by Alison May
‘I’ve got to drive back.’
Her face dropped a little. ‘You’re going straight back. You’ll not stay for your tea?’
‘Sorry.’
His mother shook her head. ‘Don’t worry. I know you young ones. Always somewhere to be.’
‘I need to tell you something.’
Eventually she fell silent. ‘Well go on then. I’ll not bite.’
‘I’m going to resign from my job.’
‘Don’t be daft.’
‘I’m not. I’m serious. I’m leaving my job.’
She frowned. ‘You’re in trouble, aren’t you?’
‘I’m not in trouble.’
‘Are you getting the sack? Is it these cuts?’
Dominic shook his head. ‘I’m not getting fired. I’m resigning.’
She looked horrified. ‘Why on earth would you do that? Your father worked at one place his whole career. You don’t want to be chopping and changing about.’
‘I’m not Dad.’ He took a deep breathe. The next part was the part he hadn’t dared say out loud before. ‘I hate being an academic.’
‘Don’t be silly. You’ve always wanted to be a Professor. You said so right when you watched those films.’
‘What films?’
‘You know.’ She stared hard at the television, as though her force of mind might make the film in question appear on the screen. ‘With the man in the hat and the snakes.’
‘Indiana Jones? My job is nothing like Indiana Jones.’
‘Well not the snakes.’ She harrumphed. ‘You could get yourself a hat. You’d suit a hat. Men don’t really wear hats any more, do they?’
‘Mum, I’m going to resign.’
Her saw her brow crinkle slightly. She shot a look at the empty chair across the room. ‘Your father always loved that you worked at a real university.’
‘I know.’
‘He’d tell strangers in the pub about you.’
‘I know. And I know you sacrificed a lot to get me there.’
She shook her head. ‘Well I wasn’t having you going to the comprehensive. Not with the kids from around here.’
He had a flash of her sitting here alone night after night, never going out for fear of the local kids. ‘I thought I might do teacher training.’
‘Aren’t you already a teacher?’
‘Proper teacher training. Think of it that I want to give other kids the sort of help you and Dad worked so hard to give me.’
She pursed her lips. It struck Dominic how unchanging her life must have been. She’d cared for her husband, and for her child. What was she to do with herself now?
‘Well it’s up to you I suppose.’
That was the best he was likely to get. Dominic leant forward and touched his mother’s hand. It felt small. She pulled it away. ‘So you’ve to get back, you say?’
He looked at the clock. ‘Perhaps cup of tea before I go?’
She nodded.
Emily
‘I know it’s a bit of a break from tradition, but I wanted to say a few words.’
Typical. Obviously Tania wants to say a few words. Why would she miss an opportunity to gloat about her victory? They’re married now. She’s going to make him move away from me. I try not to glower.
She thanks everyone for coming. Same old. Same old. Of course they’re not here for her. They’re all Dad’s friends. Will I make a speech at my wedding? I try to picture what my wedding will be like. I can’t see it. Even after all the bridal magazines I’ve been through with Tania, I can’t picture the wedding I want. That’s doesn’t matter though. When Dom comes back we can plan it together. I’ve decided that Dom is going to come back. He’s my only option now Tania’s won. I twist my engagement ring on my finger. I’m still engaged. I’m still going to be Mrs Collins. Nothing has to have changed.
Apart from Dom, who else will be at my wedding? My dad to give me away, which I suppose means Tania will have to be there. And Helen as a bridesmaid. Helen who kissed Dominic last night. Maybe not. That doesn’t matter. All that matters is that there can still be a wedding. And we can have a wedding list with lovely silver cutlery and matching china and a gravy boat on it. I can still be a proper wife with a proper home.
Tania is still going on. She’s thanking the caterers, and the florist, and the person who did the napkins. Actually the napkins were cool. They were folded into swans. Maybe I could have swan napkins too.
‘And that just leaves the two most important people here today.’
Can you believe that? She’s actually going to thank herself.
‘Theo and Emily.’
What?
‘Emily.’ She turns to face me. ‘You might not know all of this, but I’ve never had much of a family. I grew up with my grandparents, and I’ve never married.’ She giggles slightly at her faux pas. ‘Until today, obviously.’
The guests titter politely. She continues. ‘So I never thought I’d have a family at all. I know we’ve had our differences, and I don’t know anything about being a mother, and you’re all grown up and beautiful and clever and clearly you don’t need anyone to start being your mother now.’ She giggles again. ‘So you don’t need a mother, and I have no idea how to be one, but I hope that you will accept me as a part of your family, because I am so grateful, truly, to be part of yours.’
I can feel myself welling up. I’m not going to start liking Tania. She’s taking Dad away from me. I try to remember what Helen said. They don’t have to be living in my pocket to care for me. I’m properly blubbing now. Tania’s still watching at me. I try to give her a little nod and a smile. Maybe Tania can come to my wedding but she’ll have to wear something really ugly, and she’s not calling herself the mother of the bride.
She turns back to her notecards. ‘And finally, Theo. My husband.’ She giggles again. ‘Sorry everyone, but if you thought the last bit was soppy this is where it gets really unforgiveable.’ She turns to face my dad. ‘Theo, from the moment you picked me up out of the gutter in Verona ...’ She turns back to the guests. ‘That’s a long story. But from the moment you picked my out of the gutter to this moment right now, you have been my salvation. There are mountains of books about how to find love, about how to make yourself ready for love, about what you’re doing wrong if you can’t find love – I know, I’ve read them all – but here’s what I’ve learnt since I met you. They are all bollocks. Nobody is ever ready for love. You can’t plan the perfect relationship or put in the right work at the right time to find the right man. Love is something that drifts past you when you’re sitting in the gutter. All you can ever hope to do is grab hold of it when it passes, and then keep hold wherever it takes you. I love you Theo, and I promise to keep loving you no matter where it takes us.’ She puts her cards down on the table and reaches for her glass. ‘To Theo!’
The guests raise their glasses to Dad, but I can’t stop watching Tania. My dad stands and kisses her, softly and quickly. She’s got everything she needs.
I can’t concentrate through my dad’s speech. I think it involves some sort of metaphor about marriage and the English Civil War. I don’t really follow it, but I can’t imagine that it was a good idea. My brain is racing though. Tania’s right. You have to grab love when it finds you. You have to take hold and not let it go. It’s the only way you can ever be safe from ending up alone.
The second the speeches are over I excuse myself from the top table and run into the lobby. I’m going to need a taxi or a lift or something. How does this work in films? In films there’s a man in a uniform and he makes a taxi appear. There’s no man, and my phone is in my room because bridesmaids’ dresses don’t come with pockets, and the weird little satin pouch thing that goes with it is full of Tania’s stuff. Nobody tells you that about being a bridesmaid. It’s mainly carrying stuff for the bride that she’ll never need.
I will not be defeated by this problem. I set off to run up the curved staircase to find my phone. I will ring for a taxi. That w
ill involve a half hour wait for it to come, but it’s better than nothing.
‘Emily!’
I stop halfway up the stairs. Dom is standing in the lobby.
‘Dom!’
I lean on the banister rail. It’s almost like Juliet leaning on her balcony, only this story is going to have the proper fairy tale ending. This could be it. This could be my big romantic moment where I choose to follow Tania’s advice and grab love as it passes.
‘We ...’
‘I ...’
We both speak at once, and then both stop at once, and then both start up again. I giggle, and point at him. ‘You go.’
He sighs. ‘I think we need to talk.’
Yes. We do. And probably not by shouting at each other up the stairs. ‘Do you want to come up, or shall I come down?’
He pauses. ‘It’s quiet outside. We could walk.’
I run back down the stairs, and follow him out towards the car park. The heat outside hits me like a wall. It’s hot and close, the sort of weather that usually comes much later in the summer, and makes people mutter about humidity and gathering storms. We make our way past the gaggle of smokers by the door and onto the lawn.
‘So do you want to go first or shall I?’
I ought to go first. If this is my moment to grab hold of love, I should go first and jump in with both feet. I shrug. ‘After you.’
He closes his eyes and stands still for a moment. ‘I don’t know where to start. I mean there’s all the stuff from last night, but I don’t even know whether it’s worth getting into that.’
Why wouldn’t it be worth getting into that?
Dom starts walking again, slowly across the lawn. ‘I think we have to start being honest about who we are.’
‘I know who you are.’
He shakes his head. ‘I think you know who I planned to be. I think you know who I’ve been trying to be.’
That doesn’t make sense. Dom is exactly who I think he is. He’s solid. He’s reliable. He’s the quick drying woodseal of potential partners. You know exactly what you’re going to get. ‘Of course I know you. We’re engaged.’
Dom swallows. ‘I think the jury’s still out about that.’
Right. Yes. Of course. ‘But that’s what we need to talk about ...’
He stops and turns to face me. ‘Stop. You need to listen to me.’
I shake my head. ‘Don’t be silly, Dom. I know who you are. You’re a history professor. You live on Southside in a Victorian house. You went to an all boys’ school.’
He puts his hand up. ‘That’s not who I am. For starters, I hate being called Dom. It makes me sound like I should be starring in fifty shades of whatever.’
I can feel myself pouting. ‘It’s cool. It makes you sound young and dynamic.’
‘But I’m not young and dynamic.’ He pauses. ‘Sorry. That wasn’t what I wanted to tell you. I’m going to resign from the university.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t enjoy it. I’m going to leave.’
Leave? He can’t leave. ‘So you’ll be unemployed?’
‘Hopefully not for too long. I’m thinking of retraining.’
‘So you’ll be a student?’ I can’t be engaged to a student. Students don’t live in nice houses. Students eat pot noodles. I don’t want to eat pot noodles.
‘Hopefully, and then I want to be a proper teacher.’
‘But you’re already a teacher.’
‘Hardly. I want to work with kids when they’re still young enough for it to feel like I’m making a difference. Maybe even primary school?’
‘But that’s a girl’s job.’ I can’t help but imagine what Helen would say to that. ‘What do primary school teachers earn?’
‘I’m not sure. Enough I think. Less than I do at the moment probably, at least to start with.’ He narrows his eyes. ‘Is that all you’re worried about?’
We had a plan. Dom was going to work at the university. He’d probably have ended up as Head of Department. I’d give up work to look after our children, or maybe a little bit before, maybe as soon as we were married. We were going to have a nice house and nice children and nice lives. ‘I don’t see how this fits into the plan.’
‘That’s the point. It doesn’t really, does it? I might not get a job as a teacher. I might not get a place to train near here. I might have to sell my house and rent something smaller. It’s all unknowns. I might decide against teaching altogether. I know I can’t carry on like I am at the moment. It might change in a few months but today, right now, I can’t promise you any sort of plan.’
This is worse than knowing he kissed Helen. That was a moment of madness. This is throwing away everything we’d agreed. I don’t know what to say.
‘I feel like we both came into this with an idea of the lives we ought to have. I wonder whether we wanted that dream or whether we wanted each other. So I guess it’s up to you. Do you want me for me?’
I came out here to talk him into sticking with us. I came out here to grab hold of something and never let go, but now I’m not sure what that something was. ‘It’s hard.’
He shakes his head. ‘No Em. It’s easy. Do we love each other? That’s the thing we’ve never actually talked about. We had all these plans, but that’s not love, is it?’ He sighs. ‘So it’s a yes or a no. Do you love me Em?’
I try to take a long hard look at him. Dom. Sorry. Dominic. Just him. No promises. No plans. How can I love him? I don’t even know him. ‘No.’
Dominic nods, and then we both stand in silence for a moment. He kicks his toe into the turf and lets out a little whistling noise. ‘Well this is a awkward.’
‘Do you want the ring back?’
‘No. It’s fine. Keep it. I mean, unless you want to give it back. What do you normally do?’
What does he mean ‘normally’? ‘What? In my vast experience of breaking off engagements?’
‘No! I don’t mean “you.” I meant one. One’s a useful word, isn’t it? People should say one more.’ He looks at me. ‘Sorry.’
I’m not cross. Probably I should be. ‘Are you upset?’
‘Honestly? A bit, but mainly I’m excited.’
‘Why?’
‘Because there’s always been this plan for me, since I was five years old, and now there’s nothing. I can do whatever I want.’
‘That’s terrifying.’
‘And also brilliant. What will you do now?’
‘I have no idea.’ And I don’t. Dad’s going to sell the house. I’m not getting married. I’m going to have a new boss at work, so everything’s changing there. And I tried to grab love like Tania said, but it hasn’t helped. ‘This is weird, isn’t it?’
‘How?’
I’m not sure. I’d have expected breaking off an engagement to be more dramatic. ‘It feels like there ought to be weeping and wailing.’
He nods. ‘Well maybe that’s a sign.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Maybe we both deserve something more. Something where we don’t have to think about whether it’s love. Something where we just know. A bit more passion.’
I’m not sure about that either. Passion is dangerous. Passion isn’t going to look after me. ‘I’d better get back inside. Are you coming?’
He shakes his head. ‘Maybe I should go.’
‘No. I mean you were invited, and it’s still Dad’s wedding. Stay.’
‘Are you sure?’
I nod. I mean, why not? It’s not like it can make the day any worse.
I excuse myself as soon as we’re back inside. Even though we seem to be attempting the amicable break-up thing, the idea of a whole evening making small talk is too much. The party has broken up a bit, but I can’t see Dad or Tania anywhere. I decide to go for a walk for real, to see if I can clear my head. It’s still hot outside. Normally I like hot weather. It makes me feel bright and hopeful. Today might as well be covered in black cloud. Everything I’ve done was pointless. Dad married Tania any
way. Dom left me anyway. I walk around the corner of the building and stop. Dad and Tania are squeezed together on a bench, snogging like loved-up teenagers. ‘Oh sorry.’
Tania pulls back giggling. She smiles at me. ‘Are you enjoying the day?’
I nod, because I don’t really know what to say. Tania’s still smiling at me and she was so nice in her speech. I wonder why.
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m fine.’ I blink hard to try to stop the crying from starting. ‘I’m going back inside.’ I’ll go back to my room, have a good cry there, and then I’ll make a new plan.
‘Wait.’ Tania catches up with me in the doorway. ‘You’re not fine. What’s wrong?’
‘Dom. Me and Dom.’ I shake my head. ‘We can talk about it tomorrow. I don’t want to spoil your day.’
‘Don’t be silly.’ Tania drags me back to the bench. I let her sit me down between her and Dad. ‘What happened?’
‘We split up.’
Dad starts to get up. ‘That man. I’ll see that he’s sorry for this.’
Tania puts her arm out. ‘Sit down Theo.’
He sits down.
‘What happened?’
I shrug. ‘We split up. It’s okay. Really. I just ... I’m just feeling a little bit alone.’
Tania puts her hand on top of mine. ‘Because of Dominic, or because of all this as well?’ She waves her free hand in a gesture that takes in her dress, and the wedding venue, and my dad.
I nod.
‘And the fact that we’re moving as well?’
‘Yeah.’
Dad leans forward. ‘Wherever we go there’ll be a place for you to come and stay. Whenever you want.’
I glance at Tania. She nods. Maybe I could go with them after all. Maybe I could keep living with Dad. Maybe I don’t have to be alone.
He wraps his arm around my shoulder. ‘But ...’ his voice is cracking as he talks. ‘But I think that being on your own for a little bit might not be so bad.’
I shake my head.
‘You’re young. You’ve never lived anywhere but at home with me, and you were going to go straight to being somebody’s wife.’
The tears start up again, and now I can’t stop them. They’re shaking my whole body. ‘I’m always going to be alone, aren’t I?’
