Feel My Love: The Damaged Series - Book Two

by Shayne McClendon

  Leo was a man of his word and Amelia knew that about him. He would give her what she needed because he promised he would. In spite of his own needs, in spite of his own grief, in spite of everything...he would let her go.

  Going to his knees, Leo sobbed for all that had been lost. His heart broke for the second time in two months as the true realization that Amelia was gone washed over him.

  The pain swallowed him whole.

  Chapter Twelve

  1996 - 1998

  Knocking on the door, Leo stared at the cobblestones of the porch. Gil answered as if he was expecting him. He’d known Leo a long time so he probably was.

  Amelia’s father gestured for him to enter and led the way to his study. They sat, two men sharing various forms of grief, and didn’t speak for a long time.

  Finally, Leo asked, “Can you tell me where she is?”

  Inhaling deeply, Gil told him, “The West Coast. Back when I worked a real job, I had some contacts in the computer industry. I reached out to someone who made it possible for Amy to disappear from her life. She-she doesn’t want to be in hers anymore.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t blame her. I’ve thought about running myself.”

  “Why don’t you?”

  Gil sat back and folded his hands in his lap. He cleared his throat. “I know you hate Augusta and you should. I-I can’t hate her. I don’t know why. It makes me feel weak but...I still remember the girl she was when I met her.”

  Looking for anything to stop his own pain, Leo begged for distraction. “Tell me about it.”

  “I traveled here for business. Explaining computers to people who didn’t have a clue. It was the winter and I’d never experienced anything like it where I grew up in South Carolina. I got sicker than a dog within hours of landing. Augusta was the counter girl at the drugstore. Prettiest girl I’d ever seen and quick-witted. I was older by ten years and didn’t realize she was flirting until I got back to my hotel.”

  He chuckled sadly. “I went back there every day for one stupid purchase or another. I fell for her within a week. Came back in the spring and asked her to marry me. I didn’t have much and she came from even less.” Gil stared through the window but saw nothing beyond it. “It didn’t matter.”

  For almost a minute, he seemed lost in thought. “We had Amy and when she was five, Augusta won the lottery. It was something I teased her about...playing every week. The first year, we were normal people with a lot of money.” He cleared his throat. “Then it changed. I-I don’t know for sure what caused it but I think it was Augusta going to her ten-year high school reunion. She was beautiful, intelligent, and had a family. More than a lot of folks there had. A woman there had this ridiculous photo book of her daughter in all these pageants and things.”

  “She knew the woman?”

  Gil nodded. “They were rivals of some sort in school. I don’t know much because she wouldn’t talk about it but...after that, our lives were different.” He gestured at the room. “She had this house built and enrolled Amy in all sorts of classes for dance and so forth. My little girl was always smiling and happy. She loved learning new things and I thought it was good for her.”

  Meeting Leo’s eyes, he sighed heavily. “When Amy started middle school, the fun of it started to wane. She was tired, didn’t like missing classes, and thought the other people at the pageants were mean. Augusta became violently protective. Got into nasty altercations with one pageant mom or organizer after another. She pulled Amy out of school more and...you know how that went.”

  The older man twisted his hands together tightly in his lap. “I excused things I shouldn’t have and refused to argue in front of Amy. My own parents used to have raging fights in front of me and it was the one thing I forbade in this house. Once in a while, I’d catch a glimpse of that counter girl. The woman I fell in love with.”

  Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees. “I have no excuse and that’s the truth. I said as much to Amy. I thought about leaving two years ago but Augusta let me know I wouldn’t have visitation. It went from bad to worse but I didn’t know how far she’d fallen.”

  Standing, Gil walked across the room and poured himself a drink with a shaking hand. He drank it quickly.

  “Now I’m alone in this big, rambling house and I have no clue what to do with myself. There are horrible memories here but...also good ones. My relatives are gone or scattered, my ex-wife is in prison for awful crimes against my only child, and my daughter is damaged beyond belief and running from what she wants more than anything.”

  He shrugged. “I have nowhere to go, Leo. Amy came to me because she knew I’d help but she hasn’t begun to forgive me for my part in what happened. She might never reach that place and I understand.”

  “What will you do?”

  “I keep selling stuff and it’s liberating. Over and over, I told Augusta to stop accumulating things but...it was a fever in her brain. I hate the clutter. I placed everything I knew was important to Augusta in a condo that I’ll keep for her until she’s released from prison. I split everything after I made sure our child was taken care of. I guess I’ll sit here and try to think of a way I can be useful.”

  Pouring another drink, he returned to the couch. “What about you, Leo? What will you do?”

  “I leave for college tomorrow. Staying here makes things worse. I need to work, study, and push myself so I can numb all of it. I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to be a robot, going through the motions until they feel real again.”

  “I’m sorry about the baby, Leo. I’m sorry about what was done to Amy...and how all of this has gone off the rails. It doesn’t seem possible for so much to change in three months.”

  Blinking against tears, Leo whispered, “She blames herself. I tried so hard to convince her…” Shaking his head, he said, “Never mind. It doesn’t matter now.”

  He stood up and Gil did, too. “Let me know if she needs anything but...I think she believes that being with me made her weaker.”

  “You’ve always been steady, Leo. It didn’t make her weak but Amy didn’t have to worry because you handled everything. You’re intelligent and capable beyond your years. She got used to leaning on you.” They walked to the front door and Gil put his hand on Leo’s shoulder. “I’ll keep you posted - let you know she’s safe.”

  “Thanks.” Wiping at tears that fell against his will, Leo told Amelia’s father, “I never saw the end coming. Even after the baby and all of that...I never saw this. One more loss on top of the rest. Guess it’s good I’m so strong, huh? Let her keep thinking I’m invincible. No need for her to worry. Bye, Gil.”

  “Take care of yourself, Leo.”

  “There’s no one else so I might as well.” He walked rapidly to the car and slid in the back. Baylor closed the door behind him. He whispered to himself, “Fuck all of it.”

  Finally, instead of blinding pain, a little bit of anger filtered through...and it was a good thing.

  There was plenty to keep Leo’s mind occupied. It was his heart that was being stubborn.

  He knew the remedy for that.

  * * *

  Throwing himself into his studies like never before, Leo blazed through his classes at Harvard with very little effort.

  A year after Amelia snuck out of his life, he was drunk at a party when a pretty redhead straddled his lap.

  “You look sad,” she said cheerfully. “I know the perfect thing to help. You Harvard boys need to keep your minds sharp so you can go on to run the world and all.” Tilting her head, she added, “I’m Sally. Come on home with me and let me shake you out of your slump.”

  She ended up being the first person Leo had sex with after Amelia. They dated for several months and she broke up with him when she started to get attached.

  “I’m falling for you and you’re not falling for me so...better we end this now so I don’t end up mangled, Leo.”

  “I’m sorry, Sally.”

  Planting a smacking kis
s on him, she said, “That’s okay. You can’t help what your heart does. Thanks for all the good stuff with none of the awful stuff most exes have to talk about. You’re a good man and I’ll miss you.”

  Then she was gone.

  The following year, he dated Teresa. She was an exchange student from Spain obtaining her law degree so they had a lot in common. Three months into their relationship, she told him that she loved him.

  His response was staring at her in blank confusion.

  “I was testing the waters, Leo.” She released a heavy sigh. “You talk about someone named Amelia in your sleep and I wanted to know if you still had feelings for her. You do. Life is too short to settle for second place.”

  Teresa quickly and a little angrily gathered her stuff from his place and slammed the door behind her.

  Two years after Amelia left a letter on the pillow she’d slept on, Leo emailed the address she wrote on the bottom.

  Hello, Amelia.

  I’m about to start my second year of law school. I hope you’re okay. By all normal metrics, I’m told I’m doing great.

  Leo

  When he returned from class that night, there was a reply.

  Leo, it’s so good to hear from you.

  I’m alright. I get stronger every day. Thank you for reaching out. I hope you’re doing great because you feel great...not just because other people tell you that you are.

  Amelia

  He closed his computer without responding and dove headfirst into the outrageous course load he took on every semester.

  For months, he cared about nothing but assignments and grades. He was determined to be the best. He didn’t return home for the summer so he could focus.

  As he should have expected, his parents came to him.

  Entering his apartment, he offered them something to drink. His mother looked around at his spotless space, the stacks of books, and the protein shakes he drank so he didn’t have to cook.

  “Leo…” she whispered. “Ye’re still grievin’, son. This is why ye don’t come home.” She approached and wrapped her arms around him, laying her cheek on his chest. “It’s okay. Ye don’t have te hide from us.”

  He almost collapsed from the pain that arced through his chest. Stumbling, his parents helped him to the sofa and settled at his sides as he hung his head with his elbows on his knees.

  Tears fell to the carpet and he mumbled, “Sorry. I’m sorry.”

  “Tell me what you need, son,” his father asked with his hand gripping the back of Leo’s neck. “Anything you need…”

  “No one can give me what I need. I just have to learn to live without it...and that’s proving a lot harder than even I thought. Time will make it easier.”

  Time didn’t make it easier.

  All time did was remind Leo how long it had been since he laid eyes on the woman who was his soulmate...the person he felt incomplete without.

  It was harder and harder not to curse when he thought about her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  2000 - 2002

  Leaving the building where he’d just taken the Massachusetts bar exam in expectation of staying on the East Coast, Leo rocked to a stop. Across the courtyard was a woman with her back to him.

  “Amelia?” he whispered.

  Practically running, he touched her upper arm and she turned to him with a smile. It wasn’t Amelia.

  “Hi,” the woman said. “I’m Delilah.” She held out her hand and Leo took it. He struggled to disconnect Amelia’s face from a stranger who could have been her sister.

  “Leo,” he replied hoarsely. “I’m sorry, I…” He swallowed hard. “I thought you were someone else.”

  She laughed and it was lovely. “I get that a lot. Did you just take the bar?” He nodded dazedly. “Me, too. A bunch of us are going for coffee and food since we couldn’t keep anything down from nerves. Would you like to join us?”

  “I-I probably shouldn’t…”

  Tilting her head, she stared into his eyes for a long moment. “The person I look like...did she die?”

  “No. No, she’s alive.”

  “You have the same look my dad had for years after cancer took my mom.” Reaching out, she took his hand. “Come with us. Have some food. There’s no harm in that.” She shrugged. “I already know I’m the doppelganger of a woman who clearly broke your heart so I promise not to get attached.” Smiling warmly, she asked, “Will you come?”

  Nodding, feeling strangely outside his own body, Leo joined Delilah and several of her friends for lunch. A few weeks later, when he received the notice that he’d passed the bar, he also received a text from Amelia’s twin on his new cell phone.

  Delilah: Passed the bar! What about you?

  Leo: Yes. I passed. Congratulations, Delilah.

  Delilah: We’re going out for drinks. To celebrate with everyone who got it done and comfort the ones who didn’t. Join us.

  He walked around his apartment in confusion. She texted him again.

  Delilah: Come out with us, Leo. You could use it, I think.

  Leo: Alright. Give me an hour.

  Delilah: Nah. I’ll give you ten minutes to meet me, Leo. Any longer and you’ll talk yourself out of it.

  She sent the name of the bar and he stared at it for almost a minute. Then he grabbed his jacket, keys, wallet, and walked out the door.

  Delilah was right. He did need it.

  Originally from Indianapolis, she was excited to find out Leo was from the Chicago area. “It’s fate that we met. Are you heading back to Illinois?”

  “I don’t...I’m not sure. I thought maybe I’d stay here for a few years.”

  She stared at him with her head slightly tilted. “Hmm. You don’t seem the type to run. Why don’t you take the Illinois bar just in case? Something tells me you’ll end up there.” Lifting her glass, she added, “A three-hour drive to meet friends isn’t so bad.” He clinked his glass to hers and she grinned. “It’s gonna be okay, Leo. Now, tell me what area of law you plan to practice and I’ll bore you to death with mine.”

  There were seven other people out with them but they talked at a table of their own for most of the night. She was relaxed, focused, and ready to take on the world.

  After several drinks, she demanded, “Give me a ten-dollar bill.” Laughing, he took one from his wallet. “Now you’re a client. Tell me everything about my twin.” He hesitated and she nudged him with her knee. “I’m an outside party. No dog in the fight as my aunt always says. I bet only the closest people in your life know about her. That must get lonely all the way over here in Massachusetts. Let’s talk it through.”

  All of it bubbled up in his chest and he realized he did need to talk about what happened to someone who wasn’t related to any of it.

  One word at a time, Leo explained: from the beginning to the bitter end. It was insane to talk to a woman who looked like Amelia about Amelia.

  Several times, he had to stop to collect himself and Delilah would order another round of drinks.

  “Keep going, Leo. Lancing pain is cathartic.” Until the bar closed, he did. He insisted on paying the tab for her and her friends. “Hey, big spender. You don’t have to do that shit for us. All of us are bare-knuckle fighters from poor families. We set aside money for booze.”

  He smiled. “I want to. I-I feel lighter.”

  Shrugging into her jacket, Delilah pulled her hair from the collar and suggested, “Awesome. We should have celebration sex and you can see how you feel tomorrow. Excelling at shit makes me horny and I owned that bar exam.”

  Despite the heavy conversation they’d shared for hours, Leo laughed. It felt real.

  “My place or yours?” he asked.

  “Hmm. Mine. You don’t seem like the messy type and you’ve been moping a long time in yours, I bet. New digs, new vibe, new outlook on life. How’s that sound?”

  Honestly, he replied, “Pretty amazing actually.”

  Six weeks later, Leo helped Delilah move back to Indian
apolis. When they had her settled, she went with him to visit his parents.

  To say his mom and dad were shocked and confused by the introduction to Amelia’s lookalike was an understatement.

  As was her way, Delilah diffused the awkwardness. “I know all about Amelia and that we could be sisters. It’s how Leo and I met. It’s all good.”

  Leo’s father rubbed the back of his neck. “I was very worried about you for a moment, Leo.”

  She stayed in his childhood home for a week and slept in the room Amelia had occupied after she was released from the hospital.

  When it was time to drive her back to her place, Leo struggled with feelings he didn’t understand. He handed her from the car and she held his face in her palms.

  “This is the end of the line for us, Leo.” He frowned and she leaned up to kiss him. “We talked. We fucked. You helped me move.” With a shrug, she added, “It’s been the best and most functional relationship of my life.”

  “Then, why…”

  “You know why,” she answered softly. “I stayed in that room and could feel her there. I found a notebook in the bedside table and, after reading it against my better judgment, I can say with all honesty that I genuinely hope the two of you find your way back to each other.”

  “Delilah…”

  “Leo, I’ve never known a situation like yours. Not outside a book or movie. Before I met you, I thought soulmates and destined love were total bullshit. Seriously. You’ve thawed my cynical heart. She’s a part of you, your family, your life. There are things you say and do that I now know are based on your experiences with her. She helped you grow into the man you are and it would suck for me to benefit from all the time and love she invested in you.”

  Swallowing, Leo said, “She doesn’t want me.”

  She stroked her thumbs over his jaw. “Silly man. Of course she does. She just doesn’t think she deserves you anymore. Women throughout history have been defined by their ability to carry children. Those of us who don’t want kids or can’t have them are subtly and not so subtly ostracized from those considered real women.”