by Andrews, Amy
‘Not yet.’ Her voice wobbled.
‘It’s probably nothing, Tab,’ he said reassuringly.
‘This was how it started last time,’ she sobbed.
‘Come down here immediately,’ Marcus said. ‘They have a basic ultrasound machine next door, we’ll do a scan and see what’s happening.’
Marcus made some phone calls. Three to cancel all his remaining afternoon clients and one more to Maddy, who thankfully picked it up without looking at her caller ID.
‘I know this is asking a lot but Tabitha is spotting. She’s hysterical. Can I bring her in for a quick scan?’
Madeline couldn’t quite believe what he was asking of her. She wanted to scream into the phone and hang up loudly in his ear. But despite everything, Madeline felt for Tabitha. Many of her patients had suffered from the devastating loss of a pregnancy. It was only natural for Marcus to turn to the most readily available source of medical equipment especially when he was new in town and hadn’t made a lot of contacts yet.
‘Of course,’ she said politely. ‘Is she cramping?’
‘No.’
‘How far is she along? It’s probably nothing,’ she said to him unnecessarily.
‘I know, that’s what I told her, but she’s been through this once before. She’s ten weeks. She’s really upset, Maddy.’
She heard the apology and the strain in his voice. ‘Bring her straight in,’ she said briskly, and hung up.
Once her hands had stopped shaking and she could think rationally, Madeline hoped for Tabitha’s sake everything was okay. And she was glad that Marcus had asked her. This way she got to see the baby, too, and it would seem much more real to her than it did at the moment.
Everything from last night onward seemed surreal. Seeing Marcus’s baby on the screen, while devastating, would also help her face reality. Confirm that it was actually happening — that he had responsibilities and she wouldn’t stand in his way.
Madeline maintained her professional veneer as she ushered the man that she loved and the woman he had impregnated into the examination room a short time later. Tabitha, her eyes red-rimmed, got up on the couch and pulled her skirt down a little to reveal her still flat stomach.
She switched on the machine. It may not have been a high tech unit like those at a radiology clinic, but even a basic device these days was hugely sophisticated – it would do the job.
Tabitha reached for Marcus’s hand and he took it, automatically. ‘You’ve been spotting?’ Madeline asked, needing to say something to stop the roar of blood in her head. Watching their easy familiarity was torture.
‘It started an hour ago.’
‘And what were you doing at the time?’ she asked, pretending that this was just another client as she palpated Tabitha’s abdomen. She could easily feel the bulge of the burgeoning uterine fundus and frowned slightly. At ten weeks she shouldn’t be able to palpate the fundus yet. It didn’t grow up from behind the pelvic rim until about twelve weeks.
‘Marcus and I had had an argument,’ she said, her voice tight. ‘I was crying.’
Madeline glanced at Marcus, the guilt on his face heartbreaking. Damn it. And damn him. Here she was, caught up in a bizarre triangle with the absolute right to feel pretty damn aggrieved, and all she wanted was to take him in her arms and comfort him.
‘And have you been taking care of yourself?’ she asked. ‘Eating well, sleeping well?’
‘I had my best night’s sleep in a long time,’ Tabitha sniffled. ‘I’ve always slept best in Marcus’s bed.’
Marcus gaped at Tabitha as Maddy flinched. She covered it swiftly but he could see his ex-wife’s barb had hit hard. What the hell? It was unlike Tabitha to be so cruel.
There was something screwy going on with her.
He clenched his fists. ‘I slept on the couch,’ he clarified tersely, relieved to see Maddy’s shoulders relax.
Madeline squeezed some gel onto Tabitha’s abdomen and didn’t feel the least bit sorry at the other woman’s swift intake of breath as the cold goo hit her skin. Normally she would warn the patient first but Tabitha’s last dig had hit its mark and it had stung.
Madeline ran the transducer through the gel as the image of a very healthy-looking foetus flickered on the screen. The heart beat strongly and nothing appeared obviously irregular or out of place. If Tabitha had been in the early stages of miscarrying, Madeline would have expected to find an abnormality with either the foetus – like no heartbeat - or an irregularity in the sac or the lining of the uterus.
But nothing was obvious.
Madeline’s suspicions were confirmed, however. No way was this a ten-week pregnancy. She’d guess it to be closer to fourteen weeks, definitely second trimester. She knew that the machine would give her an actual gestation at the end but wondered if Marcus had picked it up.
‘The baby looks fine. It has a very strong heartbeat,’ Madeline said to Tabitha.
She sneaked a peek at Marcus and wished she hadn’t. The look of wonder on his face made her feel physically ill and she knew it was all over between them. Irrational tears sprang to her eyes. How would it feel to have Marcus’s baby inside her? To have him look at their baby like that?
Like it was the most precious thing he had ever seen.
The yearning was intense and she almost wished she was also pregnant. At least she would be able to take a little of Marcus away from this mess and she’d never be alone again.
Marcus was totally caught up in the image on the screen. He remembered seeing the twelve-week ultrasound pictures of the baby Tabitha had miscarried years ago and clearly remembered not feeling anything other than a sinking sense of dread.
He hadn’t seen the fuzzy images as the wonder and awe of new life but a representation of the end of his life as he’d known it. But right now he felt a weird connection with the strong yet fragile new life. His baby’s heartbeat blinked rapidly at him and he felt a primal urge to protect it from any harm.
He looked up and saw Maddy staring at him with glassy eyes and he realised there was only one thing wrong with this picture — it was the wrong woman lying on the couch.
If only he had that magic wand Maddy had accused him of having at their first acquaintance. Looking at the baby and feeling his love for it rising in his chest, he realised everything would have been perfect had it only been inside Maddy — the woman he loved.
He knew in that instant if this mess was ever sorted out and he could convince Maddy to take him back, that he wanted to do this with her. If that’s what she wanted, too. He wanted to see their baby on a screen. And growing inside her and coming into the world and being cuddled into her breast.
He wanted it so badly it hurt.
And then he realised that there was something else wrong with the picture. He’d been so caught up in the image and the unexpected rush of love that he hadn’t seen the most obvious thing. He looked at Maddy and knew that she had spotted it, too.
‘What’s the gestation?’ he asked, a sinking feeling in his gut.
Madeline’s hand shook as she pressed the button, fully aware that Marcus had seen the discrepancy. ‘Fifteen weeks one day,’ she read off the screen.
A storm of emotion swamped him as the implications became clear. He couldn’t be the father. ‘The baby’s not mine.’
‘What?’ Tabitha rose up onto her elbows. ‘No, that’s impossible.’
‘I’m afraid it is,’ said Madeline.
Then Tabitha lay back and burst into tears.
CHAPTER TEN
MADELINE made a huge show of unplugging the machine and cleaning the transducer as Marcus stood beside Tabitha, patting her back. She watched their casual intimacy with a sick fascination. Part of her wanted to run from the room but her body was reacting sluggishly to the frantic get-out signals from her brain.
‘I’m...so...sorry,’ Tabitha faltered out between huge sobs. ‘Please don’t h...hate me. I’m so...sorry.’
‘Come on, Tab. Stop crying.’ Marcus
wiped the goo off her tummy gently and pulled her shirt down. There was obviously more to this story. ‘Sit up, dry your face and tell me what’s going on.’
Tabitha did as he asked and Madeline handed him a box of tissues before heading for the door. She had to get out of here. Marcus and Tabitha needed to talk and she needed to leave them to it.
‘I have a patient to get back to,’ she said as she opened the door. ‘Take as long as you need.’
‘Wait, Maddy,’ Marcus said.
Madeline shook her head, refusing to look at him. ‘I have to get back.’
And she stepped out of the room and shut the door.
Marcus’s heart felt like a hot stone in his chest. She looked miserable and he couldn’t blame her. Performing the ultrasound must have been difficult and he really wished he could go to her. But, whether he liked it or not, this thing with Tabitha took precedence right now.
Grabbing a glass of water from the sink in the corner, he handed it over. ‘Talk,’ he said eventually, when her sobs had slowly dried to the odd hiccup.
‘It’s Tony’s.’ Tabitha stared into the glass of water. ‘That’s why he left me. I told him I was pregnant and he freaked.’
‘But...why?’ Marcus could understand a twenty-two-year-old freaking out but a guy in his mid-thirties with a career and a stable source of income?
‘Something about not having a clue about kids. I think he just panicked, it wasn’t like we’d planned it or anything. And then you came along that night and I thought maybe if I got back with you then Tony would be jealous and realise that he couldn’t live without me. Or the baby.’
Marcus shut his eyes. ‘God...Tab. What the hell were you thinking? This isn’t like you.’ None of her behaviour since landing on his doorstep had been like the Tabitha he knew.
‘I know, I’m sorry, I was desperate. I know how you feel about fatherless kids and, well...you’d married me once before for the sake of a baby.’
‘How long did you plan on keeping this charade up for? Would you really have let me marry you?’
‘Would you have married me?’
He stared at her for long moments. ‘I don’t know, Tab. Maybe.’
‘I wouldn’t have let you marry me.’
Well, thank heaven for small mercies. ‘So you were just going to...manipulate me for a little while longer?’
‘Oh, God, it sounds so callous, I know. I love him, Marcus. I just wasn’t thinking straight. I’m so, so sorry. I had no right to involve you.’
‘Damn right you didn’t.’ Marcus paced around the room. ‘Hell, Tab, have you any idea what you’ve done?’
‘Maddy.’ She nodded. ‘I’ve ruined it for you, haven’t I?’
‘I don’t know.’ Marcus ran a hand through his hair. ‘But you sure as hell have muddied the waters.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Tabitha apologised again. ‘She seems nice.’
‘She is. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years.’
‘And then I went and messed it up. Ugh. It’s unforgivable of me.’
‘You know you just could have asked me to talk to Tony or something. Since when have I ever knocked you back?’
‘I know. I just felt so foolish, being in the same tight spot all over again. Maybe it was hormones? It seemed like a really good plan at the time. I just hadn’t factored in Maddy or your feelings for her.’ The tears started again. ‘What can I do to fix it?’
Marcus stopped pacing, alarmed. ‘Oh, God, Tab. You’ve done more than enough! Just go back to Melbourne and stay the hell out of it.’
‘Okay, okay.’ She held her hands up in surrender and there was silence in the room while Marcus paced. ‘Madeline’s the one, isn’t she?’
He stopped pacing. ‘Yes, she is.’
‘Well, what are you waiting for? Tell her your ex-wife is a manipulative, conniving bitch. Tell her I’m unbalanced. Tell her I’m sorry. Tell her whatever it takes but just get her back.’
Marcus didn’t need to be told twice.
Marcus knocked gently on Madeline’s office door and opened it cautiously. He knew she was alone because a worried Veronica had told him so. ‘Something’s wrong, Marcus,’ she’d said, eyeing him suspiciously.
He’d patted her hand. ‘Yeah. I know.’
‘Have you two had your first tiff?’
Now, there was an understatement. ‘Something like that.’
Veronica had stood, leaned across the desk pulled him down by the scruff of his shirt until they’d been eye to eye. ‘You hurt her and I’ll kill you.’
And he’d believed her.
Madeline looked up at the knock to see Marcus standing in her doorway. She’d been having a good cry and knew she must look a mess. She sat up straight, pulled a tissue out of the box on her desk and blew her nose.
Marcus swallowed at the distant look she shot him feeling completely lost. His arms ached to hold her but he was losing her. ‘Please, Maddy. Tell me what to say to make it better. I don’t know what to say.’
‘Well, that makes two of us.’
‘The baby’s not mine, Maddy.’
‘No, but you wanted it to be. You wanted that baby — I saw it in your face.’
A denial rose to his lips but he thought better of it. Seeing the baby on the screen had definitely tripped his paternal switch. For a second, blocking out all the convoluted mess of the last twelve hours, he had wanted the baby.
But he’d wanted it to be theirs. His and Maddy’s.
‘You’re right,’ he admitted. ‘I had a revelation when I saw that baby on the screen that really pulled me up. I realised that after years of not wanting to be a father that I did want to be one. That I did want a baby. I’ve never felt that way. Never. And it’s because of you. Loving you makes me want things I’ve never wanted before. I wanted it to be our baby on that ultrasound screen. Yours and mine.’
Madeline swallowed hard. His voice was husky with passion. The plea in his voice unmistakable. She let herself think about his child inside her for a moment. A part of him. A family of her own.
It had been so long since she’d been part of a family.
He sounded genuine and despite the dictates of her sensible brain, her heart was flowering, his earlier declaration of love and his admission that he wanted to have babies with her like welcome rain nourishing fragile petals. She felt the bloom swelling in her chest and she wanted to have the chance to nurture it.
But at the same time, her brain urged retreat. How could she put her heart out there again? She’d taken a risk with him and his heat and his passion had warmed her all the way through and it had been fantastic - while it had lasted. But the ending had been awful and she just couldn’t trust him with her heart again.
How could she knowingly get involved with someone still so heavily caught up with his ex-wife? Sex with the ex might be a hip thing to do these days but she couldn’t live like that. How could she trust that he wouldn’t succumb again?
‘And what happens when Tabitha turns up our doorstep one day and you end up in bed together?’
Marcus blinked. Did she really think he would cheat on her? Anger flashed hot and quick through his veins. ‘What?’
‘Well, you’ve obviously had problems in the past, realising you’re divorced,’ she pointed out, trying to stay calm.
‘Let’s get this straight,’ Marcus said, beginning to realise the damage that had been done to Madeline’s trust. ‘What happened between Tab and I was incredibly stupid but I’m not going to apologise for it. I’m sorrier than you can know that you got caught up in the consequences but we were both single and free to sleep with whoever we wanted, including each other. And in the ten years since our divorce it was the only time it ever happened.’
‘How do I know it won’t happen again?’
‘Because I don’t cheat, Maddy. Never.’
She so wanted to believe him. ‘But she’s very attractive.’
‘Listen to me,’ he said, crouching in front of her. ‘
I don’t love her, I don’t want her. I only ever want to be with you.’
Madeline looked into his earnest blue eyes and wanted to believe him, but the scene from last night kept replaying in her head and she didn’t want to trust her heart to him and be back in this position ever again.
She sat back in her chair, distancing herself from his presence. Her temples were starting to throb. ‘I don’t know, Marcus. Too much has happened. I can’t think properly.’
Marcus stood, bitterly disappointed that she hadn’t taken him at his word. ‘You shouldn’t have to think,’ he said calmly, trying to be rational. ‘You should know. We’ve been inseparable for six weeks. You should know in your gut. Trust your gut, Maddy.’
Just like a man to simplify the emotion out of it. Madeline shook her head and swallowed the threatening tears. He didn’t get to tell her what she should know. ‘The only thing I know in my gut at the moment is that the man who supposedly loves me is still sexually attracted to his ex-wife.’
Marcus felt that like a hammer between the eyes. How could he convince her that he felt nothing for Tabitha? ‘It wasn’t like that, Maddy. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.’
‘And when another moment comes along?’
He sighed, seeing the confusion in her eyes. She looked utterly torn. Too much had happened and they weren’t getting anywhere by going back over the same ground.
‘I love you, Maddy, and I know you love me, too. We can make this work. Don’t shut me out.’
‘I can’t. You’re asking too much of me. Everyone I’ve loved has left me or let me down. My parents. Abby. Simon. And now you. I should have kept that damn ring on and pretended my life was fine.’
Marcus was horrified at the very thought. ‘Maddy, no.’ She’d been so shut off, so guarded. ‘You can’t seriously want to go back there.’
‘Yes,’ she said, nodding her head vigorously, tears streaming down her face. ‘Because I know how to play that role. There’s two roles I know how to play really well in my life. One is the shut-off Madeline and the other is the grieving Madeline. And I know which hurts less.’
‘Maddy.’
He reached for her but she shrank from it. ‘Get out,’ she said on a sob. ‘Just go. Please, go.’
