This Is How I Lied

by Heather Gudenkauf

  Nola glowers down at me. “I saw you and Eve at the caves that day. I know what you did to her, Maggie. I saw everything and heard everything. I was there.”

  EVE KNOX

  Friday, December 22, 1995

  11:00 a.m.

  Eve searched each one of Nola’s usual haunts. First she checked the library, Nola’s second home. She moved past a blue Schwinn bicycle propped against the side of the building. Odd, she thought. You didn’t see very many bikes out in the middle of winter. Eve stepped into the library vestibule and peered through the glass doors hoping she’d spy Nola right off since she had a feeling that Nola wouldn’t be so easily extracted from her spot among the shelves today.

  Eve pushed through the doors in resignation. Walking into the Grotto Public Library was a bit strange, like walking uninvited into someone’s home. The building, the former residence of a wealthy Grotto family, was donated to the city for the express purpose of housing books. Each room held a different section of the Dewey Decimal System. Books on philosophy and religion in the master bedroom. Applied and natural sciences in the dining room. Social sciences and languages in the family room and so on.

  Eve breathed in the dry, dusty smell of old paper. Nola wasn’t the only one who liked to read. Eve read, just not the thick, boring reference books that Nola was obsessed with. Eve preferred romances and sweeping historical sagas.

  The space that was once a parlor now held the circulation desk where patrons checked out their books. Standing behind the desk was Rita, the librarian. She glanced up from the pile of books in front of her. “I haven’t seen Nola today,” she said, smiling apologetically at Eve. Rita was used to Eve coming in and hunting for her sister. “I may have missed her though. It’s been kind of busy today.”

  “I’ll go take a quick look,” Eve said.

  The library’s former dining room alone was larger than the entire first floor of the Knox home and still it was crammed with books. Dimly lit with rows of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, it was difficult to see if anyone else was in the room with her. A perfect hiding place for Nola.

  Eve walked down the length of the room, her footfalls muffled by the worn, frayed carpet. She glanced down the narrow stacks. Usually Nola could be found sitting cross-legged, her back pressed up against the shelves that held books about anatomy and physiology, with a heavy science text on her lap. Nola, Eve would say in exasperation and Nola would take her time reading to the end of the page before looking up. Mom says it’s time to come home now, Eve would grouch.

  Nola would get to her feet and carefully, lovingly, replace the book in its rightful spot on the shelf. Eve’s irritation never lasted very long. It was hard to get too mad at Nola when she lost track of time at the library. It meant that she wasn’t antagonizing anyone else for the time being. But today there was no sign of Nola.

  Eve turned to leave when at the far end of the room something caught her eye before it quickly disappeared behind a shelf. Was Nola playing a childish game of hide-and-seek? This was exactly what she would pull. Eve was having none of it.

  She retraced her steps in hopes of cornering Nola before she could escape but as she hurried down the rows she saw that they were empty. Eve had been certain that someone was in the room with her. She should have parked herself in front of the exit and waited for Nola to appear. She couldn’t stay hidden forever.

  Instead, Eve found herself in a far corner of the stacks opposite the exit, out of breath and sweating beneath her coat and scarf. “This is so stupid,” Eve muttered, deciding she’d had enough. There was no reasoning with Nola when she got like this, so it was useless to try to track her down.

  Once again, Eve headed down one of the rows toward the exit when the damp, acrid scent of unwashed clothing pricked at her nose. Eve stopped short. Someone else was in the room with her, but not Nola. A barb of fear swept through Eve and she swung her head around, sure that someone was directly behind her. There was no one.

  The foul odor grew stronger and Eve slowly turned toward the shelf of books to her right and staring back at her between the spines was one rheumy blue eye and a gray stubbled cheek. The man reached his tobacco-stained fingers across the shelf and stroked Eve’s hand. A yelp of fear leapt from Eve’s throat. She forced her legs to move and in a matter of seconds she was across the room and out of the room. Heart hammering, she made a beeline to the circulation desk.

  “No luck?” Rita asked.

  “No,” Eve said as the man from the stacks emerged carrying an armful of books. Her stomach churned at the thought of his grimy, rough fingers on her skin. The man, tall, bone thin and wearing a grubby red sweatshirt that smelled like damp, rotting wood. “I’m going to go check the bathroom,” Eve said and breathed a sigh of relief as the man passed by her without a second look. She had overreacted like always. The man was scruffy looking and had poor hygiene but that didn’t make him a serial killer.

  Eve made her way to the women’s restroom and closed the door firmly behind her. “Nola, are you in here?” she called out. “Mom says you need to get back to school. Now.” No answer. “Nola, seriously.” Silence. Eve turned to leave, thought better of it and went back inside to check each individual stall. All vacant. Eve opened the bathroom door to find the man in the red sweatshirt was right there staring back at her. Eve slammed the door shut and pressed her back against the door, heart pounding. Surely someone would come along and the man would go away. She would stay in here all day if she had to.

  Minutes passed and through the heavy door Eve heard a light tap, tap, tap of someone knocking and felt the door push open. Eve planted her feet and pushed back. The door opened an inch, then two, before the person on the other side gave up and the door closed. Was it the man or someone waiting to use the bathroom? Eve screwed her eyes shut and waited, still pushing against the door. She waited five more minutes and when she cautiously opened the door again, the man was gone.

  With relief, Eve walked slowly back down the steps to the circulation desk. “I’ll be sure to tell Nola you’re looking for her,” Rita assured her.

  “Thanks,” Eve sighed. “But she might not listen to you if she knows I’m the one looking for her. Maybe just tell her my mom wants her to call her right away. Technically, that’s true. Can I use the phone?”

  Rita nodded and Eve reached for the phone and dialed the house number. It rang seven times before the answering machine picked up and her mother’s voice came across the line. “Nola,” Eve said in a low voice. “If you are home, you better pick up. I mean it. Grow up!”

  Eve banged the receiver down harder than she intended and it trilled back at her in protest. Eve looked around, embarrassed, to see if anyone had seen her mini tantrum but she was alone. Her eyes drifted toward Rita’s desk and there was the man’s pile of books.

  Eve ran her finger over the green cover. Why would the man dump his books on the counter? Maybe he had forgotten his library card or maybe he just decided he didn’t want to check out these particular books.

  Eve had seen this man before. Supposedly homeless and always riding around on his bicycle. Maybe he just wanted to get out of the cold for a little bit. Did Grotto even have any homeless people? Eve considered calling Rita and asking her about the man, if she knew who he was, but then thought better of it. She would sound paranoid. Silly.

  Eve tried to push the thought of the strange man out of her head as she stepped back out onto the street but she couldn’t help scanning the street in search of his red sweatshirt. A few flurries danced around her head but then the snow abruptly would stop, as if the sky was frozen in indecision. Eve couldn’t decide what to do either. Where to look next.

  Finally, the cold pushed her into action. She hurried down the street, poking her head in the doorways of businesses and asking if anyone had seen her sister. Everyone knew Nola but no one had seen her that morning. At the pharmacy Eve chose a candy bar from the dusty display a
nd dug into her pocket for a dollar bill to pay the clerk.

  He hadn’t seen Nola either.

  The caves? Eve wondered as she peeled the wrapper from the bar and took a small bite, hoping to make it last as long as possible. Would Nola really run off to sulk in Ransom Caves in the middle of winter? Eve didn’t think so. But the caves were secluded and would offer a spot for Nola to be alone and out of the elements. It was worth a look anyway, but after this she was going home.

  Eve hunched her shoulders against the rising wind and headed in the direction of the caves, all the while alert for any sign of Nola or Nick or the man from the library.

  Eve heard the rumble of a car behind her but forced herself to ignore it and not let every little sound scare her. She expected the car to speed past her but it continued its slow trek behind her and it was all she could do not to take off running. Instead, she whipped around ready to tell Nick to get lost but the words died on her lips. It was Shaun O’Keefe in his junky pickup truck. He pulled up next to her and leaned over to roll down the passenger side window.

  “Any luck?” Shaun asked.

  “No,” Eve said. “I’m checking one more spot then I’m going home.”

  “Hop in, I’ll drive you,” Shaun said.

  Eve was tempted. From here, the walk to the caves would take forever. “You don’t have to,” Eve said. “I’m sure you probably have better things to do.”

  “Not really. If I go home now I’ll have to help load Christmas trees onto people’s cars. I’d much rather look with you.” Shaun gave Eve a lopsided smile. “Come on, I bet you’re freezing.”

  “I am,” Eve admitted and against her better judgment opened the door and stepped up into the truck and slid in next to Shaun.

  “Where do you want to go next?” he asked.

  What Eve wanted was for Shaun to put his truck into gear and drive her far away from Grotto. Somewhere warm and sunny and miles away from her mother and Nola and Nick. But she knew that wasn’t going to happen so instead she said, “I think we should go to the caves. The ones on Ransom Road.”

  Shaun looked at Eve quizzically. “Really? Why would she go there?”

  Eve shrugged. “Nola goes there sometimes.”

  “Okay.” Shaun revved the engine. “Let’s go.”

  The cab of the truck was warm and smelled like pine needles. Eve’s muscles, tight from the cold, began to relax. Her eyes grew heavy and she had to fight to stay awake. She told herself that she’d only close them for a moment and leaned her head against the window.

  As she dozed, Eve was vaguely aware that they had been driving for too long. They should be at Ransom Road by now. She opened her eyes with a start and scanned her surroundings. Eve had no idea where they were. A surge of panic ran through her.

  “Shaun,” Eve said, grabbing onto the dashboard. They were out in the country on some rural road she didn’t recognize. They sped past bare, lonely-looking farm fields and Eve searched for some familiar landmarks but found none. “Where are we? Where are we going?” Eve demanded.

  “I thought you said Ransom Caves.” Shaun looked over at her, his forehead wrinkling in confusion. “That’s what you said, right?”

  “This isn’t the way,” Eve said. How could she have been so dumb? Why would she get into a car with a guy she barely knew? Nola was right, Eve thought. She was stupid. “Go back. Go back!” she insisted.

  “Whoa,” Shaun said taking one hand off the steering wheel and reaching out for Eve. She scooted out of his reach and pressed herself against the door. “We’re almost there,” he said. “I’m taking a back road. It takes longer to get to but we won’t have to walk as far. Look.”

  Eve followed Shaun’s gaze as he slowed the truck and took a left on a gravel road lined with towering pine trees. “I still don’t know where we are,” Eve said. “I told you Ransom Caves, right below my house.”

  “I know, I know.” Shaun laughed. “Calm down. That’s where we are. This is an old service road. It will take us pretty close to the caves and we won’t have to cross the creek or climb over any rocks.”

  They bumped down the winding gravel road that ended in a wall of trees. Shaun stopped the truck and put it into Park. “The caves are just through there. You still want to go look?” He asked.

  Eve didn’t know what to do. No one knew where she was. No one knew who she was with.

  “We can leave if you want,” Shaun said. “Just tell me and I can take you home.”

  Eve reminded herself that not every guy was Nick or the jerks from the bus stop or Cam Harper. This was Shaun, a person she’d spent an hour with nearly every single day that school year. In study hall he was a good guy, Eve thought. She was being an idiot.

  “No, I’m okay,” Eve finally said. “I just never knew there was another way in.”

  “Yeah, not too many people do,” Shaun said, throwing open the truck door and stepping out onto the gravel.

  Eve hesitated, not wanting to leave the warmth and safety of the truck. Shaun started walking toward the caves and then stopped when he realized she wasn’t following him. Eve knew she was being ridiculous. Shaun had never given any hint that he was interested in her. He could be doing a million different things this afternoon, but he was just being nice, a friend.

  Eve opened her door and walked to Shaun’s side. Before them was a grove of tall, spindly pine trees. Their footsteps were soundless beneath the soft rug of fallen pine needles as they began to move forward. It smelled like Christmas.

  They were walking for only a minute when Eve saw the back of Nola’s coat. A dingy purple hand-me-down. A double hand-me-down, Nola called it. Eve had picked it from a secondhand store a few years ago and when she was done with it, Nola claimed it as her own. Nola never cared what she looked like. Clothes kept her warm, kept her covered. That was enough. Eve and Shaun ducked behind a copse of trees.

  Nola was on her knees and bent over, as if praying. But that didn’t make sense. Nola didn’t believe in God. She once tried to explain to Eve why the existence of a higher being was irrational. Eve refused to listen. Though the Knoxes weren’t churchgoers, Eve didn’t feel right entertaining the idea there was no God. It made her feel small and lonely and like she didn’t matter, that she wasn’t important.

  Eve was just about to call out to Nola. To shout at her for being so bullheaded and selfish and inconsiderate when Nola suddenly sat back on her heels. Lying in front of her on the dead grass was an animal. Eve wasn’t sure what kind but from its paws, her first thought was a dog. It was still, not moving, just lying there.

  “Jesus,” Shaun breathed. “What’s she doing?” Eve pulled her eyes away from the animal and turned her attention to Nola. In her hand something shimmered in the sun. “Is that a knife?” Shaun whispered in disbelief. Eve squinted to see better. It was a knife. The Swiss Army knife that Nola had started carrying in her pocket. Why was Nola out here in the middle of nowhere with a knife? Eve stepped forward but Shaun reached out and snatched her back.

  Nola shifted her weight again revealing the animal, and yes, Eve clearly saw that it was a dog. Brown and white with bushy, wiry fur, of indeterminate breed. “Nola,” Eve cried, her voice swept away by the sharp wind that whistled through the trees.

  Nola held the knife like a surgeon, index finger atop the blade, and slid the sharp edge down the dog’s soft belly. A surge of bile rose in Eve’s throat and she felt the ground tilt beneath her. “Nola,” she shouted, stepping out from behind the trees and into the open. “Stop it!” Eve sobbed. “Stop it!”

  Nola’s head snapped up and she quickly hid the substitute scalpel behind her back like a toddler caught hiding a stolen cookie. The dog was laid open, a grotesque tableau. Tendrils of steam rose from the open wound.

  Eve turned and ran back to the truck, stumbling over frosty ridges in the ground and into the cover of the trees, her head swimming with the hor
ror of what she just saw. She wrenched open the truck door and scrambled inside. Nola was crazy, Eve thought. That’s all there was to it. Her sister was crazy.

  Where was Shaun? She had left him behind. Had Nola turned the knife on him? No, Eve shook her head at the thought. Nola would never hurt someone, at least without being provoked first. But that dog. That poor dog.

  Finally, through the windshield, Shaun came into view. He jogged lightly toward the truck and climbed in next to Eve. He inserted the key into the ignition and the engine turned over with a roar. “You okay?” he asked.

  “Let’s go,” Eve said biting back tears.

  “That was crazy.” Shaun shook his head from side to side.

  “Please just drive,” Eve whispered.

  “She took off,” Shaun said. “Toward Ransom Road.”

  “Just drive,” Eve snapped.

  Shaun put the truck into gear.

  Eve was immediately contrite. It was crazy. The entire situation was insane. Her sister was insane. Shaun was in shock, just like she was and trying to make sense of what he had seen.

  Shaun drove them up the service road and onto the highway that would lead them back to town. Eve wanted to apologize but the words wouldn’t form so instead she looked out the window and tried to erase the memory of the dog and its innards and Nola holding the knife. Her stomach churned and flipped with each bounce on the uneven road. Throwing up in Shaun O’Keefe’s truck would only make this day even more unbearable.

  “Do you want me to drop you off at your house?” Shaun asked cautiously as they entered the town limits.

  “Can you just drop me back off at school?” she asked. It was as good a place as any.