How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  Behind the bar, Earl was sorting through the damaged goods, broken bottles, and cracked shelving. The battle had taken its toll on Cyborg Joe’s inventory.

  The surviving Four I’s soldiers that hadn’t managed to escape had been rounded up by the Bounty Hunters Union for imprisonment or to be taken to one of the many galactic crime lords for their own unique brand of discipline. And those were the lucky ones. Some were thrown in ships and sent to Earth to be punished as war criminals by the Irish and Japanese.

  Many of the Keltians remained at Joe’s, sweeping, dusting, and beginning the long road of restoring the bar to its former glory. Po’l and Ja’a joined them, clearing out the bodies of the deceased and other even less savory remnants of combat—reminiscing all the while.

  It’s good seeing them back together, talking about Neprius, thought Duke. It has to mean a lot for both of them.

  Duke was helping Ishiro’shea and his parents turn over a booth that had been flipped during the altercation with LePaco’s forces when the Queen stood up. She whispered something to Earl, who shot back a perplexed stare. He then turned and started to fumble around behind the bar. In record time, he whipped up a martini. Duke recognized that martini. It was the Queen’s signature cocktail. She took a sip and closed her eyes. They opened. She grabbed Earl’s furry paw with both of her hands and squeezed. She leaned over and kissed the Glyptodian on the cheek.

  Duke could only just make out her words: “That was perfect, Earl. Just like that, every time.”

  She then said something else to the hulking barkeep and he returned to digging for something under the counter. He resurfaced with two large bottles of Earth whisky. He set a dozen or so glasses on the bar top. They were a hodgepodge of sizes, colors, shapes, and levels of brokenness. He filled them up to their respective brims.

  “Everyone, could you please stop for a second?” Joe requested. She wasn’t shouting or even talking loudly, but her words seemed to reach everyone’s ears as if she was screaming into them from an eyelash’s length away.

  Everyone stopped, then began to encircle the proprietor of Cyborg Joe’s.

  The Queen began. “After millions of cycles in this dimension and the last stretch right here on this wonderful planet of Kelt, in this wonderful bar, with the mostly wonderful creatures of this universe, it’s now time for me to return.”

  An outburst of shock and defiance poured from her loyal followers and patrons.

  “This isn’t negotiable, friends,” she continued. “I want to stay, but you all know that I can’t. Someone has to rid this universe of these things.” She gestured at the three artifacts. “And it has to be me.”

  It was an open and shut case. She was the only inter-dimensional being amongst them, the only one capable of securely depositing these weapons somewhere out of the reach of any member of the universe.

  “Thank you all for understanding.”

  “What are you going to do, Queen? How are you going to do it?” asked Lilly.

  “The portals that I controlled for years at the bar—I’m going to channel them all. But I’m going to summon them all simultaneously. They should be able to create a bubble between the realities of two dimensions—I’m not sure which, but two. I will remain there, with these three items, for what you would call eternity.”

  “You won’t be able to leave?” asked Po’l.

  “I won’t, my Neprian friend,” she said, looking down, “but don’t fret. I’ve had enough good company to fill infinite lifetimes. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s just what has to be done.”

  “That seems like a pretty heavy cost, Queen,” said Lutra.

  Joe opened her mouth but stopped as Duke stepped in front of her.

  “Anything without a cost isn’t worth having, right?” he said.

  The Queen chuckled and put her hand on Duke’s shoulder.

  “Yes, and don’t ever forget that, Duke LaGrange.”

  The bounty hunter yanked her from her barstool and wrapped both arms around her. “Thank you, Queen Joe. Thank you for everything.”

  Cyborg Joe’s was filled with cheers and platitudes regarding the Queen and her bar.

  Po’l cleared his throat. “Excuse me, Queen. Not to be insensitive, but what about the bar? Does this mean the end of the bar too?”

  Joe looked back at Earl and nodded. “Earl’s martinis are virtually indistinguishable from mine,” she proclaimed.

  The rebels let out a primal cheer in celebration of this good news.

  “So you gave it to Earl?” asked Po’l.

  “No, Mister Po’l,” the Glyptodian bellowed. “I am not the new owner and manager of Cyborg Joe’s… However, I have been told that my services as bartender and concierge at Cyborg Joe’s will be retained.”

  “Cheers to that,” replied Duke.

  “Then who owns it?” asked the Neprian expat.

  A head seemed to pop up from behind the bar, an arm’s length from Earl. It was a handsome face, youthful and vibrant. His eyes were a twinkling sable, his skin tawny beige. His auburn hair was cut short, but still appeared messy.

  No one seemed to immediately recognize this mysterious newcomer. Even Duke was forced to do a double-take.

  “You’re giving Cyborg Joe’s to Ishiro?” asked the bounty hunter.

  Queen Joe’s smile was so intense that Duke imagined he could fit his entire finger in one of her dimples.

  “We just saved the universe with that space ninja right there, so why can’t we save Cyborg Joe’s with a space ninja?” said Joe.

  “Don’t you mean a drunk space ninja?” asked Ishiro’shea in a rich and honeyed tone. He downed one of the glasses of whisky that Earl had placed on the counter.

  The mob let loose a cavalcade of praise upon the new owner as they made their way to the bar to partake in the celebratory liquor.

  “So, little buddy,” Duke began, “after all these years, that’s what your voice sounds like?”

  “Is it what you thought it would sound like?” asked Ishiro’shea.

  “A little underwhelmed, if I’m being honest. Maybe it’s an acquired taste,” Duke responded, a sly smirk on his face.

  “Well, now you know what I’ve felt like for all this time.”

  The bounty hunter’s grin grew; he nodded to his best friend and partner and tossed the whisky down his throat.

  Out of the corner of his eye, in the distance, he saw a flash of crimson light.

  She’s gone.

  Chapter 33

  Welcome to Cyborg Joe’s... Again

  THE CROWD SLOWLY POURED INTO Cyborg Joe’s Grill N’ Go & The Why Not Saloon. Given that it had only narrowly escaped destruction, along with the end of the universe, a week earlier, the steady flow of patrons was quite impressive. But the all-new Joe’s already had a loyal customer base. Ishiro’shea and team had successfully repaired the ceiling, patching the gaping hole caused by a stray blast from the inter-dimensional doomsday device. Most of the original signs had been rehung, their neon no less vibrant than before they were knocked off the wall during the firefight between the Queen’s forces and those of the sinister Admiral LePaco. The floors were even clean—for Cyborg Joe’s, that is. The clientele sported a few more locals than normal and, even though the bar’s previous main attraction—the Queen’s portals—were gone, the atmosphere and buzz remained intact. The kitchen was pumping out MechaBurger 8000s as fast as Earl was mixing his famous martinis.

  But behind the bar, greeting customers, new and old alike, wasn’t an enigmatic inter-dimensional goddess with a sharp wit only matched by her pansophical wisdom. Instead, there was a stout and exuberant man from Earth, a skilled warrior from one of the most violence-riddled planets in the galaxy but who had a caring heart that embraced all. He spoke little, but what he said spoke volumes. In some ways, he was the only one that could have taken over Cyborg Joe’s after Queen Joe left the dimension to stow away the three artifacts that almost brought an end to everyone. It was the happiest that Duke had ever seen
his long-time friend, Ishiro’shea.

  “I still can’t believe I’m here,” Yeop said to Duke. “One second I’m grieving over Master Ishiro, the next I’m in a space battle, and now I’m at Cyborg Joe’s. The Cyborg Joe’s. No one’s going to believe me back home.”

  “Cheers, Yeop. And thanks again,” said Duke, lifting his glass in a toast.

  “My fellow Gartoshians spoke very highly of your tactics in the battle, my new tiny Earth friend,” said Lilly as she raised her glass of Glytopdian Summer Ale. “Some unorthodox moves that they’ve never seen before.”

  Yeop blushed. “Thanks, Lilly. I’m going to miss you guys when I go back to Earth,” he said with a frown.

  “At least you don’t have to go back to Gurlf,” replied Po’l.

  Gha, the Goother rat, spun around on his stool and sneered at the Neprian. “At least our swamps don’t have flesh-eating cannibals,” he fired back.

  “They have worse. They have your relatives,” said Po’l.

  Liquor was expelled from Gha’s nose like flames from a blowtorch. He lost his balance and fell to the floor. “You win this round, Po’l,” he chuckled as he climbed back onto his stool. “Well played.”

  “Indeed,” added Lutra in a sultry tone as she draped her arms around Po’l’s neck and chest from behind. “And if you keep playing well... Well, who knows.” She planted a peck on Po’l’s cheek.

  “Watch out for her, Po’l,” Duke began, “Hilterian women are—”

  “They’re what?” interjected Ja’a.

  “They’re to be treated with respect,” finished the bounty hunter with a wry grin. “That’s all I was going to say.”

  Ja’a burst into laughter. The rest of the patrons followed suit.

  “You’ve got jokes now?” Duke asked Ja’a. “When did this happen?”

  She playfully slapped him on the leg. “You try and run a planetary government. It speeds up the development of one’s sense of humor.”

  “Seriously though, everyone,” said the Nova Texan, “if I can make a toast, I would just like to offer cheers to Queen Joe!”

  They all raised their glasses to the former owner.

  Duke continued, “And to her formidable replacement, a Salutatorian no less, Ishiro’shea Nobunaga-Flaherty!”

  They all raised their glasses even higher to the current owner. The ninja blushed.

  “You’re still paying for those drinks,” said Ishiro’shea.

  A chorus of playful boos rained down on him.

  “So, Ishiro’shea, where are your parents?” asked Lilly. “I haven’t seen them the last few days.”

  “They went back to Earth to try and pick up the broken pieces and start humanity down a different path,” replied the bar owner. “It will be difficult, but they were both looking forward to the challenge. They were happy to be going home.”

  Ishiro dropped down below the bar and pulled out three unique bottles and a short cubical glass. He mixed the liquids quickly but carefully, then slid the glass to the Gartoshian. “Lilly, I wanted you to try this first.”

  The anthropomorphic musk ox took a hearty sip. Then another.

  “This is delicious,” she said, taking in another gulp of the creamy beverage. “What’s in it?”

  “The base is Earth vodka. The Earth ships left some for us before they went back home. I mixed it with Gartoshian Snow Juice. Some of your brethren donated some to the bar before they departed to Gartosh. It’s an elegantly sweet liqueur; I can’t believe I hadn’t discovered it earlier. Lastly, a splash of a secret ingredient.”

  “Let me taste that,” said Duke, swiping the glass from Lilly and finishing off the drink. He swished it around in his mouth, letting the flavorful cocktail touch every taste bud. “Holy hedgehogs, you bastard. I know that ‘secret’ ingredient. It’s the damn icing on Aintin Kuniko’s Irish whisky cakes. It has to be. How did you pull that off?”

  Ishiro’shea nodded at Yeop.

  “Hey, I never leave Earth without stashing away a few boxes in my ship,” replied Yeop. “And now I have a reason to come back; Ishiro’shea will need a constant supply if this drink’s going to be as popular as I think it’ll be.”

  He’s a pretty smart kid, surmised Duke.

  “What are you calling this new concoction, Ish?” asked the bounty hunter.

  “It’s called the Yvonne.”

  Lilly lowered her head.

  I’ve never seen her like this, thought Duke.

  “A worthy name, indeed,” said Duke, raising the empty glass to the sky.

  “What’s a worthy name?”

  Not that voice. Please not that voice.

  “What’d I miss, guys?” asked Maxx Gemstarr. “It doesn’t matter; what matters is that I’m here now and the partying can begin.”

  He slapped Duke hard on the back. It hurt.

  “How to ruin a moment, courtesy of Maxx Gemstarr, everybody,” said Duke.

  “C’mon, what’s cooking around here—” Maxx paused and turned to Ja’a. “Easy answer: it’s you.”

  He extended his hand to the Neprian. She shook it.

  “I’m Maxx Gemstarr, the Universe’s Favorite Bounty Hunter. And you are?”

  “Ja’a. From Neprius.”

  “Neprius? Never heard of it. How about a drink?”

  “I’m good. Duke keeps me pretty liquored up.”

  Maxx’s brow furrowed. “That Duke?”

  “Yes, that Duke.”

  “Yes, this Duke,” said the Nova Texan, pointing to himself.

  “I’m sorry, best buddy o’ mine, I keep underestimating you. But I do have some good news to share.”

  “We can’t wait,” said Duke unenthusiastically.

  “I’ve talked it over with Mama Fong and I’m taking on the role of President of the Bounty Hunters Union. She’s retiring to Oscavia.”

  “What’s the good news?” smirked Duke.

  “What are you talking about? I—Maxx Gemstarr, the bounty hunter’s bounty hunter, Mr. Popular, Everyone’s Favorite—am going to be the new BHU president. How awesome is that?”

  “I’ve now officially seen it all. Astral anomalies, magic orbs, and Jungafallowian androids have nothing on this,” stated Duke. “But congrats are in order. Ish, pour this man a drink.”

  Ishiro’shea slid a nearly full glass of Erontian saké to Maxx. He chugged it, almost gagging on the potent blast of fermented fury.

  “It gets even better,” Gemstarr said in between coughs. “I’m moving the BHU headquarters from Daedeaus Purple as my first order of business.”

  “Where to, dare I ask?” inquired Duke.

  “Right next door. We’re going to be neighbors, Ish.”

  The ninja slammed down an equally full glass of Erontian saké.

  The Deus Ex Machina looked as grand as it ever had. Grand in the broad sense of the word, of course. Its shadow engulfed both bounty hunters standing beneath its battle-scarred hull.

  “Hard to believe you aren’t coming aboard, little buddy,” said Duke. “I’m not sure the ship’s going to like that. You were always her favorite.”

  Ishiro’shea didn’t say anything, he just embraced his bounty hunting companion.

  “If you ever need me, I know you’ll find a way to get ahold of me. If anyone can, it’s you,” said the Nova Texan.

  “And if you ever need me—or a well-made martini—I know you’ll find a way back here,” replied the ninja. He dropped his head and took in a deep breath. “I want to apologize, Duke.”

  “You? Apologize? For all the crap that I’ve put you through, I don’t think you need to apologize.”

  “Seriously. I was selfish for this vow of silence. Think of all of the times that we could have escaped or I could have warned—”

  “Ish, shut up. You might not have spoken, but you always said a ton. Don’t ever apologize for that again.”

  Ishiro’shea extended his hand. Duke gripped it tightly and covered both of their hands with his free one.

  �
��It’s been beyond a pleasure getting into the scraps we did across this fair universe. We picked up women, we won at pit fighting, and now we saved the universe. And we found your parents. I think that was the most rewarding thing that we’ve ever done.”

  “And your father too,” Ishiro’shea reminded Duke.

  “Speaking of my father, I should probably go. I have a deceased father in the ship’s deep freeze, waiting to be buried after all. I don’t want him to thaw out—and I’m not really sure how long this sliver of Orb will even last. It doesn’t look like it has that much juice, but I’m done predicting anything related to magical rocks. The Queen didn’t give us any directions, she just said it would be enough to get Ja’a back home.”

  “That’s probably a good idea,” replied Ishiro’shea. “When you get to Neprius, say hi to Uu’k for me. Make sure she keeps up with those lessons. She could be a damn good swordswoman if she sticks to it.”

  “I will,” Duke said. He released Ishiro’shea’s hand and turned to the Deus. After a few steps, he spun around.

  “This is just crazy, isn’t it? You running Cyborg Joe’s... and talking. Me carrying back my biological father’s frozen body to be buried on Neprius. Ja’a. The Queen. Mazilda. Maxx. I never thought a day like this would ever happen. I never thought we’d be standing here today.”

  “I did,” the ninja said with a wink and a big thumbs-up.

  Chapter 34

  That Primitive Rock

  DUKE KNELT AMONGST THE VAST expanse of vegetation in the valley, an endless sea of flax, jade, and white. The rocky cliffs that formed a sky-piercing perimeter around the grassland were as majestic as Duke remembered. He scanned the cloudless sky, his eyes jumping from one to another of the tiny winged silhouettes dancing across the blue tapestry. He closed his eyes and could hear the celebratory purrs of the grundar fighting through the gentle valley breeze. There were no signs of bloodshed or struggle or violence. If Duke had been tasked with explaining what “tranquil” meant to a new species, this vista would be his entry.