Take a Moment

by Nina Kaye

  ‘You must have been desperate.’

  ‘She was OK actually. Seemed happy enough to pass the info on.’

  ‘That doesn’t sound like my sister. We haven’t spoken since I told them I was moving here. Did she mention that?’

  ‘No, actually. I know you’ve never been the best of pals. Did you have a falling-out?’

  I roll my eyes at that understatement. ‘She and my mother didn’t agree with my decision to move here. They made it clear they wanted nothing to do with “such ridiculousness”. Told me to get in touch when I came to my senses, or when I had my next relapse and needed to move back – whichever came first. Proper Little House on the Prairie family love.’ I lift my tea and sip from it.

  ‘Shit, Lex. I had no idea. I’m so sorry. Your mum and sister can be difficult, I know, but that’s way harsh. If I’d known that I’d—’

  ‘You’d what? Go back in time and change what you said? Decide you did want to sign up for a life with a disabled woman after all?’

  I regret these words the moment they’ve left my lips but Dom just turning up like this isn’t just an irritation, it’s reopening old wounds. Stirring up feelings for him I didn’t know were still there.

  Dom visibly recoils. ‘Lex, please. Don’t be like that. That was something I said in the moment. Stupid, yes. But true? No.’

  ‘It was true. You just wish you hadn’t said it out loud.’

  ‘No. I reacted. Just as you reacted to everything that was going on at work. To any offer of help from me, from your family—’

  ‘So you’re saying it was my fault?’

  ‘What? No. I’m saying… although it was you who had something life-changing thrown at you, it affected us as well. We were all trying to process it and do what we thought was best, but things got out of control, and our relationship took the brunt of it.’ Dom looks quite cut up as he says this.

  My defensiveness wavers a little. I’d never really considered it that way before. I was so consumed by anger and denial that all I could think about was how everyone was getting on my nerves. They were trying to do what they thought was best – no matter how misguided that was. None of us got a manual on how to deal with a degenerative disease. We had to make it up as we went along.

  ‘I thought you were relieved.’ My voice is close to a whisper, eyes fixed on the floor. ‘It was a get-out-of-jail-free card. Who wouldn’t take that in your situation?’

  ‘You make it sound so transactional, Lex. You accuse me of going into work mode.’

  ‘Fair enough. So why are you telling me all this now, Dom? You never said any of this back when it mattered. I haven’t heard from you for ages. Why are you here?’

  Dom swallows thickly and fixes his piercing blue eyes on mine. ‘I’m here, Lex, because since we finished, nothing’s been right. It’s like I’ve lost a part of me. I think about you all the time and I want you back. I don’t care what your MS means for our future. We can face it together. I want to be your rock and I want to take care of you. And I still love you – more than you could ever know.’

  I feel like the breath’s been sucked out of me. The room blurs as unwanted tears brim. What do I do with this? I’ve been getting on great; created a whole new life for myself. But here, now, with Dom beside me, it’s clear to me that I’m still in love with him too. How could I not be? We were getting married. Our relationship didn’t fizzle out, we just hit a Ben Nevis-sized bump in the road. One that catapulted us in different directions, and now Dom’s found his way back from that. But where am I?

  ‘Shit, Dom.’ I grab a cushion and clock him with it. ‘What the hell am I meant to do with that?’

  ‘Say you want to be with me too?’ His handsome features are filled with puppy-dog-like hope.

  ‘I can’t just… I’ve only…’

  Matt’s face suddenly materialises in my mind, paralysing me into silence.

  ‘Are you still in love with me, Lex?’

  ‘I’m… yes. Of course I am.’ I look him square in the face. ‘It’s not that simple though. I have a new life here and I actually really love this city.’

  ‘I’ll move down. I can get a job here, no problem. Birmingham has a big financial district.’

  ‘I can’t ask you to do that.’

  ‘You didn’t. I offered.’ He gives me a playful nudge.

  ‘That is true.’ I shake my head, trying to clear away the jumbled thoughts that have gathered like seagulls to a chip wrapper.

  ‘Look, I know I’ve turned up out of nowhere and landed this on you. You’ve had no time to digest it. How about I leave you to think about things overnight? I’m staying along by the Mailbox. I could take you for brunch in the morning and we could talk things through a bit more.’

  ‘The morning… oh, I…’ My head goes into a spin as I remember that’s when Matt and I have our date. ‘What about the evening? Maybe give me a bit more time? Unless you’re flying home before then…?’

  Dom’s disappointed but I can see he’s trying to hide it. ‘I’m here til Monday. Took a day off in the hope we could spend tomorrow together. But if you need that time, that’s fine.’

  I swallow guiltily. ‘OK, thanks, I appreciate it. Let’s meet later tomorrow then.’

  We get up from the sofa and walk to my tiny hallway in silence, both consumed by our own thoughts. I can tell Dom is troubled by me putting him off. I’m certainly feeling guilty enough for doing it, despite him being the one to have turned up unannounced. As I reach for the handle of my apartment door, Dom surprises me by taking my hand. His touch is different to Matt’s: familiar, warm and reassuring. Like a cosy blanket I want to dive under. It sparks something in me and I feel the need to be totally honest with him.

  ‘Dom, the real reason I asked if we can meet later in the day is because I have a date tomorrow.’

  I brace myself for his response.

  ‘A date?’ He seems genuinely surprised and equally disappointed. ‘Have you known the guy long?’

  ‘No. We bumped into each other a few times’ – I decide it’s best to leave out the fact that Sasha and I were like a heat-seeking missile trying to track Matt down – ‘and we’ve been on one date. Tomorrow’s our second.’

  ‘Sure.’ Dom’s face has become unreadable. ‘I suppose I shouldn’t have expected you not to move on. I’ve had a few dates myself. But they just showed me all the more that you were the one.’

  He smiles down at me and strokes my hand affectionately with his thumb. My senses respond with the urge to move closer to him, but as I battle to resist doing so, I miss Dom’s advance, and before I know it, he’s lifting my chin with his forefinger and drawing me in for a kiss. We lock together passionately, my body filled with longing for him. It’s just like we used to be – before a big bloody elephant wedged itself between us. I let him wrap his arms round me and pull me into him. Then as suddenly as he kissed me, he pulls away.

  ‘Oh, I err…’ I stumble backwards, feeling myself colouring a little.

  ‘I’ve wanted to do that since the moment I walked through the door.’ Dom looks at me and smiles, his feelings on show like merchandise in a shop window.

  ‘I was a little behind you. But I have to admit, that was nice.’

  ‘Just nice?’

  ‘Don’t push your luck.’ I give him a look and open my apartment door.

  ‘Sorry. Couldn’t resist.’

  We do an awkward dance-like movement in the tiny space as we manoeuvre ourselves around the door for him to leave.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow then,’ he says, then pauses thoughtfully. ‘This guy you’ve met. Does he know?’

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘About your situation?’

  I purse my lips, not keen to get into a conversation about Matt. ‘No, it hasn’t come up yet.’

  ‘Right. Just wondered. See you tomorrow, kitten.’ He gives me his sexy signature wink – the one he only ever used with me – which I can’t help but respond to with a ‘teenage’ grin. />
  ‘Bye, Dom.’

  I give a little wave as I close the door, then, after throwing the lock, I let my body slide down the door until I’m sat on the floor with my back against it. What happened? My new life was going so well. It was uncomplicated – as much as it could be. Now Dom’s driven a bloody great train through all that. Him turning up was the last thing I expected and as much as I want to say it doesn’t change a thing, it clearly does. Because – newsflash – I’m still completely in love with him. It was so much easier when I thought he didn’t want me any more. I didn’t think I had a choice. Now he’s willing for me to keep my new life in Birmingham – with him as part of the package.

  But what about Matt? Gorgeous Matt, who leaves me almost unable to form a coherent sentence. I haven’t so much as kissed him. I know so little about him. And now I have to decide whether to pick up where I left off with the man I believed to be my soulmate, or gamble everything for what I currently know to be no more than an oxytocin-inducing, heady crush.

  Normally I’m a great problem solver. But how can I make that kind of decision in just over twenty-four hours?

  Chapter 23

  After an agonising Saturday afternoon and evening spent trying to make sense of what’s just happened, I predictably have an unsettled night. This leaves me feeling less than refreshed for my date with Matt the next morning. The good news, however, is that the weather has settled into a nice calm, sunny-but-chill day. While I wait for my buzzer to announce his arrival, my mind resumes whirring over my dilemma like an overworked CPU.

  This would be an impossible predicament in any normal set of circumstances: choosing between going back to something that made me so happy pre-diagnosis, and something new and exciting but very much uncharted territory. The outcome of either is impossible to predict. I then have the added uncertainty of my MS.

  Dom asked if Matt knew, and throughout the previous day I pondered his motives for this. Was it to give him the upper hand? To knock me off my perch, so I’d see him as the only realistic option? As soon as I think it, I brush these questions aside; that’s not Dom’s style, he wins by putting in the hard work. And his question is a fair one: one I’ve already allowed to get in the way, which Sasha then helped me see beyond. But Sasha’s a romantic. Dom’s more pragmatically minded, like me – though I’ve been wondering recently whether I’m losing my touch. Am I kidding myself thinking this thing with Matt could have any kind of happy ever after?

  The buzzer sounds, signalling Matt’s arrival, and I stop dead. Should I make an excuse? This initial instinct matches the logic, no matter what way I look at it. Then my conversation with Sasha floats into my mind: it’s just dating; it doesn’t need to go anywhere.

  ‘For goodness sake,’ I cry out loud. ‘When did I become this overthinking, indecisive idiot? Just go on the date and don’t think a moment beyond it.’

  I grab my bag from the sofa and march out of my apartment, letting Matt know I’m on my way as I do.

  ‘How are you?’ I greet him as I emerge into the cold air, wrapped up in my grey puffer jacket, scarf and gloves.

  He’s leaning casually on the roof of his VW Golf, dressed in similar outdoorsy gear to what he was wearing on the train when we first met. It makes him look so strong and handsome. I feel an immediate flutter in my stomach.

  ‘I’m great. You?’ He walks round the car and gives me the same electric-shock-inducing greeting as on Friday night – a lingering kiss on the cheek, hand gently touching my upper arm.

  ‘Bit tired. But otherwise good.’

  ‘Bad night?’

  I immediately regret admitting to this. ‘Didn’t sleep as well as usual. Nothing to bother about.’

  ‘The fresh air will sort you out. I’ve been on a few walking holidays with the boys and while open campfires and cosy pubs are perfect for beers and banter, you never feel quite as clever the next day. The outdoors clears the thickest of heads.’

  He grins at me and opens the passenger door for me. I climb inside and put on my seatbelt.

  ‘Ready?’ he asks as he gets into the driving seat and starts the car.

  ‘Let’s go.’

  We drive through Birmingham’s suburbs and out into the countryside, fields and woods whizzing past us as we go. An hour later, Matt is perched on the open boot of the car checking the weather on his phone and I’m marvelling at my surroundings, rotating on the spot as I take in the natural landscape around me.

  ‘This place is fabulous. It’s so quiet and peaceful, and the air is so fresh… the smell from the trees and vegetation… it’s so invigorating.’

  ‘What did I tell you?’

  ‘They should bottle that smell and pump it into our workplaces. We’d surely all get more done.’

  Matt chuckles. ‘I’m glad you’re so enthusiastic. Not everyone’s as into the outdoors.’

  ‘I genuinely don’t know why I don’t do this stuff more. I’m not just saying that. It really feels good for the soul.’

  ‘You certainly seem less tired. Told you it would work. Just didn’t expect it to be so quick.’

  I fail to mention that it was the exhilarating hour-long drive with his gorgeous self, chatting about everything and nothing, that had the most invigorating effect.

  ‘So, this is Wyre Forest. It’s one of my favourite places.’

  ‘You come here a lot?’

  ‘Since I was a little boy. It’s probably what started my obsession with the outdoors.’ He glances at me. ‘It probably sounds cheesy but it’s had such a great effect on me. I hope to be able to pass on the same experience to my kids when I have them. You know, keep the active lifestyle in the family: wife, kids, dogs, starting out small and building up as they get older, eventually climbing the Munros together.’

  For a second, I’m overwhelmed by him laying out his cards like this, until I realise it’s with no agenda. This is just the kind of guy he is: an open book. It’s certainly refreshing, but unfortunately, he’s already given the ending to his story away – and I can’t see how I would fit into it. There’s definitely no room for a wife with seriously reduced mobility in that equation. Annoyed at myself for jumping ahead, I shake my head to scatter these thoughts and remind myself that this is just dating. Period.

  He points to a path leading into the woodland. ‘We’re going to do the Buzzard trail – a five-kilometre walk. Should take us about an hour and a half, then a nice pub lunch. Sound OK?’

  ‘Sounds wonderful.’ I force myself to focus on the moment and begin to rotate on the spot again, gazing up at the tall, bare trees.

  ‘Before we go though, there’s something I need to sort.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  I finish my three-sixty turn and find myself face to face with Matt. My breath catches in my throat as he steps forward, slips his arms round my waist and gently pulls me towards him, checking I’m comfortable with the gesture before drawing me in for the most delicious first kiss. His touch is firm but gentle and this on top of the incredible surroundings sends my senses into overdrive. I pull him towards me hungrily, and he responds by mirroring my body language.

  ‘Wow,’ is all I can manage when we eventually pull apart breathlessly. ‘Forget putting forest air in our workplaces. We’d all be randy as—’

  Matt erupts with laughter. ‘There was me thinking it was me that had that effect on you.’

  ‘It was. But there’s no doubt our surroundings made it that bit more enjoyable.’

  He steps forward and pulls me in again, this time planting three solid but sensual kisses on my lips before taking my hand and intertwining his fingers between mine.

  ‘Now we’ve got that bit out of the way… shall we?’ he asks.

  ‘Absolutely.’

  We head off along the trail, lost in each other as we engage in affectionate banter, stealing kisses and keeping our bodies as close as possible. The invisible boundaries between us are now well and truly lowered, and all thoughts of Dom’s proposition are banished fro
m my mind.

  As we walk, I’m relieved to find it’s fairly easy terrain, with a gentle downward slope. However, not long into our walk, the realisation dawns that what goes down must come up as I spot a less forgiving upward incline emerging ahead of us.

  ‘Do you have family in Glasgow?’ Matt asks me.

  ‘Yes, just my mother and sister. My dad passed away a while back.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘It’s fine.’ I shrug, trying to ignore the fact that we’re now starting to climb. ‘I still really miss him, but I’m used to it now. My parents were divorced and he had moved down south, so I didn’t see him that much any more anyway. It was like I was being prepared for losing him altogether.’

  ‘That’s rough. Your mum and sister must miss you now there’s a similar geographical split between you.’

  I’m ready to gloss over the messed-up relationship I have with them, but there’s something about Matt that makes me want to open up to him. He’s such a good listener.

  ‘I actually haven’t spoken to either of them since I moved away. They didn’t agree with me leaving.’

  ‘Gosh. Sorry to hear that. Why were they so against it?’

  Shit. I haven’t thought this through. As much as I’m happy to open up around most things, I’m most definitely not ready to tell him about my medical situation. My breathing starts to strain and I realise it’s not just because I want to avoid the truth. My body – as if cruelly forcing me to share my deepest, darkest secret – is going into full protest. My muscles burn in response to the invisible force that seems to be pushing against me, and we’re only halfway up the incline at best.

  ‘I, err… they’re both just…’

  ‘You don’t need to tell me if it’s too difficult.’

  ‘No, it’s not… that. They’re…’

  Matt stops and places a gentle hand on my shoulder to halt me. ‘Hey, are you OK? You’re struggling, and you’re sweating.’