Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me?

by Louise Rennison

  two minutes later

  Hawkeye was taking geoggers and when I walked in late, she said, “So pleased you managed to fit us into your busy schedule, Georgia. Sit down and treat us to your description of the formation of an oxbow lake.”

  Oh God.

  break

  The ace gang all crowded round me at break going, “What happened?”

  “Did the clown lady complain?”

  Rosie said, “Yes, did she tell that we laughed at Lecoq?”

  I looked at her.

  I said, “She talked about snogging.”

  Rosie opened her eyes wide.

  “Oh my God.”

  I said, “Slim has given me a sex lecture.”

  The ace gang went, “Nooo.”

  “Oh yes. An onion bhaji has talked to me about snogging.”

  All the ace gang went, “Erlack, that is sooo disgusting.”

  Rosie said, “Phone the police now.”

  Oh, I feel dirty.

  Rosie said, “Did she actually say, ‘What number have you got up to on the Snogging Scale?’”

  “No, thank God. It was mostly ‘inappropriate behavior in front of the younger girls…’ ‘Running before I could walk…’ ‘Saving yourself for the right young man…’ ‘All in good time.’ In fact, a quick summary would be, ‘Blah blah blah rave on rave on. Tremble tremble…Have some pride and dignity.’”

  Rosie said, “What she means really is, don’t tart around so much.”

  “Thank you for that, Rosie.”

  lunchtime

  I feel besmirched.

  I asked Miss Stamp if I could have a shower even though we haven’t got games today. She said, “Go on then, but I’m coming to keep an eye on you.”

  Bloody hell, this place is quite literally like Prisoner Cell Block H.

  two hours later

  How dare Slim talk about my private parts.

  I don’t talk about hers.

  I don’t even think about hers.

  Oh God!!!!

  I just have done!!!

  last lesson of the week and fortunately it’s

  german

  I may even get a light snooze in before home time.

  I said that to the gang.

  “I am absolument full of exhaustosity. I feel like I have been through the mangle of luuurve.”

  Which I have.

  Rosie has been reading her German for fools book again.

  She said to me, “‘Prat’ is Volltrottel!”

  It’s a sehr musical language.

  “Basoomas” in German is Möpse.

  As the bell rang, Rosie leapt up and did comedy beard work.

  She’d had her beard underneath her desk and she was pretending to beat it off her face and yelling, “Herr Kamyer, Herr Kamyer, ich glaub mich knutscht ein Hamster!!!”

  Herr Kamyer blinked through his glasses and then said very quickly, “Guten Abend.”

  And walked out quickly.

  I said, “What did you say?”

  And Rosie said, “I think a hamster is snogging me.”

  4:10 p.m.

  I was quite relieved when I got to the school gates and there was no sign of the Luuurve God. Slim is sure to be on snogging alert somewhere, probably with binoculars. She could quite easily hide them about her person and you would never know.

  4:20 p.m.

  As we walked along as a gang, it was nice and jolly.

  And a relief to be away from Stalag 14.

  And just to have the weekend stretching before me.

  No one has got a proper plan for the weekend as there is no gig or anything, but we are going to have a ringaround. I feel really happy and free. I don’t know why.

  Rosie said, “Rom and Jul could do with a bit of livening up, couldn’t it? Musicwise? Couldn’t we ask Miss Wilson if we could have a song or two? Cheer things up a bit in among the suicide and fighting?”

  Hmmmm.

  four minutes later

  We are all skipping along (yes, I do mean skipping along), singing songs from The Sound of Music. It was that ye olde Shakespearean classic, “The hills are alive with the sound of tights, with tights I have worn for a thousand years!!!!!”

  We were just all singing, “I go to the hills when my tights are loneleee…” when Dave and the lads leapt out from behind a tree.

  I was so flustered I nearly fell over.

  When I got my breath back, I said, “Have you been following us?”

  Dave said, “Yes.”

  I said, “Well, that’s not nice, is it?”

  Dave said, “Yes. It is.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “It is. I particularly noticed your basoomas wiggling about when you were skipping.”

  “That’s disgusting.”

  “I liked it.”

  “Don’t you feel ashamed, sneaking about and so on?”

  “Nein, ich feel gut!”

  I said, “I think you will find you are a bit of a Volltrottel.”

  He said, “Ach, Scheissenhausen!”

  He does make me laugh.

  five minutes later

  We all lolloped along together. The lads were in top moods because of a coup d’état they had done at school. They had drawn a massive boy’s trouser snake on the playing field with weed killer.

  They’d done it under cover of playing footie and then just waited for it to emerge.

  Dave said, “Top-class group work.”

  I very nearly told them about my “snogging lecture” from Slim, but I didn’t want to talk about the Luuurve God in front of Dave the Laugh.

  I did tell him about Mad Miriam and how we had had to find our inner clown.

  Dave said, “Has your inner clown got a Horn?”

  At the bottom of the hill everyone else peeled off to go home. The casual plan is to go to the cinema tomorrow eves. Dave walked along with me. He pushed me in the arm and loosened his tie and smiled at me.

  “Long time since we did this, isn’t it, kittykat? You’re too frightened of the call of my Magnetic Horn to be alone with me, aren’t you?”

  I said, “Er, Dave, I am not frightened of your Magnetic Horn and that is le fact.”

  He said, “You are.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You are.”

  “I’m not and just repeating something doesn’t make it an argument.”

  “It does.”

  “It does not…hang on a minute, we’re doing it again. Stop it….”

  There was a silence, then he said, “No, you stop it.”

  He is sooo annoying. Funny, though.

  We didn’t talk about the Luuurve God or Emma, although I half expected her to come running up behind us with some warm milk for Dave or something. Is that what happens to girls around boys—they just turn into zombie girls?

  Somebody should try telling my mum that she is supposed to be a man-pleaser. She asked Dad to polish her shoes last night. And he did! What is all that about?

  When we reached my turnoff, Dave said, “So what are you up to tomorrow night?”

  I said, “Well, I…erm, the rest of them want to go to the cinema, but you know…it’ll be like Snog Central and…I…”

  He looked at me with his crinkly eyes.

  “And your girlfriend is not around.”

  I said, “Oy…but, well, yes, I guess.”

  There was a moment’s pause and then Dave said, “Well, I’ll be on my jacksie as well, so maybe see you there. S’laters.”

  Blimey.

  When I got to my house, Masimo was sitting outside on his scooter chatting to Mum and Libby! Libby had got his spare helmet on, so was essentially a helmet on a pair of legs. I could hear her laughing inside the helmet.

  five minutes later

  Why doesn’t Mum go in with Libby? I keep raising my eyebrows and looking at her in a meaningful way, but she doesn’t know what I mean.

  Masimo has put his arms around me, and I am half sitting on his knee. I feel weird in front o
f my mum.

  Oh joy unbounded, Oscar is lurking about. Does he really think that wearing a baseball cap backward is going to get him a girlfriend? Also, when he jumped over his gate, he caught his shoe in his falling-down jeans fiasco and head-dived into his dad’s perennials (quite literally oo-er).

  Sad really.

  Also, I can’t help noticing, I am in my school uniform. This is not the air of sophisticosity I am aiming for.

  Also, even though nothing was going on with Dave the Laugh, except just matewise, I couldn’t help thinking what would have happened if the Luuurve God had seen us skipping along together. Talking about Dave’s Magnetic Horn.

  Dave seemed more like Dave the Laugh again. He hadn’t shown any sign of numptiness, which is good.

  Not that I care really, but well, you know.

  Don’t you? I hope you do because I certainly don’t.

  As my brain burbled merrily on by itself, Masimo said, “Cara, I must go. We are driving, now, for London. I am missing you. Bellissima Georgia.” And he kissed me on the lips. In front of my mother. Dear God.

  Mum said, “How beautiful. See you when you get back and good luck with everything.”

  Then Masimo went and gave her two kisses on either cheek. He said, “Bella mama.”

  My mother practically collapsed on the spot. Then she laughed like a fool and said, “Ooohhh.”

  The romantic mood was spoiled a bit by the complete fandango of getting the spare helmet off Libby. First of all she said, “No, I laaaaaike it. It’s mine.”

  And ran off to hide.

  Of course, being a helmet on legs doesn’t make it easy to hide. Nor does the fact that she thinks just standing very still behind a small tree makes her invisible. When I went and got her, she kicked my leg and said, “Shhhh, Gingey, I am hiding, you bad boy.”

  I lured her out of it by the Jammy Dodger bribe. She couldn’t eat them with the helmet on, but I also had to promise to read her Heidi. AGAIN!!!

  Mum tried to help by suggesting I read something called The Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton.

  At least it’s trees instead of cheese.

  twenty minutes later

  Why do they let impressionable children read this sort of thing? It has even freaked Libby out because it is so insane. There is some bloke called Moonface in it. And he has got a moonface. Literally. Isn’t that a bit moon-ist?

  in my bedroom

  It’s odd having someone really like you. Am I that brilliant? Maybe all Pizza-a-gogo boys are like Masimo.

  Hang on a minute, Rom is a Pizza-a-gogo type. It’s all fitting together now. Rom only snogged Jul once before he shinned up her drainpipe (oo-er) and then he married her and committed suicide.

  Perhaps all Pizza-a-gogo boys are the same.

  two minutes later

  If I hear a scrabbling noise outside my bedroom window one night, it might not be Angus dragging some half-eaten cockroach for me to look at. It might be Masimo wanting a midnight wedding.

  Crikey. I’ve already got a locket.

  8:30 p.m.

  Masimo phoned just before he set off.

  He said, “Miss Georgia, will you wait for me?”

  I was thinking, blimey, mate, it’s only a day and a half. But I said yes.

  I hadn’t really thought about it before, but I suppose if he did go on tour, we might not see each other all the time.

  And there would be loads of girls around him.

  But he is not a red-bottomed Hornmeister, is he?

  The question is…am I?

  two minutes later

  No, I am most certainly not. I am the girlfriend of a Luuurve God and that is the end of the story.

  Oh yes, I have dabbled in the cakeshop of life, but those days are well and truly over now.

  I have settled for an Italian fancy. And I am not a jam tart.

  three minutes later

  What did Dave the Laugh mean when he said he would be on his jacksie?

  four minutes later

  I phoned Jas.

  “Jas?”

  “Hmmm.”

  “Are you going to deffo go to the cinema?”

  “Yes, I think so. The only thing is, if Tom has got some special stones he was talking about, then we would put them in the aquarium.”

  “Right, so it’s either the cinema or putting stones in a tank. I see. Erm, Jas, is, erm, are Dave the Laugh and Emma going?”

  “Why?”

  “It’s just a question, Jas.”

  “I know, but it’s nothing to do with you pretending I fancy Dave the Laugh, is it?”

  “You have a vair suspicious nature, it’s sad.”

  “Well, why are you asking me? Anyway, Emma has gone on a sketching weekend with her art teacher, so she won’t be there.”

  in my room

  The vair weird thing was that I was sort of looking forward to going to the cinema now.

  What was all that about?

  half an hour later

  Just for the crack of being with your mates.

  That’s all.

  You know, relaxing and watching a film with your mates.

  Simple, uncomplicated stuff.

  sven finds his inner woman (unfortunately)

  saturday october 1st

  9:00 a.m.

  Something’s vair vair wrong. It’s so quiet.

  What is so weird?

  9:10 a.m.

  I know what it is. No one has come barging into my room making me do stuff.

  Also, I am in my bed, by myself.

  No cats chewing my hair.

  No Libby dancing around in suspiciously bulging pongie pants.

  one minute later

  No, I tell a lie, I am not alone. I have got Mr. Potato Head with me. I didn’t realize at first because he has got his sock “nightdress” on….

  Urgh, Mr. Potato Head is going a bit green.

  I can’t believe I nearly snogged him when I had snogging withdrawal.

  I don’t fancy him half so much now he is losing his looks!!!!

  Hahahahahahaha.

  Shut up.

  Why is it so quiet, though?

  Oh, I thought it was too good to be true. I can hear the distinct approach of some portly bloke lumbering up the stairs to my b.o.l. (boudoir of luuurve). It will be Vati larging in with some ludicrous scheme to go and look around some pie factory somewhere. For hints on how to get even larger in the botty department.

  The steps stopped outside my door and there was a knock.

  What?

  Then Vati said from outside the door, “Georgia, I have brought you a cup of tea. Your mum said you would like one. May I bring it in for you?”

  What was this? It must be some plan of his to get me to do something horrific, like come and watch him play “football” with his mates. Twenty-two out-of-condition men lumbering around a pitch for twenty minutes before most of them are sent off for fighting.

  (Or, as happened when I last went, Uncle Eddie got sent off for having a fag and a beer with the goalkeeper. During the game.)

  two minutes later

  I said, “You can come in with the tea as long as you just leave it and don’t say anything.”

  three minutes later

  Am I suddenly living in Wind in the Willows and Dad is kindly old Badger? He didn’t say anything to me, just put the tea down and smiled at me and went away.

  It must be some sort of trick to lull me into a false sense of security.

  He was even almost normally dressed. In a proper jumper and trousers.

  Not leatherette or anything.

  Crikey.

  fifteen minutes later

  This is the life, just lying here letting my pores breathe.

  I wonder if I should start to cleanse and tone?

  Also I must remember to replenish my pouch. I’ve gone through all my lip gloss in the last few days because of all the unexpected popping up that has been going on. Vis-à-vis the Luuurve God.

  He’ll be in
Lunnern now, hanging around with the Chelsea set.

  Do I want it to go well or not?

  What do management people do, anyway?

  five minutes later

  At least I have got my locket.

  My precious locket of my beloved Luuurve God.

  Where is my locket by the way?

  fourteen minutes later

  I forgot I had put it in my pouch, in case I was body-searched on the way out of Stalag 14 for smiling or something.

  I am going to phone Jas and see if she is coming tonight. And make her come, anyway.

  downstairs

  There is quiet music playing from the bathroom. As I picked up the phone, Dad came by with another cup of tea. He’ll probably throw it over me and start yelling about the phone bill.

  But he just smiled and said, “Good morning, sleep well?” and knocked on the bathroom door.

  Mum said, “Come.”

  And Dad shuffled in with the tea.

  Something really weird was going on. Mum is hardly ever out of the bath and Dad hasn’t gone ballistic in hours.

  Has he turned into a Stepford Dad?

  one minute later

  Jas answered the phone.

  Before I could say anything she started going, “Guess what, guess what’s the bestiest thing ever!!”

  Oh, what did that mean? The best thing on Planet Jas could be anything.

  I said, “Something to do with a new strain of vole poo? You’ve got a stuffed barn owl? No, no, don’t tell me. Your pants have a new all-weather stretch gusset?”

  She was going, “Nope, nope, you will never guess, it’s so sooo bestie!”

  I said, “Jas, if it’s anything to do with the newts getting a helter-skelter I don’t think I can bear the excitement.”

  She was too excited to notice my amusing-nosity.

  She just burbled on. “The Rom and Jul thing, it’s all, well…it’s all fabby and marv. In fact, it’s a miracle.”

  “I think you will find it’s a tragedy, unless Miss Wilson has rewritten the ending so that Jul wakes up in time and finds her inner clown, with hilarious consequences.”

  Jas was talking over the top of me.

  “Tom just told me, she’s got to take a uni bursary exam. She can’t be in it!!”

  “Who?”

  “Wet Lindsay!!!!”

  Oh joy unbounded.

  ten minutes later

  Mind you, it would have been vair amusing to see Jas snogging Wet Lindsay. In an horrific, road crash sort of way.