The 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Make: A Guide for Teens
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* To take this checkup or lots of other cool quizzes online, go to www.6decisions.com.
When l was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant l could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when l got to be twenty-one, l was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
—Mark Twain, author
During my first year of college, I began playing quarterback for our junior varsity team. The previous week, my team had just come off a big win. I threw lots of touchdown passes, and people were nice to me after the game.
The next week we played one of the best teams in the nation at our home field. Of course, I wanted to play well in front of my home crowd. Plus, my dad flew back from somewhere just to watch me play. I didn’t think he would make it, but there he was, just before the whistle blew.
I had the worst game of my life. Their star defensive lineman repeatedly slammed me into the turf. I remember thinking, Could things get any worse? And they did. I made lots of stupid mistakes, threw a bunch of interceptions, and got physically beat up. We lost by about 30 points.
After the game, I was embarrassed and wanted to hide. You know how it goes after you lose badly and play poorly? In the locker room, everybody avoids you in case you’re contagious. I showered and dressed in silence. When I came out, my dad was waiting for me. He took me in his arms, hugged me, looked me right in the eyes, and said, “That’s the best game I’ve ever seen you play. Not because you won or had great stats, but because you were tougher than nails today. You were getting killed out there and you kept getting up. I’ve never been so proud of you.”
I was shocked. I’d just played the worst game of my life and he had never been so proud? I didn’t think that anyone could say anything to make me feel better, but he did. Instead of reminding me of all my mistakes, he focused on the one thing I did well: I kept getting back up. His affirming words sort of put everything into perspective. The world wasn’t coming to an end. Life would go on.
I was lucky to have a great dad growing up. A great mom, too. Even though they embarrassed me a lot, they also really cared. And although I was convinced they came from another planet at times, mostly they were pretty cool. Just ask my friends.
I hope you’re as lucky. I hope you have a great mom, or a great dad, or both. If you’re not living with your own mom or dad, I hope you’re being raised by a great uncle, grandmother, stepdad, or whatever. The good news is, even though they have problems and don’t look as hot as they once did, most moms and dads really love their kids and would do anything for them.
This brings us to our third fork-in-the-road decision: parents.
What are you going to do about your relationship with your parents? Why is this one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make? Because, like it or not, your parents are going to be a part of your life for a very long time. Ten years from now, your friends won’t be around. You think they will be but they won’t. You’ll go your separate ways. Not so with your parents.
You’ll probably live with one or both of them until you’re 18 or 19, and then, depending upon the nature of your relationship, they will either be a great source of support or a real pain in the rear for the next several decades. They’ll be around for all kinds of things, like graduations and marriages, births and deaths, ups and downs. Can you begin to see why your relationship with Mom and Dad is so huge?
Throughout this chapter, I use the word parents only for convenience. I realize there are all kinds of families. You may be being raised by your mom and your dad, just your mom, just your dad, an aunt or uncle, your mom and a stepdad, a grandmother, a guardian, a couple of aliens, or whatever. So, whenever you see the word parents, or mom, or dad, substitute the right word for your own situation. It doesn’t take blood to be family, it only takes love.
So, what road will it be? You can choose the high road by building good relationships, working through problems, and showing love and respect. Or, you can take the low road by giving up on relationships, fighting or sulking each time you have a disagreement, and showing no respect.
PARENTS CHECKUP!
Before moving on, try this quick checkup to see where you stand on this parent thing.
CIRCLE YOUR CHOICE
NO WAY
HECK YES!
1.
I have a good relationship with my parents.
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2.
I show my parents respect.
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3.
My parents trust me.
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4.
I frequently help out my parents without being asked.
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5.
I know a lot about my parents, such as their likes, dislikes, dreams, values, and what makes them tick.
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6.
My parents know a lot about me, such as my likes, dislikes, dreams, values, and what makes me tick.
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7.
My parents and I communicate well with each other.
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8.
We are pretty good at solving problems or conflicts.
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9.
If and when we do fight or argue, my parents and I make up pretty quickly.
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10.
I can honestly say that I love my parents.
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TOTAL
Add up your score and see how you think you’re doing.
You’re on the high road. Keep it up!
You’re straddling the high and low roads. Move to higher ground!
You’re on the low road. Pay special attention to this chapter.
This chapter is divided into four sections. The first section is called The Relationship Bank Account. Like the RBA for your friends, this is a nifty way to build better relationships with Mom and Dad. In You’re So Annoying, we’ll discuss how to cope with those things your parents do that annoy and upset you. Closing the Gap will explore ways to close the communication gap with your parents, even though they seem to speak Martian and you speak something human. I realize that some of you may have parents who are not coping with life, addicted to drugs, or abusive. That is a totally different type of situation, which needs special treatment. The last section, When You Have to Raise Your Parents, is written especially for teens with these challenges.
The Relationship Bank Account
Growing up, what pushed my mom’s hot button was when I’d forget to take out the garbage. Too often, on Friday mornings, I’d hear Mom screaming: “Sean, get your rear end out of bed! I can hear the garbage truck coming and you forgot the garbage—again!” Eventually, she resorted to posting reminder notes on everything—the door, the fridge, the vanity, my pillow. “SEAN. DO THE GARBAGE OR DIE!”
I also learned ways to get on Mom’s good side. Mom just loved it when I’d get good grades. She’d stick my report card up on the walls for all her friends to see and would brag, brag, brag. She also loved it when I’d help do the dishes or carry the groceries in. That’s how I made up for all those missed garbage runs and kept our relationship in the plus column.
In the previous chapter on friends,
we spoke about the Relationship Bank Account (RBA), which represents the amount of trust you have in a relationship. When it comes to your parents, how’s your RBA? If $1,000 represents a strong relationship with your parents, how much do you have deposited? Is there really $1,000 in the bank or is it more like $500? Perhaps you’re down around $0 or are overdrawn at -$1,000. Whatever your situation, the formula is the same: You build a relationship a deposit at a time.
Here are five deposits that seem to work well with parents. Of course, with every deposit, there’s an opposing withdrawal.
DEPOSITS
WITHDRAWALS
+ Understand what’s important to them
- Assume you know
+ Tell the truth
- Lie and cover up
+ Sense the need and do it
- Wait until you’re told
+ Remember the little things
- Forget the little things
+ Open up
- Close yourself off
+ Use the most important words
- Avoid the most important words
UNDERSTAND WHAT’S IMPORTANT TO THEM
Never assume that a deposit for you is also a deposit for your parents. When you’re with your friends, you might consider it a deposit if your parents leave you alone. However, when your parents are with their friends, they might consider it a deposit if you were to hang around and talk. You see, your parents use a different kind of cash than you do. I asked several parents the question: “What is the biggest deposit your teen could make into your RBA?” Listen carefully to what they said.
• “Reading a book.”
• “Keeping his room clean enough so that I can at least open the door to it.”
• “The biggest deposit my daughter could make would be to be kind to her brothers and sisters.”
• “I went into my daughter’s room to say hi to her friends and to chat a minute. When I was leaving, she and her friends said, ‘Stay and talk to us.’ What a deposit that was!”
• “Our daughter attended a meeting where students were encouraged to forgive their parents for all the mistakes they had made. She told me that she felt I couldn’t have done anything better. Wow!”
• “Doing their chores everyday without being asked.”
• “Doing anything without being asked.”
This is good stuff, and you could score a lot of points with Mom and Dad by trying out some of these cash deposits.
TELL THE TRUTH
Nothing destroys trust faster with your parents than lying. It’s a huge withdrawal, and it takes months or even years to earn trust back. As one teen put it, “Be honest. Although the truth may be hard, it’s ten times harder for your parents to find out that you lied.”
Here’s the thing—They’re going to find out eventually. Parents have this amazing lie-detecting capability and they can sniff out cover-ups. So, be straight up with them because honesty never goes out of style.
Janna’s story is a good illustration.
When I was 13 years old, I met Alfonso, who was 17. We thought we were in love. My parents, on the other hand, didn’t want me to date until I was 16, especially an older guy. That’s when the fights began.
One Friday night, I really wanted to be with Alfonso, so I made up a lie that I was going to a girlfriend’s house and went to see him. It only took my parents about an hour to figure this out and I was busted. I was never to speak to Alfonso again and I was grounded for two weeks with no phone privileges. I was so mad!
This cycle of sneaking around and my parents catching me went on for years. It was hard because I loved my parents and all I wanted was for them to just realize that he wasn’t a bad guy and to let me be with him. Alfonso and I stayed together, even though my relationship with my parents was horrible. They didn’t trust me and I didn’t even want to look at them.
When I turned 16, I was so happy because I could date Alfonso whenever I wanted. We dated for about six months. Then I realized that I was missing out on so much and just wanted to be a teenager. He was older and in college and I was not ready for that yet. I decided I needed to break up with Alfonso and apologize to my parents.
The situation was not easy to fix. I had lied to them for so long that they had zero trust in me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I knew that it was going to take time. I did everything that I could possibly do. I cleaned the house, took care of my sisters, and most of all told the truth about everything.
Eventually they decided that I was sincere and they began to open up to me again. I knew that they always loved me, but I needed to show that love in return. I now know that they knew a little bit more about life than I did.
SENSE THE NEED AND DO IT
Do the dishes need to be done? Does your little sister need a ride home? Does your mom need a break? If so, don’t wait to be asked—sense the need and do it.
“My parents have never really expected a lot out of me,” said 13-year-old Ryan. “I mean, I do my homework and some things at home, but that’s about it. Once when my mom was really tired after dinner, I offered to clean up the kitchen for her. She almost died. It made me really happy to see her relax a little.”
If you have a younger brother or sister, one of the greatest needs of parents is for you to be friends with your sibling(s) and help raise them. I remember when my younger brother Joshua was starting high school and how worried my dad was about him. He’d gone to a different middle school and hardly knew anyone. He was skinny and awkward. I sensed the need and I tried to be there for Joshua. I even helped coach his freshman football team. I’ll never forget how grateful my dad was for my efforts. Ka-ching!
I was talking to a 16-year-old named Destin, and, when I asked him about his mom, his eyes lit up. “My mom? I would turn the world for my mom. I love her. Sometimes we bump heads. But we make up.”
He told me his mom had just divorced and was overwhelmed. He was really worried about her. He figured the best thing he could do was to help her out with his seven-year-old brother and nine-year-old sister.
“Right now,” said Destin, “I’m basically what you could call the man of the house. I try to help keep everything level, so Mom isn’t stressed or upset all the time. After school, I pick up my sister and brother and I take them home, make sure they do their homework, eat, then have time to play and do stuff like that. If she needs me, I’ll run errands or just basically do anything I can for her.”
REMEMBER THE LITTLE THINGS
When it comes to relationships, the little things are the big things. What are the little things? A kind word. A warm smile. A thank-you note. Gabby told me this story:
Although my relationship with my mom isn’t horrible, it still had damage. I decided I should write my mom a letter and tell her how much she truly meant to me. I slipped the note in her car and went on with my day. I can’t say I gave it much more thought. To my surprise, when I got home my mom was waiting at the door and gave me a hug. She told me that was the best gift she had ever received from me—just a simple thanks and recognition for all she does.
This reminds me of the time I gave my mom a special gift for Mother’s Day. Instead of buying her the usual bottle of perfume that she’d always pretend to appreciate (“Oh, Sean. Perfume…again! How splendid!”), I wrote a poem about what a great mom she was called “A Boy and His Mother.” She told me it was the best gift I’d ever given her and even hung it on her “wall of fame.”
OPEN UP
Does this sound familiar? If so, you’re normal. Sometimes you just don’t feel like talking, especially when it feels like an interrogation. However, to everything there is a season—a time to clam up and a time to open up. The fact is, you’ll never get close to your parents unless you share what’s going on in that head of yours.
Teens often find it hard to say, “Mom, Dad, what do you think I should do?” But it’s smart because your parents may not always be cool, but they’re usually wise. You know more about fashion and trends but th
ey know more about love and happiness. They’re especially good at helping you cope with betrayals, resolve boyfriend and girlfriend dramas, and feel better when you’ve had a horrible day.
I once had an old friend of the family tell me: “Sean, if you will talk to your parents about all your important decisions, you will never make a major mistake.” His advice was so unusual that I’ve never forgotten it and tried to follow it.
But what if you want to open up to your parents but you’re afraid of the outcome? You’re scared they might get angry or disappointed, and say things like “You did what?!” or “What a stupid idea!” Here’s a method that works almost every time. Start by saying something like, “Mom, I really want to talk to you about something but I’m afraid you’ll get mad if I tell you.”
“Oh, no, I won’t get mad,” your mom might say.
“Yes, you will. You always get mad and then I regret saying anything.”
“I swear, honey. I won’t jump down your throat. Just tell me what’s going on.” By this point, her curiosity will be so strong she’ll be dying to know what’s up.
“Well, okay. But you’ve got to promise to listen and not get upset.”
This approach will prepare them for what you’re about to say. As a result, they’ll probably listen better and be more careful about their response.
USE the Most Important Words
When it comes to getting along with your parents, the single most important word is please. The two most important words are thank you. The three most important words are I love you. The four most important words are How can I help? There is power and magic in each.