Losing Love (What Will Be Book Series)

by Laura Ashley Gallagher

  Sitting in our usual spot in the middle row, I scribbled aimlessly on my notepad as our professor, Teresa Morgan, entered the large hall. The lecture theatre was full of close to two hundred pupils and she still found me. When her gaze landed on me, she halted at the door, like an invisible barrier prevented her from walking inside. It would seem I had that effect on people.

  I’d only attended two weeks of college since the term started in August. It was the end of September now, and somehow, the entire campus knew who I was. I was the girlfriend of the guy who was almost killed by a drunk driver.

  Teresa continued her walk to her desk, and her inexperienced eyes sagged with sadness.

  Breathe.

  Frustration bubbled all the way to my fingertips.

  She had been my lecturer since starting college a year ago. She was great, and I liked her instantly. But she was looking at me through half-lidded eyes, and I didn’t want to snap at her. She was in her early thirties at most, with rainbow hair and a smart suit. She was a complete contradiction, and I loved it. But she looked at me like I was the older one. Somehow, my experience over the last weeks had brought me maturity. Or maybe the bags under my eyes made me appear older.

  I gritted my teeth and reminded myself to purchase eye cream.

  “Good morning,” Teresa began with a shaky voice, all the while keeping her eyes on me. Her lips moved in slow motion. Something about a chapter on child psychology in our textbooks. Garry nudged me, prompting me to follow. And I did, opening the book like it weighed a tonne.

  Everything felt too normal, and it was suffocating. The world kept spinning while I was stuck somewhere in the middle, unable to find the right time to jump off and join everyone else. I wanted to. I think I did. But I couldn’t jump off without Nick, and I refused to leave him behind because he was my world. Since the first time he nervously moved in to kiss me when I was fourteen, I was his, and he was mine.

  Darting my eyes between my books and the grains of wood on my table, I sensed our lecturer’s concerned look penetrate me.

  Please, go away.

  I heard her ramblings, but only as muffled sounds. My ears zoned in and out, but nothing went through.

  “Mandy? Honey, are you okay?” She was close to me. Too close. I shivered, feeling her whisper blow through my hair.

  When I dragged my eyes away from the table to see Teresa standing over me, her back was slightly hunched, trying to hide our conversation. It didn’t matter. The entire class was looking our way.

  “Of course,” I answered quickly, fumbling to pick up my pen. “I’m taking notes now.”

  “You don’t have to. Sit and rest.”

  I understood the place she was coming from, but I didn’t want or need her pity. Maybe Teresa wanted to support me the only way she knew how, but I didn’t want it. I didn’t want anything from anyone.

  I wanted Nick here.

  I wanted him back.

  Garry must have noticed my unease, and he gripped my hand on my lap. I pulled away sharply. Not even his touch could calm me.

  “I appreciate your support, but I don’t need it.” I raised my voice slightly and watched as bodies shifted in their seats.

  They could look. I didn’t care anymore.

  “We know, Mandy. We know it’s hard,” Teresa added, tilting her head.

  Sweet Christ. I didn’t bring a puppy.

  My chest was going to cave in, squeezing what air I had in my lungs. I stood and spread my palms against the long desk.

  “No, I really don’t think you know how it feels. With all due respect, do you know how it feels to sit by a hospital bed and watch the person you love wither away before your eyes?” My voice was getting louder.

  I tried to check myself, but it was too late. Emotions were boiling over.

  I turned, facing those sitting behind me so they could get an excellent view of this breakdown, too. “Don’t you dare look at me as if you know what I am going through: as if my life is falling apart. And yes, maybe it is, but it’s not for any of you to tell me, and I don’t need you to remind me.” Hot tears burned the corners of my eyes, threatening to spill over. “I can’t handle any of you looking at me like this. He’s not dead,” I shouted, hardly recognizing my own voice. I didn’t expect the loud gasp that escaped me with the realization of my words. I’d never been so blunt about the accident.

  I almost lost him.

  Fear stiffened my body, every limb becoming rigid. My breathing quickened, and the room began to spin. My incoherent mumbles became muffled as sobs burst through my shoulders. I only noticed my hands trembling when I placed them over my mouth.

  “Sit down, Mandy. You’re going to faint.” Garry pushed me down onto the chair. I obeyed without protest.

  The speaker on the wall crackled to life and the secretary’s voice boomed. “Can Mandy Parker come to the reception in the Main Hall?”

  I stared at the brown box on the wall. The words slowly registered.

  Me?

  I’m Mandy Parker.

  Shit.

  “Mandy?” Garry cupped my face in his hands, his warmth bringing me back. “Do you want me to go with you?”

  I shook my head, my mind on autopilot. Then, as if I’d become robotic, I stood on shaky legs. Without saying another word, I walked down the steps of the hall and out the door.

  What the hell did they need me for?

  My pace quickened as my heart thumped heavy beats against my chest.

  I almost passed the office when I saw Matt through the corner of my eye and all feeling dropped to the pit of my stomach.

  “Matt, what are you doing…” I trailed off, knowing exactly why he was there. “Oh, God.” I held my shaking hand to my mouth.

  “I was in the area and it was faster if I came and got you myself. We need to get you to the hospital. I’m sorry, sweetheart, but Nick has taken a turn.”

  I had already left the room and was heading towards the door, running down the hall as fast as my legs could carry me. Matt grabbed my coat and tugged me backward, closer to his side.

  “You’re coming in my car. You’re in no state to drive.”

  I didn’t argue. I needed to get to the damn hospital.

  What the hell happened?

  “Don’t you dare die. Don’t you dare,” I repeated, unsure if I was saying it out loud or in my head.

  As we pulled in front of the entrance to Saint Andrew’s hospital, the door was already open; my legs dangling from the seat, waiting for the truck to stop. I could hear the blood pound furiously behind my ears. My legs ached as I took the stairs two steps at a time, following the route which seemed second nature to me.

  Nearing the end of the hallway, I saw his mother slouched uncomfortably over a green chair, her head in her hands and her husband’s supportive palm on her shoulder.

  Please be alive.

  You better be alive.

  “Mandy, love, there you are.” Kate stood and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. She kept me in her embrace a little longer than needed, and I wondered if she was hiding something from me. “They’re working on him.”

  Working on what?

  I’d spoken with him on the phone two hours ago.

  I didn’t notice the tears running down my face until I saw the stain of my teardrops on Kate’s blouse.

  It was all happening too fast.

  Medical staff rushed in and out of his room.

  Then I saw him through an open slate on the blinds. His lifeless body hung limp.

  There were so many tubes. Everywhere. All over his body, and his handsome face.

  “Blood pressure is dropping,” a nurse yelled, and I heard the distant slow beep of a monitor.

  Doctor Farley spat out distinct orders. Words I would never understand.

  “Blood pressure is still falling. What do you want to do?” the nurse asked anxiously, watching the monitor with wide eyes and a bouncing leg.

  “I’ll be damned if I’m giving up on him.” The docto
r leaned over and whispered something in Nick’s ear.

  “Come on, Nick. Come on. Please,” Kate muttered at my side. Her hands were clasped so tightly together, I thought she’d break her fingers.

  He can’t hear you. What’s the use?

  I spotted an elderly woman standing outside the next room. Her eyes were rimmed with tears as she watched the scene unfold. With rosary beads entwined in her hands, I heard, “Hail Mary, full of grace. The lord is with thee….” She began the prayer slowly, pronouncing each word carefully as if his life depended on every syllable.

  I hope it works.

  I was numb. Empty. Like someone could reach back into my throat and find nothing in my chest.

  Hollow.

  I felt nothing.

  I pinched myself to make sure it wasn’t a nightmare.

  I wasn’t so lucky.

  The corridor spun. The blood in my legs was icy, and my bones turned to jelly. I stumbled over my own two feet, but Matt caught me before I fell face-first onto the tiled floor.

  “Whoa! Hang in there, sis,” he breathed as I supported my weight against him.

  “Blood pressure is coming back up,” the same nurse bellowed, but the worry never left her small face.

  I waited almost thirty minutes, shifting from one leg to another. Then they cleared away their things and the nurses finally disappeared behind desks outside his room.

  Doctor Farley huddled close to Nick’s parents. “He is stable for now. We will keep a close watch on him, to be sure. He should wake up soon. He will be groggy, but he should know who you are and where he is.”

  They asked what happened, but I was already wandering into his room. Sitting in the chair I already spent so much time in, I took his hand and pressed it against my cheek.

  “You are such a jerk. Do you know that? Was that your idea of a prank? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” The tears flowed, hot and fast, and the sobs caught in my throat as I spoke. “God, Nick, don’t you ever do that to me again. I should have never gone back there. I should have been here with you.”

  “There was nothing you could have done for him, Mandy,” his mother’s voice echoed from the other side of his bed. Her eyes were sore and blotchy. “They even told me to get out.”

  “I know, but I wish I could have been here. He must have been so scared.”

  “I know, honey, but he is stable now, and once they run some tests, we will know what happened. He wouldn’t want you beating yourself up like this. He’s going to wake up any minute, just you wait and see.”

  I wanted to believe her so much, but I couldn’t find the power in myself to do it. What if he didn’t wake up? Would this be my last time speaking to him?

  As if sensing my unease, his mother said quietly, “He can hear you. You can speak to him.”

  I nodded slowly and turned back to him. Kate’s shadow disappeared towards the door, leaving to give us some privacy.

  “Hey, babe,” I began, feeling a little stupid. He couldn’t even talk back, and I laughed nervously because I knew he’d find this situation hysterical.

  What was wrong with me?

  I’d been friends with him since the age of four and dating for almost five years. Why couldn’t I speak up? Why couldn’t I say everything I needed him to hear?

  Me and Nick were never people for leaving things unsaid. We told each other how we felt daily. We argued hard and loved harder. I had little to say he didn’t already know. At least, I hoped he knew.

  “See the big, bright, beautiful light you are looking at. Turn away. It’s dangerous, Nick. You don’t want to die, you big idiot. So, turn away from the light. It may not look ugly, but once you get past it, it’s a whole different story. False advertising, if you ask me.” I stopped, hearing him moan quietly.

  “You always had a crappy sense of humour.” He opened his eyes, his voice tight as if straining to speak. I let out a long breath of sheer relief and tears flooded my eyes, streaming along already soaked cheeks.

  “You think I have a crappy sense of humour? You just played dead and think you’re going to get away with it.” I forced a light-hearted tone, but inside I was crumbling.

  He chuckled gently, wincing from the pain it caused.

  Before he could reply, his parents rushed in.

  “Are you trying to kill this beautiful girl?” His father smiled, a dusting of tears threatening to spill over. “She was having palpitations outside.”

  Nick turned his head to me, his eyes narrowing. I waved off his father’s comment.

  “Take no notice,” I whispered, leaning my head down to kiss him.

  “I love you so much.” It was the strongest I’d heard his voice in weeks, and I feared it. It didn’t bring me relief, because he mustered the strength from somewhere for a reason.

  “I love you too,” I replied, putting my hand in his as I feathered his cheek with the other.

  But when he closed his eyes again, they remained shut for seconds too long.

  “Mandy,” he croaked, and his voice caused my heart to constrict. “I forgot to tell you…”

  “Nick?” I called as his eyes shut tighter, causing painful creases to line his forehead. But before I could say anymore, they shot open again, and it wasn’t in response to his name. They were wide with fear. I watched them swirl back behind his eyelids.

  “Nick! Nick!” I screamed, forcing his convulsing body down on the bed.

  Doctor Farley sprinted through the door, already barking orders as he approached Nick’s violent body. “Hang in there, kid.”

  I was still screaming, standing at the foot of the bed, my entire body trembling. He couldn’t leave me.

  Nick.

  Please.

  I was helpless.

  Useless.

  I couldn’t do anything for him.

  Closing my eyes, I heard only the chaotic noises filling the room. That was when I heard the beeping on the monitor slow to a pace I’d never heard before. A slowness that made my body drain of colour.

  The doctor stared at me worryingly, fear gripping his small eyes. “Can someone get her the hell out of here?”

  Chapter Three

  Then

  “Please, Mandy. Sit down,” Kate pleaded.

  I was pacing back and forth outside the operating theatre for two hours.

  “What the hell is taking them so long?”

  Watching Nick have a seizure was something I prayed I would never have to watch again—with anyone. The images of his shaking body overwhelmed my mind, causing a violent headache to bang at my temples.

  Doctor Farley approached through swinging doors, still in his scrubs, and removing the disposal hat from his head.

  “Miss Parker,” he acknowledged. “Mr. and Mrs. Sayres. Please sit down.”

  My face drained of its colour.

  I could feel it.

  I could feel the room suddenly becoming a little colder.

  “We operated and closed the bleed,” he began.

  But I knew there was more to come. I could sense his terrified hesitation, see in his eyes that whatever he was about to say next would shatter us without care.

  “The cause of Nick’s seizures earlier was due to an internal bleed. We closed it, but Nick’s heart failed during the procedure. We got it beating, but by the time we did, it was too late. The lack of oxygen to his brain…” he stalled, and I didn’t give him the chance to continue.

  I knew what he was going to say.

  “He’s brain dead?” I bit down on my lip to suffocate the threatening sobs.

  “I’m sorry. We did everything we could.” He lowered his head to the ground.

  I expected the words, but it didn’t mean I was prepared for them.

  “Everything you could?” Kate began to shout in her state of hysteria. “If you had done everything you could, then my boy would be with us.”

  Her husband took her in his embrace and cradled her like a baby.

  I sat in silence with my eyes cast to
the ground. I wish I had the ability, but I couldn’t cry. As it turned out, shock trumped tears.

  Who knew?

  “Mandy,” the doctor started, facing me. “You should know: last week, Nick wanted to sign some papers.” He inhaled deeply before continuing. As if he feared speaking. “When Nick came out of the coma, we knew he wasn’t in the clear yet, but I did expect him to recover. He wasn’t so positive, and he wanted to be prepared, should something like this happen. Which, unfortunately, it has. He wanted it to be your call—your choice to switch off the life support.”

  I’m sure the world had stopped spinning.

  What the hell was he thinking?

  I stared at him, my eyes wide, my expression becoming mad as I felt the space around me close in.

  He was joking. He must be joking. This was some sort of sick prank.

  “My choice?” My mind couldn’t grasp the meaning. I couldn’t shake the disbelief, and tension built around my temples. “What is he trying to do to me? Why is this my choice? I can’t, I just...”

  “It’s okay, sweetheart.” Kate grabbed my hand. “You can do it.”

  I turned to her, begging for answers to something I didn’t understand.

  How was I going to turn off everything that was keeping him alive?

  “Did you know about this?” I asked.

  How could they allow this to happen? They should have stopped him.

  What a shitty decision, Nick.

  “Yes, we knew. He’s an adult and so are you. We had to respect his choices. And we never thought you’d have to do it. He knew this was going to be hard for you, so he wrote you a letter and gave it to me. He made me promise not to give it to you until something like this happened.” Kate dipped her hand into her bag.

  The pain tugging at my ribcage was unbearable and I gasped.

  I gasped for air.

  For understanding.

  For Nick to come back.

  I gasped because I couldn’t stand it.

  I accepted it with shaky hands, tears soaking through the paper, and the darkness spreading through the sheet reflected the pain rushing through my body.

  “I need some time,” I whispered. It was an automatic response because this was so fucked up, I didn’t know what else to say.