This Is How I Lied

by Heather Gudenkauf

  The high school sophomore was last seen at the Knox residence around 3:15 p.m. on Friday afternoon. According to police sources, a family member went in search of Knox late Friday evening and came across her body. A call to 911 was made at 9:48 p.m. and emergency personnel were dispatched to the scene where Knox was pronounced dead.

  In the days since her death, the Ransom County Sheriff’s Office and the Grotto Police Department, in a joint investigation, have conducted several searches of the area, mainly focusing on the bluffs between her family’s home and the caves.

  Ransom County Sheriff Abe Pellitier says that they are considering all scenarios, including that Knox may have come into contact with a drifter passing through the area who caused her harm, but emphasized that all leads are being vigorously investigated. Sheriff Pellitier declined to comment on reports that the mutilated carcass of a dog was discovered near the spot where Knox was found and may be related to the crime.

  In the days leading up to her daughter’s death, Charlotte Knox said everything appeared normal. “Eve was her regular, happy self. I can’t believe she’s gone,” Knox said. “I can’t imagine life without her. We’re heartbroken.”

  Over four hundred mourners attended a candlelight vigil at the high school in Grotto, Iowa, in Knox’s honor. Funeral services are scheduled for 11:00 a.m. on Tuesday, December 26, at St. Theodosius Church in Grotto.

  If you have any information pertaining to the death of Eve Knox, please contact the Ransom County Sheriff’s Office or the Grotto Police Department.

  EVE KNOX

  Thursday, December 21, 1995

  9:30 p.m.

  Nick unlocked the door and Eve followed him inside. The Brady entryway, warm and inviting with its dark oak floors and soft lighting, was bigger than Eve’s entire bedroom. Sometimes she couldn’t believe she was inside a house like this, with someone like Nick Brady. He was cute, smart and rich. What he saw in Eve, she didn’t know. But then Eve was beginning to wonder what she ever saw in Nick.

  They’d spent the evening in Zeke Berger’s basement eating pizza and playing video games. Well, at least that’s what Nick did. Eve sat in the corner watching the boys shoot and chop up zombies. Later, Zeke came over and sat next to Eve and they talked about tomorrow’s English final and how they both should have been studying instead. Zeke was nice, easy to be around, but Eve could tell by the way that Nick glared at them out of the corner of his eye that he was getting pissed. Then when they were leaving Zeke’s house and walking to the car, Nick suddenly pushed her from behind. Eve tripped, her shoulder catching the side view mirror before falling to her knees.

  “Fuck, watch where you’re going,” Nick snapped. “Damn it,” he said examining the damage. “My dad is going to be pissed.”

  “I’m sorry,” Eve whispered, getting to her feet and rubbing her shoulder.

  They drove back to Nick’s house in silence. Eve was tired. Exhausted really. She never knew what might set Nick off, only that something would. It could be that Eve was talking too much or not enough. It could be the clothes she was wearing or that she wasn’t giving Nick enough attention or she was being too clingy. She couldn’t win.

  Nick had only hit her outright once. A quick smack to the face that left a quarter-sized bruise on her cheek. It had shocked them both and when Eve started crying Nick had tried to play it off as no big deal. Eve tried to cover the purple bruise with heavy makeup but people noticed. Eve mumbled something about getting elbowed during PE.

  Now Nick was much more careful. A jab to the ribs, a pinch, a shove, a yank on her hair didn’t lead to unwanted questions. No one noticed the halo of bruises around her forearm or the way she favored an elbow, except Nola. Eve brushed her questions aside, but from the smirk on Nola’s face, Eve knew she didn’t believe her.

  Nick drove up the steep private drive lined with towering pines that led to the Brady home. Unlike Eve, Nick had no neighbors. On a bluff only a few miles away as the crow flies was Eve’s house but they couldn’t be more different. Nick’s massive house had tall white columns and triangular pediments and a park-like front yard with a circular driveway. Eve’s house had a cracked foundation and a crumbling garage so filled with junk that there was no room for their mother’s run-down hatchback.

  Once inside, Eve pulled off her boots and set them neatly on the rug. Nick’s parents weren’t home. They never were. His dad worked in Willow Creek as the boss of a lumber company. His mom owned a little shop downtown called Grotto Gifts & Things that sold everything from candles and cookbooks to artwork by local artists. Eve’s mother couldn’t even afford to shop there.

  Though Nick and Eve had been dating for eight months, she’d only met his dad a few times. He was nice enough, just seemed like he was always in a hurry though Nick’s mother tried to make Eve feel welcome. Eve appreciated the effort but it was hard to feel at ease when the floor she was standing on cost more than her entire house.

  Nick grabbed two cans of pop from the fridge and handed Eve one. “You hungry?” he asked.

  “No,” Eve said, though she hadn’t eaten anything since that morning. Her shoulder ached and all she wanted to do was go home.

  “Let’s go upstairs,” Nick said, tugging on Eve’s hand.

  “I’ve got to get home soon,” Eve said, pulling her hand away. She already regretted coming all the way over to Nick’s house and wondered how she was going to get home. She had decided on the ride over that she was finished with Nick and his possessiveness and hot temper. She just needed to get the nerve up to tell him. “Let’s just stay down here. My mom has to work late and she doesn’t like it when Nola stays home alone.”

  “I don’t think you need to worry about Nola,” Nick said popping the metal tab and taking a long drink. “She’s fine on her own. Unless of course she’s out drowning puppies or something.”

  “Ha, ha,” Eve deadpanned. “That’s really funny, Nick. That’s just a stupid rumor. Nola never did anything like that.” Normally she wouldn’t dare call him out on his meanness but Eve wasn’t going to do this anymore. “Don’t talk about my sister.”

  Nick set his can on the marble countertop and stared at her in disbelief. “What did you say?”

  Eve didn’t respond, her eyes fixated on Nick’s clenched fist.

  “You’re feisty tonight,” he laughed meanly.

  He reached for Eve and she flinched as he wrapped his arms around her waist. Being hugged by Nick, Eve thought, was like being swallowed whole. At first you feel loved and warm and safe then suddenly you can’t breathe. Eve jabbed him gently with her elbows and laughed. “Too tight,” she said.

  Nick eased his grip but still pushed Eve toward the stairs. Again Eve wished she had never come inside the house. She should have told him in the car.

  “Nick, I really have to go,” Eve said as she wriggled away. “Let’s just talk for a minute.”

  “Talk about what?” He arched one eyebrow suggestively and slid his fingers through Eve’s belt loops, pulling her close. His breath was hot and smelled sweetly of bubblegum and pizza. He was hard against her stomach.

  “Just talk,” Eve said, trying to squirm away.

  “Like the way you and Zeke were talking earlier?” Nick asked. So here it was, Eve thought. She knew he was going to bring it up. Nick had given her the cold shoulder in the car. She should have just asked him to take her home.

  “That was nothing.” She gave a little laugh.

  “Nothing?” Nick aped back at her.

  “Come on, Nick.” Eve tried to laugh again. “Zeke? Really?”

  “Are you laughing at me?” Nick asked and he roughly snagged her arm.

  “Ow!” Eve cried. “No! I’m not interested in Zeke. It was nothing.”

  “Prove it,” he breathed into her ear, his hands on her zipper. She tried to bat his fingers away but that just made him smile, and not in a nice way.


  “No,” Eve said, afraid to meet his eyes.

  “Come on,” he said. His voice was low, urgent. Eve considered running out the door, but knew she wouldn’t get far. He was bigger, faster than she was.

  “Someone might walk in,” Eve said as she took small, slow steps backward.

  “They won’t,” Nick murmured as he crept closer to her. “My dad’s out of town and my mom is doing inventory at the shop late tonight. We’re alone.”

  Eve felt trapped. She knew if she argued, protested, things would go downhill fast but she had to get out of here. She shivered under Nick’s stare.

  He stepped toward her and kissed her. Gently at first and then more fervently as they sank to the Italian marble floor. Nick slid his hand beneath her shirt while a silent scream clanged around in her head. Get off, get off, get off, she wanted to scream. His weight pressed the air from her lungs and Eve struggled to catch her breath. Nick nuzzled his face against her neck and whispered, “I love you, Eve,” as he tried to unzip her jeans.

  “I have to go,” Eve said abruptly and squeezed out from beneath him.

  “Hey,” Nick said, his forehead wrinkled with worry. “What’s the matter?”

  Eve swiped at her wet eyes. “I can’t see you anymore,” she said, her voice cracking.

  Confusion filled his face. He was so handsome, Eve thought. People would say she was crazy for breaking up with him. “What? Why?” he asked.

  “It’s my mom,” Eve said. “She said we can’t go out anymore. She said we’re getting too serious.” This was a lie. Her mother loved that Eve was dating Nick Brady, thought that she was the luckiest girl in the world.

  Her mother didn’t have much luck with her own love life. Pregnant at sixteen, married and pregnant again at eighteen, divorced at nineteen. Now bitter and alone, she didn’t have much positive to say about the opposite sex, except when it came to Nick. He’s a keeper, Eve, hold on to him, and don’t let go.

  “Well, don’t listen to her,” Nick said angrily. “Let me talk to her. I can change her mind.”

  “No.” Eve shook her head. “You won’t change her mind. I can’t see you anymore. I’m sorry.”

  She moved toward the door. “She can’t do that,” Nick said, yanking her back by the arm.

  Eve bit back a gasp of pain and the tears broke through and streamed hotly down her face.

  “Eve,” Nick said pulling her to his chest and pressing his fingers deep into the small of her back. “Don’t worry. She can’t keep us away from each other. She can’t. I love you, Eve,” he said.

  He sounded so sincere, so honest. For a brief moment, Eve kicked herself for telling him they couldn’t be together anymore. What were the chances that someone would love her as much as Nick? Slim to none, Eve thought. No, Eve scolded herself. Don’t back down now. A small mutter of frustration escaped from her lips.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll change her mind,” Nick said, mistaking the sound as anger toward her mother. “I can be pretty persuasive. Let me drive you home.” Nick entwined his fingers through Eve’s. “I can talk to her. It will be okay.”

  “No thanks,” Eve said, eager to leave the house. “She’s pretty mad. Maybe we can give it a few days until she calms down.” She just needed to get out the door. Nick kissed her one more time. Hard, desperate. Eve waited for Nick to break away first before pulling on her boots. She opened the door and stepped outside. The cold air felt good against her skin. The complicated part was over, Eve thought. She didn’t dare look back.

  She couldn’t wait to get home even though her mother would be mad at her for being so late and would shake her head when Eve told her that things were over with Nick. Nick was too much. Everything about Nick was too much.

  Eve moved through the streets of Grotto on autopilot, barely feeling the bite of cold on her cheeks. The bare tree branches swayed in the brittle wind and the shiny slick sidewalk gleamed like glass beneath the streetlights.

  Eve knew blaming her mother for the breakup was the easy way out. Nick still thought she loved him and with that believed there was the chance Eve would disobey her mother so they could be together. She should have just told Nick the truth. That she was the one who wanted things to end, that when they were together she felt anxious and weak, like some smaller version of herself. But she could never say these words out loud. Look at tonight for instance. Why did she let Nick talk to her the way he did? Let him push her around? Why was she so weak?

  Eve could just imagine how Nick would react to this. He would blink back at her with his gray-blue eyes, trying to work out what she was trying to say. But I love you, he would tell her as if that was all that mattered. Nick believed the world spun around him like he was the sun and everyone else were lesser planets. And, Eve guessed, for the most part that was the truth. But not anymore. She was done spinning.

  Eve spent the first four blocks looking over her shoulder checking to see if Nick was creeping up behind her in his car but finally her limbs relaxed, her legs felt light, her arms swung easily. She began to sing softly to herself, a catchy one-hit wonder about common ground and that old movie with Audrey Hepburn or maybe it was Katharine, that she and Maggie made fun of, but right then, in that moment, it was perfect.

  For the first time in a long time, Eve felt free. Hopeful.

  The grumble of a car engine revving drowned out her song. Just keep walking, she told herself. Don’t turn around. The song fell silent on her lips. Nick always played this stupid game. Creep up behind her, rev the engine, make her jump, veer the car toward the sidewalk like he was going to run her over. All the while, laughing.

  When Eve finally turned, Nick’s silhouette was outlined through the windshield and a familiar anxiety wrapped itself around her midsection, weighing her down. He lowered the passenger-side window. “Get in,” he beckoned, looking at Eve in that way that still made her stomach flip.

  Why couldn’t this be easier? Eve wondered as she reached for the door handle. Why did goodbyes have to be so hard?

  MAGGIE KENNEDY-O’KEEFE

  Monday, June 15, 2020

  It isn’t a surprise that Nola doesn’t stop when I try to pull her over. As she speeds past me my head fills with memories of the day that Eve died. Her mother was frantic when she came home and found that Eve wasn’t there. I had just gotten home from babysitting for the Harpers when Charlotte Knox came scurrying across the street wanting to know if I’d seen Eve. I told her I hadn’t, that I’d been babysitting all afternoon and evening. She tearfully asked me where I thought Eve could be and I ticked off all the usual haunts: Nick’s house, the library, some classmates’ homes.

  Can you help Nola look for her? Charlotte asked. I looked to my dad who nodded and told us to stay together. Nola looked put out but ran inside her house and came out with two flashlights.

  They still live next to my dad though I haven’t talked to Nola in years. I know what Nola’s like, but even so I want to get to her before I talk to her mother. Charlotte Knox has always been fragile and I want someone there with her when I tell her about the kids finding Eve’s boot, even if that someone has to be Nola.

  As I drive through the streets of Grotto, images of Eve’s battered face pop into my head. For many years the only way to keep the memories at bay was alcohol. This worked only for so long. Today, I try to keep the happy ones front and center. Eve and me at thirteen exploring the maze of caves below our neighborhood at the bottom of the bluffs, talking and laughing and just being kids. It was all so innocent then. Nola lagging a few steps behind saying that she was going to tell on us the entire way.

  Eve and me babysitting at the Harper house, their two young kids, Riley and Rebecca, running circles around us as we painted each other’s fingernails with Nola sitting all alone on the Knoxes’ front step. Mr. Harper, an attorney, and Mrs. Harper, a stay-at-home mom, didn’t like Nola hanging around their kids. No one did. I don’t wan
t her in my house, Joyce Harper would say. When Nola was ten, Mrs. Harper found her outside holding Riley’s hand and heading toward the edge of the bluff behind the house.

  She’s dangerous, I remember Mrs. Harper angrily telling my dad. If I hadn’t looked out the window and gotten to him, Riley would have gone right over. I swear to God she was going to walk him right off the ledge.

  My dad calmed her down, said he would go talk to Nola and Mrs. Knox, but Mrs. Harper never forgot.

  Since Nola ditched me, I decide to touch base with the next person on my list. Nick Brady.

  Nick was Eve’s first and only boyfriend. I’ve never been a big fan of Nick. He was Adonis handsome but beneath his seemingly good nature, I thought he was an asshole. Everyone else thought that Eve was the luckiest girl in school. Nick’s parents were rich and he liked to flaunt it. Dressed in the most expensive clothes and shoes, he sped around in his BMW like he owned the town. That’s not why I didn’t like Nick though.

  What I hated about Nick was the way Eve changed whenever she was around him. The way she became meek and mild and seemed to forget every single opinion she ever had.

  I know I’m not one to talk. At the same time that Eve and Nick were dating I’d been in love in that irrational, soul-sucking kind of way that leaves you heavy-limbed and thick-tongued. But Eve knew better. Was better. Plus, I had a sense that Nick hurt her. Emotionally, for sure, but I thought he could be abusing her physically too. I saw the marks. The fingerprint-sized bruises on the small of Eve’s back. I saw the way she winced when she pulled her hair back in a ponytail or slung a backpack over her shoulder. She always had an excuse: I tripped; Nola and I were messing around; I’m such a klutz.

  But why do you like him? I remember asking Eve and she could never give me a real answer. What’s not to like? was the best she could come up with.