by Sarina Bowen
“Long story!” I say cheerfully.
“And, uh, who’s baby is that?” Aiden asks.
“Not baby,” Amy whispers around her pacifier.
“Kids, you remember Sadie Mathews, right? She cleaned up your messes for an entire summer fifteen years ago. And this is Kate and Amy, who are big girls. Not babies.”
My siblings blink at Sadie for a second.
“Oh, wow,” Cassidy says eventually. “Hi! Liam had the biggest crush on you.” Then she slaps a hand over her mouth. “Whoops.”
“That’s, uh, old news, Cass.” Although my neck feels hot under my shirt collar, suddenly.
“Nice to see you again,” Cassidy says, shaking Sadie’s hand.
“When did you become so beautiful?” Sadie asks, making my sister smile. “I mean, you were cute at seven, but now you look like you belong on the cover of a magazine.”
Cassidy blushes. “Can I hold your daughter?”
Sadie hesitates, because Kate is sometimes volatile, and I know she’s hoping this evening will go smoothly.
“Hold this one,” I say, passing her Amy. “Just don’t lose the pig, or we will cut you.” Then, to relieve Sadie’s burden, I take Kate in my arms, allowing Sadie to greet my brothers.
“Aren’t you adorable?” Cassidy coos as Amy rests her head on my sister’s shoulder.
“So what did I miss?” I ask my brothers. “Is the old man on his way?” I scan the room again and notice that it’s a good showing. There must be a hundred people here, to celebrate the primary election victory of a circuit court judge?
My dad has a seriously large ego.
“I got a text a minute ago,” Aiden says. “Stand by for a call.”
“A call?” I boost a squirmy Kate a little higher up on my hip.
“Yeah, he wants to…” Aiden is cut off by the squeal of his phone. The ringtone is “I Did It My Way,” which means our dad is calling him. “Guys, step over here, okay? We can at least try to uphold the illusion that this is a surprise.”
My brothers and I huddle against the wall and Aiden taps the phone to start a video call. “Boys!” my father bellows. “Are you wearing the ties? We’re two minutes out.”
“We’re wearing them,” Aiden sighs.
My dad squints at the screen from the leather seats in his chauffeur-driven car. “Fix your collar, Connor,” he barks. “And Liam, put down that baby. Why is there a baby at my party?”
“NOT baby!” Kate yells at the screen, making my brothers bite their lips to avoid laughter.
“Put it down,” Dad repeats. “A baby with a helmet? Is there something wrong with that kid? Liam always has to fuck something up.”
“Bad words!” Kate squeals, and my brothers lose their fight against convulsive laughter.
But I don’t see what’s so funny. “Dad, you told me to bring a date,” I say frostily. “We had a babysitting issue, so I brought three. When you get here you can tell Kate how pretty she looks in her dress.” I’m not taking any shit from him tonight. He might as well know up front.
His eyes narrow. “We’ll speak later. If you ruin this night for me, I will never forgive you.”
It’s a threat I’ve heard many times before. There’s already about a million things he’ll never forgive me for already. What’s one more? “Dad,” I say quietly. “If you’re rude to my guests, I won’t show up wearing the right tie and suit coat again. I won’t show up at all.”
My father’s mouth forms a snarl. “That’s some gratitude. You have sixty seconds until I walk into that room.” He ends the call.
“Bad man,” Kate mutters. She tugs on the strap of her helmet.
“He’s just hungry,” I lie. “If we all yell ‘surprise’ at the right time? There will be good things to eat.”
“Yummies,” Kate agrees.
“Yeah. Yummies.”
I’m interrupted by Sandy the party planner. She’s ringing a triangle. An actual triangle! Like she’s calling the cows home to the barn. “Thirty seconds!” she yells. “Places everyone!”
The crowd hurries to reassemble itself. Men in suits and women in dresses that are fancy yet somehow impeccably dull all scramble to find a hiding place. This is not a young crowd. There’s a banner that says, “Congratulations, Judge!” The tables are set, the band’s in place, and the TV is on to announce the primary results.
Sadie and I set the girls down, because they’re getting squirmy.
Sandy stops ringing the triangle and shouts at us “QUIET, EVERYONE! HUNKER DOWN!” I’m perplexed by the yelling. And there’s nowhere to hunker down to, so everyone in the Double Bogey room just sort of squats.
The girls watch with wide eyes as all the other adults crouch down to hide. I wonder what they see, because to me they look like a bunch of old people trying to surf in dress clothes, with no boards or water.
I wave Sadie closer to me. “Don’t worry about hiding,” I counsel her. “Just stand here with me.” I refuse to hide from someone who already knows I’m here. And this tie is choking me, so I reach up and loosen it a little.
Fuck it. If my father can’t handle a loosened tie on his eldest son, then I really don’t care.
All eyes are on the door. Amy is nervously sucking on her pacifier and hugging Piggypoo so hard I’m afraid she’s going to pop off its head. Kate is standing between my feet, and she’s actually revving in place. I reach down and clutch the bow on the back of Kate’s dress, to steady her. This is a lot of stimulation for the girls. Probably too much.
It was selfish of me to bring them here. I just really wanted Sadie at my side. It’s not the most relaxing moment to hang out with my family, but I wanted her near me. And Sadie’s girls are part of Sadie’s life, and I want them in my life too.
Permanently.
This is a lot of realizations all at once.
Then things start happening very fast.
There’s a wheeze as the doors open on a blast of hot outside air, meeting the chill of the arctic indoors.
Everyone leaps forward, and their collective screams of “Surprise!” are deafening. The sound is so loud that Amy lets out a terrified wail. And then suddenly I’m holding only the bow of Kate’s dress in my hand. Kate has launched herself forward. She’s running toward my father.
I can only watch the rest of it as if in slow motion.
Dad is waving to the crowd like he’s the president and not just the winner of a thinly contested local judicial primary. While Kate, head down, helmet in place, is charging like a bull, right for him.
“Oh no, she’s…!”
Sadie doesn’t even get to finish the sentence before it happens. Even over the din, I can hear the impact of Kate’s helmet to my dad’s crotch.
His “Oomph” is audible followed by a slow motion crumpling to his knees and then the fetal position.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do in that moment. They didn’t teach this in the graduate program for child development. But I’m pretty sure my reaction isn’t standard operating procedure, anyway. I don’t run across the room and comfort my father, or grab Kate for a discussion of Meaningful Consequences.
I only lean over to Sadie and whisper with awe, “Kate is going to make a terrific linebacker.”
20 The Preppy Lobster
Sadie
“Uh-oh,” Amy says in a singsong voice.
It’s the understatement of the century. Liam’s father is lying red-faced on the plaid carpeting, making bleating noises like an injured sheep. Wellwishers swarm, and someone grabs for Kate.
But my daughter darts past outstretched hands and comes flying back to me. I scoop her up off the floor and she buries her face in my shoulder. This actually hurts, because that helmet is quite hard.
Just ask soon-to-be Judge McAllister.
“Bad man,” Kate says.
“That bad man is Liam’s father,” I whisper. “You’re going to have to say you’re sorry.”
“No,” Kate says.
Ah, w
ell. She’s two. What did I expect?
“Everything will be fine,” Liam murmurs, but I’m not sure if he’s trying to reassure himself or Kate. Or me. “He kind of had it coming.”
Be that as it may, I don’t think we’ll be welcome here. “I’m going to put the kids in the car and go,” I say, taking a sidestep toward the door. “I think it’s for the best.”
“Hungry!” Kate says, perking up. “Yummies. Now.”
“I promised food,” Liam says. “Look, the passed hors d’oeuvre have started.” He gestures toward a young waiter carrying a tray of something around the room.
“Liam,” I whisper. “This isn’t the right place for us.”
His kind blue eyes meet mine. “I know, Sadie. I made a major miscalculation. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to put two hungry girls in their car seats and send them home to a blackened kitchen. Give me ten minutes to congratulate my father and we’ll head straight for the nearest drive-through.”
“Okay,” I say softly. I’ll do almost anything when he looks at me like that. Even drive-through.
The waiter approaches and Kate sticks one short arm out and nabs a crab cake off of it.
“Baby, I don’t know if you like…”
Kate shoves it in her mouth and chews.
“Me too,” Amy says, and the smiling young man leans forward so she can reach them.
“You’ll need these, I think,” he says, offering me napkins.
“Thank you.”
Liam grabs two more crab cakes just before the guy leaves. Wordlessly, he offers these to my girls so they can each have another one. “There you go, ladies. Quite the sophisticated palate we’re developing tonight.”
He smiles at me, and my tummy tightens inside my dress. Liam is a real man. He’s strong but kind. Smart but also sweet. He looks after my children and he looks after me, as often as I allow it.
I like him way too much.
“What do you say, girls?” I ask, my voice thick. Just because I’m having an emotional moment doesn’t mean they can skip the thank-yous.
“Daddy?” Amy says.
Liam’s eyes widen. Then he chuckles. “Well, that’s very flattering, but…”
“Daddy!” Kate shrieks.
I feel a prickle of awareness at the back of my neck. Slowly, I turn my head. There’s really no way that Decker’s here. He’s in Aruba, getting married!
But unless I’ve completely lost my marbles, that is Decker. And his new wife, Honey. Her massive diamond ring gleams beneath the fluorescent lights. It’s practically sparking and spitting on her finger. Mental note to revisit the child support Decker is paying. If he can afford a ring like that, then he can afford to pay for the Tony Montessori preschool I’m eyeing for next year.
But why is Decker here? Did he even go to Aruba? And why is he stomping in our direction looking like an angry tiger? Seriously, his face is so red that I’m worried he might have a heart attack, fall down dead, and then be buried right outside by the water trap at hole 11.
As he gets closer, I realize he’s sunburned. He’s a tomato. That’s going to hurt a lot in about twenty-four hours.
Serves him right.
“Uh-oh,” say Amy and Liam simultaneously.
“Daddy grumpy,” Kate warns just as he arrives in front of us. I notice that Liam has reached for my hand, and I close my fingers around his. I feel rooted. Like we’re a team.
That’s something else I’ll have to revisit later, because Decker practically spits out his greeting. “What the hell was that?”
No hello. No, gee, sorry I lied not two hours ago when I said I was still out of the country. But then again, Decker never did learn to apologize.
I’m amazed that I was ever married to the preppy lobster in front of me. How did I let that happen? I don’t have much time to contemplate it because Decker just keeps talking.
“This is an adults-only party. Kate rammed the judge! I’ve never been so embarrassed.”
“Aspiring judge,” Liam corrects under his breath.
“You’re embarrassed, huh?” I ask. My voice gets high and crackly when I’m angry. And I’m angry. “You should be embarrassed about your poor record of showing up when you say you’re going to, and generally giving a crap about the people who depend on you.”
Behind him, Honey flinches. Then she looks down at the sparkling bauble on her finger and seems to tune me out.
“Ah,” Decker says, waving a hand dismissively. “So I might’ve fudged a little on the details of when I was back in town. I just didn’t want to complicate things and since I had plans, it seemed easier to let you keep the girls just a smidge longer.”
“A smidge,” I bark. “A smidge is fifteen minutes. Or maybe a couple of hours. But the last time you saw them was two weeks ago. You have two children. I am already over the fact that you broke your promises to me. But I won’t let you do it to them.”
Decker has the good sense to look briefly ashamed. Or maybe it was just a trick of the light, because a waiter leans into our unhappy little party and offers us champagne. Decker’s face lights up immediately and he plucks one off the tray.
And what a dick. He takes a sip immediately, instead of getting a drink for his new wife.
“Aren’t you going to offer some to your new wife?” I ask because I’m not in the mood to let things go. And Honey is still sort of hovering behind him looking nervous. God help me but I feel so sorry for this woman. She has to go home with Decker for the rest of her life, unless he trades her in for a new model.
“Uh, no,” he says with a nervous chuckle.
“I can’t have champagne,” she says. “Because…” She slams her lips together.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Liam says, plucking two glasses off the tray and handing one to me.
And then it sinks in what Honey means. “You’re...p—” I catch myself just in time. I don’t know if Kate and Amy know what pregnant means, but I do not want to explain their new sibling to them until I have ten seconds to get used to the idea.
But now their sudden wedding makes so much more sense.
“We’ll talk about it later,” Decker snaps. “In private. Not in front of your babysitter.” Decker gives Liam the once-over.
“I have a name,” Liam says. “Hold this, baby,” he says to Amy, handing her his wine glass. “But no sips. That’s a grown-up drink.” Then, his hand free, he offers it to Decker. “I’m Liam. We meet again.”
“Liam,” Decker says with a sneer. “The manny. Or have you been promoted? Are you now the pool boy she’s fucking?”
“I don’t have a pool,” I say. And then, because I can’t stop myself, “But he is very talented in the bedroom. It’s been very educational for me.”
Decker’s eyes bulge, and is it my imagination, or does Liam flex his pecs under that ridiculous suit?
My ex-husband’s disapproval is thick. Kate, who has wiggled her way onto the floor, now latches onto his leg. “Stop,” he hisses at her, clearly irritated. “This is neither the time nor the place. I’m here to make an impression.”
“Oh, you are,” Liam says with a snicker. “Kate, here.” He downs his bubbly and then sets the empty glass on a ledge beside us. Then he squats down a few inches so my other daughter can climb up, too.
Decker is going to have three children. Three. And the only decent father within a five-foot radius is the hot guy with no kids of his own. The universe works in mysterious ways.
And something else Decker said nags at me. “You’re here to make an impression?” I ask. “On who?”
Decker glances toward the judge, who has recovered from his crotch strike and is shaking hands with all of his well-wishers. And then I get it. I’m standing in a room full of the most successful lawyers in town. Decker is prospecting for new clients, and the Honorable McAllister has lots of rich friends. “Oh, wait.” I say. “Are you here to meet Judge McAllister?”
“Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, Sadie. I’ve
been trying to connect with him. And Honey is a member of this club. It’s just kismet, don’t you think? So please keep the girls occupied, will you? I don’t want them ruining this for me.”
I am not a violent person, but I feel violent right now. Decker doesn’t even care that his daughters are listening to every crass thing he says.
Not until I started spending time with Liam do I realize how bad he really is. How arrogant and ungrateful.
“So, you want to meet Mr. McAllister?” Liam says.
Decker looks at him like Liam is something he wiped from the bottom of his shoe. “What do you care, Pool Boy?”
Then I smile because I know what’s coming. And it’s beautiful and terrible all at once. I give Liam a slight nod. Go on. We’re in this together.
“Hey, Dad!” Liam calls. “Someone wants to meet you!”
The look of sheer panic that Decker expresses erases all my violent tendencies. He’s just slowly made the connection that the man he’s insulted is the son of the man that he needs to impress.
It’s a beautiful thing. I want to high-five Liam, but that would be too obvious. So maybe I’ll just give him a blowjob later instead.
I need to stop thinking about Liam and his dick in my mouth, because his dad is walking (limping) over and I need to look like A Very Appropriate Girlfriend.
“Liam,” Phil McAllister says in a gruff voice. “What is the meaning of this...chaos that nearly ruined my victory party?” He squints at his son, who’s holding both the perpetrator and her twin sister in his hunky arms.
“Funny you should ask,” Liam says calmly. “This man would like to apologize to you for that. Meet Decker Mathews. He’d like to explain why his daughters are here tonight and not at home with him as he’d promised.”
“Uh, um…” Decker sputters. “Well, mrgggt!”
I stare at Decker, wondering if he’s actually choking on something. As much as I loathe him lately, I’d still give the father of my children the Hug of Life if necessary.
“See, it’s...urrgh.” Decker turns a darker shade of red, which is now approaching purple. But he isn’t choking on food. Only on humility. “I needed...brrrrgh.”
