Geek Girl

by Cindy C. Bennett

  ⊕⊗⊕

  Typically, I begin to doubt Trevor’s intentions for inviting me. It has to be something bad, right? Some new way to torture me, make me suffer. So in the end, I don’t tell anyone—not even Jane. My lame excuse for being unable to hang out with her on Saturday night as I usually do barely registers with her as she enthusiastically assures me that it’s okay. Brian has asked her if she wants to do something with him that night.

  I change my clothes six times until I finally decide downplaying is the way to go: plain, fitted gray T-shirt and jeans. I’m still insecure about his reasons for inviting me, so I don’t want to make it seem like I’m expecting anything. That I happen to know he really likes the gray T-shirt on me doesn’t mean anything.

  I arrive just a few minutes late. I don’t know where he’s at in the program, so I don’t want to miss it; I also don’t want to run into anyone I know and try to explain my sudden interest in the school’s Theater Group. I pay for my ticket and sneak into the darkened auditorium. It’s only full about two-thirds of the way back, so I’m able to sit alone in the back, unnoticed.

  The program they handed me as I walked in tells me that Trevor will be about halfway into the program. The program is mostly a mishmash of dancing, singing, and acted-out play scenes. It’s actually pretty good, but because it’s all a bunch of gooey romance, I feel like closing my eyes and plugging my ears. Romantic-type things don’t sit too well with me these days.

  Then Trevor walks out on stage, not in a geek tuxedo as I had expected, but dressed simply in a long-sleeved black Henley and jeans. He looks incredibly sexy. He sits at the piano, sideways to the audience. As if these things weren’t enough to take my breath away, he begins playing. Recognition shoots like a lightning bolt into my belly.

  My song. He’s playing my song. A couple drifts out on stage and begin moving to the music. I don’t know what to think, how to feel. What is it he’s trying to tell me?

  Trevor begins singing. I knew that he could sing, of course—he sings every time we’re at the senior center. I’ve never heard him sing like this. I listen breathlessly, my heart thrumming with his music, his words of love and forgiveness flowing down my spine right to my toes.

  The song trails off, and the couple on stage embrace as the spotlight fades. The audience bursts into applause and whistling, but I can’t move. I watch Trevor stand, but instead of bowing, accepting his accolades, he’s heading down the steps from the stage to the auditorium floor. Then he’s striding up the aisle toward me as the next act begins on stage.

  I panic just a little, wondering if I should stand so that he can see me, so that he knows I’m here, that I heard. Turns out to be unnecessary because he already knows where I am.

  He stops right in front of me and reaches a hand out. Stunned, I place my hand in his, and he pulls me to my feet. Even in the dimness, I can read the intensity in his eyes. He brings his hands up, cupping the sides of my face, wiping my tears away with his thumbs.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “I love you,” he answers, and all the shattered pieces of my heart knit themselves back together.

  “I’m so sorry, Trevor,” I whisper urgently, knowing this might be the only chance I have to tell him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better person, that I did everything wrong. But I’m happy—so happy that I got the chance to love you. I swear, though, I never meant to hurt—”

  He stops my words effectively with a kiss. My toes curl, and the tears begin flowing again, which is funny since I can’t stop smiling. When he pulls back, he’s grinning at me, dimples out for me.

  “I love you, Trevor.”

  “Call me Trev,” he says, leaning down again.

  “Trev,” I sigh as he presses his mouth to mine again, letting me know just how complete his forgiveness is. Geek, I think fondly, glad that this particular one is mine.

  37. Whole Again

  You have no idea how good it feels to have your arms around me.”

  Trevor squeezes me from behind. I feel it to the center of my bones, even through all the thick layers of our coats, scarves, and gloves. Last night wasn’t the first snowstorm of the season, but it was the first one that stuck. Trevor had to grab a broom and push all the snow off the tramp before we got on. We now sit, with him wrapped around me from behind, keeping me warm.

  “You have no idea how good it feels to have you in my arms again,” he murmurs in my ear, sending shivers down my spine that have nothing to do with the cold. I turn sideways so that I can see him.

  “Trev, I wish I could tell you how sorry—”

  His mouth on mine effectively shuts me up.

  “No more apologies,” he says. “We’re both sorry for being idiots, but it doesn’t matter anymore. We’re here now, that’s all that matters.”

  While it’s not the easiest thing to do in the world—kissing while smiling—I’m finding these days that I’m getting better and better at it, because I can’t seem to stop smiling, especially when he’s kissing me.

  “Wait a minute,” I say, pushing back—but not too far back. “What do you mean we were both idiots? Exactly when were you an idiot?”

  “From the second Beth told me. It shouldn’t have mattered why you originally came to me—only that you did.” I look at him doubtfully, and he continues. “I was miserable without you. Every second of every day I wanted to come to you, apologize for acting like a jerk, and ask you to forgive me.”

  “Forgive you?”

  He ducks his head, kissing me on the nose.

  “I guess I still haven’t asked for that, have I?”

  “You don’t need to, Trev. There’s nothing to forgive.” He’s already shaking his head.

  “Do you know why I was so angry?”

  “Because I did a really horrible thing that hurt you.”

  He looks ready to argue, then reconsiders.

  “Okay, that’s true—to a degree. It wasn’t the worst thing you could have done. I always knew there was some reason for you to decide you liked me out of the blue like that. After a while, it didn’t matter anymore. Most of all, it hurt my pride when she told me, but I didn’t want to admit that to myself.” He grins deprecatingly. “I didn’t know I had it in me to be so prideful.”

  I roll my eyes. That’s such a geek reaction to pride.

  “And I wondered if it had all been a lie. That hurt my pride too, that you could have fooled me for so long and so thoroughly. It took me a while to realize that I didn’t really care if it had been a lie because I wouldn’t have traded any of my time with you. Plus, I could see that you were genuinely unhappy when we were apart. That about killed me, seeing that.”

  He swallows over a lump in his throat, his eyes coming to mine, filled with remembered misery. “By the time the dance rolled around, I knew I couldn’t be without you much longer. Every time I tried to come to you, my stupid pride got in the way. After that kiss . . .” He trails off and leans down, kissing me again as if talking about it reminds him that it has been longer than five minutes since he last did so. That’s one of the best things about being back with him—he’s making up for lost time, and I’m reaping all the benefits.

  “I was going to come to you then, especially after Brian told me how messed up you were that night.”

  “Brian told you?” I ask angrily. He grins at me, and my anger drains away.

  “Don’t be mad at him. He was worried about you. And he was pretty upset with me for causing you to be that way.” He winces at the memory of Brian’s description. Wow, I must have been worse than I thought.

  “So why didn’t you come to me then?”

  His cheeks flush, and he looks away, ashamed.

  “Because when you came to school on Monday you didn’t look upset or messed up at all.” His eyes come back to mine, shadows in his. “You actually looked calm and happier than I had seen you look in a long time.” He shrugs and gives me a quick kiss. “That dang pride came flooding back. I wasn’t happy that the kiss ha
d obviously affected me worse than it had affected you.”

  “Are you kidding?” I ask, stunned. “It flipped my world upside down. But it also gave me something that I hadn’t had since all of this started.”

  “What’s that?” He frowns in confusion.

  “Hope.”

  He thinks about this for a few seconds, then his face clears.

  “Ahhh, so that’s what it was. Then I’m an even bigger idiot than I thought.”

  I punch him lightly in the shoulder.

  “Quit talking about my boyfriend like that.” He grins at my words, pressing his mouth to mine again.

  “Is that what I am?” he teases. “Your boyfriend?”

  “Actually, that word seems a little lame when talking about you. You’re so much more than that to me.”

  My reward is another kiss, one that has me curling my toes.

  “So, what was with your suddenly being nice to me, then?” I ask curiously.

  He shrugs again, looking embarrassed now.

  “What?” I press, more intrigued than ever.

  “Keep in mind the whole pride thing . . .” he begins, smiling. “I was trying to play your game.”

  “My game?” Now I’m just confused.

  “Trying to, um . . . trying to get you to want me, I guess.”

  I laugh. “Trev, all you had to do was breathe to make me want you.”

  “No, not like that. I mean, I was trying to make you come to me. Like you did with me in the beginning.” He hugs me tighter. “I’m just nowhere near as good at it as you are.”

  “It was working, though.” Now it’s his turn to look perplexed. “The first day you said ‘hi’ to me, I was completely off-balance for the rest of the day. Especially when you told me and Jane to come to Brian’s party.” I laugh again. “I guess now I understand how . . . bewildered you were when I first started coming on to you.”

  “Hey, kids,” Carol calls, stepping out of the house. I’m pressed pretty closely against Trevor, so I shift to move to a Carol-respectable distance. Trevor’s arms are like bands of steel, however. He keeps me held tightly against him.

  “I brought you some hot chocolate,” she says, waiting while I pull off my gloves to take it—Trevor pulling only one of his off—before handing them to us. This requires Trevor to release me with one arm, but he keeps the other firmly bound around me. Carol smiles at me, and in her smile is an apology.

  “It’s nice to see you back here, Jen. It’s good to see Trevor smiling again.”

  I stare at her, unable to respond. She turns to trudge back into the house. I gape at Trevor.

  “She knows she treated you badly,” he tells me. “It was the whole mother bear thing.”

  “Well, I guess honestly she’s handled everything pretty well. From me showing up here on her doorstep for the first time looking like I did, to hurting you like I did. I don’t know if I would have been any different than she has been. I would probably be worse.” I take a drink of the chocolate, warmth flowing through my belly.

  “So, you weren’t smiling much, huh?” I tease. He sighs.

  “No, I was pretty miserable to live with.”

  “I’m sor—” His mouth cuts my words off yet again. I smile at him.

  “If you keep doing that, I’m going to keep apologizing all day long.”

  “You don’t have to apologize to get me to kiss you.” He laughs, then throws my words back at me. “You just have to breathe.”

  I turn to face him fully, tugging on the hideously lopsided scarf that I crocheted with Mrs. Green. He’d refused to let me throw it away, but I did make him promise that he would never wear it in public.

  “So, I’m sorry about everything. You’re sorry about everything. No more apologies. Can I just tell you the one good thing that came out of this?”

  “You realized that Seth would never be right for you?” he teases, but there’s an edge to his voice.

  “You know about that?” I ask, awestruck.

  “Okay, since we’re doing the whole tell-all, this is one last confession.” He takes a breath. “I followed you on your date with him.”

  I lean slightly away from him, mouth hanging open.

  “I heard you were going to go out with him, and I burned with jealousy. No, burning isn’t the right word. I was more like an inferno. So I followed you. I sat in the movie theater in the back and watched you. I really couldn’t follow you into the restaurant and be inconspicuous, so I went to your house and hid, waiting for you to come home. When you were walking up to your door, I wanted to come out, sweep you up, and give you a kiss that would make it clear to Seth that he couldn’t have you.”

  His words sink in, and I can’t help it. I start laughing.

  “You’re as pathetic as I am,” I gasp out.

  “Worse,” he qualifies. “I’m a pathetic geek.”

  I snuggle back into him. “Yeah, well, so am I.”

  He holds me tightly against him until I finish chuckling.

  “So what did you learn? Besides the fact that you have a penchant for pathetic geeks?”

  I sit up again, wanting to look at him while I tell him.

  “Well, besides that, I learned that I’m a lot tougher than I thought. In my life, I’ve always been taught that I shouldn’t expect happiness because it’s not for me.” He opens his mouth to argue, but I press my icy fingers to his lips. “So when I finally found happiness, it didn’t really surprise me to have it taken away. I mean, everything was going so well for me, I knew it couldn’t last.

  “But what I learned was that I could be devastated and survive. That just because one good thing goes away, it doesn’t necessarily mean all the good things have to go away, even if the one good thing that did is the best thing. Does this make any sense?”

  He captures my hand, pressing it more firmly against his lips. He nods in response.

  “So ten years from now, when we’re married and maybe have a family or whatever, if something bad happens, I’ll know I can handle it. That it won’t kill me, because if I can survive losing you, even for a little while, I can survive anything. I’m stronger than I thought. The legacy I thought my parents left me is null and void.”

  Suddenly he’s smiling at me again, cradling my face in his own icy fingers.

  “What?” I ask, taken aback by his joyous smile.

  “Just happy that you’re still planning to be around me ten years from now.”

  “Yeah, you’re not getting rid of me so easy next time.”

  “Next time?”

  I run my finger across my eyebrow.

  “I was thinking I could use a piercing here . . .”

  He laughs, tackling me down on the trampoline.

  “Then I’ll get you one. I’ll pierce your entire face—no, your entire body if you want. Just don’t torture me anymore.”

  I roll him over onto his back and straddle his belly, pinning his arms above him—something I wouldn’t be able to do if he really tried to stop me.

  “I don’t want any piercings, my Lincoln Six Echo. I only want you.”

  Trevor flips me over so that I’m lying beside him.

  “I only wish we were Highlanders so we could live together forever.”

  “But then I’d have to spend my life worrying about someone beheading you. I’d rather just live a boring, peaceful life.”

  “Are you calling me boring?” he teases, leaning over to kiss me and show me just how un-boring he is.

  And so my life of being a geek girl who loves her geek boy begins.

  Acknowledgments

  To Lindsay and Lexcie, for your unfailing support and enthusiasm, and without whom I would not be where I am today. To Kelly, who could give a lesson or two on how to make a girl feel loved.

  To Jeffery Moore and Camelia Miron Skiba, friends, cohorts, and authors extraordinaire in their own rights, without both of whom Geek Girl would never have been anywhere near what it is. I count on your discerning eyes more than you can know. You
are invaluable to me.

  To all the wonderful people of Cedar Fort: Angie Workman, who first took a chance on me; Laura Jorgensen, who has been willing to support my ideas, no matter how strange they must sometimes seem, and who always answers my rambling, repetitive emails; Melissa Caldwell, who took the rough stone that was Geek Girl and polished it, making it so much better. And of course to everyone else at Cedar Fort who have and who will help me along this wondrous journey.

  Last, but by no means least, to all of my amazing readers. Writing would be nothing but a fun pastime to me without every one of you. You have no idea how much I appreciate your emails, Tweets, FB messages . . . and every other form of communication you find to let me know you liked my words. You are golden, one and all!

  Discussion Questions

  1. Geek Girl begins with Jen making the bet with her friends. What do you think her motivations were for the bet? Do you think she had specific motivations in choosing Trevor over another of his friends?

  2. Beth, Ella, and Seth, Jen’s Goth friends, were all minor characters, and yet they were pivotal to the story. Why do you think it was important to include them to understand Jen’s story better? Do you think the story could have been told just as well without them? Do you think Jane was important to the story? What about Todd and Tamara?

  3. Jen’s personal morality seems in contrast to the way she lives her life. Why do you think she is this way?

  4. Do you think Jen was right in her decision to go visit her mother in prison after all those years? Do you think it helped her resolve some issues and feelings from her past?

  5. Do you think Trevor overreacted when he found out about the bet? What do you think his reasons were for being so angry at Jen for it?

  6. What was your initial reaction at Trevor’s forgiveness of Jen? Did it feel realistic? Do you think he should have forgiven her sooner? Why do you think he waited so long to tell her that he had forgiven her?