Gunnar

by Aiden Bates

  Killing had changed me. The years after Afghanistan had been some of the hardest of my life. I’d learned to do it well, though, and I’d eventually regained my sense of self, but it hadn’t been easy. Even if Raven was angry at me, it was worth it to prevent him from killing Bane. I’d never say it to his face, but Raven was sensitive. He felt deeply and passionately, and in the throes of anger it was clear he thought killing Bane would lessen his pain. He had no way of knowing killing would only make it worse.

  Even if Raven wanted nothing to do with me after this, it was worth it, to keep his hands clean of Bane’s death.

  And I didn’t regret the kiss. I knew once this was all over, I’d have some explaining to do, especially to Blade. But Raven had to know I wasn’t fucking around, and that I had his best interests in mind now—truly, not like I’d pretended to before. Raven knowing that I was in his corner was all what mattered.

  “Blade.” Priest’s voice was low and dangerous. “Two knives.”

  Blade pulled two knives from his person—he always seemed to have about five more than I expected—and handed them to Priest.

  Priest gripped the first gleaming knife by its handle. “This one’s for me. And this one—” he passed the other to me “—is for Raven.”

  My heart flipped in my chest. It wasn’t quite approval, but it was close. I accepted the knife with a nod.

  I slapped Bane hard across the chest, open-handed, and he blinked back into reality. Once he realized where he was, fear bloomed on his face. The dark, hungry part of me loved the sight. I stood behind him and tilted his head up towards Priest. I pressed the sharp edge of my knife into Bane’s throat.

  “I’m going to need some information from you,” Priest said. “We can do it the easy way, or the hard way.”

  “I’m not telling you fucking pansies anything,” Bane growled. “You’ll pay for this.”

  “Hard way, then.”

  I pressed the blade harder into Bane’s throat, slicing a long, shallow cut into his flesh. His breath quickened.

  “Why’d you kill Ankh?” Priest asked in a mild, bored tone. That level of control was almost spooky.

  Bane spit at him.

  The bloody wad of mucus landed on Priest’s jeans with a wet splat. Priest sighed. “Come on, Bane. Don’t be childish.”

  Instead of adding a fresh cut to Bane’s body, he simply reached down to the knife still embedded in Bane’s thigh and twisted it hard.

  Bane howled, thrashing in the chair, and my knife cut deeper into his neck. He gasped and stilled. “Fuck! Jesus fucking Christ! You think it was something fucking complicated, you moron? Crave hated Ankh. He was always ranting about your pansy-ass president and your pansy-ass club, and how he wanted them out of the way. I wanted the VP position, and guess what, I got it!”

  Priest’s expression was stony, but the furious pain in his eyes was clear.

  “Your president was just a pawn in the Vipers’ game. Same as your new president’s fuck toy.” Bane shot a bloody grin towards Blade.

  Blade was nearly vibrating with restrained anger, but he didn’t move. He wouldn’t, not until Priest was finished.

  “Don’t worry,” Priest said. “We have plenty more questions for you.”

  He nodded at me, and we switched places.

  I stood in front of Bane and flipped my knife in my hand a few times. “I’m not as nice as my boss. So I’m not going to give you an option.”

  I grabbed his wrists, still zip-tied together, and pressed the tip of the knife under his thumbnail. It wasn’t enough to hurt, it was just a little edge of pressure. “Why don’t you tell me why you’ve got a traitor in your ranks communicating with us?”

  “There ain’t any traitors,” Bane snapped. “Vipers are loyal.”

  “Vipers don’t know a fucking thing about loyalty.” I pushed the knife under his thumbnail.

  Bane screamed.

  I kept my grip tight on his wrist as Bane thrashed and howled. Then I took his forefinger in hand and placed the tip of the knife beneath the nail.

  “I’ve got nine more,” I said. “Then I’ll move to your toes.”

  “Crave’s losing his fucking marbles,” Bane said, the words coming in a rush. “That’s it.”

  “That’s it? If Crave’s unreliable, why do the Vipers want our territory so badly?” I pushed the knife in slowly, sliding it under the nail, and Bane screamed again.

  “Trafficking!” Bane howled. “It’s for the trafficking! Fuck! Fucking hell. That’s where the bulk of our money comes from. Getting girls for the brothels. Elkin Lake is the hub we need between LA, San Francisco, and Vegas. If we have Elkin Lake, we can triple our operation and get fucking rich. And once Crave’s gone, and I’m president, the Vipers will have real fucking leadership.”

  “Disgusting.” I looked to Priest. He shook his head.

  “We have what we need,” Priest said.

  I stepped back, and to my surprise, Priest did as well. He nodded at Blade, and then returned the knife to Blade’s hand.

  Blade hesitated. “Priest.”

  “Finish it,” Priest said. “For Ankh.”

  Bane thrashed in the chair. “No—I told you everything—you’ll pay for this. The Vipers will come for you.”

  “They can try.” Blade lifted his knife. It gleamed in the moonlight.

  24

  Gunnar

  I braced my hands against the wall of the shower and tilted my head forward. The water sluiced down my back, hot enough to redden my skin. The water swirled pink and grimy down the drain.

  Bane’s blood swirling down the drain would be the last I ever saw of him. The sun would be rising soon, and I’d have a few hours to sleep off the stress of the job. The familiar unnerving exhaustion was creeping over me, stalking forward like a predator.

  After the deed was done, Raven had been still and quiet, like he was in a trance. He’d hardly looked at me as I’d left the cabin, and he hadn’t spoken to me as we’d ridden home. I’d tried once or twice to get close, hoping to comfort him, but he’d stepped briskly away each time, and when I’d tried to pull my bike up next to his to offer silent solidarity, he’d gunned ahead, leaving me behind.

  Had I finally pushed him too far? I didn’t regret asking him to leave the cabin, but had I refused Raven his agency? Did Raven think I’d kept him from his vengeance, that I was still treating him like a little kid who couldn’t handle club life, instead of trying to make sure the man I loved didn’t make a horrible mistake that he’d regret?

  Or had finally realized who I was? Did he finally see the capability for violence inside me and decided it was too much, too dirty, too broken? The ease with which I’d tortured Bane… It’d turn any sane person away.

  Before I could fully work myself into a panic, a cool draft ran over my back as the shower curtain opened. I didn’t move. The touch sliding over my back was so familiar now, and the tenderness of the touch set my knees shaking. Raven folded his body over mine, his chest to my back, and kissed my neck.

  “Raven.” My voice was slightly strangled. I didn’t regret the ways I’d hurt Bane—I didn’t even regret the ways I’d enjoyed it. But it didn’t feel right to be close like this with Raven so soon afterward. Like there was still some monstrous part of me I had to pack away before I was deserving of his touch.

  “I’m sorry,” Raven murmured into my neck.

  “What for?” The heat of the water and the heat of his body combined had me nearly melting against him.

  “I’m sorry I said those things about you. I was just—I was so angry. I wanted to hurt him. Part of me still wishes I had.”

  I shifted, standing straight up and turning around. “Before you left, I told you it’d change you. The killing.”

  I’d spent so many years hiding from Raven and pushing him away. But I knew that I wanted this—I wanted to be with him. And maybe what I’d done in my past made me unworthy of his love. For as long as I’d known Raven, I’d been trying to make choi
ces that did right by him, even when he was just a goofy kid looking up to one of the older guys in the club, but my past had hung over me like a shadow.

  So now, I had to tell him the truth, and let him decide what was right. If the awful things I’d done turned him away from me—so be it. But no more games, no more hiding. I’d offer him the darkest part of myself. And if he rejected me… At least I could say I’d finally been honest. At least I’d know that it wasn’t just my fears holding us back.

  I leaned against the cool tile of the shower and pulled Raven into my arms, embracing him, so the water hit both of us. And so I didn’t have to see his face when I spoke.

  “I said it changes you because it does. You know I was in the Marines before I joined the club.”

  Raven nodded. His wet hair brushed against my jaw.

  “When I was deployed, I…”

  I flexed my fingers against his back. This might be the hardest thing I’d ever done—definitely the scariest. But if Raven wanted to be with me, he deserved to know what I’d done. All this time I’d been waiting for him to come to his senses and find a guy as smart, kind, and strong as he was.

  Now I could finally admit I wanted that guy to be me—but this ugliness was part of me, too. And we couldn’t get around that.

  “I had this CO,” I started again. “He was—a loose cannon. Itchy trigger finger. And I was just a kid. Couldn’t even drink yet. My squadron was ordered to move to another base. No one knew what the fuck was going on, no one ever did. Our route took us right through this small town.”

  Raven was still, still leaning against me. The pounding of the water kept me grounded, kept me from drifting too deep into my memories and ending up back in the hot desert sand of Afghanistan.

  “So we’re in the Humvee driving through the town when all these bullets come flying in from everywhere. Like they’re coming from every building. It’s chaos immediately. My comms guy gets shot next to me. Boom, dead. I get grazed in the arm. Once it lets up, my CO is on the radio going insane. He says he’s got eyes on the shooter. So now I’m out of the Humvee, my CO is still screaming orders. And I follow orders, so I go into the house he directs me to, and there’s a guy in there.”

  After all these years, his face was still burned in my memory. His wide-eyed fear.

  “So I shot him.”

  His body, crumpled on the floor.

  “And there was a kid there.” Suddenly I couldn’t stand to have Raven close to me.

  I pushed him away and climbed out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist and stood on the bathmat, breathless and awkward, not sure if I should leave, or stay, or forget this ever happened. But the least I could do was finish what I’d started.

  “Couldn’t be older than ten. And he saw me do it. Shot his dad right in front of him.” I exhaled hard. “Later, my CO said they’d caught the shooters. I don’t know—I don’t know if this guy was one of them. I never will. He could’ve just been a civilian. An innocent. Either way, I killed him. And his son watched.”

  I thought I might fall over, the grief and pain and fear weighing me down. “I’ve only ever told your dad this before.”

  “Gunnar,” Raven murmured. “Get back in here.”

  “How can you—I’m no better than Bane. I stood there and acted all high and mighty tonight, like I was enacting justice, when I deserve the same treatment. I did the same exact thing to that poor kid that the bastard did to you.”

  “Gunnar!” Raven barked. It should’ve been ridiculous, Raven acting all snippy and commanding while still standing naked in the running shower, but his serious gaze knocked the wind out of me. “I said get back in here.”

  I dropped the towel and did as I was told.

  Raven lathered the soap in his hands. He took my hands in his and washed them meticulously, focusing on the joints and my nails where the dirt and blood had caked into grime.

  “You are nothing like Bane,” he said after a while, with an edge of anger. “You were a soldier. And now you’re my sergeant. And you never were, and never could be, a murderer.”

  I couldn’t meet his eyes.

  “What happened in Afghanistan—that’s on your CO. It’s not on you. You were just a kid. You were trying to do what was right.”

  “You make it sound so simple.”

  “It is.” Raven’s gentle touch moved up my arms to my shoulders. The suds eased his touch, and he kneaded the knots in my shoulders. Tension bled from my body. He skated his skillful hands down my chest, washing me with care. Then he slowly lowered himself to his knees and delicately washed my feet, and then my calves.

  In all my years I’d never been touched like this. Never with such care and tenderness. I didn’t think I deserved it now. But Raven knew all of me now, and I was done pushing him away.

  Raven tipped his head forward and rested his forehead against my hip. He moved his hands up my outer thighs, half-washing, half-massaging.

  “I get it now,” he said. “Even without knowing about Afghanistan. I get why you didn’t want me to be there.”

  I carded my fingers through Raven’s wet hair. I was dizzy from the relief of telling him the truth, and that he was still here.

  “I was so blinded by my own anger,” Raven said. “Even with the whole club behind me, I got it in my head that I had to do everything. That I wouldn’t have really avenged Dad if I wasn’t the one to kill Bane—that it was all on me. But me killing Bane won’t bring Dad back.”

  “I’m—really glad you realized that. But I’m sorry it didn’t make it better.”

  “And I’m sorry about those things I said in the cabin,” Raven said.

  “You don’t have to be sorry.”

  “But I am.” Raven kissed my hip. “You meant it? You’re serious about this? About us?”

  I reached down to touch his cheek, guiding his gaze to mine. “I mean it. If you’ll have me, I’m yours. All of me. And if you don’t want this—I won’t hold you back.”

  “Of course I want this,” Raven said. “I want you. I’ve wanted you for almost as long as I can remember. I just—I’m still insecure.”

  “That’s my fault.”

  “It’s not.”

  “It is.”

  Raven laughed, the bright sound surprising me and making me grin. “It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to tell you, because it might be hard for me to accept love sometimes.” He paled slightly. “Or. You know. A relationship.”

  “You had it right the first time.”

  He blinked those deep blue eyes up at me. All it took was one look from Raven to drag these truths from me.

  “I love you,” I said.

  His breath caught. “I love you, too.” He dropped more kisses on my hips, nuzzling me affectionately.

  “I’m sure I’ll fuck up a lot,” I said. “But I’m not going anywhere. Not ever.”

  “Gunnar,” Raven murmured. “Let me blow you.”

  Raven’s low voice sparked desire deep inside me. I leaned back against the shower wall, the cool tile supporting me as my knees weakened under his touch.

  “You can do whatever you want with me,” I said.

  The grin he shot at me was mischievous and playful—a side of Raven I felt like I hadn’t seen since all this began. That smile felt like coming home.

  Raven hummed and kissed my abs, exploring the divots of the muscles with his tongue and teeth. His small, slim hands wrapped around my cock and began to jerk me off slowly and steadily, until I was fully hard. Then Raven ran his tongue up the length of my cock, sending a white-hot rush of pleasure through me.

  I groaned and wound both my hands into his wet hair. Raven slid one hand around to my ass and squeezed hard. With the other hand, he gripped my cock hard by its base and kissed the tip teasingly. I sucked in a breath. A bead of my precum caught on his lower lip and his pink tongue darted out to taste it.

  “You’ll be the fucking death of me.” My head knocked back against the tile. If I kept watching th
e show Raven was putting on, I’d come before he even got his mouth on me.

  “That’s not the idea,” Raven joked. Then, to my immense relief, he wrapped his lips around my cock and sucked hard.

  The pleasure was rich, immediate, and it washed away my anxieties far better than the hot shower. Raven sucked my cock down as far as he could, and then hummed in pleasure, the vibration of the sound a shocking sensation that made me gasp and grip his hair tightly.

  Then he began to move, slowly and steadily sucking me down, his hand jerking whatever he couldn’t fit in his mouth.

  Pleasure roared through me. And it was different this time. Different because I wasn’t plagued with thoughts of Raven leaving, or worse, me ruining him.

  This was the start of something, instead of the end.

  I tugged him off my cock and dragged him to his feet. The water was beginning to cool down. I kissed him hard on the mouth, licking the taste of myself from his mouth, and Raven moaned into the kiss.

  “Bed,” I demanded.

  We clambered out of the shower and I took a few delicious moments to towel Raven off, wiping the droplets of water from his pale, angular shoulders, the divots of his lower back, and his long, elegant legs. His dark hair wet and slicked back made his rich blue eyes stand out starkly. His cock hung heavy between his legs, but I didn’t touch it, not yet.

  “Go lie down,” I said. “Face down.”

  Raven grinned and kissed me, quick and happy, before darting out of the bathroom into my bedroom.

  I dried off and took a moment to gaze in the mirror.

  How did a beat-up old dog like me ever get so lucky? After everything I’d done, all the blood on my hands, all the mistakes and the fuckups… I still somehow, against all odds, found love. Just experiencing love from a distance would’ve been enough. It would’ve been enough to watch Raven grow and blossom and leave and find love with someone else. I’d been ready for that. I’d been more than happy to accept that as more than I deserved.