Low The Last Day of Winter

by Low, Shari

  ‘That’s so beautiful.’ He could see the tears glistening in Caro’s eyes. She sniffed and wiped them away. ‘Sorry, I’m an emotional mess today.’

  ‘Me too,’ he said, making her smile. ‘Anyway, for the last six months, I haven’t been able to do it. I couldn’t come back here, couldn’t scatter her ashes, because I couldn’t bear to say goodbye to her. I was so consumed by guilt and loss that I wanted to hang on to her and keep her with me.’

  Her words soothed him. ‘That’s understandable. You’d had a terrible loss. It would be so hard to endure more.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Seb agreed, ‘but I was also racked with guilt because I wasn’t keeping my promise to her. I just couldn’t see a way forward. So I did nothing. I drank too much. I let my life slide by. To be honest, I hoped every single day that something would happen to me, then I could be with her, but I didn’t have the courage to make that happen either.’

  He heard Caro’s sharp intake of breath. ‘I’m glad you didn’t.’

  ‘Me too,’ he said honestly, realising that for the first time in six months he meant it. ‘Because then I met your Aunt Pearl.’

  Caro’s expression changed to one of curiosity and he knew this was the point of no return. It wasn’t too late to gloss over the facts. Tell her. Or not. This was it.

  ‘And my Aunt Pearl persuaded you to scatter your wife’s ashes?’

  ‘No, it’s a bit more complicated than that. She told me your mum had passed away and then she told me about you.’

  He was all in now. There was no credible way to backpedal from this.

  ‘I still don’t understand…’

  ‘Please don’t be freaked out by this. And I swear this isn’t how or when I was going to tell you. But… your mum and I, we were more than friends.’ He paused, unsure of his words. ‘A brief fling’ seemed tawdry. Undermined it. ‘I was crazy about her for a long time, but she was in love with your dad. Then they split for a while and we…’ he struggled again. ‘We had a relationship. Just for a really short time, but it meant a lot to me. I was in love with her and I was gutted when she went back to your dad.’

  ‘Wow. I didn’t know she’d ever been with anyone other than him.’

  A maelstrom of conflict was firing around his gut as he waited for her to say more, and he was flooded with relief when she did.

  ‘I’m… glad. I don’t know why, but it makes me happy that someone else loved her. Although, I just wish she hadn’t gone back to my dad. He wasn’t worthy of her. If she’d taken a different path, then she could have had such a better life. Although, I guess if she’d done that, I wouldn’t be here.’

  The words were out before he could stop them. ‘Maybe you would be.’

  She reeled like she’d been slapped. ‘What do you mean?’

  At that precise moment he saw that she’d caught on to what he was saying.

  ‘Shit, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to blurt it out…’ he stammered.

  ‘You might be my dad?’ she whispered, searching his face for answers.

  He leaned over, put his hand on hers, and, to his absolute relief, she didn’t snatch it away. ‘I honestly don’t know. Your mum and I were only together for a short time. I left soon afterwards and I didn’t even know your mum was pregnant or I swear I’d have stayed. I only discovered your existence when I bumped into Pearl again a couple of weeks ago. And when I counted back the dates… I had to… I had to come. I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘The last thing I wanted was to upset you.’

  ‘You might be my dad?’ she repeated, still staring at him, clearly finding all this too much to take in. He took her direct gaze as a chance to search her face for any similarities or clues. He was disappointed when there was nothing obvious. The light wasn’t great, but as far as he could see she didn’t have his eyes or his nose. She was blonde, green-eyed and those cheekbones… now that he was up close and staring at her, he could see that she was Yvonne’s double. But his daughter? He had no idea.

  ‘I think the chances are unlikely, but it’s a possibility. The timings match, but your mum went back to your dad straight after we’d been… together. I wish I could give you a definite answer, but there’s no way of knowing without doing a DNA test.’

  Her hand was still under his, her eyes wide with shock and bewilderment. ‘And would you do that?’

  ‘Of course! Caro, I’ve no idea whether I’m your dad or not, but over the last week I’ve done so much thinking about that possibility. You see, I never had children. Juliet and I met in our early forties and she was the only woman – other than your mum – that I was ever in love with. She was with me when I lost my parents, and I have no brothers or sisters. The thought that I could still have something, someone that I have a connection to – I can’t tell you how much I’d love that to be the case. And the fact that the connection was to my first love, to Yvonne, you’ve no idea what that means to me. I don’t want to get my hopes up, and I promise you that you only have to say the word and I’ll walk away and I’ll never bother you again, but this all brings me back to what I was saying earlier. I think Juliet brought me here. Or maybe Yvonne. Please don’t think I’ve lost the plot, but I feel like I was meant to come here. I was meant to meet Pearl that night so that I’d find the reason I needed to come back to Scotland. And you’re that reason.’

  She didn’t say anything at all to that.

  He held the silence for a moment, then cracked, panic taking over.

  ‘Have I completely freaked you out? Do you want to run? I’d understand, I promise. This is… a lot.’

  She shook her head slowly. No, it feels… I’m not sure actually, how it feels. So what you’re saying is that you think your late wife, or my mother, brought you here because you might be my dad and you were meant to meet me?’

  ‘Okay, so if you say it like that, I’m fine with you calling some kind of emergency service,’ he said, with a lightness that was infused with desperate hope that she wasn’t about to run screaming for the exit. There was a long silence that he eventually broke. ‘Is it too needy to ask what you’re thinking?’

  Another silence.

  For so long…

  That he almost forgot to breathe…

  And then…

  ‘I think I really hope it’s true,’ she began, speaking slowly and thoughtfully. ‘Because if it is, it means that perhaps my mum brought you here for me right now too. Until ten minutes ago, I thought that I’d be letting my mum down by getting married. Somehow, the fact that you’re here with your crazy theory… sorry, no offence…’

  ‘None taken.’

  ‘Makes me think that she knew this would happen and that you’re here to make me see that I can’t let his actions rule my life because he might not even be my dad. Does that make sense?’

  ‘Absolutely none,’ he answered honestly. ‘But I get it, because when you lose someone, it changes you and it teaches you and you have to learn to be more open to a new way of life. Maybe all this has happened to teach us something.’

  ‘You really might be my dad? Sorry, I keep saying that. I can’t quite take it in.’

  ‘Me neither. Is it wrong that I really, really hope I am?’

  In fact, other than Juliet somehow coming back to him, he’d never wanted anything more.

  ‘No, not wrong. Just… I still can’t process this. You have no other children,’ she said, a statement, not a question.

  He shook his head. ‘None.’

  ‘So you’re alone. I know how that feels.’ There was such sadness in her voice that he felt a chip of his heart break off.

  ‘Yes. Juliet and I hoped that kids might come along at the beginning, but it didn’t happen. We were sad about it for a moment, but we accepted it. It was easier because we were so happy. The best day of my life was when I married her and I never felt we missed out on anything. Although now, I think she missed out on meeting you. I think you’d have liked each other very much.’

  Another chip broke off as he reali
sed that was true.

  ‘I would have liked to have met her too. She sounds like a very special lady.’

  Another pause, but there was no tension, just a gap as they both processed this.

  Caro was the first to speak. ‘What do we do now?’

  Seb was honest. ‘I hadn’t really thought it all through. But maybe, if it’s okay with you, then we could do one of those DNA tests and find out for sure? And then we could take it from there? What do you think?’ He hoped that was the right answer to that question.

  A noise distracted them before she could answer. He watched her shrink back into the wall of the pagoda as a crowd of people walked down the path and into the Palace. The trees and vegetation formed a semi-screen so that Seb and Caro were barely visible. None of them looked their way and he was glad.

  ‘That’s more people here to work at my wedding. We didn’t call it off because Cammy said he was going to go ahead with the dinner and the party. He said it wasn’t fair after our guests had made the effort to travel here for us.’

  ‘He sounds like a good guy,’ Seb said, meaning it, thinking that it took some class to follow through with a gathering in these circumstances.

  ‘He is.’

  Seb could see that she was thinking and decided not to interrupt.

  After a few more seconds, she went on, ‘I can’t get what you said out of my head.’

  ‘Which bit?’ he asked, trying again to keep his tone light.

  ‘Maybe my mum sent you. And if she did, then I know that she’s here with me. You know, much as I hated my dad, I always knew that my mum loved me and wanted me to be happy.’

  ‘I’m sure she did. Yvonne was always the one who was looking out for everyone else. She had a big heart.’

  ‘She did. And I think that maybe it would be breaking if she could see me now, causing such pain to someone I love.’

  ‘Caro, you have to do what’s right for you. It doesn’t matter what your dad…’ he struggled to say the word, hoping that it was an outdated description, ‘or your mum or anyone else thinks. If you’ve found the right person, the one that you absolutely know you want to wake up next to every day, then that’s all that matters. If you don’t want to get married, that’s absolutely fine too. You can live your life any way you please. But don’t let the actions of other people be the reason that you walk away. Trust your heart.’

  As soon as he finished, he wondered if he’d overstepped. Who was he to give advice? His own life was a disaster. He definitely wasn’t qualified.

  ‘I think you’re right,’ she said, before she suddenly jumped to her feet.

  Seb felt his stomach churn. He had gone too far. He’d scared her off.

  He stood up too, but it seemed like a lifetime before she turned to look at him again.

  ‘You know, for a non-father, you’re not bad at this stuff.’

  He could see she was teasing him and he liked it so much it brought on another pang of longing. He so wanted to get to know this woman better. Her ‘father’ was a fool if he couldn’t see how great she was.

  ‘Really? I’m thinking I need work, but I’m hoping to get the chance to improve.’ Seb meant every word.

  ‘Would you like some practice?’ There was a hint of apprehension in her voice.

  ‘Absolutely. I just don’t know where to start.’

  She held out her hand. ‘I think I know the answer to that.’

  Twenty-Six

  Josie

  ‘Somebody pour me a tequila. It’s for medicinal purposes,’ Josie bellowed as she burst back into Cammy and Caro’s flat. Which, ironically, still contained neither Caro nor Cammy. Life would be so much fecking easier if it did.

  ‘Oh, thank God!’ Val greeted her arrival with a shrill exclamation of relief. ‘We’ve been worried sick! Did you find Caro? WHAT THE BUGGERING HELL IS HAPPENING?’

  ‘Somebody pour a tequila for Val too. She’s hysterical,’ Josie bellowed as she trooped past her friend and straight into the kitchen. Chrissie was sitting at the table, looking a lot more human than she did this morning, and Jen, equally recovered from her hangover, was already on her feet and pouring Mexico’s finest refreshment into two glasses. Both women had obviously heeded Josie’s command to continue as if all was still on track. Their make-up and hair were done, and they even had slides of flowers holding their curls back over their left ears. They scrubbed up pretty nicely for two women that looked like they’d been dragged through a bush and doused in margaritas only a few hours before.

  Val came in behind her and stood, hands on hips, in the doorway. ‘Has anyone ever told you that your powers of communication are shite? We’ve been beside ourselves waiting for news all day.’

  Josie rolled her eyes. ‘Does Jack Bauer’s pal phone him for hourly chats when he’s saving the world in 24? Or that sexy Thor one—’

  ‘Chris Hemsworth…’ Jen interjected.

  ‘Aye, him. Is he getting texts every hour demanding updates or does he just get on with looking entirely shaggable while hitting folk with a mallet?’ She was too busy knocking back the tequila to listen to Val’s answer. She put the glass back on the table and raised her eyes to Jen, signalling for a refill. What a bloody day. She kept wishing she would wake up, realise that she was under her duvet and this had all been a bad dream.

  The second tequila set off her cough, delaying her response to Val even further. Her pal’s face was now almost the colour of the red tinsel draped from the top of the kitchen cupboards.

  ‘First of all, how’s Caro? Did you find her?’ Jen asked. ‘I’m not refilling your glass again until we know.’ That Jen was a smart cookie. She always knew how to hit the soft spot.

  Josie sighed. ‘Okay, here’s where we’re at. I didn’t find Caro. I’ve no idea where the poor lass is, but I know she’s okay because she went to see Cammy this afternoon. She told him the wedding’s off and then bolted again – we thought she’d come back here, but obviously she hasn’t?’

  The blank looks on their faces confirmed that assumption.

  ‘Och, my heart goes out to her. I honestly don’t know what’s going on with her. I just wish she could have spoken to us,’ she said, with genuine sympathy, before adding, ‘However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I may boot her arse for worrying us all sick.’

  Val was sitting at the table now, downing the remnants of her first tequila. ‘How’s Cammy? He must be in bits.’

  ‘He is. I don’t think he knows if he’s coming or going, but he’s decided to go ahead with the reception tonight. It’s going to be more drowning of the sorrows than celebration, but at least we’ll be there to support him. He’s a good man, that one.’ Josie meant every word. Cammy Jones was one of her favourite people on this earth and he deserved happiness. She just hoped that even if Caro didn’t want to marry him, then at least they could still find a way to get past this and make things work. She truly believed they belonged together.

  Jen squirmed and turned a tad grey while putting the top back on the tequila bottle. Perhaps the hangover hadn’t completely subsided after all. ‘So, what’s the plan then? I’ve never been a bridesmaid when there’s no bride before.’

  Josie shrugged. ‘We get changed pronto and we head straight back over to the Kibble Palace. We surround Cammy with love and get him through tonight. And if we can track down Caro, we make sure she knows we love her too. That’s all we can do, isn’t it? Feck, Jen, pour me another one. Being a paragon of wisdom and kindness is making me thirsty.’

  The truth? She could do with another drink because what she wasn’t telling Jen, Chrissie or Val was that she had an alternative motive for supporting Cammy’s decision to go ahead with the reception tonight. If they weren’t going to the venue, where they’d be surrounded with friends and family, then no doubt she’d spend the evening with Michael and Avril and she didn’t trust herself not to blurt out her prognosis. No, she was too vulnerable right now. Better to be in a crowd tonight to give her a chance to process wha
t had happened and come to terms with it herself. She’d then tell Michael and Avril, and everyone else, when she was ready – maybe in a couple of weeks, so that it wouldn’t spoil their Christmas and New Year. There would be enough time for misery and fussing later.

  She picked up the fresh drink and stood up. ‘So, ladies, let’s get the glad rags on and get back over there. Val, did you cancel the wedding car?’

  ‘No, I didn’t…’

  With perfect timing, the door buzzer rang. Chrissie picked up the kitchen intercom. ‘Hello?’ She listened for a moment before covering the handset. ‘That’s the car downstairs.’

  Josie felt a glimmer of satisfaction. She’d organised every detail of this wedding and it was all going exactly to plan. Except for the whole missing bride thing. ‘Great. Tell them we’ll be ten minutes.’

  Chrissie did as she was told, then hung up.

  ‘Right, you three, ten minutes to get ready and get down there.’

  In the end, they did it in eight. They clambered into the wedding car, feeling faintly ridiculous that the four of them were being transported to a non-wedding in the back of a vintage Rolls-Royce.

  ‘Will you stop waving to people,’ Val chided Josie, as they moved slowly through the packed streets of the West End.

  ‘Och, it’ll make their day. I bet every one of them goes home and tells folk that they saw the Queen, Helen Mirren or Keith Richards. Depends how close a look they got.’

  The other three were still laughing when the car pulled up outside the West End Grand. In the lobby, the rest of the guests were already assembling, ready to walk across the road to the Kibble Palace. Josie prepared to greet them with solemn condolences and supportive solidarity. That went right out the window as soon as Avril saw her.

  ‘Mother! If the Rolling Stones need a groupie, I reckon the gig is yours.’

  Josie took two things from that comment. Number one, Avril seemed perfectly jovial and not like someone who’d just found out that the wedding they’d travelled to was off. Cammy must have taken her advice and decided to tell all the guests together when they got to the venue. Wise move. It meant they’d be more inclined to stay to cheer him up and to make sure all that food and drink didn’t go to waste. And number two, Josie had been wearing leather trousers on special occasions for most of her daughter’s life, so she wasn’t sure why they were now worthy of comment.