Conflicted

by Tracy Wolff

  “I know that, Mom.”

  “Then what’s all this talk of being a veterinarian?”

  “Desi—”

  “Don’t you Desi me, Jesse. I’m not even talking to you right now. You deliberately did this behind my back. You deliberately kept your mouth shut and let me think that everything was going the way it was supposed to.”

  “Supposed to?” The words burst from Rio. “Nothing is ever like it’s supposed to be around here, Mom!”

  “What does that mean?” she asked.

  “It means that I don’t want the ranch! I’ve never wanted it. Only, you’ve never been able to see that.”

  The words hung in the air, a land mine waiting to detonate with one wrong move. Minutes ticked by as Desiree stared at her son in silence. When she finally spoke, her voice was ice-cold. “What makes you think you have a choice in the matter? The oldest child has inherited this ranch for the last four generations, Rio. My great-grandfather, my grandfather, my father, me. Do you think this is what all of us wanted to do with our lives?” Opening her arms wide, she gestured to the stable and beyond. “Do you think I wanted to spend my life chasing an award that we seem absolutely incapable of winning? Do you think I wanted to spend my life tied up with horses and ledgers and breeding charts?”

  “If you hate it so much, why are you trying to make me do it?” His voice sounded young, and it was clear from the expression on his face that Rio hated it.

  “Because it is your responsibility.” Her voice cut like a knife. “It is your legacy and I will not let you turn your back on it.”

  “He’s not turning his back on anything, Desiree. Why can’t he be a veterinarian and still take over the ranch when you retire?”

  “Because that’s not what he wants,” she said. “He wants to run away from here, wants to completely forget any responsibility he has to this place.” Her laugh was harsh. “He plans on turning his back on everything he’s been trained for, everything five generations of my family have worked for. Even better, he wants me to pay for him while he does it.”

  “No, Mom, it’s not like that. Dad—”

  “Oh, so your dad’s going to pay for your education? For your defection?” Her gaze cut to her husband. “Of course, all his money came from the Triple H, too. Hasn’t it, Jess? All your wealth and fame has come directly from this ranch, even though you’ve never done the one thing I’ve asked of you, the one thing my father asked of you.”

  Jesse blanched. “Go up to the house, Rio.”

  “But—”

  “Go!” he commanded sharply, as he stalked across the stable toward his wife.

  Rio took off running without another word, his feet flying over the gravel and grass between the stables and the house. Jesse watched his son go, waited until he had vanished from sight before turning toward Desiree.

  “Who the hell do you think you are?” he asked.

  “I know exactly who I am. I am your wife, his mother and the owner of this ranch. As such, I deserve some input into how he spends the rest of his life.”

  “He isn’t one of your employees.” Jesse bit out the words from between clenched teeth. “You can’t order him around and make him do what you want with the rest of his life.”

  “This ranch—”

  “Screw the ranch, Desiree. Open your eyes and look at your son. How could you not know this was coming? How could you be so goddamn shocked?”

  He grabbed her, shook her. “He’s been bringing home wounded animals since he was five—birds, dogs, cats, even mice, for God’s sake. He’s read book after book on animals and with each wounded stray he’s gotten better at fixing them up. He shadows Paul and Devon whenever they show up here, asking question after question about what they’re doing and why and how they’re doing it. Did you think it was just idle curiosity?”

  “I…” She broke off, stared at her husband in bewilderment.

  His eyes widened with sudden understanding. “You never even noticed. You’re so wrapped up in this ranch that you don’t even see your own children anymore.”

  “That’s not true.” But she had the sinking feeling it was.

  “Isn’t it?” He thrust her away. “Did you see his face when you made that reference to the Triple Crown, to the promise I haven’t been able to keep? Have you ever taken the time to look at them, at what your obsession is doing to this family?”

  “It’s not an obsession. This ranch—”

  “Is a piece of property, Desiree. It’s land and horses. Beautiful land, beautiful horses, yes, but still just property. But Rio—he’s so much more than that.”

  Fury consumed her. “I don’t need you to tell me about my son!”

  “Our son. Rio’s my son, too. And yeah, I do think you need someone to tell you about him, about all of our children because sometimes I wonder if they even register on your radar anymore.”

  “That’s a horrible thing to say. I love my children and I want what’s best for them.”

  He shook his head. “Who are you trying to kid, Desiree? You want what you’ve always wanted—you want what’s best for this ranch. If our children’s needs and desires happen to coincide, then everything’s fine. But if they want something different, if they need something away from this albatross, then all hell breaks loose.”

  “I’ve always put my children first.”

  He laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “So why are we even having this discussion? If you always put your children first, why is it even an issue that Rio wants to be a veterinarian?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “That’s different.”

  “Why? Because you want it to be?”

  “He’s throwing away his whole life!”

  He stared at her incredulously. “Training to be a vet is ruining his life? Doing what he loves, what he’s always loved? He’s going to college, Desiree, not running drugs or knocking over convenience stores.”

  “You don’t understand!”

  “You’re damn right I don’t. What’s there to understand? Rio wants to do something other than run this ranch—so what? You’ve got two other kids who love the ranch, not to mention the fact that you’re not close to handing over the reins, for God’s sake. A lot can happen in twenty-five years. Rio can, and probably will, change his mind about the ranch. Dakota or Willow may really want to take over, or the whole operation may end up bankrupt. You never know, so why are we even arguing about this right now?”

  “I had plans—”

  “And you’re the only one? I have plans, Rio has plans, everyone has plans. Plans that have nothing to do with this ranch or the stupid Triple Crown.” He shook his head. “What’s happened to you?”

  “Nothing.”

  He continued as if he hadn’t heard her protest. “I look at you and I see the young girl I fell in love with, the girl with the intense eyes that could see all the way to my soul. The girl who could see every part of me with just a look.”

  He reached a restless hand out to pat Will-o-the-Wisp, who was nickering softly, nervously. “God, you were amazing. So full of fire and life that I couldn’t help wanting you, needing you. You were wild and reckless and impulsive—everything that I wasn’t. Being with you was like having a comet by the tail—it was impossible to do anything but hang on and hope to survive the ride.”

  “Nobody can live their life with that kind of intensity all the time, Jess. It isn’t practical.” Her voice was subdued.

  “I know that. But it would be nice to see glimpses of that girl every once in a while. The girl who snuck out of the house to sit with the sick horses in the middle of the night, who worked in a soup kitchen even though her father forbade it.” He smiled. “The girl who drove me crazy with her sultry looks and sexy perfume, who seduced me, who made me love her despite all the warnings I gave myself.”

  “I’m the same woman I’ve always been.”

  He shook his head, stared at her with a sadness and an intensity that had her breath catching in her throat. “The wom
an who dragged me to Vegas against her father’s will would understand a child’s need to live his or her own life, despite parental wishes.”

  He raked a hand through his hair. “The ranch means everything to you. We know that. But you can’t expect everyone to feel about it the same way you do.”

  Desiree walked to her office, stared at the pictures of her children on the corner of her desk. When she turned to face Jesse, tears threatened. “I just want what’s best for him.”

  “He’s eighteen, darlin’. It’s time to let him decide what that is.”

  “What if he’s wrong?”

  “What if he’s not?” His mouth twisted wryly. “You can’t keep them wrapped in cotton forever. No matter how much you want to keep them safe.”

  She reached for her husband’s hand despite the hints of betrayal still zinging through her system. “I know about the animals, Jess. All the wounded animals and people Rio’s brought home through the years and tried to help. Just as I’ve seen him break his heart over the ones he couldn’t help. I’ve seen the pain and helplessness he feels when he’s done everything he can and it still isn’t enough.” Her thumb rubbed circles on Jesse’s hand. “I don’t want a lifetime of that kind of pain for him. Is that so bad?”

  “Helping isn’t a job to Rio, darlin’. It’s a vocation. And he’ll be doing it for the rest of his life, whether he becomes a vet or not.”

  She sighed, cuddled against his side. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

  “No. But it does mean you can’t bitch about it for the next fifteen years.”

  She laughed before she could stop herself. Jesse looked startled, but then joined in as he drew her closer to him. Minutes passed silently as they held on to each other before Desiree finally pulled away.

  “Jesse?” Her voice was tentative, nervous.

  “What’s wrong, Desiree?”

  “I know you gave up a lot to marry me. I know that you never planned on spending thirty years chasing an unattainable dream.”

  He sighed. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know. But it’s true, nonetheless. If you’ve got something you have to do, some dream you haven’t realized, then I want you to do it.”

  “Desiree—”

  “No,” she shook her head adamantly. “I don’t want to be the one who cost you your dreams. So whatever it is that you can’t get from me, from the Triple H, I want you to go after it.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not practical, Desiree.”

  “Since when are dreams practical, Jesse? Just promise me you’ll always come back. Promise me you’ll never leave me.”

  “Where would I go, darlin’? You and our children are my life.”

  “Maybe it’s time you had a little more than that.”

  “There is nothing more than that.”

  “Not more, then. Just different. Whatever it is, I’ll support you, Jess. And I’ll support Rio, though I don’t understand why he can’t go to A & M. They’ve got a great veterinary program and they’re so much closer than Colorado State.”

  He smiled, rocked her softly. “You’ve got to let them go sometime, darlin’.”

  “And we both know how good I am at letting go of the things and people I love.”

  “It’ll get easier.”

  “If it doesn’t kill me.”

  CHAPTER NINE

  THE STUDY DOOR SLAMMED open for the second time that day, and Jesse turned to see Desiree all but breathing fire as she glared at him. Her flame-red hair was a mess—as if she’d spent the past few hours yanking at it. Her full mouth was set in a grim line and her expression dared him to speak before she’d had her say.

  He expected her to yell, to let loose the redheaded temper she usually kept under such stringent control. But when she spoke, her voice was low and her teeth clenched as she spat out each word. Somehow her control made the words even more effective.

  “I don’t have a clue what’s going on in your head and haven’t for a hell of a long time. But until those papers are signed, until they are certified by a judge, I am still your wife. And I do not appreciate the disrespect you showed by walking away from me in the middle of our conversation.”

  He smirked, knowing how much it would annoy her. “I wouldn’t exactly call that a conversation, darlin.’ More like a haranguing and I didn’t feel the need to hang around for it.”

  “Stop calling me that!”

  Her shriek made him take a step back, had him looking warily at the numerous items the room provided for her to throw at him. Even so, a man had to stand his ground sometime—even if it meant getting beaned in the head with a paperweight. “Stop what?”

  “Stop calling me darlin’ in that sarcastic, condescending tone! You’ve been doing it all day, all month, all year. And I’m sick of it.” Her voice escalated, threatening his hearing with every syllable.

  “How dare you? How dare you hurt me by using the one and only endearment you’ve ever had for me to humiliate me now? How dare you spring this on me on the day of our daughter’s wedding? How dare you tear apart our whole goddamn marriage and never give me a reason why!”

  Crossing to the window, she wrapped her arms around her waist defensively.

  He regarded her for a minute, unsure of what to say or do. Crossing the room before he could stop himself, he laid his hand on her shoulder before he thought better of it.

  “Look, darlin’, I’m sorry. Maybe I should have waited a couple of days to give you—”

  She shrugged his hand away angrily. “I told you not to call me that.”

  Shock pulsed through him at the strange thickness in her voice, a thickness he hadn’t heard in many years. “Are you crying?” He was so startled that the question slipped out before he could stop it.

  “Of course not,” she said bitterly. “Over you?”

  Grabbing her shoulders roughly, he spun her to face him. “Don’t be ridiculous, darlin.’ I know better than to think—” He stopped abruptly as he stared at her wet cheeks, at her gorgeous blue eyes, wet and rimmed with red.

  “Desiree?” His voice was quiet now, his touch tentative as he brushed the tears away with a few sweeps of his thumb. “I don’t understand what’s going on here.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  Uncertainty swept through him as he stared at the wife he thought he knew, and the tears he’d never expected. “Look, I’m not trying to hurt you.”

  Her chin came up. “As if you could.”

  “Then why are you crying?”

  “Because I’m angry, you jerk. Because I was completely blindsided by your little announcement, and it’s taking me some time to get used to it.”

  “Blindsided?” He gaped at her. “How the hell could you be blindsided? What have we done together in the past year? In the past two years?”

  “The races—”

  “Besides work. Besides the ranch. Besides the Triple Crown. What have we done together?”

  “I thought you liked it that way.”

  “Liked living with you like a stranger or worse, like a boss and her employee? You thought I liked that?”

  “You keep saying that.” She stared at him with baffled eyes. “It’s never been like that.”

  “It’s always been like that, whether you admit it or not.”

  “How can you say that? After twenty-seven years, how can you say that to me?”

  “How can I not?”

  “You’re insane. Completely nuts. I don’t know what kind of sick thoughts you’ve got twisting around in that head of yours, but I won’t be a part of it. I won’t let you blame me for your own indifference.”

  “Indifference? Where the hell do you get that?”

  She strode away from him. When she turned to face him, her chest heaved with exertion. Though he damned himself and his suddenly out-of-control libido, he couldn’t tear his eyes from her. From her high, proud breasts that moved with every harsh breath to her flushed cheeks and burning eyes—she was magnific
ent and always had been. This woman he’d married who had always been too good for him.

  “You throw divorce papers at me—you don’t even tell me what they are—then you walk away like I’m nothing to you. Like we never raised a family together, like we never built this ranch together. Like we never even loved each other. What am I supposed to think, Jesse? It’s been months since you moved out of our bedroom without so much as a word. Longer than that since you’ve held me or kissed me or made love to me. What the hell am I supposed to think?”

  “You never said a word when I moved out!” The words burst from him defensively.

  “What was I supposed to do? Beg you to touch me? To love me?”

  “I wanted—”

  “Someone else!”

  Silence reigned as his heart stuttered in his chest, as he struggled to assimilate her words. She didn’t believe…couldn’t actually think…

  “Is that what you think?” His voice was nearly unrecognizable when he finally spoke. “That I’ve been having an affair?”

  “Don’t you dare look so offended. What the hell else am I supposed to think? From the time we first got together you haven’t been able to keep your hands off me, Jesse. And not just for sex, though we’ve had a hell of a lot of that, too. You’ve always responded to me, always touched me. Even if it was just a kiss or a hand on my cheek or the small of my back, you’ve always reached for me.

  “When that stops as abruptly as it did with us, when you don’t make love to me for over a year, when you don’t even see me when I’m right in front of you, how can I think it’s anything but another woman?”

  “Do you even know me at all? Thirty-three years and you think that I’d betray you? For what?”

  “I don’t know!” She yelled at him. “All I know is you’re gone and I don’t know how to reach you. I know I’m getting older and I’m not as attractive—”

  “Stop it.” How could she think he didn’t want her? “That’s—”

  But she was talking over him, through him. “You’re away from home four and five months a year. I know beautiful, younger women throw themselves at you—I’ve seen it. And I know my stomach’s not as flat as it used to be, that my breasts—”