Heal With You (Trials of Fear Book 6)

by Nicky James

  Finally.

  We left Arden and Iggy to sort out their own flights and ran to the security check line. Before long, we were at our gate, out of breath, and buzzing with an overwhelming flood of adrenaline.

  Aven encouraged me to sit, and we clung to each other’s hands, crushing and squeezing so tightly like we both feared falling apart if we didn’t have someone to hold onto.

  “Should we pick a name?” I said, more to distract my racing thoughts than anything.

  Somehow I knew we’d never decide on anything in this state. We’d had multiple calm months to think and had come up empty.

  “Sure.”

  Aven pulled up the baby name app on his phone and handed it over. “Let’s just go through the list alphabetically. Anything that is a maybe, write it onto the notepad. It’s on the main screen.”

  “Okay.” I started at the top, listing A names, then B, then C and so on.

  By the time our boarding call came, we’d made it to F with nothing saved as a possible choice.

  Our seats were far apart, so we agreed to keep looking on our own and regroup once we got home.

  Aven kissed me deeply and clung a little longer. He pulled back and held my face between his hands. “I love you so much, Finn. I can’t believe this day is here.”

  “I love you, too,” I told him, kissing him one last time. “Let’s do this. Our baby is waiting for Dad and Daddy.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Ireland

  We were one of the last few people from our group to leave the restaurant. As we crossed the lobby, we were in time to witness a frantic escape of two couples. Arden and Iggy, Aven and Finn. I gathered from what I overheard in their mad dash out the front doors that the expected baby was on its way, and the two couples were heading to the airport to go home.

  Raven and I watched them flee the hotel, luggage dragging behind them as a cab pulled up. Warmth coated my insides, and I smiled. “They’re amazing people,” I said to Raven. “I’m really happy for them.”

  Raven’s shoulder brushed mine intentionally as he came up beside me and followed my gaze. “They really are. Hope they sort out their name dilemma. They’re almost out of time.”

  I chuckled. “They’ll figure it out.”

  The cab pulled away, and Raven and I remained, peering out the window into the dark night. In that moment, the future stared back at me in stark colors, and for the first time in my life, I wondered…

  “Ever thought of having kids?” Raven asked, reading my mind.

  My breathing hitched and I reached for his hand, needing the connection more than ever before. I sensed Raven’s gaze on me but couldn’t meet his eyes, instead, I stared into a possible future.

  “Yeah, sometimes,” I croaked. “I just… never thought I could, you know? I never wanted to deprive a child of touch, and I didn’t think there would ever be a day I’d be well enough to honestly consider it as a possibility.”

  I turned to face Raven and studied the serious look in his silver-blue eyes. “You’d be a great father,” he said. “You are self-aware, and I know you’d do the best you could every day. You’re at the best you’ve ever been.”

  “I know, but what if I slip? What if I couldn’t give a child the hug they needed because I was having a bad week or a bad month, or God forbid, a bad year?”

  “Then that child would understand just like I do. And I’d be there to give extra hugs in your place until you were able again.”

  “You sound like you’ve thought about this?”

  Raven ducked his head, and a soft laugh rose between us as color highlighted his cheeks. “A bit. I don’t just want to marry you, you know. I want to build a whole life with you including a family someday.”

  I studied the raw honesty in his eyes, felt the waves of love wafting off him and rolling over me. I connected with the gentle touch we shared as we stood hand in hand, and I knew I wanted all that too.

  Someday. When we were ready.

  But tonight, I needed and wanted something a little different.

  I squeezed Raven’s hand and gave a tug. “Come on. Let’s go to our room.”

  Heat simmered in his eyes like he knew or sensed what might be coming. I wanted the whole world with Raven.

  Marriage.

  Kids.

  Everything.

  As the elevator climbed to our floor my tension sky-rocketed. I didn’t exactly have a plan, just an ambition. Raven read my body language, and when the door to our room clicked closed, he turned to me with questions in his eyes.

  “You okay?”

  I dropped his hand and faced him, sweat prickling up my spine and dampening my armpits. My whole ordeal with touch was like living with a swarm of bees just under the surface of my skin. They were always there, fluttering their wings and reminding me of their presence, but when my anxiety rose, the bees stung. When I was in a bad place, the pain inside from their attack was unbearable.

  Their wings fluttered a little harder as Raven peered back at me, waiting for an answer.

  “Well, actually, there is something I’ve been thinking.”

  He waited, and I blew out a breath. Actions spoke louder than words. I was ready for this and just needed to prove it. To Raven and to myself.

  The bees inside might be active but they wouldn’t sting me. Not when it was Raven I faced.

  Pushing down all my trepidation, I advanced, clasping his waist and tugging him against me, body flush to body.

  Raven’s brow hitched.

  But I didn’t give him a second to speak. I took his face and kissed him with bruising force, delving deep into his mouth with my tongue and closing my eyes so I could take it all in.

  Raven moaned and rested his hands cautiously on my upper arms. Always mindful of our space and never smothering me or making me feel trapped.

  Never touching more than I could handle.

  I tugged his shirt free and launched it somewhere into the room. Taking my lead, he sent mine flying too. “Ireland,” he mumbled into our kiss. What’s—”

  “I want you to fuck me,” I blurted before he could finish.

  He pulled off my mouth and frowned, his lips tinged red from the abuse I’d given them. “What? But you know we don’t—”

  “I want to. I’ve wanted to for a long time. I’m in a good place. I have been for a year. This…” I stroked my hands up and down his bare chest, touching, feeling, absorbing. “Isn’t bothering me. It’s important to me. Please.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yes.”

  He hesitated. This man knew me so well, and it would crush him if his actions did me harm. “If for one minute this isn’t okay—”

  “Then I will tell you, and we’ll stop. I promise.”

  Raven nodded, licking his bottom lip and zeroing in on mine. I could read the impulse in him to take over, to throw me onto the bed and do what I knew he’d always denied himself. I wished I could let him have that sort of control, but I couldn’t go that far. The bees pricked me a few times at the thought.

  Not yet. Not today.

  One step at a time.

  “Let me lead,” I said. I took his hand and pulled him toward the bed.

  We’d been plenty close over the past year, and our sex life wasn’t lacking, but this was more. I guided him to lie down on his back and worked his pants free, leaving him in only his underwear. Tight black boxer briefs I loved on him. They didn’t hide his arousal and my mouth watered seeing it.

  Before joining him on the bed, I relieved myself of my own pants—keeping my own boxer briefs in place—and searched for the lube I’d packed in my bag. I’d brought condoms too with this moment in mind—in case Raven wanted to use them.

  We’d both been tested long ago, but the conversation of how we’d proceed hadn’t been addressed because we hadn’t gone there yet.

  I pulled one out and turned to Raven, holding it up without saying a thing. All it took was a brisk shake of his head for me to drop the condo
m back in my bag and join him on the bed.

  I balanced overtop of him, not touching anywhere, and stared deep into his eyes. “I’m going to ride you. Staying on top where I can be in control. Touch me all you want, just don’t let me feel suffocated. Let me stay on top, okay? At least this time.”

  He nodded and lifted his hands, drawing them up my thighs and around to my back. “Got it.”

  I fell hard onto his mouth, kissing him and tasting him, still keeping our bodies apart while I calmed all the jittery bees.

  Raven’s hands climbed up my spine before tracing a line back down and dipping below the band of my underwear. He cupped my ass and gently guided me lower. I went. Slowly. Brushing our lower halves, straining erection against straining erection.

  My breaths came in fits and starts but I held onto control. We’d done this plenty. It wasn’t new. It was simply the knowledge of what was to come that was making me agitated.

  Rocking, building friction, I kept kissing, letting Raven rid me of my underwear before he took care of his own. Bare skin to bare skin, we continued frotting together, building the pleasure between us.

  When I’d calmed with that amount of touching, I pressed the lube bottle into Raven’s palm, silently telling him I was ready for more.

  I could prep myself—it would be easier—or I could trust Raven to do it for me.

  The snap of the lid hit my ears, and I involuntarily tensed. The bees flapped their wings with more aggression. Raven sensed it and broke from my mouth, studying my face. “You’ll stop me if you aren’t good, right? I can’t do this if you aren’t one hundred percent honest with me.”

  “I’ll stop you. I might get nervous, and my mind might try to fight me, but Raven, I need this, and I want it.” I paused then added, “I’ve also never done this before. Bottomed. Considered it plenty, but never trusted anyone enough, so it’s a first.”

  Raven stroked a feather-light touch along my jaw. “Do you trust me?”

  “With my life.”

  He didn’t kiss me again. I knew Raven needed to watch my reaction and note any and all signs that I wasn’t okay. He coated some fingers on one hand and the palm of his other. I knelt above him, peering down as he stroked me, his other hand disappearing between my legs.

  I closed my eyes and zoned in on the pleasured sensation, pushing all residual anxiety to the background. A wet finger circled my entrance, and a minute later, there was pressure. I dropped my hands to Raven’s chest and held myself there as he breached me.

  I was tense. Too tense, and the finger wasn’t comfortable at all. I sucked in an involuntary harsh breath, and Raven withdrew. I popped my eyes open.

  “You have to relax. I can tell you, this will never happen if you can’t.”

  “I know.” I blew out a frustrated breath.

  “Come here,” he said. “Kiss me again.”

  I lowered myself and claimed Raven’s mouth, letting our tongues glide together. He returned his hand to my backside and instead of entering me again, he massaged the muscle around it as I relaxed into the connection.

  When he applied pressure the next time, it was less painful, and I groaned into the kiss.

  “That’s it. Fuck, Ireland, you’re so fucking hot inside. So tight. I’ll lose my mind when I get inside you. I know it.”

  Braced on one arm, we kissed, bodies still a few inches apart while Raven kept stretching me. One finger became two, and two suddenly hit my prostate which caused my arm to give out. I collapsed onto his chest as a string of moans and curses left my mouth.

  “Ah, fuck. Holy… So. Good.”

  “Are you ready?” Raven rasped against my ear.

  I hitched myself back up on one arm, stroking myself a few times since Raven had faltered. I closed my eyes and settled the bees. When I opened them again, I nodded. Raven removed his fingers and lubed himself up.

  “This is all on you,” he said.

  All on me.

  All I had to do was join us, connect us in the most intimate way possible. Accept Raven inside my body. The deepest, purest touch there was.

  I re-evaluated my state of mind one last time.

  All was clear. The flutter was manageable.

  And nothing had felt more right.

  Fear lingered somewhere in the background, but it didn’t break through.

  I shifted back until I felt Raven’s length nudge my opening. My thighs hugged his as I lowered against him, pressing his tip inside. A sting of pain stilled me, but I breathed through it, calming my head again and moving forward.

  Inch by inch, I lowered myself onto Raven. The arm bracing me trembled. Sweat beaded on my forehead. I bit hard into my bottom lip, but I wouldn’t let myself stop.

  My poor heart slammed and slammed, bruising my ribs.

  Raven closed his eyes and tipped his head back as I sank down further, taking him inside me. The long stretch of his neck called to me, and I bent, kissing, licking, and sucking at all that exposed skin.

  Once I was fully seated, Raven stilled me with a hand on either one of my hips. “Give me a sec.”

  We touched in two places—three—my thighs against his sides, his hands on my waist, and his length deep inside me.

  We didn’t move. We breathed there, neither of us saying a word as we absorbed the moment and the closeness.

  Without waiting for too long, I slowly began rocking my hips, dragging Raven’s length in and out of my body and shuddering each time his head dragged across my prostate. It was so much sensation all at once I didn’t know where to put myself.

  It electrified my blood and sent waves of pleasure all through me.

  Raven pulled me into a kiss. It was soft, sensual, and unrushed. Before I knew it, I was lying on top of him completely, our bodies crushed, swaying and rocking, our mouths joined. No space separated us. My body hummed and sang, loving and yearning for all these good feelings. And that was what it was. Good. All Good.

  I swam in every impression Raven left on my body. Aware of him and me and us. It was perfection. Bliss.

  Everything I’d been wanting and needing.

  We swam in that pool of warmth for a long time, moving slowly, absorbed in one another, in no hurry to end this moment that had been a long time coming.

  It wasn’t until we were both vibrating and unable to catch our breaths that things changed. Desperation and a need for release took over. Our rhythm increased. Every thrust Raven made up into my body became more determined. Goal oriented.

  We both set our focus on the finish line which was slowly encroaching on our sweet lovemaking.

  “Raven,” I panted, mouth falling open against his sweat glistening shoulder as I struggled to find words.

  “I’m close… touch yourself. Come with me,” he panted.

  I propped my body higher, moving steadily with Raven. Eyes pinched as the burning, growing need coated every inch of my body, centering in my core.

  I stroked myself in time with our movements. Raven planted his feet when I couldn’t coordinate my body any longer, and he took over, driving himself deeper, gripping my sides with such force he was bound to leave bruises.

  “Ireland…” he ground between a clenched jaw.

  “Almost.”

  “I can’t… I’m… Fuuuuuckk!”

  He rammed his hips up high one last time, and I felt his release deep inside. I was only a few beats behind. Stroking frantically. When my orgasm hit, I shot so hard a few pulses of release hit Raven’s chin.

  I groaned through each wave, trembling. Then I collapsed.

  Raven’s arms surrounded me, and he kissed my temple as he stroked my back. “I never… shit… that was…”

  “Fantastic?”

  “Yeah.”

  I lay in his arms until the sedate feelings of post orgasm faded. Then all those angry bees I’d been hushing were harder to fight. Reluctantly, I rolled off Raven, separating us completely, and we lay side by side. I performed a mental scan of how I felt and was relieved to be in contro
l. I still didn’t reach for him.

  Raven knew. He understood where my head was at and that it needed another minute to straighten out.

  “You okay,” he asked.

  “Yeah. My skin is buzzing a bit, but it will pass.”

  Raven tentatively reached for my hand. I let him, and we laced our fingers together. He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “We should shower.”

  “And sleep. I’m fucking exhausted now.”

  We shared a laugh but remained exactly where we were. It was too huge of a moment to let it slip away too soon and we both knew it.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Arden

  No seats opened up on the flight Aven and Finn took back to Toronto. Iggy booked us for a flight early the following morning, but we spent the whole night pacing in the airport with few updates.

  Phoenix was at the hospital too with his wife, Carrie, and he was my best source of information.

  Aven and Finn just landed. They have a three-hour drive but I think they’ll make it, Phoenix’s text said at two in the morning.

  The last we’d heard, Bryn was five centimeters dilated and progressing slowly.

  I flopped on the uncomfortable seat next to Iggy at our gate and shared the latest update.

  “I’m glad they’re going to make it,” he said, looping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. I cuddled up beside him, absorbing his warmth.

  “Yeah, but we won’t at this rate. By the time we board and get home and drive back to Dewhurst, the baby will be whisked away and we’ll have missed it all.”

  “Do you honestly believe Aven and Finn will deny letting you see that baby?”

  “No.” I sulked, knowing the truth. “But I wish we were there.”

  Bryn and the guys had agreed on an open adoption—with limitations. Bryn would be welcome to updates Finn and Aven chose to share, and she could have some visits with the couple if it didn’t prove too difficult for her. She wouldn’t have any legal rights to the baby otherwise once the final papers were signed.

  Aven and Finn were selfless and loving men. I knew they would at least let me see the baby if we got there too late. I just really wanted to be there for Bryn. For nine months, I’d been by her side. I was the first person she’d told, and the first person she’d called when she needed to share updates—after the fathers, of course.