3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  The smell was beyond intense. It was like every waste plant, garbage dump, and putrid corpse in the world were being barbecued on a pile of skunk shit. The men couldn’t breathe without gagging. Andrew started puking from the scent alone. Ray and Joe weren’t much better. Ray immediately started a wind to blow the stench away, which helped quite a bit, but the smell was still very present. Looking around the clearing they saw piles of shit everywhere, some splattered on trees, others on the rocky outcropping in the middle of the meadow. A huge creature with black and grey hair all over it lay against the outcropping. He— it was uncomfortably obvious it was a he— seemed to be in great pain. Balzac was barely conscious in the great creature’s hand.

  “What the hell is that?” exclaimed Joe.

  “BALZAC!” cried Andrew.

  “The Mo!” called the plantlings.

  “God, this place stinks!” shouted Ray. The huge creature stirred, looking over at the friends with watery eyes.

  “Oh, hello!” he said in a deep, slow voice. “I’m sorry about the smell. I haven’t been feeling well lately. I was poisoned by a friend many, many years ago. I have…relapses every several years. It seems to get worse as I get older.”

  “All this stink is you? Damn, dude! That’s sick as shit!” declared Joe.

  “You were poisoned by a friend? Doesn’t seem like something a friend would do. What a douche!” added Ray. The large creature laughed weakly.

  “It was a misunderstanding. She felt very bad about it. I did a great deal of damage to the local forest then, as I have now,” replied the creature.

  “Who are you? Why did these little things take our friend and bring him to you?” asked Ray.

  “The squirrel is yours?”

  The guys nodded.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” The creature truly did look apologetic. “The plantlings mean well; they were trying to help me. They’ve been wonderful friends since the world exploded, and I was very lonely until they came around. Oh, where are my manners? I am the Missouri Monster, also known as Mo-Mo, though my friends simply call me Mo. Who are you?”

  The guys all introduced themselves in turn.

  “So why did you need Balzac?” asked Andrew.

  “It’s kind of embarrassing… I use squirrels to…clean myself after, erm, a bowel movement,” replied Mo.

  “You wipe your ass with squirrels? That’s awesome!” declared Joe. Mo gave him a strange look.

  “You remind me of a friend from long ago… You wouldn’t happen to be part gnome would you?” asked Mo. Joe shook his head, confused.

  “Just curious. I suppose you’d like your squirrel back,” he said sadly. They nodded. He released the limp squirrel into Ray’s hands. Ray looked over at Andrew, who caught Ray’s meaning right away and walked over to the suffering creature.

  “Mo, I think I can help you,” he offered.

  “You have another squirrel?” Mo asked hopefully. Andrew shook his head.

  “No, but I think I can heal you, if you’ll let me,” he said.

  “Really? That would be wonderful! Please proceed.”

  Andrew stepped up, hands glowing and proceeded to use his power to help Mo. After a few minutes, Mo stood. He was even bigger standing.

  “I feel so much better! Thank you! How can I repay you?”

  “It’s no biggie, dude. Glad to help,” replied the healer as he backed up. Mo’s motion managed to spread even more stink and his eyes were watering.

  “Actually, do you know anything about bandits hiding out in the woods near here?” asked Ray. Mo looked pensive.

  “Hmmm, I believe I’ve heard something. They are south of here, near the city. They are quite dangerous. They have several enhanced humans, a few aliens, and a mystic or two. Their leader is deadly. You’ll want to watch out for her. Are you hunting them?”

  “I guess. They like to hurt women and children, and we don’t hold with that. We don’t really want to fight them, but I suppose someone has to,” replied Joe.

  “You’d best be careful. I’ll have some plantlings go look for them, as well. They will warn you if the bandits are close. They may even help fight, but it’s hard to tell with plants. Anyway, I must be going. This part of the forest will need time to recover from my illness. Thank you again!” With that, the mighty beast wandered away, soon disappearing from sight.

  CHAPTER 15

  The friends carried the unconscious squirrel back the way they’d come. They hoped. All three were hopelessly lost in the woods.

  “Are you sure this is the right way?” asked Andrew for the fifth time.

  “No idea. I just know it’s opposite of where the big guy went. I wish Balzac would wake up! Maybe he can find his way out,” replied Ray. Andrew had tried to heal the squirrel, but nothing had helped. They walked on a while before Balzac started to stir.

  “What? Where am I? PLANTS!” he screamed as he woke.

  “Chill out Scrotal Sweat, you’re safe. We rescued you from the Mo-Mo,” stated Joe.

  “The Mo-Mo?” repeated Balzac with a whimper.

  “I had no idea a squirrel could turn pale,” noted Ray, amazed.

  “Do you KNOW what he does with squirrels? Did he?— Am I? Oh, God, not another ass crack!” panicked the fuzzy rodent.

  “No dude, he didn’t defile you. We got there just in time. Andrew even healed him. The smell was horrible!” answered Joe.

  “You three saved me? After what I told you? After I dragged you here to clean up my mess?” asked the squirrel incredulously. The guys nodded.

  “Yeah! Were we not supposed to? So, you’re a screw up and you can be a dick, but you’re still our friend,” replied Ray earnestly. Balzac sniffled and teared up before he started bawling. He hugged Ray’s arm before doing the same to Joe and Andrew.

  “I don’t know what to say! You guys are the best! I’m so sorry for everything! Can you forgive me?” he gushed.

  “It’s whatever, dude. Can you figure out how to get us out of these woods? We’re hella lost in here,” answered Andrew. Balzac wiped his eyes and blew his nose, into his tail.

  “That’s just nasty,” commented Joe.

  “Sorry, I just got a little emotional. Let’s see where we are.” Balzac hopped back to Ray’s shoulder and started looking around, muttering to himself.

  “Where the hell are we?” he finally asked.

  “You’re supposed to tell us that, O great spirit guide!” Joe said sarcastically.

  “Well, I wasn’t really awake when you started blundering through the woods! Which direction did you come from?”

  The guys looked at each other.

  “You don’t know directions, do you?”

  They shook their heads.

  “Well, I guess we head east, and maybe we’ll come out somewhere I recognize,” he sighed.

  Nobody moved.

  He covered his face with his paws before pointing to his right. They started walking.

  “Man, I think we lost all of our stuff again,” complained Andrew. “And what about Stubby!”

  “The demon bear will be fine. He’ll find us if we stay away long enough,” replied Balzac. They walked a while longer.

  “Did you hear that?” asked Joe.

  “Hear what?” replied Andrew.

  “I don’t know, it sounded kind of like, ‘Gobble Gobble That,’ or something,” Joe said.

  “It’s just a turkey, no big deal,” replied Ray. They heard more gobbles coming from in front of them. They sounded a little different than the turkeys the boys were used to, but they didn’t think anything of it.

  “What did you say?” asked Balzac, worriedly.

  “Turkeys. They’re just big birds. They taste great but aren’t likely to hurt you,” explained Ray.

  “I know what a turkey is, dipshit! It’s just that turkeys don’t exist anymore. They…changed when the world died. All that’s left is Rapturkeys!” yelled Balzac.

  “Rapturkeys?” asked Joe, doubtfully.

&n
bsp; “Yes! Birds are descended from dinosaurs. You know that, right?” They all nodded. “Well, when the old world ended, they evolved or devolved… or something. They became meat eaters like their reptilian ancestors. They’re deadly pack hunters!”

  “You’ve got to be kidding,” said Andrew. The squirrel shook his head.

  “I’m not. They are very clever and are capable of taking down much larger prey. They’re even worse than the giant flaming Cock!”

  Just then a turkey walked out onto the trail ahead of them. It was big, but otherwise looked just like any other turkey the guys had ever seen. It gobbled at them, cocked its head, and stared at them with a beady eye. It seemed to dismiss them and started walking back the way it came. The guys instinctively followed it.

  “What are you doing? Don’t follow it! We’ll all die!”

  “Chill, squirrel. You’re safe. It looks like it would be good eating so we’re gonna go get it,” replied Joe. Just then, more of the Rapturkeys charged in from the back and sides, wings flared out and hissing.

  “It’s a trap!” screamed Balzac. The guys all turned around to face the new threat.

  “Holy shit! Those things have fangs and claws!” shouted Andrew. There were three of the creatures coming right for them with murder in their eyes. As the boys faced that threat, more Rapturkeys exploded from the brush on either side of them.

  “What the hell! These things are everywhere!” screamed Ray. He started to shoot flames at them but hesitated, afraid to burn the forest down around them. That hesitation cost him. Two of the beasts hit him from behind, right at the knee joint, taking him down instantly.

  “Ray!” yelled Andrew. He was too busy trying to fend the animals off to help his downed friend. He was throwing kicks and punches just to stay upright. The raptors were baiting him, diving in to nip or claw at him at every opening they got. He was soon bleeding from several wounds.

  Joe was faring slightly better. His balls were bouncing around furiously, smashing through the monsters at tremendous speed. He heard his brother’s pained shouts and sent balls shooting over to defend Andrew.

  Meanwhile, Ray was getting pecked and cut up by the vicious creatures. He finally got his wits about him and used his air powers to blow the birds away from him.

  “All right, you feathery bastards, today must be Thanksgiving cause I’m gonna roast your asses!” With that, a fiery cyclone erupted in front of him, tossing the birds into the air and burning them at the same time. Between his whirlwind of flames and Joe’s flying balls, the Rapturkeys went down quickly. Soon they were all dead or running away, though all three guys were left bleeding and staggering on their feet.

  “Well, that sucked,” gasped Ray. He was in the worst shape of the three. Andrew went and healed him before attending to Joe and himself.

  “Where’s Balzac?” asked Andrew. Again. “Please tell me we didn’t suffer through the stink of the ages and fight demon turkeys just to lose him now!” As he spoke, they heard a loud squawk and saw a most unusual sight.

  “Die, you piece of poultry shit!” screamed Balzac. He sat astride the last of the Rapturkeys with his tiny paws wrapped around the avian’s throat, squeezing for all he was worth. The bird was gasping and screeching, slowly coming to a halt. Soon the flapping and kicking stopped and the bird fell to the ground, dead. Balzac stepped off the body and spat at it.

  “Nobody’s making a meal out of me again!”

  All three men looked at him. “Again?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it!” Balzac snapped. “Let’s get out of these blasted woods!” With that, he marched off, leaving the guys to hurry along after him. Joe and Andrew grabbed a couple of the birds to clean and cook later.

  They broke into a clearing a short time later to see Stubby bounding towards them. He jumped into Andrew’s arms, nearly knocking him over in his enthusiasm to see to his owner.

  “Easy, Stubby! You’re slobbering all over me!” exclaimed Andrew, but he was just as happy to see the cute little demon as it was to see him. They were able to easily retrace their steps to find their camp.

  “Can we just chill awhile? I’m exhausted!” groaned Joe. The others all heartily agreed with him.

  They collapsed on the ground around the campfire. Andrew and Joe dropped their turkeys on the ground, figuring they’d pluck them later. Ray saved them the trouble by searing the feathers off the carcasses.

  “Thanks! Now we just have to clean them!” stated Andrew. Joe was already on it. His balls transformed into blades and made short work of gutting the birds.

  “Perfect! Now all we gotta do is roast them, and we’ve got an instant Thanksgiving feast!” Andrew cheered.

  Ray started a fire while Joe made a rotisserie and spit the turkeys. Soon, they had succulent smells coming off the birds.

  “That smells amazing! There’s something about eating things that tried to eat you that makes it taste so much better,” said Ray. The others agreed wholeheartedly.

  “We heading into town tomorrow?” asked Joe. Balzac nodded. “Anything else you need to tell us before we go into the city?” he pressed.

  “I don’t think so,” said Balzac. “I’m pretty sure I told you everything already.”

  “You definitely dropped some heavy truth bombs on us, that’s for sure,” stated Andrew.

  “I thought you needed to know. Sorry if it was too much,” the squirrel said sadly.

  “Nah, we’re good. We’ll figure out what to do after we take care of the bandits,” replied Ray. With that decided, they ate, relaxed, and rested for the remainder of the evening.

  CHAPTER 16

  The next day dawned bright and beautiful. They hopped on the metal magic carpet and headed south towards Sedli. The landscape opened up as they moved along. There were still a bunch of trees, but it was obvious much of the land had been cleared by hand. There were small farms spread out along the way, closer together as they got nearer the city. Around noon, the walls of the city became visible.

  “Perhaps we should stop here and walk the rest of the way. I don’t think we want to draw attention to ourselves by flying in,” suggested Balzac. Joe sat their conveyance down. He took the metal apart and formed it into bits and pieces hanging off all three of them.

  “Dude, don’t forget your balls,” said Andrew.

  “Oh yeah. I almost forgot,” replied Joe. His metal balls immediately fell into his hand and he shoved them into his pockets.

  “You all ready to see what civilization looks like around here?” asked Ray. The others nodded. Balzac climbed up and on Ray’s shoulder and they started walking down the road to the city gates.

  The walls appeared to be brick and mortar. They looked about twenty feet high and strongly made, and as they got closer, they could see soldiers patrolling the top of the walls. There were four guards standing at the gates.

  “Halt!” said the leader. “What is your business in Sedli?” The four guards blocked the path into town.

  “What the bloody blue blazes is that thing?” exclaimed one of the guards as he caught sight of Stumpy.

  “That’s my pet bear, Stumpy. Don’t worry, he’s harmless,” answered Andrew protectively.

  “It looks like a Snarfuklbear to me, I’m not sure we can let it in,” replied the guard. Stubby gave him a pouting look and whined a little.

  “We’re new to the area and are just trying to find our way in the world,” answered Ray innocently.

  “Obviously. You’re dressed strangely, and your speech is odd,” said the leader.

  “So, can we come in or what?” asked Joe, annoyed.

  “Do you know the rules?”

  “Nope,” replied Joe. One of the guards rolled his eyes.

  “Fine. No weapons allowed; turn them in at the guard office. Don’t start fights; don’t steal shit. It’s pretty much common sense. I’d imagine even that stupid looking squirrel could figure it out,” said the leader. Balzac started to stand to defend himself, but Ray clamped his hand down
on him.

  “I think we can figure it out, thanks,” he said. The guards parted and let them pass. One of the men walked them through. Based on what they saw from underneath, the walls had to be at least fifteen feet thick.

  “You guys must be expecting a lot of trouble,” observed Joe.

  “This is a very dangerous area. Lots of bandit activity, dinosaurs, even the occasional dragon. We have to keep our citizens safe,” replied the guard.

  “Can you tell us anything about the bandits? We ran into some trouble with them at a town northwest of here,” asked Ray. The guard narrowed his eyes at the comment.

  “You aren’t here looking for trouble, are you?” he demanded.

  “Nope. We just don’t want to run into them again if it can be avoided. Are they a big problem here?” asked Ray.

  “At times. We can’t keep them out, but we try to curtail their activities as much as possible. They get away with some theft and protection rackets, but we keep the slavers under control. The problem is they are extremely wealthy and powerful. Bribery and corruption are common. The Bandit Queen has her dirty hands all over several of our officials. The Watch is pretty clean, although there are a few that are corrupt. We’re usually too busy to deal with politicians.”

  “Who is this Bandit Queen?” wondered Ray.

  “Ummm, the person that runs the bandits. She’s supposed to be a nasty piece of work. Extremely powerful, although I don’t know exactly what she can do. There are all sorts of rumors. She could be a witch, an alien, or an enhanced human. I don’t think anyone really knows. She rules her bandits with an iron fist, though she doesn’t come into town… Too many enemies, I guess.”

  “Any idea where they’re based?” asked Andrew.

  “You really don’t want to go after them. You won’t survive. I mean, if by some miracle you could take her out, it would be great for us… But anyway, I don’t know where their headquarters are. Most people say it’s somewhere to the south, in the forest,” answered the guard. He took his leave after that final comment, leaving the three friends alone.

  “Holy shit! This place looks like Mos Eisley with grass!” declared Andrew. It did resemble the trashy space port from Star Wars fame. Most buildings were short and squat, and there were a variety of beasts and transports within sight. Some of the animals were familiar, some were not. There were people everywhere, some regular human, some cyborg, some…alien. The guys looked around in wonder.