Conflicted

by Tracy Wolff

  She brought her lips to his and he tasted the saltiness of her tears along with the wild sweetness that had always been a part of her. “I know I’ve screwed up. I’ve made mistakes with you, treated you carelessly. But there is one truth that you have to know, that you can’t ever doubt.” Her hands clenched in his hair as she stared into his eyes, her own now mercifully dry and filled with conviction. “I love you, Jesse Rainwater. I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old and I will love you until the day I die. Marriage or no marriage. Divorce or no divorce. You will always be the only man I have ever loved.”

  He stared at her for a long time, his own pain obvious even as he shook his head. “It’s too late, Desiree.”

  “Why is it too late? I still love you and you still love me.” Her eyes met his. “You do still love me, don’t you?”

  “I told you, it’s not about love.”

  “Of course it is. If we love each other—”

  “Are you really that naive?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We’ve always loved each other, darlin’. For thirty-two years, I’ve loved you and I know you’ve felt the same way about me.”

  “I have, Jesse, I—”

  He held up a hand. “But too many things have been said, Desiree. Things that can’t be taken back. We’re just not good for each other.”

  He cupped her cheek in his hand, brushing tenderly at the unending line of tears with his thumb. “I love you, but I can’t live like this anymore. I won’t live like this anymore.”

  “It won’t be like this anymore. I’ve changed—”

  “It’s not all you, darlin’. You’ve told me everything you’ve done wrong, but you left out all the mistakes I’ve made along the way.”

  Her eyes widened in shock and he cursed himself. He’d been such an ass these past two years that it had never occurred to her that he could recognize his own mistakes, as well. “For twenty-seven years it’s bothered me that you wouldn’t let me make a home for us away from here. It’s made me bitter, made me feel inferior because I was living here, off of you.”

  “Jesse, no!”

  “I got so caught up in the emasculation I felt at not providing for you that I let it drive a wedge between us, a huge wedge that’s gotten bigger and deeper as the years have passed. I thought I could live with it. When Rio was born, I told myself I would live with it. And I have. But I’ve never let the feelings go, never moved past it. And because it was such a big thing for me, I couldn’t believe that it wasn’t just as huge for you.”

  “Jesse, your contributions to this ranch and this family are huge. I’ve never doubted that.”

  He nodded, smiling sadly. “I know that…now. Just like I know you’ve never thought about it the same way I did. But I can’t get past it in my own head. Even now, with our marriage destroyed, I can’t get past it. It’s broken me, Desi. It’s broken us and I don’t see how we can be put back together.”

  “I can’t accept that.” The tears were gone and in their place was the determination he knew so well.

  “I don’t think you have a choice.”

  “The hell I don’t. We can still fix this.”

  He shook his head. “I thought you’d hired Tom to replace me.”

  “Jesse, no.” Her eyes were wide and shocked. “You couldn’t have.”

  “I did. That’s what I mean, darlin’. There’s no trust left between us. I go through life expecting you to hurt me and you do the same. That’s not a marriage.”

  “So you’re just going to give up? Run away?”

  He stiffened. “I’m not running away.”

  “What would you call it?”

  He shrugged. “Strategic disengagement.”

  “What is this—a war?”

  “It has been, for a very long time. And I’m tired. I can’t fight anymore.”

  “So you’re going to quit on us?”

  “I don’t know what else to do.”

  “Help me fix what’s wrong.”

  “How, Desiree? I can’t wave a magic wand and win the Triple Crown for you.”

  “Maybe it’s not meant to be won.”

  It was his turn to stare at her. “What did you just say?”

  She shrugged. “Forty years is a long time to go without a winner. Maybe there’s a reason for that.”

  He shoved a hand through his hair as he continued to stare, openmouthed, at her. “Are you kidding me?”

  “Do you really think that stupid prize is more important to me than you?”

  “It’s been the most important thing in your life for more than twenty years, Desiree. That doesn’t change overnight.”

  “It is when I’m hit between the eyes with a sledgehammer.” She held her hand up as he began to speak. “But, to be honest, I’ve spent the past year figuring out that trying to prove myself to a dead man is useless. It’s worse than useless and it certainly isn’t worth our marriage.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “I do mean it.”

  He shook his head in disbelief. “Until next year, when we lose the Derby or the Preakness.”

  “No.” She shook her head.

  “Yes. I know you too well.”

  “No, you don’t. If you did, we wouldn’t be here now, facing the end of our marriage.”

  “Desiree—”

  “Jesse.” She reached out, grasped both his arms and waited until he was looking into her eyes. “I can’t prove any of this to you. You’re going to have to trust me.”

  “Isn’t that what we’ve been talking about? Trust isn’t exactly our long suit.”

  She let him go, slowly folding her arms over her chest as the truth sank in. “So that’s it, then? We’re finished?” She began gathering her clothes, her spine stiff, her movements jerky.

  He searched within himself for words that could express the fear and hope battling inside of him. She’d hurt him so many times before that part of him thought it was suicide to give her another chance to destroy him. They’d wandered so far from where they’d started that it was hard to imagine finding a way back to what they’d once had.

  And yet, could he really turn her down when everything inside of him called out for her?

  “Don’t leave me.” The words tumbled out, unbidden. They weren’t what he’d planned to say, but as Desiree froze in midmotion, he realized he didn’t want to take them back.

  She turned to face him. “What did you say?”

  “Please, don’t go.” He took his first steps toward her. “I’m not sure where we go from here, not sure if we can fix all the hurt we’ve inflicted on each other through the years. But I don’t want to be without you. Not yet.”

  “Yes,” she murmured, throwing her arms around his neck and holding on. “God, yes.”

  “But I do think you were right. We need to get away from the ranch for a while, spend some time figuring things out without all the angst and pain the Triple H has been about for so long.”

  She started to speak, but he interrupted her. “And I want you to tear up the partnership papers.”

  “But I thought that’s what you wanted.”

  “What I wanted was to feel like my wife understood and appreciated me.”

  “I’ve always appreciated you, Jess, though understanding is something I’m just now working toward.”

  “We’ll work toward it together. Tom was telling me about this counselor that saved his and Maureen’s marriage.”

  She stared at him, surprised. “You want to go to counseling?”

  “I think we need something if we’re going to have any kind of chance at all. We’ve known each other for thirty-five years and I think we understand each other less now than we ever have before.”

  “But that’s going to change.” Her eyes were bright with a hope he hadn’t seen in far too long.

  “I don’t know if it will or not.” His voice was resolute, daring her to take a leap of faith. “But I want it to.”

  “Then that’s
good enough for now.”

  * * * * *

  For more sexy, emotional fun from Harlequin Desire

  be sure to check out

  SNOWED IN WITH A BILLIONAIRE

  from Karen Booth

  Joy McKinley just had to be rescued by one of the wealthiest, sexiest men she’s ever met. Especially when she’s hiding out in someone else’s house under a name that isn’t hers. But when they get snowed in together, can their romance survive the truth?

  Read on for a sneak peek at

  SNOWED IN WITH A BILLIONAIRE

  Joy McKinley hated to lie to anyone, especially someone as sweet as her fellow bakery worker, Natalie. But she had no choice.

  “This is me. On the right. Don’t bother pulling into the driveway. It’s tough to back out. Cars whiz around that turn so fast.” Snow was coming down like crazy now. By all accounts, they were in for one heck of a storm.

  “Cute house.” Natalie peered through the window at the rustic cabin Joy had driven past every day on her way up the mountain. Her blond curls poked out from underneath her gray-and-white-striped knit hat. It had a giant pom-pom on top. “You make enough at the bakery to live here by yourself?”

  If Natalie knew where Joy was really staying, her eyes would have popped out of her head. This house wasn’t nice enough to be the shed behind the one she was currently living in. “It’s really not that nice. It’s a total fixer-upper on the inside. And it’s just until I decide whether or not I’m staying in Vail long-term.”

  Every fib out of Joy’s mouth, however small, ate at her. That was the reason she’d kept to herself since coming to Vail—it was easier to live covertly if you never had to speak to anyone about the details of your life. It made for a solitary existence though, one that was starting to chew a hole through Joy’s sanity and sense of self, especially now that Christmas was almost here. Unfortunately, lies and lone-wolfing were the best ways to keep her cover, and keep it she must.

  Natalie’s car quaked and rumbled as it idled, but at least it was still spitting out heat. December in Colorado was no joke. Although Joy had grown up in Ohio and had lived through her fair share of bitter cold winters, she’d lost much of her immunity to chilly temperatures while living in LA and Santa Barbara over the last few years.

  “Which way are you leaning? Staying or going?” Natalie asked.

  “I’m not sure. I need to weigh my options, find a permanent place to live. Let me know if you hear of anyone who needs a roommate. I’d love to share the rent with someone.”

  “I’ll definitely ask around. We’d hate to lose you at the bakery. I love working with you.”

  “That’s so sweet of you to say. I love working with you, too.” Joy nodded eagerly. Those words were the truth. Still, her pulse was starting to thunder in her ears. What if the real owner of this house came outside, wondering what a strange car was doing idling out front? What if they suddenly came home? The thought put her too close to the edge, a place she’d spent the last several months. Someday she would get settled. Someday she wouldn’t have to be a nomad.

  “Just so you know, I’m not trying to guilt you into staying. Seems like you’re pretty overqualified to work there.”

  “I’m really not overqualified. Pastries and baking are just as much work as French or Italian cuisine.” Those were Joy’s specialties, but if she started talking about food, she’d never get out of the car, and she was already tempting fate by sitting there. Needing to force the issue, she pulled the handle and opened her car door. “I should go. I’m beat from today and you should really get home before the snow gets any worse.”

  Natalie leaned across the seat and looked up at Joy. “Do you want me to talk to my brother about helping you with your car? He works cheap if I tell him it’s a favor to me.”

  Even cheap is too expensive for me. “It’s nice of you to offer. I’ll let you know. Thanks so much for the ride. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

  Of course, I have no clue how I’m going to get there, but I’ll worry about that later.

  “If the bakery stays open in this storm. I’d check in with Bonnie later tonight before you go to bed. She’ll tell you what the contingency plan is based on the forecast.”

  “Thanks. I’ll do that.” Joy dawdled on her way to the mailbox, pretending to fumble with her bag, then stood with her hand on the pull, waving at Natalie. As soon as she was out of view, Joy pulled back her hand. Knowing her luck, she’d get saddled with federal mail tampering charges.

  Joy waited another moment, standing perfectly still as snow fell all around her, collecting on her shoulders and her nose. As soon as she was certain Natalie was long gone, she doubled back to the end of the street and started her long walk up the hill to the sprawling luxurious mountain estate of her former employers, Harrison and Mariella Marshall. Landing the job as head chef at the Marshalls’ estate in Santa Barbara, California, had been a dream come true. Now she was enduring a bizarre bad dream, one in which her surroundings were still luxe and of the Marshall variety, but the reality was decidedly less shiny.

  Harrison Marshall, one of the world’s original celebrity chefs, owned a global culinary empire. Working for him was the ultimate foot in the door when it came to being a chef. Unfortunately, Harrison had been in a near-fatal car accident soon after Joy began working for him. In the aftermath, Harrison’s family unraveled, especially his wife, Mariella. She used Joy as a verbal punching bag, launching unprovoked tirades about things as minor as what type of table salt to use. One day, Mariella pushed too hard, and Joy quit. With little money and zero prospects, she walked away from the best job she’d ever had.

  Only empathy from Mariella’s son Rafe had saved her, and it was a temporary fix. He’d given her the keys to the Vail house, saying she was okay to stay until mid-January, when his siblings would likely come to ski. It was such a beautiful home, her stay was a respite, of sorts, but she still needed to work, and the only employment she’d found was at the bakery downtown. It was money and that was all that mattered.

  Normally, Joy would be driving her beat-up car home from the bakery at this time of day, rocking forward and back in the driver’s seat and praying it would make it all the way to the top. Not today. The cantankerous piece of junk had decided not to start that morning. This was after she’d just spent the only significant chunk of money she had, nearly six hundred dollars, into fixing it. She would’ve been better off abandoning the car and keeping that money for a deposit on an apartment. The clock was ticking on that front. Mid-January would be here before she knew it.

  She’d considered borrowing one of the three cars in the Marshalls’ five-car garage, all of which had to cost more money than she could make in five years. As someone who was supposed to be laying low, driving around town in a showstopper of a vehicle was a recipe for attracting too much attention. She’d attempted to borrow one of the family’s bicycles, but she only made it partway down the icy driveway before nearly wiping out. At that point, out of options and on the verge of being late for a job she absolutely needed, she’d decided to spend her last available cash on a taxi. Hence the ride home from Natalie.

  The storm seemed to be gaining momentum now. The fluffy fat flakes from earlier were turning to icy pellets. The wind was blowing like crazy, howling between the trees and rustling snow from the branches in dramatic swirls. With a deluge of frozen precipitation pummeling her face, she had to squint in order to see. Joy tugged her scarf up around her ears and over her mouth. It was hard work to scale the hill, and she was breaking out into a sweat, even in the freezing temperatures. The high down in Vail that day had only been twenty-eight degrees. She got off work from the bakery at 3:00 p.m. each day, and it was nearly five now. The sun had set. The brittle night air grated against her cheeks; it worked its way into her bones. Colorado was beautiful, but Joy wasn’t sure she was cut out for being a snow bunny long-term. She would’ve done anything at that moment for a margarita and a beach.

  She dug the toes of
her boots into the compacted snow, trudging away, careful to stay as far to the side of the road as possible. So much snow had fallen over the last few weeks that waist-high banks lined both sides of the street. She zipped her jacket up around her face and focused on what was waiting for her when she reached the top. She visualized the unbelievable bed she’d been sleeping in every night, the fluffy king-sized pillowtop in Mariella’s daughter’s room. Climbing in and sinking into that luxurious mattress, swishing her bare feet against the fine sheets, was pure heaven. It was her reward for surviving every day. It was also her safe place, a place where she didn’t allow herself to become mired in negative thoughts or worries about where she would go next or what she was going to do in terms of building a future. Yes, she was living a borrowed life right now, and a clandestinely borrowed one at that, but she had to be thankful for what she had. A roof over her head and a warm place to sleep were at the top of the list of her blessings.

  The incline was getting steeper. She hitched her bag up on her shoulder. Her breaths came faster, icy air slicing through her lungs. Everything was freezing—her feet, her thighs, her fingers, and especially her cheeks. She started to shake from the cold. Think of the bed. Think of the bed. Just then a soft glow came from around the bend. Light bounced off the snowbanks and the snow-covered branches of the dense stands of trees all around her. The light became brighter. It swept from side to side. But it was the strangest thing. There was no noise. She’d typically hear a car by now. And then came a recognizable sound—the crunch of tires over snow.

  The black car came into view, up at the very top of the hill. She inched closer to the side of the road to be safe. She waved her hand to make sure the driver saw her, and he seemed to, slowly moving to the center of the road. She looked down at her feet for an instant and the next thing she knew, the car was skidding across a patch of ice, drifting closer to the opposite side. She could see his exact trajectory. He was going to go into the ditch. The car turned sharply. An overcorrection. The back end fishtailed. The car slid sideways. The tires crunched against the snow again. The driver had slammed on the brakes. But it kept going. Coming right for her. Run. That was all she could think. But which way? Up seemed like the only answer. Her feet slipped. She fell forward, clawing at the snow with her hands, scrambling out of the way. The headlights blinded her. The car barreled at her. She righted herself and scrambled. Not enough time. She did the only thing she could do. She dove into a snowbank.