Even Now

by Karen Kingsbury

  She wore a faded oversized yellow T-shirt and her father’s navy running shorts. Her middle was gigantic, so big it scared her, and even though the air was heavy and hot, she began to shiver. How had things gotten so crazy? Why hadn’t they listened to their youth group past or before, back when they still had time to finish high school like any other kids?

  The moon was full that night, casting light through the trees and spraying shadows around the place where she stood. She heard a car in the distance and she squinted at the headlights coming closer. It was him. She knew the sound of his car. When he stopped and climbed out, she knew for sure. He’d been crying. He still was. He shoved his hands in his pockets, walked around the front of his car, and came to her.

  “Lauren . . . ” He pulled her into his arms and tried to hug her. But her abdomen was so large that the moment was awkward, and he drew back. “I only have ten minutes. My dad wants the movers to hook the car up to the moving truck.”

  She searched his face. “What if we give the baby up, would that make them stay?”

  “No.” He ran his fingers along her brow and into her hairline near her temple. “We’ve been over this.” Question marks danced in his eyes. “Do you want to give the baby up?”

  “Of course not.” She sniffed and a pounding filled her chest. “But I can’t have the baby on my own, without you. My parents aren’t on my side, Shane.” She took a step back. “I don’t know what to do.”

  He felt her hand, moved his thumb across the surface of her engagement ring. “Remember what it says.”

  She blinked, trying to see him more clearly. “Yes.”

  “Even now, Lauren. When everything’s falling apart I still love you. I still want to marry you.”

  The minutes counted down, and finally they were left with only a lingering, desperate hug and a flurry of promises. “I’ll call.” Shane eased himself from her and started toward his car.

  “I’ll be waiting.” She took a step closer.

  “The year’ ll go fast.” He stopped a few feet from his door. “I’ll visit, I promise.”

  “We’ll meet you there as soon as you graduate.”

  “I know.” He narrowed his eyes, seeing past her fear and uncertainty. His cheeks were wet. “You gotta keep that promise.”

  Another step closer. “I’ll tell you as soon as I go into labor.”

  He was about to get into his car, but for a moment he did nothing but keep his eyes on hers. She understood what he was doing. These few seconds would have to last for her too. Then, in a voice quieter than before, he said, “I’ll never love anyone like I love you, Lauren. Never.”

  She massaged her throat and swallowed hard, willing the words to come. “Me neither, not as long as I live.”

  There was nothing left to say. He climbed into his car and drove away. Only then did she notice the pains in her belly. Not sharp pains, nothing serious. Just an aching sensation.

  As if even the baby inside her was grieving.

  Angela tried not to watch, but she couldn’t help it.

  She sat in the dark living room, staring out the window as Lauren and Shane said good-bye, as they hugged and wept, and finally as he drove away and Lauren dropped to the grass, her head in her hands. That’s when it came over Angela — a suffocating guilt.

  “Baby, it’ll be okay.” She put her fingers against the cool glass, her voice a whisper. “We’ll get through this.”

  She was still sitting there when Bill walked up and put his hand on her shoulder.

  “They’ll be all right.” His voice was low, confident. He hadn’t once allowed for any other possibility.

  Angela understood. Lauren was so precious to Bill. His protective instinct toward her was intense. This was his way of keeping her from what he believed to be a painful decision. If she and Shane stayed together, she’d keep the baby for sure — even if that wasn’t the best decision. If that happened, she’d never get the chance to really grow up, to experience her senior year in high school or her college days after that. Even more, if she married Shane she’d be stuck with in-laws who no longer liked her.

  Bill had no doubts at all. Separating Lauren and Shane was the best decision for everyone. Angela wanted to feel the same way, but she was too busy trying to grab a single breath. She put her hand over her husband’s. “What if they’re not?” She turned and looked at him, and her heart pounded out a strange rhythm. “What if they’re not all right? Maybe we’re wrong, Bill. This is all our doing, us and the Galanters.”

  He frowned and looked out the window at their daughter. “They’re only kids. They don’t know what’s right for them.” He lifted his chin a little. “I think we all know the best thing for the baby is for Lauren to give it up.”

  Angela felt the stirrings of anger. “We’ve been through this. She wants to keep it, you know that.”

  “But with Shane gone . . . ” He shrugged. “With him out of the picture, I think she’ll change her mind.” He straightened and gave her shoulder a final squeeze. “I hope so.”

  Then he turned and went back to the living room. She heard the television click on, and after that, the sound of an announcer talking about the Reds and the White Sox and who was in the line up that night.

  Angela watched him go and a soft cry escaped her. She shook her head. No matter how sincere his motives, could he really be a party to breaking the kids up and never have a single doubt? Between them and the Galanters, they had manipulated their kids’ futures in every way possible. They had more than a decade of history together, yet the four of them had willingly stood by as their friendship died. Then they’d agreed to keep their new forwarding phone numbers a secret. At least for a month. All so that maybe Lauren would change her mind and give the baby up for adoption. Angela looked out at Lauren and even through the dark night she could see the obvious. Lauren was sobbing, crying alone on the damp early summer grass with no one to comfort her. A chill ran down Angela’s spine and she shuddered. The thought wouldn’t leave her alone, wouldn’t allow her a minute’s peace. It was the same thought she’d had all week, all month. Yes, in some twisted way they were all trying to do what was best for the kids.

  But what in all of heaven would happen if they were wrong?

  Shane couldn’t see for the tears.

  He was the best player on his baseball team, a kid no one dared cross in the locker room or anywhere else. But in the past month he felt his life falling apart one day at a time. And there was nothing he could do about it. A red light ahead brought him to a stop. He pressed his fists against his eyes and rubbed. They wouldn’t have the last word, no, not if he could help it. They could take him away from Chicago, away from Lauren and the baby and all he wanted for their future. But they couldn’t change the way he felt about her.

  All his life he had pictured himself growing up to be a businessman, an investor like his father; a man who would earn his pilot’s license and fly to important meetings. But in the past month that had changed. He had a new outlook on his parents and their world and all they stood for. Somewhere along the way the money had become them, who they were. It was no longer an asset to be used as a tool. The wealth they’d accumulated defined them.

  It was their wealth that wouldn’t allow for an only son of the Galanter family to be a father the summer before his senior year. That’s what the move was about, no matter what they told him. If they could rush him across the country and enroll him in a new school where no one knew him, then life could go on pretty much the way it always had. No worries, no cares, and a future as good as gold.

  As if by taking him from Lauren, the truth would somehow disappear.

  Instead, the truth had become clearer than ever. The life he would lead one day would never be the life his parents led. He would find meaning and value in something other than money, and he would find it with Lauren and their baby, their children. He remembered the feeling of the baby moving beneath his hands. The child growing inside Lauren was his, and he would spend a life
time figuring out how to be a daddy.

  The light turned green and he pulled into the intersection. His eyes were dry now, the tears gone. In their place was are solve strong enough to last a lifetime. Because the truth he could see so clearly was this: he really wouldn’t love anyone the way he loved Lauren Anderson. One day, as soon as he could make it happen, they would find each other once more. He would add a white gold band to the ring he’d already given her.

  And then they’d never be apart again.

  SIX

  Lauren’s determination grew with every tear she cried. She and Shane would be together again, sooner than later. The day after Shane left, he called her from a pay phone in Oklahoma somewhere. Static played between his words, but she made out most of what he said.

  “My mom told me we won’t have a phone at first.” He sounded far away, nervous, and rushed for time. “We’re at a gas station. They’re filling up the car, so I don’t have long.”

  Lauren was confused. “You won’t have a phone?” Why was everything starting to feel like a conspiracy against them? “Everyone has a phone, Shane. How come?”

  “My parents said it takes time. Something about where our house is. I guess the whole neighborhood’s new and phone service could take a few weeks.”

  Panic welled up in her. “We‘re moving this Friday.” She ran her hand along her forehead and tried to concentrate. “We’ll have a new number too. How am I supposed to get it to you if you don’t have a phone?”

  “My mom’s going to talk to your mom. I’m not sure, but maybe through your dad’s work or something.” His voice was calmer now, but she could hear a car engine in the background. “I called because I want you to remember something, Lauren. If I don’t call, I’ll be thinking of you. That’ll never change. We’ll figure out the phone number thing even if it takes a few weeks.”

  She felt herself relax. “Okay. If our moms have it worked out.”

  “They do. They have to.” He paused. “I gotta go, but how are you feeling?”

  “Good. The baby’s heartbeat is strong.”

  “You . . . you haven’t changed your mind about anything, have you?”

  Why did he keep asking her? She clenched her teeth. “I told you. I’ve made up my mind, okay?”

  “Okay. Hey . . . I have to go. I love you, Lauren. I’ll call as soon as I can.”

  “I love you too.”

  They hung up and that was the last she heard from him. Now she and her family were completely moved into their new house in the suburbs of Wheaton, a full hour out of the city. They had a new phone number, and once they were unpacked she approached her mother. “How’s Shane supposed to get our new number?”

  “I’m waiting for his mother to contact us, honey. She’ll give it to us when their phone service gets connected.”

  “Okay, but how will she reach us when our number’s new too?” She had two weeks until her due date, and she was uncomfortable most of the time. “I need to talk to him, Mom.”

  “Oh.” Her mother didn’t blink. “The phone company has a forwarding service, sweetheart. Anyone can call our old number and get the new one for the next three months.”

  Light dawned in her heart. A forwarding service? “Really?” She hadn’t thought of that. “So he’ll call any day.”

  “Exactly.” Her mother smiled.

  Three more days passed after that, making it two weeks since she’d heard from Shane. Her back ached and she took a walk down their winding drive to the mailbox. Where was he and what was he doing? Were they unpacked and getting used to their new neighborhood? And what part of Los Angeles had they settled in? Was it a suburb or near the city, and why hadn’t she asked before?

  She wandered inside. Her dad was at the new bank, the one near Town Square, and her mother was in the den with an interior decorator, going through a sampling of window coverings. She went to the kitchen, sat at the desk chair, and stared at the telephone. Why wouldn’t it ring? No one would go this long without phone service, would they?

  But that had to be it, that the phones simply weren’t connected. Because Shane would’ve called the minute he had a chance. She tapped the phone with her finger. As she did, her abdomen tightened, and stayed that way for half a minute. False contractions. She’d been having them for a few days now. She breathed out a few quick times in a row, and tried to remember their last conversation.

  What had he said? That he would call as soon as he could, right? She let that play in her mind for a moment. Why hadn’t he found another pay phone by now? He could’ve gone with his parents to the market or the gas station or anyplace in Los Angeles. Pay phones were everywhere. He could call her old number and get the forwarding message, right? But then why hadn’t he called yet?

  She ran her finger along the receiver. May be the information on the forwarding service was wrong, maybe they were a digit or two off, and he couldn’t figure out her new number. An idea came upon her slowly, in fits and starts. She could call their old number, couldn’t she? Then she could hear the recording for herself, make sure it gave the right new number. Why hadn’t she thought of that sooner?

  Her mother’s lighthearted laughter sounded in the background. Most of her time had been spent with the decorator lately, and her father was practically never home. Board meetings with the new trustees, an intensive program of learning the operations systems, and meeting the employees.

  So may be it was up to her to figure out how to reach Shane.

  She picked up the receiver and dialed her old number. A one and the area code, and the seven digits that had been as familiar to her as her first name. As soon as the numbers were all in, she waited for the ringing. But it never came. Instead a strange tone sounded in her ear, and a mechanical voice said, “The number you’ve reached has been disconnected. No new number is available.”

  What? No new number is . . . Gradually, like the slow collapse of a line of dominoes, the floor began to fall away beneath her. She gripped the receiver. The recording was still playing. “— you’ve reached has been disconnected. No new — ”

  Her mother had lied to her. There was no other explanation. They’d disconnected the old number, the one Shane knew, and they’d intentionally left no new number. The reason was as shocking as it was obvious. Her parents didn’t want her talking to him. They’d moved her to the suburbs, and now they were preventing phone contact.

  Lauren was on her feet. She slammed the receiver down. “Mother!” Her voice boomed across the house. “I need to talk to you!”

  In the other room, her mother’s laugh stopped short. “Lauren . . . I’m busy. Can’t it wait?”

  She stormed through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the den. The decorator was watching, eyes wide. Lauren glared at her mother. “I need to talk to you right now.” Her tone was angry and just barely controlled. She stepped back into the hall and headed for the kitchen. Then she spun around and waited.

  Her mother whispered something to the decorator Lauren couldn’t make out, then she slipped into the hallway and locked eyes with Lauren. Her mother should’ve been angry. After all, Lauren had interrupted her in the middle of a business meeting, with a tone of voice that would never have been acceptable in the past.

  But as her mother walked toward her, her eyes didn’t hold a bit of anger. They held concern and anxiety and fear. Most of all, fear. Her mom waited until they were inches apart, then she folded her arms. “Are you in labor?”

  “Do I look like I’m in labor?” She snapped the words. Her voice was still a little too loud, but she didn’t care. “This isn’t about me, Mother. It’s about you.” She pointed to the telephone on the desk behind her. “I called our phone number, our old one.”

  Her mother looked at the phone and then back at her. The fear in her eyes grew. “And?”

  “Oh, don’t act surprised.” She wanted to scream. It was all she could do to keep her tone somewhat controlled. “You know exactly what I’m about to say.”

  “Lauren, w
atch how you talk to me.”

  “You don’t sound very convincing.” She studied her mother’s eyes. Who was this woman standing in front of her? All her life her mother had been her friend, her ally. The first one to listen and lend a bit of advice when her girlfriends ganged up against her at different times during her school years, or when a certain teacher gave her a hard time. But ever since she got pregnant, her mother had worked against her at every turn. Her mother and father, and Shane’s parents, too.

  Her mother shifted her weight. “Maybe you could tell me what you’re talking about.”

  Lauren let out a small scream. “Don’t do this! You know what I’m talking about. Stop lying to me!” She clenched her fists. “You didn’t leave a forwarding number on our old phone. If Shane tried to call me since we moved, he would’ve gotten nothing, no new number, no clue how to reach me.”

  “What?” Her mother walked around her to the phone. She picked up the receiver, dialed a series of numbers, and held it to her ear. After several beats, she looked at Lauren and set the phone back down. “No forwarding number.”

  “Yeah, and you knew that.” Her anger was growing with every few words. As she spoke, another wave of tightness seized at her middle. She winced and pointed at her mother. “You lied to me.”

  “I didn’t, Lauren. I promise.” Shock filled her voice, and she was suddenly indignant as the implication took root. “I told your father to put the new number on when he disconnected the . . . ” Her voice trailed off and she turned slowly to the phone. “I told him . . . ”

  The tightness was worse now, stronger than it had been all day. “You’re saying Dad did this, that you had nothing to do with it?” How could she trust her? How could she believe either of them? “What does it matter? The two of you are determined to tear us apart. I should’ve run off with Shane.” She was yelling now, the truth settling in around her heart.