3 Guys and a Squirrel

by Jared Bellis

  “Oh, nothing. We’d just hoped to have accomplished more by now,” added Joe.

  “Bullshit,” she retorted. “You all are here for a reason and it isn’t to work for that air-headed pixie! I see you all watching people; I know you’re looking for something or someone. Now spill! I can probably help you find what you need.” She glared at all of them as she spoke.

  “Fine. We’re trying to find the bandits that have a base near here. We had a…disagreement with them and decided they should be taken out. We don’t hold with kidnapping and slavery,” stated Ray. Trusting her was a risk, but it wasn’t like they were getting very far relying on Balzac.

  “That’s…ambitious of you. Those are bad people. I know there’s more to you guys than you let on, but you seem more like slackers than heroes,” she said dubiously. Balzac nodded his agreement.

  “We can handle them,” Andrew assured, “if we can find them, that is.”

  “Right. Well, they don’t come here often. They don’t want to mess with Ruul; he’s one of the only people around that won’t pay their protection money. They don’t want to mess with him enough to push it often. He’s much more dangerous than he looks,” stated Chalandra.

  “Do they ever come here?” asked Joe. Chalandra nodded.

  “Rarely. Usually once a month or so to stir up trouble and try to intimidate Ruul into paying. They usually run from his golden shower though. It’s amazing how much piss that little body can produce!” she laughed.

  “Any idea on where to find their base?” asked Ray. Chalandra shook her head.

  “That’s a closely guarded secret. All I know is it’s well defended and impossible to find. You could blunder through the woods for years and never find it, despite its size. Your best bet is to find some bandits and have your rodent here tail them,” advised the barkeep. Balzac bristled at the rodent comment.

  “I have a name! I resent being called rodent!” he replied hotly. Chalandra laughed.

  “I knew it! I knew this little fuzzball could talk! Either that, or you all were weirder than I thought. I see you guys huddled up with him all the time, acting like you’re listening to him.”

  “Oops,” stated Balzac sheepishly. The guys just shook their heads.

  “Back to work! Bard, go play something! Stupid-head and Chalandra, clean up the bar! Stinky, go…lean on a wall or something,” ordered Ruul. He shook his head. “Why do I keep you here again?”

  They all did as they were told, getting ready for the nightly rush.

  Crowds at the bar had grown steadily since Ray started playing. His music was very popular and word was getting out that the Purloined Pixie was the place to be. It had always been fairly popular, in spite of the strong possibility of getting pissed on by a pixie (or maybe because of it). Ruul’s place was considered neutral territory, a safe haven for all. Ruul, despite his many faults, didn’t care what you were or where you came from. As far as he was concerned, everyone was equally inferior. As long as you paid your tab and didn’t start anything, you were safe inside his walls. People feared the wrath of Ruul.

  However, trouble came to visit a few days after their conversation with Chalandra. One evening, just before the evening rush, three strangers walked into the bar. One was obviously a cyborg; he had a robotic leg and two robotic arms. One of his companions was enormous, easily seven feet tall and about half that wide; his grey skin and disfigured face showed that he was at least part ogre. The third was the classic “tall, dark, and handsome” type. The only thing marring his looks was the perpetual sneer on his face.

  The three sat down at a table near the stage, sitting quietly while Ray began to warm up for his evening set. The cyborg and half-ogre each ordered drinks from John, while the third member waved him off.

  “They’re going to be trouble,” Chalandra told Joe quietly as they filled the drink orders. “I guess we’re going to see if your brother is as tough as he thinks he is.” Joe nodded, worried that Andrew would be in over his head.

  “I figure he’s totally dicked,” commented Balzac nonchalantly from his seat on the bar. “He might take the cyborg if he can avoid getting hit, but the ogre will tear him apart. And I’ve got a bad feeling about the other one; I figure he’s the most dangerous of the bunch.”

  Ray had obviously picked up on the menacing vibe they were putting off. He was watching the three strangers carefully as he continued to tune his instrument.

  Andrew, as usual, was totally oblivious to the newcomers. He was chatting up an attractive young lady in the corner and apparently hadn’t even seen them come in.

  Meanwhile, John took their drinks over to them and was rudely dismissed. The cyborg shot his finger of whisky, grimaced, and approached the bar with a cruel look on his face.

  “What kind of piss is this?” he shouted at Chalandra. “I ordered the best whiskey in the house! This tastes like mutant skunk urine! Give me a bottle of the good stuff!”

  “I’m sorry, sir. Coming right up!” she replied, hoping to avoid trouble. His companions were snickering at their table, clearly enjoying the show. Ray started playing in earnest, trying to distract everyone. Andrew, somehow, still had no clue what was going on. The cyborg took the bottle from Chalandra’s hand and poured himself a drink, purposefully spilling half the bottle on the bar as he did so. He took another slug of his drink, made a face, and slammed the glass down, shattering it on the bar. He gave Chalandra a cruel grin.

  “Oh, it appears I’ve spilled some of this shit you call whiskey. Let me clean it up for you.” Instead of grabbing the bar towel, he grabbed Balzac and ran him across the bartop, wiping up the spilled drink with the squirrel’s fur.

  “AAAARGH! WHAT THE FU….!” screamed the squirrel as the cyborg launched him across the room after sloshing him through the whiskey. Balzac slammed into Ray’s guitar, knocking it from his hands. The dark man grinned slightly as the half-ogre stood and laughed.

  “That was the best entertainment we’ve had since we got here! A whole lot better than that shit guitar playing!”

  Ray swiftly checked on Balzac, found him still breathing, and turned to the three strangers.

  “What the hell?” he asked angrily, only for the ogre to laugh at him. Andrew finally looked up from his girl.

  “You guys are going to have to leave. You can’t come in here and try to tear up the bar,” he said evenly. The three of them looked at him and laughed.

  “And why not?” asked the dark man. He disappeared suddenly, and reappeared right in front of Andrew. “Perhaps the pixie in charge will regret turning down our generous offer of protection,” he said with a sneer.

  Just then, Andrew’s face twisted in pain. His stomach rolled as his ass erupted violently. The girl he had been flirting with gasped and ran out of the building. The dark man gave him a look as he ripped ass again.

  “Are you well?” asked the dark man. “It seems you are in some sort of distress. Would you like me to end your pain?” He flashed a fang as spoke. “Or, would you rather preserve your life and leave this place? It’s your choice.”

  Andrew responded by throwing a punch directly at the man’s smug face. Much to his surprise, the man caught his hand and started to squeeze. Andrew’s face echoed his agony as the pain forced him to his knees. The half-ogre laughed and stepped up to prevent Ray from interfering, while the cyborg smirked at Joe and Chalandra before walking over to Andrew and the dark man. Joe’s face was thunderous and he started to go after him, but Chalandra put a hand on his arm and shook her head. He scowled but subsided.

  “You got some balls on you, boy. Taking a swing at the boss like that. Guess I get to have some fun.”

  Andrew grimaced again; his hand began to glow golden and he started to stand. The dark man’s hand, or rather, the vampire’s, started to smoke as he released Andrew with a scream. The cyborg looked angry and threw a punch at Andrew, but the healer ducked the swing.

  “Pretty good kid, but you can’t win this,” said the cyborg with a grin. �
�Tell you what, in the spirit of fair play, I’ll give you one free shot. Do your worst.”

  The vampire looked at him and smirked. The cyborg stood with his hands on his hips and a smile on his face. Andrew took advantage of the cyborg’s generous offer and swung a tremendous kick right into the cyborg’s crotch. There was a scream of agony as he made contact. The blow raised the metal man off his feet, but the scream didn’t come from his throat. Andrew was writhing on the ground, having crushed half the bones in his foot against the man’s metal crotch. The three villains laughed again.

  “Nice try, but I lost those sometime ago. Looks like those balls of yours aren’t going to do you any good,” he taunted.

  “You want balls? I’ll give you balls! Joe, whip your balls out and smack him in the face with them!” screamed Andrew. The cyborg looked confused.

  “You want one of your buddies to hit me with his balls? What’s that supposed to accomplish? A lethal tea bagging?” he scoffed. Now, it was Andrew’s turn to grin.

  “Just wait, you nutless ass-cabbage! Go Joe!”

  Joe’s balls did not start flying through the air. Instead, he gestured and the cyborg backhanded the vampire, knocking him across the room.

  “Oh, shit! What just happened? I’m sorry! It wasn’t me!” he said frantically. The half-ogre looked surprised and moved forward again. Ray took advantage of his distraction and shot a blast of fire across the bar. The half-ogre ducked the fire, smashing a table in the process.

  Joe chose that time to unleash his balls, directly at the cyborg’s head. His mighty balls slammed into the cyborg’s head repeatedly, knocking him from his feet and unconscious at the same time. The half-ogre jumped to his feet and started to charge Andrew, for some reason seeing him as the source of all their problems. However, a large, hairy hand stopped his forward progress as nearly eight foot of pissed off werewolf grabbed him by the throat and lifted him from his feet.

  “That’s far enough, asshole!” growled John. The half-ogre managed to release a flood of smelly piss before being choke slammed through the floor.

  “Holy shit! You’re a werewolf!” shouted Andrew. “That is so cool!” The vampire took the opportunity to make a run for it.

  “What happened to my bar!” screamed Ruul as he flew in. He saw the vampire making a run for it. “You will not escape the wrath of Ruul!” With that, the bar exploded with light and the vampire turned to dust. Ruul continued to rant and rave, finally lowering his breeches and pissing in the dust, and all over the half-ogre and the cyborg. Joe started to say something but Chalandra stopped him.

  “Let him finish. You don’t want to interrupt him mid-stream or you’re gonna get pissed on too,” she warned.

  Ruul turned on them. “Why didn’t you stop them? Look at what they did to my place!”

  “We did the best we could. If we hadn’t done what we did, they would have destroyed the place instead of damaging it,” defended Andrew.

  “Why did you bring them here?” screamed Ruul.

  “We didn’t! They were after you! They were talking about you refusing their protection!” answered Ray. Ruul was livid.

  “Stupid bandits! Start cleaning up this mess! And tie those two up! We will question them later.”

  “Andrew, you better do something about your foot. It’s gotta be broken,” commented Ray. Andrew nodded and focused. Golden light surrounded his foot, and soon it was as good as new. Joe was speaking with Chalandra during Ruul’s rant.

  “How did he do that?” he asked.

  “Dust the vampire? He fired off a globe of daylight spell. He doesn’t look it, but Ruul is extremely powerful,” she said, her voice full of respect. “He also hates bar fights. Apparently some idiot barbarian assistant of his got drunk and started one that ended up with Ruul getting his head cut off. Consumed by grief and guilt, the assistant and the rest of the party had him resurrected, but left him at the temple, too ashamed to face him after that. He did some more adventuring before wandering through a portal and ending up here. Most people are smart enough to just leave him alone; apparently this crew wasn’t.”

  “He had his head cut off?”

  Chalandra nodded. “I wouldn’t ask about it. He prefers not to discuss it. Unless he’s drunk, then he won’t shut up. That misadventure gave him a healthy respect for priests and healers, and he’d do anything for them.”

  Joe nodded in understanding.

  “You!” screamed Ruul, pointing at Joe. “Go get a broom and sweep up that vampire!” Joe nodded and headed to the closet. Ray, John, and Frank were busy binding the cyborg and half-ogre. Andrew walked over to check on Balzac.

  Balzac was laid out on his back with his little arms and legs spread out. Andrew, not knowing what else to do, poked him in the stomach.

  “Ow.”

  “Are you okay, little dude?” asked Andrew.

  “Yesh, I feel gooood,” Balzac slurred. He sat up slowly and wobbled a bit. “Why is the room shp…shpinning?”

  “I think you’re drunk,” laughed Andrew. Balzac attempted to stand on his hind legs but couldn’t quite get there.

  “Nonshenshe! I am a shquirr…shquir…a…”

  “Squirrel,” Andrew supplied helpfully.

  “That. With godlike power, I don’t get…drunk…” Balzac hiccuped and burped.

  “Okay, why don’t you just sit here and get your bearings for a minute?” Andrew suggested gently. Balzac nodded and started to tip over, but Andrew caught him and propped him up by the piano leg.

  Ruul flittered over to Andrew.

  “How are you walking? Did you not shatter your foot on the shiny one’s crotch?” Andrew didn’t want to lie, but didn’t really want to reveal his power either. The warnings from Balzac had scared him. But right now, he didn’t see that he had much of a choice.

  “Umm, I healed it. I’m actually a healer. Don’t tell anyone though! I don’t want people coming after me to use my power.” Ruul looked at him incredulously.

  “You are a healer? But you are also stupid?” The pixie arched his eyebrows skeptically, but it didn’t take too long for him to get over the contradiction. “Ruul loves healers! Why didn’t you tell me sooner! Ruul will give you anything you want!” Andrew wasn’t sure how to respond, but he was saved from thinking when he heard Joe yell from the closet.

  “Holy shit!”

  Andrew and Ray ran to the closet to find out what the problem was now. Joe walked out holding a box of Magic: The Gathering cards.

  “What the hell? Where did you get those?” demanded Ray.

  “The closet is full of them!” Joe explained excitedly. “There are cases and cases of them! Never opened packs! There are even D&D books, character sheets, and dice in there!” Andrew and Ray looked at each other before rushing into the closet.

  “Oh. My. God!” stated Ray in awe. Joe was right, there were countless cards and books in the back of the closet. They turned around to find Ruul and Chalandra staring at them.

  “Where did these come from?” asked Andrew.

  “You like them?” asked Ruul.

  Andrew nodded. “Very much.”

  “They are yours! A gift to the healer!” beamed Ruul before fluttering away. Chalandra just laughed and shook her head.

  “All of that stuff was here when Ruul took over the place and turned it into a pub. He talked about using them for coasters, but never got around to it. I take it you know what they are?”

  All three guys nodded their heads. They had tears of joy in their eyes.

  “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to us!” gushed Joe. “We need to protect them!” With that, he called up the metal he had placed around the bar and made a giant box to put the cards, books, and everything else in. As soon as the boys moved it all into the box, he sealed it up.

  “We’ll go through this stuff later,” he said, with impressive self-control. “I think Ruul is ready to start questioning our uninvited guests.”

  CHAPTER 18

  The cyborg wo
ke up first.

  “Where’s Ward?” he asked groggily, after testing his bonds.

  “Who’s Ward?” asked Ray.

  “What’s Ward?” asked Joe.

  “Why’s Ward?” asked Andrew.

  “You’re all idiots,” added Chalandra. “If you’re talking about your vampire friend, he’s the pile of dust by your feet.” The cyborg looked stricken.

  “You’re dead! You’re all dead! Do you know what you’ve done?”

  “Kicked your asses,” Andrew said smugly.

  “Nobody does that to the Raiders! The Queen is gonna come for you!” yelled the cyborg.

  “Raiders?” asked Joe dangerously.

  “Damn right! We’re the Raiders and this is our territory!” retorted the cyborg defiantly.

  “BULLSHIT! THIS IS CHIEF’S TERRITORY! FUCK YOU, AL DAVIS!” screamed Joe at the sky. Everyone but Ray and Andrew stared at him like he was crazy. The two friends just shook their heads.

  “Ignore him, he’s a huge Chiefs fan,” explained Ray. Everyone just looked at him blankly. He sighed. “Never mind. What queen are you talking about?”

  “Our Queen! Ward was her favorite, so she’s gonna tear this town apart looking for you dipshits! You’re dead, you just don’t know it yet!”

  “Are you threatening Ruul?” Ruul asked. “I WILL KILL YOU!” He started for the cyborg but Chalandra caught him.

  “Hold up, boss. We need to figure a few things out before you execute anyone.” Ruul glared at her but stopped. She released him. “If we kill all of them, more are just going to come looking. You’ll lose the bar.”

  “I will destroy them all!” he responded angrily. The cyborg laughed.

  “Yeah, right! No little faerie’s gonna destroy us!” Ruul turned purple.

  “I. AM. A. PIXIE!”

  “If it weren’t for these idiots, you’d have your wings pinned to the Queen’s wall.” The cyborg looked at Andrew. “She’s gonna kill you for dusting Ward. And she’s gonna take her time doing it!”