Heal With You (Trials of Fear Book 6)

by Nicky James

  The gentleman nodded. “Thank you.”

  Adrian fielded one last question before I was released to sit.

  “Thank you, Finnley. I’d like to invite one more person up to talk. Following his presentation, we will take a short fifteen-minute break to stretch our legs.”

  Adrian called Ireland up to the podium.

  “You did great,” Aven said, leaning against my side and talking low as Ireland headed up front.

  “It wasn’t too bad. A little daunting to be stared at by so many people, but it’s done now.”

  Aven rubbed my shoulder.

  “Any chance you want to duck out, pack up, head to the airport and try to get an early flight home?”

  Aven chuckled. “No. One more night. You can do it. You texted Bryn this morning. Everything is going fine. No signs of labor.”

  I sighed. “Okay. We could go shopping here in the city. Maybe find some cute clothes.”

  “I think we’ve bought up every sex-neutral outfit that has ever been made. We should wait until we know the sex.”

  “I guess. Scarlet might prefer a few pink outfits.”

  “And nameless boy Hollins-Woods might prefer some blue.”

  I groaned. “We really need a name.”

  “I know.”

  “Can we brainstorm more tonight? No stopping until we choose something.”

  Aven chuckled. “Deal. Even if it means breaking your nighttime routine.”

  I gave his leg a squeeze under the table.

  We hushed and both paid attention to Ireland up front. He’d already told his story about how his phobia had developed and was explaining some of the therapy practices he and Dr. Kelby had implemented including personal ones he and his fiancé had discovered as well.

  I had a lot of respect for that man. We all struggled in our own way. Some of us for longer than others, but he was a role model. He didn’t shy away from sharing his story, and in group, he’d taken a leadership role to ensure we all felt at ease.

  When I tried to imagine a life in his shoes, I couldn’t. Intimacy and touching were such important things between Aven and me. Modifying those activities or going without for long periods would be utterly crippling.

  Yet, Ireland powered through. Found ways. Was engaged to be married. He’d proven to us all that with enough willpower we could overcome our fears.

  “For me,” Ireland said, addressing the audience. “It’s about rewiring my brain. Instead of the ingrained messages telling me to react negatively whenever touch is initiated, I have to be constantly aware of rewriting those messages every time, reminding my head that touch does not equal danger. In order to do that, I still need a lot of awareness of when touch is happening. Surprising me or sneaking up on me with touch never ends well. I don’t get the chance to give my brain the right message. Then, it falls back on instinct, and I react poorly.

  “If I’m struggling, sometimes it’s impossible to get the right message through. My mind puts up a wall and prevents it. Then, I resort back to the step by step methods I’ve developed to bring me back up again. It can be aggravating and soul-crushing when a setback occurs, but I always come back a little bit stronger.”

  I threaded my fingers with Aven’s as we listened to Ireland close off the first half of the presentations. Adrian made a few comments following the question and answer part then dismissed us for a break. He informed us there was coffee, tea, and snacks available just outside of the room.

  The once silent room erupted into a murmur of voices as people chatted and found their way to the doors leading into the hallway. Professionals gathered together around tables and chatted about the seminar.

  I hoped we were making a difference.

  Aven and I followed the crowd, sticking close to our group from Dewhurst. There seemed to be an unspoken understanding that we all stick together. We shared common ground and found comfort in each other even if we didn’t know each other all that well.

  The rich scent of coffee filled the hallway and made my skin tingle. Inhaling deeply, I closed my eyes and let the aroma seep into my pores.

  I tugged my phone from my pocket and deflated seeing it was nearly four. Technically, I had a “no caffeine after three in the afternoon” rule. It was one of the strict ones too. The non-bendy ones that Aven ensured I upheld.

  “Water?” Aven asked, noticing my disappointment.

  “Sure.”

  “I’ll grab you one. Are you hungry?”

  “Um…” I glanced over people’s heads to the table of treats, not managing to see much of anything from where I stood. “Nah. I don’t want to spoil dinner.” A man shifted, creating a momentary clearing and offering me a view of a dessert tray. “Unless…”

  Aven chuckled and kissed my cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

  He slipped amid the crowd gathered in front of the food and drink tables and snagged two water bottles. Before he sneaked back over, he stole a cookie from one of the trays of desserts and balanced it between his teeth. I grinned as he approached.

  He handed me a bottle, took a hefty bite of the cookie in his mouth, then passed the rest off to me. “Oatmeal chocolate chip,” he said between chewing. “Your favorite.”

  I accepted the cookie and wiped crumbs from the corner of his mouth with my thumb. “Thank you. You know me so well.”

  “I do. It’s those pregnancy cravings.”

  We both laughed, and I took my phone out. Hanging the cookie from my mouth as Aven had, I snapped a selfie and sent it to Bryn with the message, I’m satisfying that cookie craving we keep having!

  Aven laughed and shook his head. “You’re a nut.”

  “But you love me.”

  I ate my cookie and sipped my water as we lingered near a wall. My phone pinged before we returned to the conference room and I checked it.

  Bryn: I’m so jealous right now!! Gimme, gimme!!

  Finnley: How are you feeling?

  It was probably the tenth time I’d asked her today. I was glad she hadn’t decided I was too insane to adopt her baby. She put up with my constant hounding better than I could have hoped.

  Bryn: Actually, I had a burst of energy today. I cleaned my apartment, did laundry, and walked to the store earlier.

  I frowned as Aven read over my shoulder.

  Finnley: Don’t overdo yourself. You’ll make your feet swell again. Do you want me to set up another massage for today?

  “It’s almost six there. You probably won’t be able to get her in. They’ll be closed,” Aven said.

  “Shit. I didn’t think of that.”

  Turned out Bryn said no. She said she was going to visit her mom for a bit and she’d message tomorrow.

  I pocketed my phone as Aven rubbed my back. “She’ll be okay. She knows what her body can and can’t do.”

  “I know. I’m glad she’s feeling energetic. She’s very pregnant, and I bet it’s exhausting most days.”

  Just before we headed back in, a male voice called my name from behind, and Aven and I both turned to find Ireland and his fiancé, Raven, approaching.

  “Did you guys have plans for dinner this evening?” Ireland asked.

  I met Aven’s gaze for a second before shaking my head. “Nope. We were probably just going to grab something here.”

  “I was going to see if everyone from group wanted to get together for dinner around six thirty. You guys interested? I’m taking a head count so I can give them a heads up.”

  “Sure.” I turned to Aven for confirmation, and he nodded. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

  “Perfect. Six thirty.”

  “See you then.”

  He and Raven wandered into the conference room, and we followed. Another handful of presentations and we could get ready for dinner. One more night and we could get home and be ready for the future.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Ireland

  I scanned our table as we approached, looking to see who all still needed an invitation for dinner. Adrian was hunche
d over Rory, talking, and he’d been a hard person to pin down since he was so busy assisting Erin in running the program.

  Just as I was about to move in and ask, Raven leaned close and whispered, “What about Krew? Did you ask him and Max?”

  I swung my head around, scanning the table where they’d been sitting earlier. It was empty. “Shit, no, I haven’t. Did they leave?”

  “Might have. Krew looked bored out of his skull, and I think Max was struggling to keep him from making a scene.”

  “Figures. Hang on, let me ask Adrian and Rory. Maybe Rory can get a hold of him.”

  Together, we approached Adrian just as he was about to walk away again.

  “Adrian!” I called, grabbing his attention. He spun and shifted his gaze between Raven and me.

  “Yes?” He radiated energy. His mind visibly spinning a million miles a minute.

  “I was trying to get everyone together for a group dinner at six thirty here at the restaurant. Are you and Rory interested?”

  Rory turned in his chair. He always seemed wary and uncertain in group situations. I knew he wasn’t all that social but he’d come a long way opening up. He was definitely not someone who trusted easily.

  “Sure,” Adrian said. “That’s a great idea. We can do that, right?” he asked Rory.

  Rory nodded giving Adrian a special smile I rarely saw, one I knew was reserved for Adrian alone.

  “Excellent. Rory, are you able to extend the invitation to Krew and Max? They are more than welcome to join us too, but I get the sense they aren’t coming back for the second half.”

  Rory chuckled and shook his head. “You’re asking for trouble.”

  “Don’t I know it. I’ll make sure I get a spot on the opposite end of the table.”

  “Won’t matter.”

  “Probably not.”

  “I’ll ask him. Give me a minute. Max took him upstairs.”

  “Great. Let me know. I’m making a reservation and need numbers.”

  Rory pulled out his phone and typed out a quick message.

  Raven and I found our seats a few down from Rory while Adrian took to the podium to get things moving along again.

  As Adrian introduced Elodie, Rory smothered a laugh and slid his phone over the table toward me.

  Krew: Tell Ireland I’d do anything for him. Tell him I’m about to get punished by a sexy silver fox for not behaving downstairs, but he’s welcome to be my knight in shining armor and rescue me. And by rescue, I mean join in all the naked fun. Tell him to bring Raven. OMG naked Raven and Ireland AND Max. I would die a happy man.

  Krew: P.S yes to dinner.

  Unsurprised by his dramatic response, I chuckled and slid Rory’s phone back toward him. “He can’t just say yes, can he?”

  “Have you met Krew?”

  I made a quick tally on my fingers while I scanned our table to see how many we had going to dinner so far. It was going to be a large group at this rate.

  “Did you ask everyone?” Raven whispered.

  “Mostly. Just four more people, I think. I should just assume they are all a yes and sneak out to make the reservation. Otherwise, by the time this finishes and I ask them, it will be getting too close to the dinner hour.”

  “Do you want me to sneak out? You should probably be here.”

  “Sure.” I gave Raven the tally, and he slipped from the table silently and went out the doors.

  The afternoon moved on. As we neared the end of the day, Arden took his turn at the podium, and I couldn’t help noticing the heavy cloud surrounding him. His eyes were shadowed, his face drawn, and his shoulders slumped like the world was pressing down on him too hard.

  Based on the pained expression on his face, I guessed he and Iggy hadn’t sorted things out.

  Iggy sat at the opposite side of the table from me, gaze steady on Arden but with the same distant look on his face I’d seen the day before. There was a noticeable strain between them they couldn’t hide.

  Keeping a half an eye on Iggy, I returned my focus to Arden while he spoke of his challenges.

  “Good afternoon. My name is Arden McMillan, and I have been struggling with cibophobia for almost seven years. That’s a fear of food. It was only recently I came forward about my fear and sought help, so this is all kind of new for me.”

  He shuffled and ducked his head, toying with the edge of the podium nervously as a flush rose to his cheeks. When he continued, he kept his head down, hiding his face.

  “Almost seven years ago, my twin sister and I ended up hospitalized with botulism, something we contracted after eating incorrectly processed canned goods my mother had purchased from the annual bazaar at our local church. Due to our weakened immune systems from being born prematurely, our bodies struggled to fight back. My sister died, and I barely survived. As a result, I developed an intense fear of food. I became hyper-aware of all the forms and causes of food poisoning and was convinced I might get sick again. That fear lived in the back of my mind every time I tried to eat—until I almost stopped eating altogether. Over the course of seven years, my options became less and less. I limited myself to only a handful of foods I considered to be safe. One by one, even those foods became harder to eat. Until I’d starved my body so badly, I nearly died of heart failure.”

  Arden shared more about his decline in health due to starvation. He explained about the shame he’d carried for many years and the fear of coming out and telling people the truth. He told about how a food phobia parallels anorexia in many ways and how it can be easily misdiagnosed. He admitted to hiding behind his misdiagnosis for many years because it felt like something he could better control than the truth.

  Of all of us present, Arden had experienced the harshest treatment from professionals, and his story was especially important for these doctors to hear. Arden had been judged wrongly by medical professionals and family who thought they knew what was best for him. Part of the blame was definitely on him because everyone had assumed he was anorexic, but it was still a good lesson for doctors to hear. People tended to hide their fears out of shame. He wasn’t the only one.

  Arden wrapped up his portion of the day fairly quickly, and Adrian helped him through a number of questions. There were more for him than there had been for anyone else.

  Immediately when he was finished, instead of returning to the table and sitting with the group, he beelined it for the doors and left. I watched his escape, a little shocked at its abruptness before whipping my head back around to glance over at Iggy.

  The man looked crushed, and everyone was flipping their gazes between him and the door where Arden had disappeared.

  Fuck.

  Iggy was too far away for me to console. I pulled out my phone as Iggy’s poor heart broke in front of everyone. Fingers flying over the keyboard, I sent him a simple text, hoping he’d notice since his phone was on the table in front of him.

  Ireland: Go after him.

  Iggy didn’t acknowledge the incoming text. Maybe he had his phone completely silenced, or he was simply too shocked to register the way it lit up briefly. I leaned across the table and hissed his name to draw his attention, hoping I didn’t disturb Adrian at the podium as he introduced the next person.

  Iggy’s gaze slipped from the door to my face. I waved my phone at him and nodded to his sitting face down on the table. He understood and read my text.

  Instead of jumping up, he typed back.

  Iggy: He keeps shutting me down. He hasn’t let me get it out.

  Ireland: Then you make him listen. Right now before this goes further. You can’t let him keep thinking you don’t love him. Go!

  Iggy drummed his fingers on the table as he read and re-read my message. He closed his eyes and blew out a long slow breath before nodding, pocketing his phone, and slipping away as silently as possible.

  Good man.

  No relationship was perfect, but without solid communication, they’d never survive.

  I shot him off a final text.


  Ireland: Keep me posted. Good luck.

  Raven leaned closer when I pocketed my phone again. “Trouble in paradise?”

  “Seems to be. Miscommunication that should have been resolved yesterday.”

  “They’re a cute couple. I hope they work it out.”

  “Me too.”

  The presentations came to an end, and Erin took front and center once again. “I’d just like to thank each and every one of our presenters today. It wasn’t easy coming here, sharing some of the most intimate details about our lives with complete strangers, making ourselves vulnerable, and keeping smiles on our faces the whole time.”

  The audience applauded, showing their respect. Erin went into some depth about how each of our separate phobias originated and explained about some further discussions she had planned for the following day. She asked people to refer to their conference package and reminded everyone of the events starting in the morning. Events our group didn’t need to be part of.

  Dr. Mann added a few words, and day one was officially brought to an end. We were encouraged to stick around and mingle in case there were lingering questions that didn’t get asked. Thankfully, the room cleared out about twenty minutes later, and Raven and I escaped to our room.

  “That wasn’t so bad,” Raven remarked once the door closed behind us.

  “Nah, it went well. I’m sure Erin is happy.”

  “Did you invite her to dinner? Was she included in those numbers?”

  “I invited her, but she declined. She thought it best she not intrude on our social event and allowed us all to remain relaxed. Not everyone is as close to Erin as me. She’s just their therapist, and it might be awkward for some of the others to have her at dinner.”

  “I guess I can see that.”

  I collapsed on our bed and stretched out on my back with a groan. We had a little over a half an hour until dinner which was enough time to change into something a little more casual.