. The air grew icy and suction-y, pulling me backward on hands and knees toward the beast as it drew in its breath like some crazy Special Finishing move. Ahead of me, static pulsed and danced from the glowing script of the Zeus elite squad’s arms.

  Luckily for me (and my familiars), I didn’t get to experience the beast’s special weapon in person. A hand reached out and hauled me to my feet from the slick floor.

  “Not her!” Simon wailed.

  “Lucy,” I said.

  “Night Riders”

  Lucy smirked at me, even as the chilly air sucked at the back of my clothes and hair, threatened to draw me back even at this distance. It felt like walking in three-times gravity, in a blizzard. Ice balls and snow were literally forming in the air and spinning like in a cyclone.

  “This is getting ridiculous!” I shouted to no one in particular.

  “Agreed!” came the tiny voice from my right shoulder.

  “Let’s go!” Lucy yelled.

  I raised an arm to block the snow and wind, hoping my familiars had made it into their shoulder pads.

  Lucy grinned. “Saving your butt seems to be a regular thing now.”

  I tried to think of something snarky to say, but this was the second time Lucy had bailed me out of a relatively hopeless and dangerous situation, so in true Theo-fashion, I yanked my arm free and pushed on with her shoulder-to-shoulder.

  We trudged on blindly through the blustery haze. Behind us came a kickdrum blast and then a piercing audible crackle and then we were over the window and out into the frost-glazed yard.

  Another ground shaking blast thundered out from the mansion, illuminating the night like lightning. Lucy and I stumbled over the frosty lawn. When we righted ourselves, I grabbed Lucy’s sleeve.

  “What?” Lucy asked, perturbed.

  “I can’t believe you came back for me.”

  “Er, uh, partners look after partners. You uh, taught me that. Remember?”

  “Right. Look, we’re majorly screwed! Typhon’s monsters are everywhere and I think he’s got goons with rocket launchers somewhere out here—”

  “I know,” Lucy said calmly. “I rode in with them.”

  “Rode in with them?” I asked.

  Lucy grabbed my wrist; I jerked out of her grasp. “Yeah,” she said. “I do happen to work for Typhon. Now come on, we’ve got to go before we’re mistaken for the enemy.” Her eye twitched, and I didn’t think it was the snow.

  “You’re suddenly back in Typhon’s good graces?”

  “Well … the mortar and pestle eased things a bit.”

  “Oh?” I
said. “That was supposed to be my bargaining chip for Orion.”

  Lucy grunted. “He knows it was a joint venture. Come on, let’s get out of here and I’ll explain things. We’re going to be mistaken for the enemy in this blizzard.”

  I stood my ground. “I don’t even know who the enemy is right now.”

  “It’s not me,” Lucy said. I thought I saw her eye twitch, but I chalked it up to the snow flurries wisping errantly around and about us.

  From behind us, a great bellow escaped the mansion followed by what sounded like a landslide of rubble.

  “Come on,” Lucy said, starting across the lawn.

  With worries still flurrying through my head, we pushed on across the lawn toward a fallen Zeus fighter groaning and rubbing his head. When we reached him, he lurched up to try to grab Lucy’s ankle and one of her four fists sent him sprawling.

  We neared the trees lining the fence and two Zeus commandos burst out from the shadows. Lucy took one, making quick work of him with her extra pair of hands, and I did alright with mine, deflecting a blow with my arm and landing a flying soccer kick to his side. He doubled over and I grabbed onto his head and slammed it downward against my rising knee. He slumped to the ground.

  “Boost me up,” Lucy said.

  I nodded, tucked the lava axe under my jacket and placed my back to the fence where I assumed a crouching position, folding my hands to form a makeshift platform to boost Lucy up. Just like in the old days, I thought, recalling old jobs we’d worked together.

  Lucy stepped onto my interlaced palms and I raised her up. She climbed effortlessly over the top and spun so that she was facing the yard and looking down at me. She hesitated.

  “Lower your hand for me,” I said quickly, and for a moment, I thought Lucy was up to some scheme …

  A couple Zeus guards shouted from somewhere behind me and I realized that they were the holdup. If either fired off a magic lightning bolt at me, standing helpless against the fence, I was toast (literally).

  From her position atop the fence, Lucy flicked her two upper wrists at our attackers. There was a soft thwip, thwip and then the sound of the two commandos falling to the ground.

  Lucy looked me dead in the eye before she lowered a hand to me, a cool breeze whipping her snow-white bangs over her eyes. “And before you start whining about ethics, I just winged them.”

  I gave an appreciative nod and then I was on my way up; my hands found the top of the fence and I swung my legs over the edge. Once spun around and facing back toward the mansion, I let out an involuntary sigh. The damage to the mansion was incredible, and I doubted even the best homeowner’s insurance covered frost damage caused by a hoard of chimeras. The scene had its beauty though, fat snowflakes and flurries spilling out into the night sky from the broken windows—

  “Theo! Quit your daydreaming!”

  Right …

  I snapped out of it, realizing we were both grinning like schoolgirls at our escape, and we dropped in soft unison to the sidewalk on the other side.

  “Don’t suppose you have a getaway car waiting?” I asked.

  Off to the side, behind a couple of large privacy shrubs, a motorcycle engine revved up and a headlight nearly blinded us.

  “You expect us both to fit on that?” I asked.

  A moment later, another motorcycle engine roared to life, a second solitary headlight throwing its blazing glare our way. A few steps later, I lowered my hand from my eyes. Clio the pixie was stepping away from the keyhole after giving a mighty twist of her upper body to turn it. She wiped sweat from her forehead.

  “Come on!” she said. “Before reinforcements arrive!”

  I shared a glance with my familiars, both of them peeking out starstruck from their shoulder pads, both of their mouths drooling. “When’s the last time you ever had a getaway vehicle waiting for me?” I asked.

  “But Theo,” Garfunkel said, jerking his head with a start. “We can’t be more than twenty feet from you.”

  “That’s right,” I said as I threw a leg over the seat pad. “Because you guys love me so much.”

  “Oh right.” Garfunkel’s sarcasm wasn’t lost amid the thrumming of the motorcycles.

  “Uh, Theo,” Simon said, sobering up as well. “Where are the seatbelts on this thing …?”

  I gripped the throttle and we shot forward into the night.

  “Gas Stop Contemplations”

  By the time we stopped at a gas station half an hour later to figure out our next move, the sun had already begun its slow arc over the sleeping interstate. Lucy and I had pulled off to the side of the parking lot out of sight. While Lucy admired the sunrise, I rubbed at my aching ankle. It throbbed from the chimera bite, but at least I still had an ankle.

  “Isn’t it pretty?” Lucy asked.

  “Yeah,” I said without really looking at the sun. Except for when I was with Orion, I usually forgot to admire the small things, the details. I guess you could say I saw the forest instead of the trees that made up the forest. Besides, there was always something to steal my interest: a new job to pull off, a new artifact to unearth, a new cooking gadget to buy.

  My stomach grumbled and I realized I hadn’t had anything to eat since … Lucy’s granola bar on the way to the haunted mine. As cliché as it sounds, that felt like a lifetime ago. And woman wasn’t made to live without food for that long!

  I leaned against my motorbike, wanting nothing more than some of Amir’s baked goods as I checked my phone. “Five missed calls from Larry …” I muttered under my breath. What does that prick want? I paid him. If he’d done something funny with my, uh, investment …

  I considered calling him back but instead dialed Pop Amir’s again to see if Arachne had gotten in yet and also to feed my newly adopted cat Luna (see, I’m responsible). The early morning clerk reported that no one was answering his calls down to Arachne’s basement abode. And she hadn’t come in during the night—he’d have noticed that.

  Then where was she? The longer I allowed my mind to roam, the more I convinced myself that something really bad had happened to Arachne and LK. I had to stay clear-headed. There was probably a logical explanation …

  My stomach grumbled again, and I knew I wouldn’t be much good to anyone if I didn’t eat soon. I turned to Lucy. “Where do you wanna eat?”

  She shrugged. “How bout you pick?”

  This threw up an alarm in my head. In the past, Lucy always wanted to pick where we ate. Coupled by the eye twitch I thought I’d seen outside the Brotherhood of Zeus mansion suggested Lucy really was playing some sort of game … And it involved Typhon and some powerful night goddess’s scroll. Great.

  I considered stepping inside the gas station for a corndog and some fried potato wedges to stave off the worst of the hunger, that is, if my credit card wasn’t already maxed out. Even though I’d received a bit of a windfall from the lava axe job, I still hadn’t paid off my credit cards (OK, maybe not so responsible).

  “Well? Where?” Lucy asked.

  I deferred and turned to my shoulders. “Where do you guys wanna eat?”

  “IHOP or Cracker Barrel,” Simon said dreamily, instantly.

  “Yeah OK,” I said, my stomach rumbling with growing intensity. Maybe I’d just have to make the decision anyway, the tyrant in me be damned. “Tell you what, Simon. If there was an IHOP or a Cracker Barrel right here, I’d say hey, sure. Let’s go. But there’s not a …”

  I blinked.

  Well I’ll be GoneGodDamned. There, in a small outlet mall behind the gas station was a Cracker Barrel chain restaurant, the epitome of American comfort food.

  “Can we really? Can we? Can we? Can we?” Simon asked, jumping on my shoulder like a little three-year-old. “They have the beeeest pecan pancakes!”

  Garfunkel wiped some bug guts off his Hello Kitty shades. “They do know their pancakes. Also, they don’t burn them.”

  I flinched, but let the anger go. It was true, after all. Sadly.

  But I had my
misgivings about eating at such a public place. For one, the police were probably still looking for Lucy. Also, there was the potential money issue. But we’d just escaped with our lives from a rampaging overgrown horse-bat monster, so I thought we’d earned ourselves a nice warm meal.

  I scratched behind my head. “You got any money on you?”

  My ex-partner rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “I’ve got one of those plastic cards with the sixteen-digit number, expiration date and CVC code on the back.”

  I nodded irritably. Having to explain human culture to Lucy had been a big annoyance back in our partnership days. “That’s a credit card. You reach your limit yet?”

  Lucy thought about it and raised a handful of credit cards from her clutch with names that didn’t match hers. “I can’t remember which it is, but one of them still works. For some reason, they keep getting blocked, a curious human custom I still don’t quite understand. I haven’t had to lift one from some unsuspecting human on the sidewalk for a few days now …”

  She must have seen my scowl because she stopped talking. I wouldn’t let Lucy steal some poor schmuck’s money to buy our breakfast, no matter how hungry I was. Even thieves have principles.

  Choosing that exact moment to rumble again, my stomach seemed to disagree.

  I held up my own credit card, a card that bore my name and not some identity theft victim’s, which might or might not be fully maxed out. (I swear, each time I swipe it, it’s like a game of Russian roulette …)

  Simon continued bouncing on his shoulder pad. “Can we go now? Can we go now? Can we go—”

  I held up a hand to Lucy. “I’ll pay. You have any objections to Cracker Barrel?” With the credit card extended in my hand, I indicated the sit-down chain restaurant behind the gas station.

  Lucy flashed a wicked grin, and Clio the pixie leaned out from her modified shoulder holster concealed beneath Lucy’s jacket. She waved seductively at my familiars with her arms crossed coolly under her bosoms. “I could go for some pecan pancakes …”

  “Why don’t we get shoulder holsters?” Simon asked, fawning over Clio a few feet away.