Go All In (A Go Novel Book 4)

by Scarlett Finn

“That’s what worries me, Crash,” she said, beseeching him.

  “I would do anything to keep you safe. Anything for us to be together,” he said. “There are no limits. I’d have slit the guy’s throat myself to keep you safe.”

  “I know and that’s why I said you love me too much. You love me so much that it blinds you to any sense of right and wrong. Your love for me is so powerful, it’s intense and now it has cost lives.”

  He swept up her hand again and leaned closer. “Do you love me, Trink?”

  “You know I do—”

  “And when I died, you wanted to hurt the people who hurt me,” he said. “You were ready to tear out Hagan’s throat.”

  “Because he attacked me.”

  “Is that the only reason?” he asked, making her squirm. “You say our love costs lives because I’m willing to go to any level for you, to pass every boundary and limit. But, baby, if I was in need, or I was hurting, would you do anything less for me?”

  No, she wouldn’t. Harlow had completely reinvented herself to avenge him; she’d embraced her cynicism. But that didn’t make it better. It didn’t make it right.

  “Ryske—”

  “Why did you ask me for that gun?” he asked. “When you came to Floyd’s and demanded the weapon, why did you want it? It was for Hagan, right?”

  Everyday taught her something new about herself, but this was pushing her limit. “He told me he was the one who arranged for Felipe to be hurt.”

  “And you saw red.”

  “It wasn’t like that,” she said, though it was. Harlow had been incensed and motivated. “I didn’t go over there to kill him. I wanted the gun for protection. After the way he’d treated me before, it made sense. He’d imprisoned me at his apartment. Assaulted me. I didn’t want that to happen again. No one knew where I was, it seemed like a sensible precaution.”

  His brow arched. “Trink, you were switched on. You weren’t making a calm, rational decision when you asked me for the weapon.”

  Flattening both hands on the table, her head was beginning to spin. It wasn’t great to have all the negative sensations of being drunk without the happy buzz, and that was how she felt. Like she’d had one too many and might throw up. Except she feared if she stood that her legs wouldn’t be stable enough to hold her.

  “I wanted the recording, something in his own words. I hated that he could imply he was the instigator with Felipe and we didn’t have a shred of proof. I knew he was still mad at you; he’d already made two attempts on your life…”

  “And if it happened again, or it was successful, you wanted something you could dangle in front of him… Because if I’d been dead or out of action, you wouldn’t have cared what happened to you or anyone else, right?” Like a naughty child, she kept her eyes on the table and shrugged her shoulders one after the other. “It wasn’t just self-defense, was it? The gun.”

  Raising her attention, she made eye contact. “I wanted to use it. If he’d given me the chance…”

  “You wanted something that would be final. Any hint he was going to put his hands on you or hurt you… you’d have used it.”

  She nodded. “I wanted him to give me the excuse.”

  “Because killing him would protect me from his agenda.” Again, she nodded. “So, baby, tell me, how is that any different from what I did?”

  “Maybe it’s not different,” she said. “But, that doesn’t mean it’s okay… Our love would’ve endured no matter what and that man would still be alive. If I had stayed in jail, no one would’ve died.”

  “No?” he asked, his expression opening. “You don’t think I thought about putting a gun to my head?”

  Horror made her lips part in a gasp. “Crash!”

  “I love you, Har. There’s nothing without you.”

  “That’s not true,” she said, grabbing hold of his chair to pull herself closer to the corner of the table. “You have the guys. You have your work. You have Floyd’s and the neighborhood. You have Felipe, and Anwen, and—”

  “Don’t say her name like that,” he spat as though the suggestion offended him. “Don’t say her name like she’s any kind of substitute for you.”

  Trailing a fingertip down his arm that was laying on the back of his chair, she drew her nail around the shapes on his wristband tattoo. “Have you been sleeping with her?”

  Touching the underside of her chin, his fingertip glided down the front of her throat to snag the loop of her necklace so he could guide her mouth forward to meet his. “You’re my girl, Trinket… If you want to put me in the doghouse for a few days or a few weeks, go ahead. But don’t ever kid yourself that this is over. There’s no such thing as over where us is concerned.”

  “We can’t hurt people,” she whispered, her mouth on his. “We can’t love each other so much that we’re willing to destroy other people’s lives.”

  Easing back, he met her eye. “I don’t give a damn about anyone else, Trink. I’ll destroy anything I have to, to keep you.”

  There was such conviction in him that she could almost feel it bleeding from his pores. He would do anything to have her, to keep her. The notion was so seductive that she couldn’t deny being aroused by it.

  But that only made it more wrong. She wanted him to love her as much as he did, but it was selfish of her to prioritize her desire over other people’s lives.

  Their food came. Ryske did his usual flirtation with the waitress, giving Harlow some time to regroup. He put noodles on each of their plates and was scooping her food from the serving dish when he spoke again.

  “We’ve got a plan for tomorrow night, you want in?”

  “Hmm?” she asked and then closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to reorient herself. “A plan, yes. I… I want to know the plan.”

  “You did a good job getting Ophelia to think the after-hours poker game was her idea.”

  She opened her chopsticks and selected a piece of her chicken to feed between Ryske’s lips as he scooped out his own dish onto his noodles. They always sampled each other’s food. Food in Floyd’s was community food anyway. It was impossible to claim ownership of anything in a home full of hungry, healthy men.

  “How do you know I did that?”

  He swallowed. “Anwen gave us the rundown,” he said and nodded at her plate. “That’s good.”

  She opened his chopsticks for him. “She told you I let Ophelia think it was her idea? I didn’t know Anwen knew we wanted after-hours poker.”

  “She didn’t,” he said, taking his chopsticks and picking out a vegetable for her to try. “But, she told us what happened and we know you, babe.”

  Chewing on the carrot he’d given her, she moaned at the pleasure of the taste. “That’s amazing,” Harlow said, and dipped her finger into his sauce.

  “Want to trade?” he asked, enjoying her enjoying it.

  “No, mine’s good too,” she said and swayed closer. “But, you will have to bring me back here.”

  “Not a bad start for a first date,” he said, and picked up some food in his chopsticks. His eyes slunk away from her when he murmured a melody. “I’m so getting laid tonight.”

  She poked his wrist with her chopsticks and then ate some more. “Did Anwen tell you about the rotation of women?”

  “And that I’ll be dispensing the drugs,” he said. “Yeah, she did… I don’t mind so much. I prefer to know which guy is with which girl, you know? Svetlana is good at looking after her girls, but if she’s working, someone has to be watching over them.”

  “Is she pretty?”

  He popped more food in his mouth. “Who?”

  “Svetlana,” she said. “I was thinking, I’m going to be in a building with fifty of your ex’s tomorrow…” Sitting straighter, what they’d just been discussing altered her perspective. “Or maybe I’m one of them now.”

  “There won’t be fifty; tomorrow will be like a soft opening. I haven’t slept with all of Svetlana’s girls. They rotate a lot. She has high turnover and I
haven’t seen her for a while. Doesn’t mean I don’t want Parratt to think I’ve experienced them; I can be more credible in protecting them if he thinks I have personal history with them.” Made sense. “And you are not my ex.”

  25

  Skimming over the topic of the state of their relationship, Harlow put down her chopsticks to pick up her beer. “What’s it like sleeping with a prostitute?”

  “That’s really your question?”

  “I’m curious,” she said. “Do you know any male prostitutes?”

  “Yeah,” he said with food in his cheek. “Haven’t slept with them though.”

  He was looking at her like she was crazy, but she just rolled her eyes. “Straight male prostitutes.”

  His chin bobbed when he swallowed to clear his mouth. “Sex with a hooker still counts,” he said, and flicked her necklace. “You’re mine. Even if you dump my ass, you don’t get to screw around with gigolos and then tell me it doesn’t count.”

  “Not for me,” she said. “Didn’t Anwen tell you about Ophelia’s big plan to have a space for women? She thinks we deserve the same opportunities as you men, and she’s not wrong, you know.”

  “Equal opportunity fucking.”

  “I like sex,” she said.

  He snickered, but kept eating. “I know.”

  “So, if I like it, other women can like it too… I know plenty of women who can’t get what they need from their husband or boyfriend… I’m not condoning cheating, but I’m saying, if those relationships end, women aren’t always comfortable bringing up their curiosities or their needs with their guy.”

  Frowning, he chewed. “What do you want that I don’t give you?”

  “Not us,” she said. “You… well, you’re different. You make sex a safe and happy place. Some men can make it awkward or be closed off to things.” She thought for a minute. “I’m trying to think if there would be anything I’d be embarrassed to ask you…”

  “Long as it’s not pegging or CBT, I’ll do it,” he said, washing down his food with a drink.

  She didn’t know what either of those things were, but him expressing his boundaries sort of proved her point. Even if she was to ask for them, he’d be comfortable enough to tell her no.

  “But, I’m me, I haven’t changed.” She scoffed. “I mean, my basic threshold hasn’t changed. I have fantasies now that I’ve always used when pleasuring myself—”

  “Keep talking,” he said and winked before feeding another carrot to her.

  “The way we are in bed is a pretty good representation,” she said. “But, I would never have dreamed of telling Rupert that.” Just the notion of trying to bring it up was enough to make her shudder. “How do you think he would’ve reacted if I told him to squeeze my throat or spank me?”

  “You didn’t ask me to spank you.”

  “No, but you knew I’d like it. Your sexual instincts are spot on. You have them honed.” She grinned. “I’ve been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of them… Why do you think so many women want you?”

  His mouth was still full, but that didn’t prevent him from responding to the rhetorical question. “Because I’m ultra-hot… It’s my super power.”

  Just giving him a look, she ignored his swagger and his wink. “You know how to treat each female, and you don’t treat any two the same.”

  He stopped playing. “It’s nothing to do with sex. I haven’t slept with Ophelia and you keep telling me she wants me.”

  “The mess you’re in with Ophelia, Anwen, and me is all interwoven. It’s about way more than sex.”

  “Yeah, the guys have some theory about how me falling in love with you started all this crap.”

  “Dover told me,” she said. “Ophelia is the one who feels most aggrieved. You were hers first.”

  “I was never hers.”

  “That’s not the way she saw it. She had this whole marathon plan for seduction and had pictured having a future with you. She developed real feelings for you based on actual time you spent together. She thought you were starting a real relationship.”

  “It was never like that.”

  “Not to you because you were used to having flirtations with women. Used to taking up with them, teasing, kissing, and moving on. Ophelia wasn’t used to that. She saw a relationship as a man and woman who like each other, they court, they get together. You showed her a whole other way.”

  “Just how much time did you two spend talking about me?”

  “I don’t have to ask her how you made her feel. I was that woman too. I didn’t have a damn clue what I was getting into when I met you.”

  “You haven’t ended up as a mad psycho intent on getting your way.”

  “Haven’t I?” she asked, making momentary eye contact. “Isn’t that what we were just talking about? How we’d go to any lengths for each other?”

  “We’re actually in love. Your feelings are reciprocated,” he said and waved his chopsticks at her. “No, I take that back. My feelings are reciprocated. I fell for you a damn sight longer before you fell for me.”

  She smiled and leaned in to tease. “Dover says you fell in love with me the night you fell over me.”

  “With the woman who put herself in front of me and didn’t flinch at Animal’s intimidation? I think you kept me alive that night by diverting blood to my dick and keeping it in my body. Fuck, I wanted you then and I haven’t stopped a minute since.”

  “You were bleeding out. Maybe I should put your feelings down to your brain being oxygen deprived. All this time I thought it was love, but it’s actually brain damage.”

  “Keep your cure because I want my disease,” he said, picking up her hand to kiss her palm.

  Admiring him as he adored her, Harlow didn’t want to ever think of a day when she’d have to walk away from him. But if they couldn’t control their ability to be rational because of each other, how could they head into the future together?

  “You didn’t finish telling me the plan,” she said, tearing her attention from him. “Are we agreeable to Ophelia’s setup and role allocation?”

  “We want to be as agreeable with Ophelia as we can be through the night to make sure we get what we want at the end of it.”

  “Then you better apologize to her for tonight,” she said. “Instead of kissing her, you kissed me. You embarrassed her by walking out on the meal she’d arranged… She agreed to poker after hours as an exchange for you coming to dinner.”

  “I don’t want to apologize.”

  Harlow grinned. “You’ll have to kiss her.”

  “Oh man,” he groaned like a child being told to go to bed. “I don’t even want to be nice to her.”

  “I don’t know how you’re going to do it in the space of one night, but you’re going to have to convince her that you’re into her, or at least intrigued.”

  “Convincing her of that has never been a problem,” he said. “It will be even easier in her sex club that she’s so proud of.”

  “You’re not allowed to have sex tomorrow night.”

  “Uh, we’ll be having sex.”

  “No,” she said. “Sex between investors is not allowed.”

  “And I say again. I haven’t invested dick.”

  She laid a hand on her upper chest. “As the woman who’s been calling herself your girlfriend until very recently, I’m happy about you not investing your dick into a sex club.” He smirked. “But you have invested. You’ve invested time and personnel… It’s actually better if we don’t anyway.”

  “Why?”

  “Because with all the sexy ladies around… the mood… the atmosphere, it won’t be difficult to get turned on.”

  He frowned. “You don’t want me to have sex with you because you’ll be too easily turned on? Trink, you’re always easy to turn on. All I have to do is look at you.”

  Almost fearing that he’d do it right there, when their eyes met, she slapped a hand over his. “I didn’t mean me. I meant you can be turned on with Ophelia. Att
ention will seduce her. But it’s against the rules, so you can’t have sex with her. Apologize, kiss her, get hard if you have to, she’ll like it, but you can’t do anything with it.”

  Her hand dropped to find his brow low beneath. “You think I flip a switch and it dances? I can’t get hard with her.”

  She groaned at him. “Of course you can.”

  “Anwen gave it a damn good shot and I had nothing for her.”

  Swallowing her feelings of nausea, she didn’t want to ask when he was referring to. “You got hard for her on Monday after we got back from my folks.”

  “When?” he asked and then scowled. “You mean the threesome thing when it was your hand doing the rubbing?”

  Harlow pointed her chopsticks at him. “My hand, but her direction.”

  “Your hand,” he said like that was enough. “That’s what my cock does when it gets your attention. Think you’d be used to it by now.”

  Intrigued, her head tilted. “Even around other women?”

  “Hey, it happens when the guys are around,” he said, raising his chopsticks high to pull out a noodle from the pile on his plate. “If my hard-on can survive Noon and Maze jabbering about intake manifolds on the other side of the shower screen, I can fuck you through anything.”

  “Well, we thank you,” she said, licking sauce from her finger.

  “We?”

  Dragging her finger through her sauce, she offered it to his mouth and he sucked it clean. “My pussy and I,” she said. He groaned around her finger and sucked it harder. “I’ve never had a lover more incredible, Ryske, and you know I never will again.”

  He pulled her finger from his mouth. “Stop saying goodbye to me,” he said. “All this past tense shit pisses me off.”

  “We just have to breathe,” she said, brushing her thumb across his lip and offering a smile. “And, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be on your crew as long as you’ll have me.”

  “Which will be forever,” he said. “You’ll be on my crew longer than anyone… You and our babies.”

  “I’m not pregnant,” she said, doing her best to stay calm. “I’m starting to think I look fat… I need to get back to Costello.”