Gunnar

by Aiden Bates

  “Gunnar,” he said again.

  “Hm?”

  With a huffed exhale, almost a laugh, Raven pushed my hand away from his jeans. “Gunnar. Wait.”

  “For what?”

  “I want to talk to you.”

  I stepped back. The air rushed in to fill the slight space between us, and I suddenly felt cold.

  Raven laughed, a real laugh this time. “You look like I just said you’ve got a terminal disease or something. Calm down.” He grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the bed.

  Raven kicked off his shoes, and then sat at the foot of my bed with his feet curled up under his body. I sat at the head, leaning against the wall, and stretched my legs out in front of me. Raven reached forward and pinched my big toe. Playfully, like he wanted to soften whatever he wanted to say. From the slight shift in his eyebrows, I could tell it was serious.

  “I just wanted to be on the same page, I guess. What are we doing here? Is this—” he lifted his fist to his mouth and rapped his knuckles against his teeth, a little nervous tic he had when he really wanted to bite his nails— “Is this just sex for you?”

  Raven’s own words rang in my memory: “If I needed help, it wouldn’t be from the club slut.” At the time I’d thought he’d finally said what he really thought of me. That I was heartless and shallow, distracted by hookups—tarnished, somehow. Not good enough. The realization of what he’d actually been saying hit me now like it’d been dropped from a helicopter onto my head. He hadn’t been judging my character.

  I’d been hurting him.

  Every time I’d brought some stranger into my bedroom, I’d only thought about what I wanted. And what I’d wanted was distraction: trying to snuff out my attraction to Raven one pointless fuck at a time. Thinking that the more I sated my physical desire, the less I’d want him. Clearly, that hadn’t worked. And in the process, Raven—with his keen sense of observation—had watched me every single time. Watched me choose every person in Elkin Lake but him.

  “It’s not.” My voice broke slightly. I coughed, clearing my throat. “It’s not just sex. It’s—it’s more than that.”

  I didn’t have a word to describe whatever was happening between us. But it wasn’t casual.

  Raven looked up and a slow smile spread across his face. He brushed a strand of dark hair from his eyes.

  Of course, I loved him.

  My heart vibrated in my chest like a car engine in neutral, bursting with energy but with no direction to go. I couldn’t say it out loud—the words stayed trapped in my throat.

  “So why?” Raven asked. Not accusingly, just curious, leaning toward me like he couldn’t stay too far away. “I mean, why now? We’ve known each other for years. And nothing has ever happened. I mean, you fully rejected me the first night last year, I…. Well, you know. And things are moving so fast now. I just—I want to talk. I want to be on the same page.”

  Just another way Raven was the smart one. We should’ve had this conversation ages ago. But of course I was too scared to rock the boat.

  “After that night,” Raven said, “you started avoiding me, even more than you had been. Was it—was it because I’d tried something while you were asleep? I know it was fucked up. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you while you were asleep. Especially when you were so nice to let me crash with you. I misread the situation.” He wrinkled his nose, like the memory disgusted him. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “Hey, hey,” I said. “That’s not why. It’s not.”

  Shame bubbled inside me, and any resistance I’d had toward explaining my feelings to Raven crumbled in the face of his self-deprecation. Not only had I made him feel unworthy because I slept around—he’d also convinced himself he’d taken advantage of me. After I’d given him clear signals that I was interested.

  God. I was such a fucking asshole.

  “It took every ounce of willpower I had to stop that blowjob,” I said. “I wanted it. You didn’t misread that. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Raven sighed with relief. How long had he been worrying about that?

  “Then why’d you stop me? Why’d you start avoiding me?”

  “You weren’t in a good place that night,” I reminded him gently. “It was the night after Ankh’s funeral. If I hadn’t stopped you, I would’ve been the one taking advantage. You were a wreck.”

  “Doesn’t mean I didn’t know what I was doing.”

  “What kind of man would I be if I let that be our first real time together?”

  “But then you avoided me.” Raven scooted closer and drew my feet into his lap. He traced the knobby bone on my ankle with one finger, his gaze following the touch, like he couldn’t bring himself to meet my eyes again. “If that were all, something would’ve happened sooner.”

  I sighed. The truth couldn’t hurt him more than I already had. “You’re Ankh and Priest’s son.”

  Raven’s hand stilled.

  “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” I said. “Listen, I first noticed you when you were young. Still a teenager.”

  “How young?”

  “When you were eighteen.”

  Raven’s lips quirked into a slight smile. “Really?”

  “Yeah, really. And I felt like a fucking creep for it. One day you were the kid I was teaching how to throw a proper punch in the backyard, and then the next day I wake up and you’re this… man. A gorgeous one! And my first thought is, I’m a fucking creep for wanting to sleep with a guy more than ten years younger than me—who looks up to me!—and my second thought is, if Ankh and Priest find out, they’re going to kick my ass and kick me out.”

  “That’s not true,” Raven said. “They wouldn’t have done that.”

  “Maybe not,” I said. “But it would’ve changed my relationship with them. And—Ankh was like a father to me, too, in a way. He gave me a second chance in this club. I was pretty fucked up before I found Hell’s Ankhor. And I just... I didn’t want to risk disappointing him. Having him think I was trying to take advantage of his only son.”

  “And now?”

  “Now? I’m still afraid of how Priest will react. If I were in his position, and I saw some old lowlife like me circling my kid, I’d beat that guy’s ass.”

  “What?” Raven finally looked up, his brow furrowed deeply. “What do you mean?”

  “Look at me!” I gestured at myself. “I’m a beat-up old enforcer, couldn’t cut it in the military, history of violence, bad-tempered, and going nowhere beyond where I’ve been the past decade. I didn’t even finish high school. If I wasn’t in Hell’s Ankhor, I’d probably be in jail or worse. You don’t need a guy like me dragging you down. I’m just gonna be here, doing this, living and working with Hell’s Ankhor for as long as they’ll have me. But you…”

  I pulled my feet out of his lap, sat up enough so I could lean forward and touch his cheek. A deep frown appeared on his face.

  “You’re so fucking smart,” I said. “You could do anything you want. Go anywhere. Meet people, solve problems, fix shit. You could have any guy you wanted.”

  Raven’s eyes blazed. He shoved me backwards, and I flopped back against the wall, stunned.

  “What if I want you, huh? What if you’re the guy I choose?”

  “Raven, listen—”

  “No, you listen!” His eyes shone, but no tears fell. “You don’t get to decide if you’re good enough for me. I decide that. I’m not a fucking kid.”

  “I know you’re not—”

  “But you’re sitting here trying to make my decisions for me. It’s patronizing. You think I don’t know who you are?”

  I said nothing. Raven pinned me with his passionate, furious gaze.

  “I think you’re a jackass who’s been jerking me around for years, making me think he liked me, and then turning around and ignoring me and fucking other people in front of me. Treating me sweet one minute and cruel the next. I think you’re a guy who’s been causing me a hell of a lot of emotional whiplash.�
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  This was what I wanted, right? I’d wanted Raven to use some common sense and see that I wasn’t worth any of his time. But the thought of him getting up and walking out the door cut through me so painfully it left me breathless.

  “I also think you’re the best fucking sergeant-at-arms a club could ever dream of having,” he continued. He still looked pissed, but his voice softened the barest amount. “And I think you’re loyal as fuck. You underestimate your own smarts. And you put everyone else’s best interests over your own to the point of it being a fucking problem.”

  “Raven…”

  Raven crawled over me and straddled my lap. The fury in his gaze dissipated, like a summer storm that pours then passes, and what was left was just the raw intensity.

  “I don’t want to leave the club. I already did, and I came back. I’m not leaving again. And I don’t want anyone else. It’s not…” Raven paused, pursed his lips, gathered his thoughts. “Whatever this is between us, it’s not about being deserving. I’m not a prize. You don’t have to prove anything.”

  He kissed me gently, sweetly, with none of the urgency of our kiss prior. It flattened me.

  “Do you want me?” Raven asked. “Do you really want this?”

  “God, yes,” I said, and it felt like a confession.

  “Then that’s all it takes.” He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me again.

  We kissed slowly, passionately, and Raven’s body slowly undulated against mine. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think that simply wanting each other was enough. I’d been an idiot to think that I could really hide anything from Raven long-term—my attempts to create distance and space had been bumbling at best. And all they’d done was confuse him, hurt him, and make him doubt himself.

  Was it really possible that he’d seen me to my core and still wanted this?

  Part of me still doubted it—I couldn’t help it. Too many years of habit and thoughts to break in just one moment, or even a few weeks.

  But for now I had him in my arms.

  We kissed for a few moments more, and then broke apart just long enough to pull off our shirts. I changed our positions, shifting so Raven was lying flat on his back on the bed. Beneath me, his dark hair spread out on the comforter, and his sharp eyes twinkled with joy now instead of anger.

  I pressed my body against his, and his heartbeat pounded against my bare chest. The heat of his skin against mine shocked the breath from my lungs. He skated his hands down my back, and then slid his hands under the waistband of my jeans. He squeezed my ass, smiling into a kiss as he did so, and then slid his narrow fingers in between my cheeks to run across my entrance.

  “I want you,” he murmured in a low voice. “I want to be inside you.”

  I broke the kiss. I didn’t move away from his touch, but I didn’t encourage it, either. I’d murmured that same phrase in my partners’ ears before. But I’d never been on the receiving end. Getting fucked had never appealed to me—especially not in a one-night stand context. But when Raven spoke those words, in that warm, velvety voice, it sent an unexpected spark of arousal through me.

  “I’ve never…”

  “Hm?” Raven continued stroking me, slow and steady, and my cock twitched with interest.

  “I’ve never done that,” I said. “Been on bottom.”

  Raven’s eyes snapped open and he pulled his hand away. “Sorry,” he said. “I just… I assumed… You don’t have to, obviously. And it wouldn’t bother me if you never want to.”

  I rolled off him, and Raven rolled onto his side, so we were facing each other lying on the bed.

  “It requires trust, I guess.” I reached up and tucked a strand of Raven’s hair behind his ear. “I haven’t had that with a partner before.”

  Raven hummed. I traced a path over the shell of his ear, then across his jawline, and finally his kiss-swollen lips.

  “But I want to,” I said. “With you.”

  His gaze met mine and his mouth dropped open slightly in surprise.

  I couldn’t take back all the times I’d hurt him, ignored him, or treated him badly. But we could have this experience together. Something I’d never done with anyone else—I wanted to do with Raven.

  “You don’t have to,” Raven said.

  “I know that. I want to.” I kissed him and slid my hand across his torso, to his hips, and then reached between his legs to cup his cock hard. “Touch me again.”

  “Take your pants off, then,” Raven said teasingly.

  Moments later we’d kicked our jeans and shorts off and were kissing again, tangled naked on my bed. Like Raven had plucked this moment from my fantasies and made it better than I ever could’ve imagined. I pulled a bottle of lube from my nightstand and pressed it into Raven’s hand before pulling him down for another kiss.

  His lithe body pressed hot against mine, and I touched him hungrily, exploring the intimate parts of him I thought I’d never, ever get to see: the bony jut of his hips, the crease at his thigh, the backs of his knobby knees. His cock looked painfully hard, leaking precum steadily. I slotted our legs together, and sighed into his mouth as our hard cocks aligned.

  Raven shivered and thrusted his hips against mine.

  “Come on,” I murmured. I couldn’t stop kissing him wherever my lips landed. “Touch me.”

  “I’m gonna go slow.” Raven tilted his head back and exposed his neck for more kisses. “Make it good for you. Lie back.”

  I did as I was told.

  Without any warning, Raven scooted down the bed and sucked my cock into his mouth.

  I gasped, the sudden wet heat sending a powerful thrill through me. After our first disastrous night together, I’d thought I’d never get to feel Raven’s mouth on me again. This time I could rake my fingers through his hair and sink into the pleasure without guilt. Then Raven traced my entrance again, this time with a finger slick with lube. The cool, slick pressure added an edge of anticipation to the blowjob.

  Raven slid his mouth off my cock with an unselfconscious wet sound. “Relax,” he murmured, and pressed a kiss to my hip. His finger rubbed slowly, soothingly over me.

  Our gazes met. God, the sight of him between my legs, touching me, nosing at my cock like he couldn’t get enough of it even when it wasn’t in his mouth—

  How did I ever get so lucky?

  Raven slipped his finger inside me. “There you go,” he said, and then began to suck me again, his lips moving in time with his finger thrusting slowly and steadily.

  With his slim, deft fingers alone Raven soon had me pliant and open beneath him. The odd sensation of his fingers in me had built into a deep, intense pleasure, rising like a tide, but it wasn’t enough.

  “Stop teasing me,” I growled, tugging on his hair to pull him up to my eye level. “I want you in me.”

  Raven inhaled sharply. “Say that again.”

  I found the lube in the mess of covers and coated Raven’s cock, jerking him slowly, getting him wet.

  “I want you,” I said, nothing more than a breath in his ear. “Please.”

  Raven kissed me hard, and then slid a pillow under my hips. He gripped his cock by the base and pressed the head to my entrance as he gazed down at me.

  “You’re fucking amazing,” he whispered.

  Slowly, slowly, he pushed inside.

  I pulled him down so he was flush against me, and we touched everywhere possible. I wrapped my arms around him and cradled his head against my neck, and from his thick hair in between my fingers to the hard, full heat of his cock inside me, my nerves were on fire with sensation. He moved his hips slowly, rolling like a wave, in and out, and it was unlike any pleasure I’d felt before.

  He kept that slow, relentless pace, whispering sweet nothings into my ear and saying my name. I felt drunk, lost in the sensation, swept away. I’d never wanted to give up control in bed before. But Raven made me feel like I was safe—taken care of. Adored. It was completely new, and I never wanted to lose it.

 
; Raven lifted his head enough to press his forehead against mine. Our eyes met.

  The depth of emotion I saw in his eyes terrified me, yet I wanted it, I wanted all of it.

  What did he see in me?

  “I’m close,” Raven whispered.

  I wasn’t able to form words. I nodded agreement as the relentless, delicious pace of his cock inside me kept building, rushing toward me like a storm.

  Then he reached between us and grabbed my cock, and the sudden, intense pleasure made my head spin. It only took a few strokes.

  My orgasm crashed over me, so powerful I had to close my eyes against it, tipping my head back and clinging to Raven like I might get physically pulled away if I didn’t. He groaned a drawn-out syllable that might’ve been my name as he followed me over the edge, and then collapsed in a sweaty heap on top of me.

  I kissed his temple, and he made a snuffling noise.

  “You gonna fall asleep?” I asked.

  “Could,” Raven murmured. “Could stay like this forever.”

  Forever—there was no way he meant that. But for a moment I indulged myself and imagined that he did. That we could have this forever. I squeezed him tighter.

  19

  Raven

  The sun streaming in through the blinds stirred me awake. In my bleary, half-awake state, I didn’t know where I was. My room had blackout curtains—sunlight cast a glare on my computer screen—and I woke every morning to a blaring alarm.

  Then, with a grumble, Gunnar rolled over and draped his arm over my side. He exhaled hard against my nape before his breaths evened out in sleep again.

  Warmth flooded me as memories of last night rushed back. I scooted backward, deeper into Gunnar’s sleeping embrace. The hard line of his cock pressed into my lower back. In his sleep, Gunnar hummed and ground his hips against me.

  I floated, awake but dozing, as if I were emerging from a dream. Last night had been unreal. Even with Gunnar holding me, I could hardly believe it had happened. I’d been imagining it for so long, but my imagination couldn’t even come close to matching the reality. Gunnar’s solid, muscular body had been spread out on the comforter beneath me, so open and vulnerable, so unlike the powerful, dominant guy I’d seen lurking around the bar trying to pull strangers.