Barefoot

by Daisy Burton

  It turned out, rather fortuitously, that Kate had been dealing with a massive crush on Mel for some time. She’d been concerned about her getting home safely that night, so she had walked with her. Equally, in a rather sweet turn of events, Mel confessed to Kate that she had been the reason for Mel’s confusion about her sexuality. They’d been an item from that point on, even when Mel had thrown up a doner kebab over Kate’s feet later that night. They had remained completely besotted ever since. They’d kept it very quiet, yet had still had to deal with a lot of bigotry and hatred from people they didn’t know and a few they did.

  Sal listened intently to the story, and was glowing by the end of it, though she was upset that they’d had so much hate to deal with, too. Kate seemed like such a lovely woman, and it was clear that they adored each other. It appeared that Kate was especially good at organising, and that dovetailed perfectly with Mel’s total inability to organise anything. The way they looked at each other, even after two years together, made Sal feel emotional. She wished their mum was alive to see Mel settling down and she welled up.

  “Oh, come on you silly old bag, don’t cry.” Mel was grinning at her sister, who was totally overcome.

  Kate went over and put her arm around Sal.

  “Are you alright, Sallie?” she asked.

  “I’m bloody marvellous,” Sal snivelled noisily, wiping her eyes. “It’s the best news I’ve had in years! I wish mum was here to see this, though. And I wish you hadn’t had to deal with such horrible people.”

  “Yeah, me too,” Mel put her arm around her big sister. “Anyway, I feel so much better now you know. How’s things with you and Marsh after the holiday? Was it amazing over there? I missed you.”

  Mel’s words came tumbling out, but when Sal flushed, Mel could tell something had gone on. She knew her sister far too well.

  “Okay, come on,” Mel frowned. “What’s happened now?”

  “Marsh… well, he kind of asked me to… marry him.”

  Mel looked at Kate, then back at her sister.

  “Shuuuuut the front door! And you decided to tell me only now because…?” It was Mel’s turn to feel affronted.

  “… I said no.”

  “Oh my god, sis, I’m so proud of you!” Mel forgot herself, as usual. “Wait, so you’re not together anymore?” It was obvious to Sal that Mel wasn’t thinking about how her big sister might be feeling about all of this. She was just ploughing on in with a huge grin on her face.

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but we’re still together,” Sal quipped. “He knows why I said no. I didn’t want him to ask me because he felt guilty. When he proposes to me, it’s got to be for the right reasons.”

  Sal tried to move the conversation over and began regaling her sister with long descriptions of her holiday, being careful to leave out Marsh’s last, minor indiscretion.

  “Right, so what aren’t you telling me? I can see you haven’t had a good time of it, and you would never have taken off like you did when you got home if something hadn’t been wrong. I thought it was a problem with Jess, but clearly that’s not right. It can’t be only that you turned down his proposal. He might be upset at that, but this is about you.”

  Shit. She knows me too well.

  Sal was quite nervous of telling Mel the full story, but she was rumbled. She figured that Kate might be able to keep Mel relatively calm, so, taking a deep breath, Sal regaled the whole sorry tale.

  Mel sat quietly, saying nothing. She was flushed by the end of it, and Sal knew that could only be a bad thing.

  Kate frowned with concern. “Are you okay now, Sallie?”

  “Yeah, I honestly am. I’ve got my head around it to a degree. I’m going to give it another go with him.”

  “Oh great! I’ve got a fucking idiot for a sister,” Mel literally snarled. “You wait ‘til I see that shitbag.”

  “Mel, no,” Sal pleaded. “I don’t need you weighing in and making things worse again. We’re working on it, so please trust me and let me see if it will work. Concentrate on Kate and building your home together. Please?”

  Thankfully, Kate intervened with a voice of reason and Sal was relieved that her sister seemed to listen to her girlfriend. For now, at least.

  Mel’s fierce defence of Sal had been quite sweet when they were at school and she had stepped up to people who were bothering Sal. In those days, Mel was tiny and so slight that the aggressors could have swatted her away like a fly, but she didn’t care when she was enraged. Now, though, it had much more serious implications for Sal. Mel could easily drive Marsh away before Sal had figured out what she wanted to do.

  Sal watched her sister swallow her anger, and try to get a handle on it. She’d always had trouble dealing with her temper and the doors in this flat bore witness to Mel’s occasional inability to do so.

  Sal tried to change the subject in an attempt to ease the highly-charged atmosphere.

  “I got some great photos from Colorado and I’m taking some in Germany next week, too. You’re both welcome to come to ours after I’ve sorted them out, if you like? I’ll do dinner and everything – have a proper photo evening? Then you can meet Marsh, Kate! Be prepared,” she grinned at Kate with a twinkle in her eye.

  *****

  When she got home, Sal was exhausted from the morning, and Marsh had already left for the rehearsal. It felt like she hadn’t seen him at all since they got back from holiday, mainly because she pretty much hadn’t. She walked over to the coffee table and saw the note she’d left him earlier that morning. He had added a scribble on the bottom:

  Gone to rehearsals, Pumpkin pie. Love you more than you will ever know, and always will. I’m so sorry for fucking everything up. M xxx

  Bloody hell. She couldn’t remember the last time he’d left one of those notes. He’d done it a lot when they were first together and he knew how much she loved it, but it had been at least two years. And he’d said sorry in writing, too. That was something else that was new. She was suddenly missing him dreadfully.

  Maybe things are starting to improve? Maybe he does actually mean it?

  She dragged herself upstairs, where the bed remained unmade – he’d left it exactly as he’d got out of it. He’d also left the wet towels from a shower on the bed, and there was a pool of water on the bathroom floor where he’d got out of the shower without standing on the mat. Even he wasn’t usually this bad.

  She couldn’t face the mess, so she climbed into bed fully clothed and pulled the duvet over her for five minutes. It was still vaguely warm from Marsh, so he couldn’t have been gone long. She snuggled up on his pillow, and drifted off.

  She had no idea how long she’d been out for, but she was rudely awakened by a loud knocking at the front door. She prised her eyes open, dozily pushed herself up from the bed and padded down the stairs. She was fully dressed, so she opened the door, squinting in the bright spring sun. It was the Police. Two of them – a man and a woman.

  “Sallie Ford?” The woman who was speaking was taking off her hat. Sal was half-asleep, but she could tell this wasn’t good.

  “Yes, officer, is there a problem?”

  “Is it alright if we come in, Miss Ford?”

  “Of course.” She stood back and let them in, closing the door behind them. The woman indicated for her to sit down on the sofa, and they both joined her.

  Shit.

  “I’m so sorry, Miss Ford,” the officer said, gently, “but Marshall Simpson has been involved in a car accident.”

  Sal froze. “Sorry, what?” she was suddenly much more alert. “Is he okay?”

  The officers both looked gravely serious.

  “I’m very sorry, Sallie,” the female officer continued, touching her arm and speaking gently, “… but I’m afraid he was fatally injured. His body is being taken to Heatherford Hospital.”

  *****

  The last time Sal had walked into that main entrance, she’d been on her way to see Jess in the maternity ward. Now, she was going to the
hospital mortuary to see Marsh. It didn’t seem real. She had a ringing in her ears and felt queasy.

  The officer had explained as gently as he could that Marsh had been in a head-on collision with a concrete wall, and that he’d been driving far too fast with no seatbelt. Luckily, no one else was hurt or affected, and that in itself was a minor miracle for the time of day.

  The officer continued to explain that the paramedics had arrived quickly and had tried for several minutes to revive him, but his injuries had been too extensive and he’d been pronounced dead at the scene. The other officer had made Sal a mug of sweet tea and asked if there was anyone who she wanted to attend the hospital with her. She immediately thought of Jess. The Police had apparently made contact with Jess before taking Sal to the hospital, and she was on her way there. Sal didn’t remember getting to the hospital with the Police. Everything looked hazy – as if she were watching it on a TV screen and through a dense fog.

  Sal honestly didn’t think she could cope with this on her own, it all felt so surreal and unworldly. The one thing she knew, despite her dream-like state, was that she needed to see Marsh. He couldn’t be dead. She would wake him up.

  She was numb, but trembling as she walked into the mortuary, supported by one of the officers. She sat on a horrible, uncomfortable plastic chair exactly like the one she’d sat in while she was waiting for Jess to come out of surgery. Those chairs never meant anything good was happening. She hated the chair with a passion.

  One officer sat in a gentle silence with Sal. The mortuary assistant, who came out to speak to the officer gave Sal a sympathetic look, which was enough to make her feel sick. People were feeling sorry for her, which meant it really was happening. Her stomach was tight, her head was swimming and she couldn’t hear properly. It was a dream-like feeling, and for a while she thought that perhaps she was asleep on their bed at home instead. That this was all a horrible dream, conjured up by her subconscious mind because of what had been happening with Marsh.

  She shook her head to try and focus her hearing on what the assistant was saying, but all she could hear was the rushing of blood in her ears. The next thing she knew, Jess was sitting next to her, crying and holding her knee.

  Sal looked down and saw she was holding some tissues in one hand, and a plastic cup of water in the other, but she had no recollection of having been given either. Jess put her arm around Sal, but Sal sat motionless.

  He couldn’t be gone forever; they had things they needed to do. Together. Things to sort out. Things to say.

  “Sal, sweetheart? Can you hear me? I don’t think you should do this now.” Jess’s voice broke through the haze.

  “I want to see him.” Sal spoke firmly.

  These were the first words that Sal was aware she’d spoken since she got there. She knew more definitely than anything that she couldn’t leave the hospital without seeing him and she was pretty certain that they’d said they needed her to identify his body, if she could manage it. She was damned sure that no one else was going to do that. No way.

  “I know, Sal, but it’s such a shock. I’m sure I can identify ...”

  “I want to SEE him.”

  Sal was suddenly feeling quite lucid and determined, and that came out too loudly. It was her man in there, and whatever the cost to her, she had to see him.

  “Okay, okay,” Jess tried to calm her friend. “Look, I’ll go and let them know.”

  Sal looked across at the door opposite her. A double swing door with metal kick protectors on them, and with obscured glass reflecting from the two small window sections. The windows had the blinds pulled closed and she could see a bright fluorescent light through the tiny slits. She realised that the smell coming from that room was particularly unpleasant. It smelled of hospitals, obviously, but there was another chemical kind of smell. She wondered if that’s what death smelled like.

  Sal hadn’t been able to see her mum at the hospital when she died. She hadn’t got back from the States in time. She’d chosen not to see her at the undertaker’s; it had been too much to bear at that point, and she wanted to remember her mum as full of life, not on a slab or in a coffin. She’d regretted it soon afterwards, and there is no way she was going to do the same now. She wanted to say goodbye in person to her Marsh. Through her addled thoughts, numbness and haze, she knew that much. But it had to be now – if she left it until later, there was a chance she’d buckle and back out of it.

  The bed had been warm from his body when she’d climbed into it a short time before. Surely he’d have some warmth left in him now?

  She’d never seen a dead body before, let alone someone so close to her. The nerves bit into her stomach as she stood outside the room, unsure as to what she would see. ‘They’ had said his head would be all she’d be able to see, and there was some bruising on his face, but nothing frightening. They would turn down the sheet to cover from his neck down, where the majority of his injuries were. She knew she was as prepared as she could be.

  “Shush. I won’t hear of it. I’m coming in with you.” Jess insisted. She could be bloody stubborn, but Sal liked that about her now. “I’ve let the band know, because they were waiting for him. They’re all shocked, of course, but I didn’t have time to explain. I’ll let Alex and Blue know, shortly, too.”

  Oh crap. The girls.

  She’d completely forgotten that they’d need to be told. She would have to be the one to do that, she wouldn’t want anyone else to do it for her.

  A man in a white coat came over to Sal and handed her a large, clear, plastic bag containing Marsh’s belongings: his wallet, some change, a comb with a few precious strands of his hair in, his necklace that she’d bought him for his 50th, his watch, his ear stud, and his mobile, which was broken into pieces. His guitar case was also in the car, and it was battered but intact. Sal choked back the crushing wave of pain that hit her when she saw it, so Jess took the bag and rested the case against the wall, out of sight from Sal.

  *****

  The cool air made her skin goosebump as she walked into the lab. Or maybe it was seeing her Marshy under a sheet, in an essentially empty, clinical, brightly lit room. Either way, a wave of chill ran over her body when she saw him and her eyes prickled.

  That was Marsh. But it wasn’t. She nodded to indicate that it was him, but her heart was racing so hard that her head started to bang.

  He looked so pale with a little bruising, but still peaceful. Not that different to when she’d left him asleep that morning, except his mouth was closed. His hair looked weird with a wrong parting, though.

  Oh no, he’d hate that.

  She arranged it, flicking it gently with her shaking, clammy fingers, just as she had so many times before.

  There. That’s better. Exactly how he likes it.

  She had a powerful urge to climb on the trolley and lay with him; but she had to fight it.

  He’ll be so lonely on his own and so cold.

  She had stuff she needed to say to him, but there was something missing. She couldn’t work out exactly what, but that wasn’t Marsh. He’d gone. It was only a body. The body that had loved her, hurt her and wowed audiences was still there, but the thing that made him Marshy was … gone.

  She bent down and whispered in his ear, “I love you, Marshmallow. I forgive you. Sleep well, gorgeous.”

  Kissing his cheek, he still felt a little warm, which surprised her. She wanted to shake him awake, but she knew she couldn’t, so she pulled away. A rogue tear fell from her eye and dripped onto his face, but he didn’t flinch. It dripped down the side of his cheek and into his ear making it look as if it were his tear. He was looking paler than when she came in, so it was time to go. She couldn’t take any more.

  Wiping her face with her palm, she stood up straight. Dignity. That’s what she needed now. She took a deep breath and held onto Jess’s hand as they walked out together.

  19

  Sal went to see Alex and Blue immediately from the hospital. Although she was
feeling light-headed and foggy, she managed to hold it together for them. She felt as if she was on autopilot, but this had to be done. It was her duty as their stepmother.

  Having told their shocked mum, and gained her permission to tell the girls the awful news, Sal and Jess had done the deed. After cuddling Alex and Blue for a while, the two of them left the teens comforting each other with their mother.

  Kate had apparently dropped Mel over to Sal’s place, as she was pacing around on the drive when Sal got home. Jess must have called her, or she was psychic, but either way, Sal was grateful she was there. As soon as Jess realised that Mel was there to take care of Sal, she made her excuses and left. To be fair to Jess, she’d had a hell of a day too.

  Far from being a comfort, though, it seemed that Mel couldn’t stop crying. She was hysterical at points and, in the end, it was Sal who was comforting her. Sal could have done without that but, in a way, it was a distraction from her own numbness for a while. She knew that, deep down, Mel was fond of Marsh, but Mel was so distraught for so long, this had to be linked to something else. Maybe it had triggered memories of their mum’s death.

  Sal hadn’t cried properly, but she was getting to the stage where she could finally see through the fog, when she made the mistake of opening the ‘fridge door. Inside, right at the front, were the four black cherry yogurts she’d got for Marsh. She hated them, but Marsh loved to have them for breakfast with a banana.

  As soon as she saw them, Sal crumpled into a torrent of tears.