Barefoot

by Daisy Burton

  “Of course, you’re thinking of his feelings and worrying about not messing him around. Of course you are! For pity’s sake, Sal, stop being such a doormat. I’m quite sure he wasn’t thinking of you when he was balls deep in Maire…” Jess’s face dropped when she turned and saw Sal’s eyes welling up.

  “Shit. Okay, sorry. That was a bit harsh ...” she admitted, reaching for the box of tissues.

  Sal wiped her eyes, determined to be stronger and did her best to ignore the comment. “I’m thinking of both of us, not just him. I must have been doing something wrong if he was open to her advances, and we need to work on whatever was going wrong, if we can. If I can’t forgive him, then there’s no point carrying on and I’ll know that by the time we get back.”

  “Well, he’s bound to do it again because that’s what Marsh does. It’s the Marsh I knew and loved before you came along,” Jess fell into reminiscing so easily. “He was a popular guy with the groupies back in the day, that’s for sure. I’m sure he loves you, but I don’t think he knows how to be faithful, now. Don’t forget that you’re able to be happy on your own - you did it for years after David and before you met Marsh - you can do it again.”

  Sal desperately needed someone else to believe that she and Marsh could get through this, but it wasn’t easy finding anyone. “I know that, but I can’t give up on us unless I know I’ve really tried to make it work. He says he loves me and only wants me and I want to believe he won’t do this again, but I have to be sure.”

  “You can’t ever be absolutely sure, Sal. You can make yourself crazy checking that he’s not doing anything he shouldn’t, but at some point you’ll have to start trusting him again. It’s a hell of a risk, when you’ve had your heart broken. Are you sure you want to do this?” Jess softened, took Sal’s hand and squeezed it with a gentle smile.

  Sal held it for a couple of seconds, then broke away and took a big slurp of tea from the mug Jess had made her.

  “How are you feeling, now, anyway?” Sal changed the subject. “Is everything back on track after the op?”

  “Well. It’s shit, you know, but at least we’re allowed to have sex again now. Adam’s been a bloody dream, though, looking after me. He’s kept his mother away from here while I’ve been getting back to normal, and we barely see her these days, which is wonderful.”

  “Good. He’s taken all of the control away from her in the last few years, hasn’t he? Completely put her in her place. He needed to; she was so awful to you. Is she still bad-mouthing you?”

  “No,” Jess said with obvious relief. “Not around Adam anyway, and we have no way of knowing if she does it with anyone else, but I’m past caring now. He’s made it clear to her that if she dares to do it while he’s around now, she won’t see him again. When he first exploded at her about it, he stayed away from there for six months! I couldn’t believe it, and she went crazy not being able to see her beloved boy. After that, I think she got the message.” Jess’s face broke into a wry grin.

  “Well, quite right too,” Sal nodded. “Though I imagine it would be lovely for Adam if you and his mum got along. Are you all healed physically now? And are you coping okay with everything?”

  “Yup, it’s all healed, inside and out and there’s no physical pain, I have to be careful with lifting things for a bit longer. Me and Adam are all good too.” Jess smiled and waved her hand dismissively as she drank her tea.

  Despite Jess’s bravado, Sal could see the shadow of gut-wrenching sadness inside her friend.

  “It’s not easy, dealing with everything you’ve been through, Jess. I’m proud of you both – you’re dealing with it so well.” Sal reached over and held Jess’s arm as she spoke, her hand warm from nestling the mug.

  Jess smiled weakly, but then pulled away. “It’s fine,” she assured Sal firmly.

  Sal wasn’t sure she believed her.

  *****

  Back at home that evening, Sal looked around the living room while she waited for Marsh to return from rehearsals. They’d kept the Christmas decorations up much longer than they usually did, mainly because neither of them had the energy to take them down. But today was the day, she decided.

  Dismantling the tree and carefully boxing it up with all the baubles and decorations, she realised that it was helping her mood no end. Those decorations only reminded her of the events over Christmas and New Year, and she wished she’d taken them down much sooner. In fact, the way she was feeling she could have quite happily taken it all into the garden and set fire to the lot - if it hadn’t been almost entirely plastic.

  She looked over at the table, where Marsh had left his switched-off mobile. He rarely took it with him any more, in an attempt to allay Sal’s worrying mind, and as far as she knew, he hadn’t been on the computer once since New Year. He had gone to a rehearsal that evening and was going to great lengths to reassure her as to where he was and how long he’d be. He’d been so great that, although she’d been tempted, she hadn’t checked his mobile or the PC, despite being told she could. The urge to have a quick look had been powerful at times, and she had felt good when she hadn’t given in to it.

  Mel’s words had been eating into her brain, though, since that morning. What if he was just being careful and more secretive? Sal was having so much difficulty in trusting him inwardly, that it didn’t take much for the niggling voice in her head to pop up and start wreaking havoc.

  Sal felt utterly inferior in every way when she compared herself to Maire. She couldn’t work out why on earth Marsh would want to be with her, when he could be with someone like that woman. Sal had lost a little weight since New Year, but not through trying. Her appetite had lessened, while her anxiety levels had stayed high, so eating hadn’t been particularly appealing. As she stared into the mirror, her cheekbones were more pronounced than usual, and she was looking gaunt. Baggy-eyed.

  Bugger.

  She was certain that Maire would try to contact him, but what if he couldn’t resist, and replied? Still, without his mobile, it wasn’t only Maire he couldn’t contact, he couldn’t let Sal know all was well either. That brought its own anxiety for Sal because she found she missed the reassurance of his texts or calls and she was cross with herself for feeling so needy.

  His mobile was taunting her and the need to look was becoming overwhelming. She decided that she should have a quick peek to check that he hadn’t been in contact with Maire. Then surely she would be able to trust him a bit more, and he’d be able to take his mobile with him?

  It wouldn’t take more than a few minutes to switch it on, see what was on there and switch it off again. She wasn’t sure why she felt as if she was doing something wrong because he’d given her full permission to look whenever she felt the need. She walked over and picked it up. It was the same model as hers, so she knew how to use it. A wave of guilt washed over her and she looked over her shoulder as she pressed the ‘on’ button and waited, despite knowing the house was entirely empty apart from a snoozing Lawrence.

  ‘Hello’ came up on the screen. As she waited for it to load properly, she noticed her hand was shaking. Taking a deep breath, she went to his ‘dialled calls’ and a cold sweat of anticipation and fear washed over her. He’d called her own mobile, their home line, Blue, Jess, Bud and Alex. His received calls had nothing unusual either. Then to the texts he’d received. One from his sister, one from Blue, another from Alex and one from Sal. Nothing from Maire, or anyone else.

  She moved to ‘stored numbers’, but she recognised almost all of them. Nothing was suspicious.

  On she moved, to ‘missed calls’. She was overcome with a terrible feeling of guilt that she was checking, but there, large as life, the last eight missed calls were all from the same number; one she didn’t recognise. It began with 353 – Eire. She switched it off quickly with a deep breath. Maire had been calling him, but he hadn’t been answering, or calling her back, as far as she could tell.

  Sal’s heart was racing ten to the dozen. A cup of tea might h
elp her get back to normal before Marsh got home, so she put the kettle on. She was cross with herself for letting her sister’s words get to her.

  For some reason, she couldn’t bear for Marsh to know she’d checked up on him, probably because he’d been truthful; he had cut off phone contact with Maire. Sal reasoned that if he’d done that, it was unlikely they were still talking on the computer, particularly as Marsh knew that’s how she’d found out in the first place.

  The relief was overwhelming, but she was still shaking as she poured the boiling water into her teapot. This was the sort of situation that called for a teapot, not a teabag in a mug. She put the last of the mince pies and a cup of tea on a tray, went into the sitting room and sank into the sofa.

  Lawrence took the opportunity to cash in on the fact that she was stationary for a couple of minutes and jumped into her lap. She smiled and scratched his neck as he started purring loudly, dribbling and kneading her thigh with his claws.

  She looked around the room she was sitting in. The house always looked so bare for the first couple of days after the decorations had been taken down; a stark reminder that January was in full flow. Sal didn’t mind the dark afternoons, the rain, frost and sometimes snow, though. The bleakness that other people usually felt in the first month of the year had never affected her and she loved feeling cosy inside when it was freezing outside. It helped that she was always careful to plan for Christmas in advance, so that she didn’t have a credit card balance to pay off. She’d learned that from Jess.

  She could see out of the window from the sofa and she found the bare stark outlines of the trees beautiful, especially when it was frosty, like today.

  “Oh Lawrie, boy, am I doing the right thing?” she said out loud.

  He didn’t answer, thankfully, but continued to purr and head-booped her hand as she held it out. Lawrence had been so attentive to her during the run-up to Christmas. Sal believed that cats can always tell when things aren’t right, and he’d taken to sleeping on the chest near her side of the bed every night while Marsh was gone. He watched over her while she was alone, but he had never done it before or since.

  The tea worked its magic, and as she began to calm down, Sal smiled to herself. She was daring to feel that it was going to be alright again and that they were on the right track.

  Now, she was sure she could look forward to her holiday across the ocean with Marsh.

  13

  The next four weeks passed quickly, and in a blur of normality - gigs, photos, and packing for their big adventure. Sal didn’t have much time for anything else, which was a blessing. With so much to do, time to mull over what had happened, worry, check up on Marsh, or brood, was limited.

  Marsh had been very much back to his usual self, except that he occasionally complimented Sal. She wasn’t complaining, but she hated feeling suspicious whenever he did something nice for her.

  Doug popped round to see Sal when the band was holding a planning meeting, and they didn’t need him.

  “Hellooo?! Anyone home?” he shouted through the letterbox.

  “Yes, I’m here! Hold on,” she called out, rushing to unlock the door with a huge grin. She invited him in and hugged him hard.

  “How’ve you been? I’ve seen you at work but it’s been difficult to get time to speak to you alone. I hope you don’t mind me coming around now?”

  “Douglas, you’re welcome here any time, you must know that. Thank-you so much for looking after me on New Year’s Eve. I don’t know where I’d have been without you. Fancy a coffee? It’s so cold and damp out there.”

  “Okay, thanks, but only if it’s not going to put you out. I don’t want to interrupt you if you’re busy.”

  Sal smiled at his thoughtfulness and went to put the kettle on and arrange a few biscuits on a plate.

  As carried them in, she could see Doug sitting on the sofa leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs, looking rather uncomfortable.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked as she sat down next to him.

  He twiddled his thumbs and smiled at her. “Yeah, nothing’s wrong, don’t worry. I’ve been wondering if you’re doing alright. I heard that you’re off on holiday shortly, so that’s hopefully a good sign?”

  “It’s so exciting!” Sal squealed, relieved to feel able to show her excitement to someone without being judged. “We fly tomorrow. I’m getting my head around everything to do with Maire now. Don’t get me wrong, I have the occasional tricky moment, but I guess that’s to be expected. As far as I know, they’re not in contact now? Marsh has said they aren’t and I believe him. It’s more about trusting myself now because I should have picked up that something was wrong between us, way before anything happened. I feel so stupid that I didn’t notice …” She realised she’d been gabbling and ground to a halt.

  “None of this was your fault, Sallie,” Doug said firmly. “Don’t go blaming yourself for his weakness. That doesn’t mean you can’t learn from this whole mess, though. Hopefully, it will mean that you both work hard at the relationship in the future.”

  “It will, I’m sure of it,” Sal said, realising that she sounded more definite than she felt. “I’m working hard on it from my perspective and I hope he is, too. He’s certainly being more romantic, now.”

  “Good, and so he should,” Doug smiled. “I… erm… thought you’d like to know that she called round to my place on New Year’s Day. She came looking for him, but I told her he’d moved back home and that she should go back to hers and leave him well alone. She wasn’t best pleased at that, and went off muttering and swearing at me, but I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

  “She’s been calling Marsh’s mobile,” Sal whispered, sheepishly. “I did have one quick look, and there were loads of missed calls from her, but none were actually answered from what I could see.”

  “Well if he were to answer her, he’d be even more of an idiot than he has been. He’d definitely lose you, and he must know how bad that would be. I reckon he’ll cut her out, but make sure you go on any Irish tours from now on, eh,” Doug quipped with a dry smile, as he finished off his biscuit and took a big glug of tea.

  “It’s kind of you to say,” Sal blushed. “I’m hardly a catch, though, and she’s beautiful. I can’t compete with that. All I have is our history – our time together. He’s invested time and energy in us and I guess that’s what’s winning.”

  Doug choked hard on his tea, and Sal laughed until it became clear that he was having genuine trouble in catching his breath. She whacked him hard between the shoulder blades and ran to get him some water. It was a couple of minutes before he could breathe or speak properly again.

  “Sorry, but that’s ridiculous,” Doug wheezed, still a pale mauve. “You’re a much better catch than her! Christ, look at you: brains, talent, looks, a great, natural figure, you wipe the floor with her. She’s a shallow-minded, vicious, jealous flirt who thinks she’s superior to everyone, simply because she’s had a boob job.”

  Sal was quite taken aback by the compliments and the strength of his attack on Maire, but she was inwardly relieved that he’d said those things. She hoped that Marsh agreed with him.

  “Thanks. You’re so kind to me.”

  “It’s not kindness, Sal, it’s the truth. I should probably make a move, though,” he pointed at the door as he started to get up. “I only wanted to check you were all good before you went away.”

  “Thanks Doug, you’re such a good friend. I’ll bring you something back from Colorado,” she smiled. Then something occurred to her. “Wait, a boob job? So, you’re saying they’re not real?”

  “See you, Sal,” he said, grinning broadly. “Have a great holiday, yeah?”

  *****

  Marsh and Sal arrived in Colorado after a long and uneventful flight, other than a young baby screaming in full voice for at least five hours of it. Sal had managed to sleep for a couple of hours, but as they were landing at lunchtime, she wanted to try to stay awake until state-side
bedtime. Thankfully they didn’t have far to drive once they’d picked up their hire car, and they were in Boulder within the hour.

  It was the most beautiful state, and even from the tiny part she’d seen on the journey from the airport, it was living up to all of her expectations. She’d been to a few states with the band and they were all amazing in their own way, but this scenery was something else. It was a clear day and she could see the Rockies in the distance as they drove from the airport, but she marvelled at what she later discovered were the Flatirons looming large. They were five beautiful, huge rock formations that surrounded Boulder like a gloved hand, white-topped and glowing reddish-brown in the February sun.

  Boulder itself was exactly the kind of place Sal loved. Despite the contemporary shops, it somehow retained the feel of an old, wild-west town. She half-expected to see a bar with swing flaps for a door and a horse tethered up outside. Sadly, there were neither.

  They’d opted to stay at The Wild Coyote Hotel, because it had looked amazing in the brochure and sounded perfect. She’d noted from the brochure that the hotel’s water was provided by the nearby Arapahoe Glacier, which fascinated her. As they walked in, she decided the place was almost certainly haunted by native spirits.

  Their room was a decent-size with a huge window, and was decorated in the style of 1900s America, reflecting when the hotel was built. She threw herself onto one of the huge beds, which was easily the size of two double beds put together. She was shattered and had to stop herself from giving in to overwhelming tiredness. She closed her eyes for a short moment and when she opened them, Marsh was standing over her, smiling.