How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “So it’s not?” asked the gang leader, repositioning his mounds of blubber.

  “I don’t know. Not definitively. There’s a strong belief that it’s more than that. That it really was unimaginable. The legends and tales of Takeo’s unbelievable deeds were all a product of the Heart. That’s what the Irish believed. You could even say that this pendant laid the foundations for the Nipponese-Gaelic Wars.”

  “And this little guy’s folks jacked it and sped off,” Hefty hypothesized.

  “That’s one possibility,” the bartender replied. “I’m not sure. I’m only sure that the pendant in the photograph is the Heart of Nobunaga.”

  The obese crime lord fiddled with his countless chins that descended like a waterfall from his jawline. He shut his eyes.

  Is he thinking or did he just fall asleep?

  “Boss?” asked Roller.

  “Shut up, I’m trying to think,” Hefty replied.

  He opened his eyes. “Here’s where I’m at on the matter. These two, aside from being bounty hunters—which is a massive strike against you, by the way—they don’t know where this man and woman are. Therefore, they don’t know where the Heart of Nobunaga is.”

  “True,” responded the Booze Man.

  “And do you think they know anything more than we do at this juncture in time?”

  “They likely do not,” answered the bartender.

  “This is an easy one, then. We kill them. We look for this artifact by ourselves. We get it, sell it, and then turn our attention towards Admiral LePaco.”

  Duke’s attention perked up at the mention of LePaco, particularly the prospect of him being killed by Hefty’s men.

  “Wait...” Duke began. Then a massive T’ckuvian hand reached around from behind, covering his mouth and transforming his plea to a muddled mess of grunts.

  “You’re going to die at some point, LaGrange, why not now? Act like a man,” said Hefty.

  “If I may,” the bartender interjected, “could I speak to you privately for a moment?”

  “Sure,” replied Senchax. “Noot, Roller, you two make sure these bounty hunters don’t escape. If they do, you’re not going to want to know what’ll happen to you.”

  The Booze Man approached the gang boss, leaned in and started to whisper. Duke couldn’t make out any of what he said, but Hefty nodded incessantly and Duke could read his lips. They seemed to mouth “I see,” and “Interesting,” frequently.

  The bartender stepped back with a bow. He returned to the shadowy location from which he had first emerged.

  “It seems that I have some new, interesting information. Very interesting, in fact.”

  So you mouthed, thought Duke.

  “Duke LaGrange, his odd sidekick man, you two are safe. For now. It seems that our mutual friend, Admiral Lothario LePaco, has a sizable award posted to anyone that provides intel on your whereabouts. I’m sure that reward will be exponentially increased if I actually have you in my custody.”

  “Boss,” began Noot, “I thought we hated LePaco. Why we helpin’ him?”

  “My poor, ignorant Noot,” Senchax started, “we do hate LePaco. More than anyone. His clean-up committee is not exactly friendly to those in charge of operations like that of yours truly, despite everything being legitimate, of course. Myself and my friends need that Four I’s crowd eliminated. And we need LePaco eliminated.”

  “I’m confused,” remarked Roller.

  “Of course you are, you dumb bastard. What our bartending friend has told me changes everything. We use these two as bait to get LePaco here. We get his reward. We torture him so he tells us the location of the Four I’s hub. We off him and then destroy whatever planet they’re running their operation from.”

  “Then we go after that fancy artifact,” interjected Noot.

  “Yes. We might want to kill these two at some point before that,” concluded Hefty.

  “What if I could tell you where the Four I’s main hub is located?” said Duke.

  Hefty Senchax’s eyes darted to the Nova Texan.

  “Can you?” slurped the husky criminal.

  “If you take executing us off the negotiation table.”

  Chapter 4

  You Stupid Orb

  “IT’S JUST NOT GOING TO happen. Not in a million years. With all due respect, of course.”

  Hefty Senchax pondered Duke’s statement for a moment. A few gaseous belches exited the gang boss’ mouth. The stench was so putrid that Duke could actually feel the odor stick against his skin.

  “And why, pray tell, won’t LePaco come down here in person?” asked Hefty. “I’m not some ordinary thug running a two-bit operation on a backwoods planet in a backwoods system, LaGrange.”

  “Of course not, your worthiness,” Duke replied with a bow. “That never crossed my mind and it has nothing to do with anything. He wouldn’t come down in person for anyone, especially Ish and me. We just aren’t that important, reward notwithstanding.”

  “You know, the more I think of it,” Senchax began, “it wasn’t that big of a reward.”

  Should I be offended? thought Duke. “He’ll just send some Four I’s lackeys to verify it’s us and that’ll be the end of it. You’ll be wired the credits—or he’ll turn his ships on you and the rest of Prime.”

  “He wouldn’t dare,” gasped the crime lord.

  “He would. The Four I’s goal is to control the entire universe and, though some might argue the value of Prime’s role within the universe, it still is part of it. The Four I’s will get here eventually. It might as well be when they take us in. It’s the most efficient... and they love efficiency.”

  “Garbage!” Senchax blurted. “Utter nonsense! They wouldn’t dare attack Prime.”

  “I hate disagreeing with someone as wise and well-thought of...” Duke began.

  He was cut off by Senchax. “Stop with the empty praise already, LaGrange! LePaco is smart; he knows not to attack us.”

  “Oh exalted one...”

  “LaGrange!”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Senchax, but he will. They will. It’s only a matter of time.”

  The obese crime lord didn’t respond immediately. Once again, he appeared to be in deep thought, analyzing the bounty hunter’s line of thinking. It was such deep thought that he allowed two different servants to pass by with trays full of sweets and other delicacies without taking so much as a sniff.

  “What do you think?” asked Hefty.

  The Booze Man re-emerged from his shadowy corner behind the gang boss.

  “It’s an interesting choice that has to be made. Use these two as bait and hope that LePaco either comes and we can kill him, or that he sends his goons and the reward, but has no intentions of an attack on Prime. If we do this, we give ourselves more than one outcome that could be considered a win.”

  “Yes, yes,” Senchax blurted, “I knew we should stick to our original plan. They won’t attack us.”

  “But,” the Booze Man interjected.

  “Oh. What?” Hefty replied dejectedly, as if he knew the Booze Man’s next words.

  “If this Nova Texan and his friend really do know where the Four I’s headquarters is, and if we can destroy it… that would eliminate the biggest threat to your enterprises and render LePaco useless.”

  Except for the universe-altering mega-weapon he’s trying to assemble, Duke thought to himself.

  “So you outlined the choices—now what do you think I should do?” snapped Senchax.

  The Booze Man approached and knelt down before his boss. Duke couldn’t hear the conversation, but he didn’t have to wait long to learn the Booze Man’s recommendation.

  “You’re a lucky man, LaGrange,” began Senchax. “A really lucky man.”

  Noot and Roller both stomped their feet and sighed. It was clear that they wanted to see pain inflicted on their prisoners.

  “My colleague seems to think that we should give you a chance to earn your freedom.”

  “Why thank you, your grace,
” Duke said, bowing again. “I’m sorry, I mean Mr. Senchax. You won’t regret this. I have some ideas on how to take the Four I’s out; I’ve fought them before. Their fleet is impressive. They’ve constructed a few Armada Titans, dozens of battle cruisers, hundreds of scouts—” He stopped mid-thought. “What type of operation, arms-wise, are we sending out?”

  Hefty chuckled to himself.

  The Booze Man walked in front of his employer. “Not enough to win a straight-on dogfight, if their fleet is as impressive as you state. We’ll signal the top bosses on Prime and in the sector. I’m not sure how many will trust us that this is legit. And for the ones that do come, I’m not sure how many we can trust.”

  “Great.”

  “Even with a better-than-expected turnout, we will still be overmatched from a numbers standpoint. We will have to use other tactics to get the job done. We have the element of surprise on our side.”

  “Unless LePaco’s already infiltrated some of the other syndicates,” Duke countered.

  “True. A risk we have no way of avoiding.”

  “So, best case, how many ships do you think we have?”

  The Booze Man looked back at Hefty. The boss shrugged his shoulders, jiggling the rolls of neck that rested on them.

  “We have a dozen or so that are battle-ready, including Mr. Senchax’s flagship. It won’t take down an Armada Titan but it’ll leave a few scars to remember us by.”

  “A dozen? Maybe we should revisit this ‘me as bait’ plan.”

  “If some of the other bosses agree, we can probably field a few hundred more.”

  Still probably outnumbered twenty-to-one and outgunned a thousand-to-one, thought Duke. Why did I recommend this plan again?

  “The Deus packs a punch too.”

  “The what?” asked Hefty.

  “My ship.”

  “You think I’m going to let you fly your own ship?”

  “We need all the firepower that we can get if we’re going to—”

  “LaGrange, are you an idiot? You think I’m just going to trust you to stand with us—the people that wanted to kill you a few minutes ago—and fight a seemingly insurmountable battle against the Four I’s, when you could easily turn your ship around and escape?”

  “Kinda. Yeah. We need the Deus.”

  “Your ship stays here. You’ll be on the flagship. If the base isn’t where you say it is, well, let’s just say that you’ll be hoping that we forked you over to LePaco.”

  “And if we win, I can trust you to just bring me back to Prime and let me go?”

  “The Four I’s will be destroyed in that scenario, correct?” asked the Booze Man.

  “Yes,” answered Duke.

  “LePaco will know that we did it, so his readiness to deal with us is going to be null and void.”

  “You make a good point there.”

  “So what value will you have to Mr. Senchax?”

  Duke didn’t want to say it but he knew it was true. His ego would be bruised yet again.

  “None.”

  “That’s right, none!” shouted Hefty from behind the bartender. His belly laugh did the size of his belly justice.

  Ishiro’shea tugged at Duke’s arm. He held up three fingers.

  “Three what?” inquired Duke.

  The ninja repeated the motion.

  “I have no idea what you are talking about?”

  Ishiro’shea then took his hand and pointed to the middle of his forehead. He repeated this motion over and over again.

  “That’s right!” screamed Duke euphorically. “Mr. Senchax, I might have a way to level the playing field a bit. Now, it might not sound logical at first, but it could be just what we need.”

  “And that is?” asked the crime boss. The Booze Man squinted skeptically.

  “I know a group that might help us.”

  “How much do they cost?” asked Senchax.

  “Nothing.”

  The gang boss’ attention perked up.

  “They are just as interested in seeing the Four I’s removed from the universe. In fact, I’ve seen them, firsthand, take out an Armada Titan.”

  “It would take an entire fleet to do that,” noted the Booze Man.

  “An entire union,” replied Duke with a huge smile.

  “A union?” asked the bartender.

  “The Bounty Hunters Union.”

  The crime lord’s earlier belly laugh was dwarfed by his response to this proclamation. His laughter caused his body to quiver and gyrate until Duke thought his sofa throne might snap.

  “You think that exists? It’s a legend; a story that criminal mommies tell their delinquent offspring to get them to practice their money laundering exercises. It’s not real. LaGrange, you are an idiot.”

  Duke’s fists clenched.

  The Booze Man walked back again to advise Senchax. There was a long, drawn-out silence. It was so quiet that Duke could hear Noot and Roller mouth-breathing heavily behind him.

  Hefty readjusted himself, wiping away from his top chin rolls pools of saliva that had escaped his mouth during his fit of hilarity.

  “Duke,” he said with a bit more composure, “even if these mysterious union members did exist, I have no interest in dealing with bounty hunters. Do you realize how much I would be worth to them?”

  “I do, actually. And it pales in comparison to what it’s worth to destroy the Four I’s. They’re trying to outlaw bounty hunting.”

  “The only thing that I agree with them on,” replied Hefty.

  “They could really help us. At least let me arrange a meeting with Mama Fong.”

  “Mama Fong? That three-eyed Zylantian hussy! How’s she still alive? Every crime boss worth his weight in credits has a hit out on her.”

  “Just talk to her. If a deal can be reached, then we have a much better chance of taking these guys out.”

  Hefty looked at the Booze Man, who nodded slightly to his rotund employer. “Fine, fine, fine. What can a quick chat hurt? And you can set this up?”

  “Yes, absolutely. Immediately, in fact,” replied the Nova Texan.

  “Go ahead.”

  “Thank you, oh most opportunistic one,” said Duke with an exaggerated bow.

  “What did I say about the groveling, LaGrange?”

  “My apologies.”

  “And of course, Duke will lead this one,” commanded Hefty.

  “Why thank you, Mr. Senchax,” replied Duke. “I’m a little shocked but most honored to receive this newfound trust.”

  Hefty laughed again, finishing off a triumvirate of belly laughs that would register as small earthquakes on most planets.

  “Oh not you, LaGrange. This Duke. Duke Dallas.”

  The Booze Man stepped in front of the gang boss and smirked at the two bounty hunters.

  “I just realized that you both have the same first name,” Hefty chuckled.

  The elder Duke nodded.

  “Aren’t you from Nova Texas, too? Small universe,” belched the gang boss.

  Ishiro’shea and Duke LaGrange locked eyes. It was clear both were thinking the exact same thing.

  Wrong father, you stupid Orb. Wrong flippin’ father.

  Chapter 5

  Shockingly Sound

  THE SLIDING DOORS OPENED. LIGHT from the control center that served as the operational nervous system of Hefty Senchax’s entire enterprise transformed the dim corridor into something resembling a disco on acid. Duke Dallas, followed by T’ckuvian thugs Noot and Roller, exited with massive grins on their faces. Dallas tipped his Stetson to the younger Duke and Ishiro’shea. The Nova Texan wasn’t sure what he thought about Dallas sporting a similar piece of headgear.

  “Thanks, LaGrange,” he smirked. “Your friend is a shrewd businesswoman.”

  “So I’m guessing that something was worked out, Booze Man,” LaGrange replied with no shortage of snark.

  The bartender halted. Noot did too, but Roller wasn’t as quick on the uptake and slammed into his partner. The T
’ckuvians stumbled toward Dallas but he sidestepped the pair and they crashed into the floor. The two natives guarding Duke and Ishiro’shea helped the bumbling brutes back to their feet.

  “Yes. Something was worked out,” answered the Booze Man.

  “Great.”

  “But I do think Fong wants a word with you alone.”

  “Oh, she does?” Duke said with an eye roll.

  “What’s your deal, LaGrange? I feel like there’s something you want to say to me. And if you ask me, the only thing that you should be saying to me is ‘thank you.’ Senchax would’ve had your head.”

  “And it would have been the end of all of us. I don’t need to thank you for coming to a logical conclusion and doing what’s best for everyone, including your own skin.”

  Duke Dallas shrugged his shoulders as if to admit defeat. He tipped his hat again.

  “Well, good luck with your chat regardless.”

  The Nova Texan didn’t return the gesture. He and Ishiro’shea just headed directly into the control center and the awaiting leader of the Bounty Hunters Union.

  “She did say alone,” remarked Dallas.

  “I know,” replied Duke LaGrange.

  “I’m just relaying what she said. No need to—”

  “No, I mean I know.” The Nova Texan stopped short of the threshold of the control center and turned to face the aging bartender. “I know who you are. I know who you are in relation to me.”

  There was a long, overly dramatic verbal standstill. Noot and Roller looked confused. The other guards looked disinterested. Duke Dallas looked as if he was trying to articulate his next comment but was coming up empty about how best to proceed.

  “Wait, I should explain.”

  Probably should have thought a bit longer, concluded LaGrange.

  Duke LaGrange turned around. The control center door slid shut, cutting off the four T’ckuvians and Dallas from him and Ishiro’shea.

  The walls of the control center were covered in screens of various sizes. Some of the screens were broadcasting what appeared to be security feeds, others appeared to be showing dealings across a wide variety of business associates. There had to be over a hundred screens in the confined control room. Along the perimeter, two parallel rows of desks contained beings from a dozen different systems. They all faced the screens and appeared to be doing their part to keep Hefty’s lucrative criminal enterprise afloat.